Understanding Kanye's genius: A play by play analysis of the 'Best i ever had' video.

I think i'm one of the only people in the world that has a genuine disposition to music film clips. I don't like watching them and i loathe people approaching me and asking if i've seen the latest clip to so and so's latest song because i feel like an absolute asshole. Some of them will even go out of their way to make me feel like an asshole for not being up on the latest hot music videos.

Person: "Hey man have you seen the clip to that new song everyone's talking about and has already seen?"

Me: "Nah, i haven't had a chance to check it out yet. I don't watch t.v. all that much and xbox live doesn't have a music channel yet".

Person: "REALLY!? YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET!? UUHH, YOU JUST GOT A MEMO FROM UNDER THAT ROCK, IT'S TIME TO GO BACK THERE!!

Me: "I don't understand, you got a memo from under a rock?"

Person: "YEAH AND IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO BACK THERE COS THAT'S WHERE YOU LIVE IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE KILLER FILM CLIP YET!! NEVER HANGING OUT WITH YOU AGAIN!!"

I've tried to explain it to people that if i've already heard a song x amount of times, i don't really want to sit through a film clip and be forced to hear the song again because there's some totally high definition poetry never seen before genius imagery playing over the top. I get it, people use film clips to advertise technological advancements, products, failing celebrities and in some cases, the artist.
Question: What if the film clip is a stinker? You think i'm going to want to listen to that song again?
How does no sound? Sounds good right?

So i'm doing my usual internet rounds late last night and i notice that Drake's film clip for that song everyone is talking about/soon will be talking about, 'Best i ever had', has been released. The song has actually been out for over six months, was released on a mixtape by the guy that played Wheelchair Jimmy on the original Degrassi High and is blatantly aimed at girls who consider themselves the best anyone has ever had, even if they might not be.

I've been following Drake's (the name of the artist in question should you reside in rock town) career for around a year now solely because of his feature on an amazing Lil Wayne track called 'Ransom'. Drake's verse outshines Lil Wayne's in terms of actual rhyming, delivery and general coherency by about half a mile and it was from that point on that i started regularly checking for his music. He released three stellar mixtapes showcasing his ability as a rapper and also a formidable singer and quickly became the mainstream rap industry's number one son and the wet dream of every major label in the game (after a bidding war between Warner, Universal and Atlantic, Drake signed to Lil Wayne's Young Money label for a respectable $8 million dollars, despite refusing offers of $10 million plus from the others).

That's not even the point of this post though. As mentioned prior, the film clip for Drake's first official single was made public last night and was directed by the one and only Kanye West, who is famous for being on South Park, releasing a metric tonne of good music and then spoiling it with an auto-tune laden turd-fest and also dating one of the most desirable women in the world. Kanye is also a self-proclaimed genius and has recently been trying his hand at directing directional film clips that highlight afformentioned genius. Due to my unfathomable hatred of watching music videos i haven't seen any of his previous work but i can only sit back and assume that it's the same high budget baloney that everyone else with a 'vision' is putting out.

So here it is anyway, the film clip that sent the internet absolutely bonkers last night:


What'd you think lads? You like Drake now? Did Kanye's direction give you an erection? Of course it did! He's a genius right?

Well, not really.
If this is what genius is then remind me never to become one myself, because i'm almost there already.

Making an overtly sexual, moodily lit screenplay with a terrible plot and a subliminal message that only 2% of the viewing public will understand is not genius. It's the product of a man out to prove the world that he isn't gay with a hint of Drake's career make-or-break thrown in as an after thought.

A genius would have used this opportunity to prove to the world that he is in fact a genius and he would use the most currently popular artist in his field of expertise as a vehicle to do so. We should have seen A-list actors instead of unknown rapper cameos (apart from Fabolous, Loso's Way coming soon!), an engaging and touching plot instead of a d-grade women's college basketball game and we would have seen substance instead of scantily clad video vixens whose collective knockers got more air time than Drake himself and anyone else that featured in the video, including the women to whom the knockers belonged to.

I mean sure, throw some jugs in a new artist's sophomore release to appeal to the male audience, everyone does it and it is a tried and tested formula. You think Nelly would be the star that he is today had ne not done the same? It's common knowledge that sex sells but the main problem here is that Drake's predominantly female fan base won't buy what Drake and Kanye are trying to sell here. Men don't buy cd's, they steal them. It's the women that get all antsy when this song plays and it's the women that will be lining up when Drake's album drops late this year/early next year/whenever the hell it decides to drop. Unfortunately, it's going to take an ignorance epidemic of global proportions for Drake's female fan base to see this clip as a reason to purchase his music.

I could be wrong, but that's never happened before. Here's why:

So here we are at the start of the game. All's well and innocent enough, you've got your banner and your sparkles and your Kanye mood lighting in there. Pretty innocent opening scene right?

Uh-oh. Male interest rises 30000% at this point in time. The women haven't computed what's about to happen yet.

BANG! Instant boners for any men watching the proceedings and a shitload of rolled eyes from any females doing the same. At this point in time it's forgivable though, this is how every rap film clip starts out.

Out rolls Mr. Dreamy McDreamstein r&b rap superstar and his team's mascot. Boners fall like roman empires, female interest rises and things even out for a little while.

In case you weren't aware, there's a guy out there named 'Coach Drake'. He has his name on the door and everything. This is supposedly where Coach Drake masterminds his team plays. The men's interest has been reinstated because sports and coaches are awesome and the women are still all hot and flustered from the Drake snippet earlier on.

This happens. Apparently this happens a-lot in Kanye's vision of a Women's basketball league. The men are going crazy at this point in time, running around in circles not knowing what to do with themselves. The women are ready to boycott any Drake related purchases/downloads in the near future.

The ladies get another precious few seconds with Drake and they fall in love with him again. I'm not sure what he's doing here, possibly going over the cup sizes of his players. The men see a sports reference and praise Kanye West for uniting the only two things they care about.

This girl features heavily throughout the clip. Drake is probably dating her or at least smashed on set. This is the most brief of her appearances and neither the men or women even notice it.

Drake has checked the same play about nine times now. You'd think his team would stand a chance the way he's pouring over that gameplan.

Drake presents the new uniform to his favourite player. She's genuinely stoked on it and doesn't once question the size, shape, colour or whoreishness of the uniform. Drake checks that play again to make sure it hasn't changed since the last time he looked at it.

This is the only scene that displays any form of genius. Animal mascots performing forward somersault dunks is one of the most beautiful things we have on this Earth. I shed a tear at this point in time and thank Kanye for including such a precious occurrence.

Here's two girls in a stairwell. The girl on the left is performing the stations of the cross and the other one is holding one of her breasts. Both the male and female audience can relate to this, it combines religion and contemplation in one of the most important scenes of the video. Powerful stuff.

Behold! The first white girl makes an appearance!

And there she goes again. It was a brief appearance but the male and female audience agree that it's nice Kanye included some white people in the clip as well.

Note: This is what a women's basketball team looks like according to a genius.

Note: This is what they look like in real life. Kanye went all out with the contrasting in this one.

Fabolous makes a cameo and I get extremely excited that his new album is being released soon. He's the only one that looked at the camera throughout the entire video, possibly to promote his new album.

Consequence also makes a cameo. In this scene he's really dissapointed with the way Drake's team is playing and is considering dissing him on a nearby blog.

The 'ugly' team show-up. The men don't have time for this, they know what they came to see and this isn't it. The women like the fact that they included some real girls and forgives Kanye for the last minute and a half of the clip.

One of the hot girls reacts like this to the ugly team. "Oh my god! They're so......real!"

This scene is amazing. The expression on the referee's face is priceless and another brief glimpse into the genius Kanye claims to possess. It almost says "i've had enough of this, who are all these people anyway? I wish i could just ref a good game of women's basketball but while i'm on camera i may as well pull this face to show my casting agent that i'm versatile".

Drake's team is getting absolutely rinsed.

Possibly because they spent too much time doing this. The women viewers are so filled with confused rage at this point in time that their waters break. I know that's not even possible but imagine if that actually happened?

Drake makes another appearance. He's had about 8 seconds of total screen time thus far. Not bad for your first major release directed by Kanye West huh? Nobody is watching the clip at this point in time. The men, having previously made an impromptu trip to the nearest bathroom are nowhere to be seen now and the women are huddled up in a corner somewhere convincing themselves that Drake isn't normally like this and it's all Kanye's fault.

This girl takes a shot. The audience at the game watch in anticipation. This confuses me because unless that shot is worth around seventy points, it's completely pointless.

Lucky this girl is around to lay the Mutombo hand of justice down. Seriously, this was one of the best rejections i have ever seen and another high point for the video.

Drake is piiiiiiissed. No surprises there either. His new outfits didn't work, his team got their asses handed to them and his debut video is receiving harsh reviews from 90% of the people that layed gaze upon it's genius. Kanye West is nowhere to be seen, possibly eating fishsticks at a nearby corner store.

And there you have it people. You won't hear another word from me about Drake and his career from this point onwards. I will continue to support him because aside from this straight-to-radio pop single, Drake has a-lot of potential as a rapper and he's made some damn good music in the last year or so.

I'm just going to the ladies room for a photoshoot.

We're all guilty of a little location advertisement for the betterment of our internet profiles, i'll be the first to admit that. Taking photos of you and your friends to post on the internet is certainly not a crime and a nice way of showing your friends and family what you've been up to, who you associate yourself with and the location at which you were associating with them at.

Having lost a slight interest the two only social networking sites in the whole universe (Facebook and Myspace, there aren't any others) my interest in location updating and friend management followed to the point where i only use either sites to inform people of blog updates as opposed to what i did every single day of this year and who i did it with and who was checking my page and who wasn't commenting me back and who was on the friend request pending list and how my top 8 friend ladder reflected my relationships with those people in real life and who had the hottest profile pics and layout and who was quitting and who was coming back and who could we diss for saying they were going to delete their account and then totally fold and start a new one and then it would confuse everyone and you'd have to spend like, a whole hour sending out all the friend requests when in the back of your mind you knew you shouldn't have deleted your account in the first place. It was only inevitable that i got bored of it all and the trend of not giving a shit about your online life slowly spread to all corners of the internet.

Sleep easy though, for as of last night i witnessed first hand that cam-whoring is still alive and kicking and is even facing a possible resurgence thanks to dedicated groups of girls and their cheap digital/phone cameras. I'm talking about girls whose sole purpose of a night out is not to drink, dance or mate but instead to come home with a full wallet, an empty memory card and a fucking brand spanking new album to slap up on facebook the next day in complete chronological order with dates and everything. You'd seriously think they were receiving some form of facebook income the way their shit is organized.

And it's not even the albums that upset me. If you want to archive your photo albums in alphabetical order with all the correct tags and dates then so be it, there's only so many empty comments from lurkers and potential rapists that you'll receive before you realise there's more to life and you decide to move on to bigger and better things. What does upset me is when i'm walking through the club contracting epilepsy from your little couch photoshoots when all i want to do is stumble around and talk shit to people that i only see whenever i go out. Who buys a row of $20 cocktails only to take twenty thousand photos with them and then leave them at the bar?

Then there's the frustration i get from the witnessing the whole "that one was no good, let's try again" scenario. Fair enough, if someone fucks up a photo by looking uncomfortable when the flash goes off by all means take another one. I swear last night I saw two girls sitting in the same spot for half an hour taking photos of themselves, pouring over them, deleting them, adjusting their hair and pouts, re-taking the photos and repeating the process at least eight times over, all whilst about twenty dudes and no chicks rubbed up against eachother on the dancefloor. And for what? Your facebook update the next day? You know, if you spent less time taking photos of yourself at the bar and more time interacting with people of the opposite sex you could possibly end up with a boyfriend? Heck! You might even one day be able to tick the fabled 'in a relationship' box on your facebook status and be the envy of all your girlfriends! Then you wouldn't have to worry about taking photos at the bar anymore because the guys you were trying to impress on your facebook account suddenly don't matter so much because you met a guy at the bar through not taking photos at the bar for your facebook account! I'm a motherfucking genius!

You gals are really hurting the small bar industry as well as many others as well. You see, bars thrive on drink sales. If you don't drink and spend your evening in the bathrooms taking photos of yourselves pretending to shit (which isn't a good look by the way), the bar doesn't make any money. If you don't get drunk and drift around the venue tripping over your heels and yawning, guys won't think they can get with you and they'll stop going to that venue because they think it's the venue's fault that they can't score. If you don't drink, you're putting the entire birth control industry on hold as well as human evolution as a whole. Why are you doing that? Stop it.

So ladies, put the cameras away, have a drink, unwind, socialise with males and quit living your saturday night through a viewfinder. After all, you don't want to roll up to your school reunions in five years time surrounded by hot and successful pregnant women with nothing to show but a weathered Sony Cybershot and a Photobucket address.

Like the deserts miss the rain.

Things i've done without my xbox since it broke.

• Turned it on and prayed that it will magically work again about 8000 times.
• Sat there and given it 'the eye'.
• Shaken it like a disgruntled boyfriend does his incompetent girlfriend.
• Slapped it around like a suspicious girlfriend does her slimy boyfriend.
• Accidentally judo chopped my front door open while the neighbours were watching. They already hate me so it doesn't matter. I don't know why they hate me either, if they can't say good morning loud enough for me not to ignore them that's their fault.
• Almost called Microsoft about having it repaired.
• Sparked numerous conversations with complete strangers about their core hardware failures and how they dealt with it.
• Attempted to watch commercial television. It isn't that bad once you switch the television off.
• Attempted to build a new xbox out of an empty drawer and the insides of an old mobile phone.
• Attacked people in the street for no reason, always ending the attack with "Ooohhh, sorry i don't have a working xbox 360 you fucking show off!"
• Held minute long conversations with friends and family without resorting to leaving halfway through and playing xbox.
• Borrowed a ps3. I refuse to play it until the xbox is out of the house through fear of electrical storms and domestic violence.
• Sat in my room and written completely pointless blog posts about what i've done since my xbox broke, secretly wishing that when i post it my xbox will realize how unfair it's being and start working again.

I'm going to go make myself a dang quasadilla.

Embarassed.

I'm not the most patriotic of souls i'll admit. That's not because i live in Australia though, if i lived anywhere on this Earth i still wouldn't be waving flags around on particular dates of painting or my face like an asshole. The only way you'd find me pumping national anthems out of my car and drinking copious amounts of alcohol to celebrate my country is if i lived in Antarctica because Antarctica is awesome. There's ice everywhere. There's no traffic. You get to go ice skating with polar bears and other mythical creatures and you get to wear Winter fashion all year round. It's just the best place in the world and the only continent worthy of ever having a documentary made in it's honour, unlike everywhere else.

Currently though, i live in Australia. Our national anthem is about droughts and the sun and working hard but it might as well be the Qantas theme song. We are known for being able to drink shitloads of alcohol, ride kangaroos, bash other countries and religiously watch a sport that requires it's participants to pick up balls, kick them and then do the same thing to the respective faces of the opposing team members. Complimentary crystal meth is supplied at the end of each game followed by parents pushing their kids to chase their own lost fantasies.
I'm sorry, no more football bashing. I actually watched a game the other day and it was very entertaining up until the point i realised that there were no hot cheerleaders or nurses and the halftime show involved an old man talking about war and saying sorry to aboriginals.

As of yesterday the inundation of absolutely ridiculous news articles concerning our country hit the point where i felt the need to complain about it on my blog. It seems as though Australia is going through some tough times at the moment and i'm not talking about the recession either. Actually, i am talking about a recession, but it's more of a mental recession where brain power is scarce and no one can find jobs because they're stupid.

Here's what's been going on in Australia lately.

- Google NRL, get group sex.
Another of our national sports that hardly anyone pays any attention to has found fame out of it's most recent controversy, group sex for team motivation. I actually don't have a problem with this. If a bunch of guys want to stand around waiting to smash some bimbo who was obviously after some local celebrity dick to motivate themselves then go for it. I do have a problem with the entire country condemning any form of sex-related team seminars out of one side of it's mouth and then promoting the crushing of skulls, the drinking of locally produced rum and prophylactics out of the other side.

- King's cross attention seeker makes up a recollection, says 'wog' about a thousand times and becomes a national hero.

Click the header if you haven't witnessed the shitness yet. It doesn't matter how she tries to twist it now. This girl is the product of one and a half pingers, an industrial sized can of spray tan and some good old A-grade Australian ignorance to racism. She's now arguing that 'wog' isn't as racist as it is affectionate. Bitch, there is no way that the word 'wog' has officially become a safe alternative to 'italian' or even 'guy'. It's pretty simple what happened. She saw the camera, realized that it was her least favorite nationality involved in the dispute and used it as a chance to generalize their entire race in a spout of lies and extremely poor gun impersonations. I can see the slogan t-shirts rolling out of the factory already, "we promote multiculturalism here in Australia, come over and see our wogz!"

On a side note, something good did come out of this bitch's fifteen seconds of anti-fame and that is more motivational posters. To me, motivational posters are the epitome of the perfect joke.





- Kyle Sandilands and Dave Hughes battle it out via Twitter.
Seriously. I read this morning that the radio shock-jock Kyle Sandilands and actual comedian Dave Hughes are beefing over the latest craze in social networking, Twitter.
How do these two even have a Twitter account? Firstly, Kyle Sandilands is the WORST. The guy just flops around the place saying shit that he thinks is going to be controversial and gain him some respect for having a left-of-field opinion when all he does is come off as a talentless portion of excrement. What's that Kyle? You say what everyone is thinking? No you don't. If you said what everyone was thinking then you would be dead because you would have killed yourself because everyone wishes you were dead and that's why you have to hire 24 hour security to protect your sweaty self.
Dave Hughes on the other hand thinks that his buddy Rove's show is better than Kyle's! Oh no! Who gives a flying fuck! Both radio shows are completely lame in their own respect with the same G-rated pokes at modern society followed by music that makes me want to harm myself. Both of these guys need to address their deep seeded inferiority issues and cease using twitter to hide the fact that they're too pussy to fight in real life or find another way to promote their stale humor.

Here is a picture of Kyle Sandilands twitter account with some commentary. Click for instant enlargement.


- W.A finally gets the swine flu, abolishes daylight savings.
Once again Western Australia is showing it's square side by receiving the swine flu a good month after everyone else. I'm quite sure that had it not been the Fremantle Dockers that were potentially infected, it would have been another couple of months before everyone gave a shit about it.
As for the whole daylight savings thing, i consider us lucky for even having it as long as we did. Look at it this way: W.A complaining about daylight savings is like the freak inbred kid that lives in a cage under the staircase complaining about the abundance of fish heads in his dinner, when in reality, he's lucky to be getting dinner at all.

Interview with a vagina.

I like to keep it pretty family oriented here at TrulyHeinous but unfortunately it would be ignorant to think that there isn't a 7-15 year old that hasn't seen the above picture (minus the super witty Agro censor badge).
Yes, i'm talking about the whole 'Cassie shows where she multiplies to get publicised' scenario and if you weren't aware of it, be sure to say hello to everyone in your retirement village for me because you're clearly old or ignorant. Here's the 411 for the underground heads.

A few days ago some naughty photos of the ever-aspiring r&b songstress, Cassie Ventura, were 'leaked' on the internet as a form of revenge (publicity) from a yet to be named ex-boyfriend (publicist). The photos spread like any other photo of a naked celebrity in career-compromising positions and now everyone in the world can claim that they've been to third base with a semi-famous r&b diva. They can also claim that they've had P-Diddy's seconds, which is a feat that every male will aspire to at one or more stages of his life.
Not only is Cassie aware of the humiliation, but she responded to it via her twitter page saying "someone has hacked my computer blah blah blah foul and indecent blah blah blah don't act like you ain't seen a titty before". This was possibly before she realized the above photo was also being circulated, minus the witty Agro censor badge.

Amongst all the madness TrulyHeinous wasn't able to catch Cassie for an interview but instead, i was able to correspond via email with the star of the show, her vagina. For protection, the vagina can't be named and will therefore be referred to under the alias 'Delilah'.

First of all Delilah, i can't say that i'm a huge fan due to being unaware of any previous work of yours, but i can definitely say that you have an ever-growing male fan base where i live and probably everywhere else by this stage.
Thanks! I've never been down under before, i've met a few people from Australia and they were awesome!

Indeed. So let's run through the past week. How does it feel to go from local notoriety to superstardom in a matter of hours?
Well, it's a little crazy to be honest. Cassie and I have always been on the cusp of that particular level of fame, but we've only just recently sat back and thought "wow, we're actually here!". Obviously the circumstances weren't ideal but now that i'm out there, i'm loving every minute of it.

So it wasn't a publicity stunt by Cassie? Everyone knows Cassie's album is coming out soon. You don't feel like you're being used at all?
How am i being used if i'm enjoying the fame as much as she is?

So it was leaked in pursuit of publicity?
Look, let's keep it real here. If you'd been a work in progress for the last five years and were slowly becoming more known for the celebrities you'd slept with than the music you'd made, what would you do?

Good question. I'd probably do some vocal training and not sleep with celebrities.
Yeah, well, we don't have time for that. My time to shine is now.

What about Rhianna's delilah? Do you feel that she's riding your coat tails, or was it out of pure coincidence that you both popped up at the same time.
Coincidence? I love Rhianna's work, i really do. But if she's thinking of comparing herself to me and Cassie. Well, let's just say that i have a beatdown sandwich on the kitchen table just waiting to be served.

You're obviously very passionate about what you do. What exactly is it that you do?
Well, a normal day entails just sitting around being hidden away by Cassie. Occasionally i'll interview prospective managers and other staff and pose for some photos, but aside from that i'm very behind the scenes.

Not so much now though.
That's right. We're in talks about me doing an album cover.

Wow.
I mean, why not right?

Yeah, why not put a vagina on the cover of a debut album? Everyone's seen it already, right?
Exactly. The way i see it. Cassie needs to capitalize on this situation. I'm out there right now, doing the rounds on an international mainframe. I'm the most recognizable reproductive organ in the game at the moment. I'm craving some utilization.

And have you met any other celebrity organs as a result?
I don't kiss and tell. Me and Sean's diddy have been hanging out a bit.

Alright, we should probably rap it up about now, my girlfriend doesn't really like the idea of me interviewing a vagina.
Any last words? Can you sum the situation up for us?
Gladly. People have to understand that after all the publicity and ex-boyfriend rumours and whatnot, it's all pretty innocent. I mean, it's all been done before. Salma Hayek, Angelina Jolie, Mark Wahlberg, Janet Jackson. Where would these names be without getting their Delilah's out? At the end of the day, i'm the most wonderful thing on God's green earth. I'm the reason men go out and get jobs, buy nice clothes, cars, dinner, houses, toothbrushes and furniture. I'm the reason women expect men to do all these things. In fact, you could safely say that i'm the centre of the universe right now, but i'm never going to let the fame get to my head (?), you have to stay humble in this business.

Wise words.

COUGH: A mini series proposal featuring subject matter based on the title.

Episode 1.

It's a Thursday night and i'm fulfilling my contractual obligations by being at work. I've been drinking water all day to try and build up my immune system for the next onslaught of government produced super-viruses and i'm craving something that isn't water. My local newsagency has closed it's doors and the only alternative is Gelare across the road. I never go to Gelare, there's always this middle-aged italian guy perched out the front between 3-5pm on weekdays wearing shades and little else. Then, when the schoolgirls start piling out, he changes his seating position to a semi-relaxed slouch with his legs more open than what is considered socially acceptable. I call it the "how bout it?" slouch. It's obscene and the schoolgirls know better than to approach Gelare between 3-5pm on weekdays.

Anyway, he's not there after 7pm so it was moderately safe, or so i thought. I walk in there and some old lady is standing behind the counter not contributing to the workplace. I lean over the register to get her attention and she reluctantly asks what i want. I ask for a can of lemonade and clearly point it out in the fridge, just in case she thinks lemonade is some kind of charity concert for less fortunate lemons. She surprisingly acknowledges my request and heads towards the fridge.

Cue cough number one.

It wasn't anything life-threatening, but it let me know that her personal hygiene is the last on her list of things to take care of. It wasn't even the first cough that caught my attention. It was the lack of courtesy wipe afterward. No wipe, not even a pretend one.
This woman showed no remorse for my health or at least the protocol of the World Health Organization and I was so offended that i almost didn't notice her removing the bottle from the fridge with the same hand.
I was a little more alert now, keeping in mind that i'd have to wash the lid, my hands and my entire workspace when i got back to the shop. I watched her like a hawk as she fumbled around with the till and i began to wonder if incompetence is a mandatory trait required for employment in the half price waffle business.

Then, the second cough.

This made the first cough seem like normal human breathing. The sheer force of the second cough shook the entire building, several nearby establishments lost power and it became clear to me that this time she wasn't fucking around. It was a triple shot with hints of mucous, traces of after-steam and a total of zero apologies.
She offended senses that i didn't even know i had. She set our entire health care system back 100 years. She didn't want me alive anymore.

I thought back to my hazardous materials training in high school and realized that i didn't actually have any, so the panic really started to set in when she combined the second cough, with a lack of courtesy wipe and the exchange of moneys between her polluted hands and my virgin digits.
It was the most despicable act of ignorance i had witnessed in a few weeks and it hit really close to home. I'm normally able to watch this type of horror from the comfort of my own home via television set but the truth is, it could happen to anyone. Ignorance is everywhere and unfortunately, there are still some people out there who were taking a day off when the human decency manuscripts were being distributed.
All i can say is, be careful. I took the bottle and my change and carried it out like it was a sample of pure herpes, with the very tips of my least important fingers. I washed the lid of the bottle until it's ribbed surface area resembled that of an 8 ball, but i couldn't bring myself to drink from it. It may be $3 and my evening cigarrette down the drain, but at least i lived to bring this to your attention.

As for the change? I can only hope my $7 tip doesn't fall into the wrong hands.

Episode 2: Sporotrichosis at Subway.
Coming soon.

What happened?

After i cleaned the vomit from in between the keys on my laptop, i forced myself to come to terms with skateboarding's exciting new direction. Because this is actually a pro model shoe from a well-known skateboarder.

I'm sorry. I normally have a really open mind when it comes to trends or changes in climate. But this. This is flaming.

Here's why:


That's not even all the highlights. Microsoft Paint closed itself halfway through my research. I tried to open it again and a blue screen alert came up saying:

"A fatal error occurred when when this shoe was released to the public. Please delete browsing history and any indication or trace of this shoe's existence on this particular server. Windows is currently calculating whether or not you'll ever have sex again, it may take a moment".

I checked a couple of magazines and message boards to see if this was a joke or clever marketing ploy by Gravis (if you aren't familiar with Gravis, they used to make hiking boots, reef shoes and stylish alternatives to those duck-billed jock pumps) but i couldn't find any humour or underlying sarcasm.

I can't accept this. I was ok when skateboarding traded hip-hop, baggy jeans and shoes with laces for folk music, american apparel and shoes without laces. I didn't even mind that much when 40% of the tricks that used to feature in everyone's favourite videos became unacceptable to perform because Jake Phelps or -insert over-opinionated washed up skateboarder who now critics for a living- said so. Change is inevitable, life would be stale witout it, but this isn't change.
This is a leather dildo with a hole in it.



Please skateboarding, take a deep breath, remember where you came from and stop letting impressionable teenagers design your footwear.

If you can skate and then go straight to ballet lessons whilst wearing the same shoe, you need to go back to the drawing board, the drawing board of life.

Fuck Lobbers!

Yeah. You think you're the life of the party don't you bitch? Everything is great, even everything that sucks. It's a pity that you are what is sucking right now. Those lights you're flipping out on right now, they're actually just normal strobe lights. No-one else thinks they are as good as you do, but you don't care do you? As far as you're concerned, everyone loves you and you aren't chewing the inside of your mouth and eating your own teeth. You love everyone and the feeling is not mutual. All the guys think you're really cute as well. All unaware of your surroundings with your top undone and your skirt with a mind of it's own. Rape is cute, right?
You're having a great time and it doesn't even matter that by tomorrow morning, you'll have forgotten how to walk and will probably want to harm yourself.
Back to work on Monday then?



Meanwhile, i've eaten a bag of these fuckers and i'm ruling so hard, i can only see in centimetres.

Ever raced a Kenyan?

Ever given them advice on how to shake the really-good-at-running-and-not-much-else stereotype as you lap them? Me neither, but that's how i'm feeling right now.

ApRiL FoOLz!!11 Luv FroM Perf!!

I hate when people make frivolous situations up just to accommodate a totally weak joke. Perthnow.com.au pooped out an entire article about an 'urban beautification group' that managed to climb onto the top of the unnecessarily controversial convention shed and apply a popular Australian stereotype to it in an act of pure anti-establishment and rage against the machine-alism.

This article confused me so much that i had to lie down briefly after reading it. I get that it's a joke, but the grounds that the joke were made on are a joke itself. Namely, the convention centre.
Why would you draw attention to something the general population is so passionate about, get them all excited and then tell them it's an April Fool's joke? It's like kicking a disabled person in the nuts. They can't help being disabled and you're only provoking a completely predictable response. So when everyone comes to the realisation that it never actually happened, what do we get?

"Oh man, i totally fort someone had dun it! That thingz a peice of shit aneways! They shud do it now that every1 likes it!!
-Terry, noneofyafuckenbusiness!

"Well done perthnow, you have once again sold yourselves out for some attention. Keep up the sub-par journalism, maybe we'll be as good as Melbourne one day because that's what you want."
- Janine, concerned Perthian.

"I agree Terry you delighful bastard! We need little battlers like you on the frontlines to fight the war against boredom! And Janine, shut the fuck up! IF you don't like Perth, fuck off to Melbourne town where they all love the smell of their own asses!! BITCH!!
- IagreewithTerry, Armadale

"yeah! Shit fuck swearing asshole bitches with dicks fucking other bitches without consent horsefucking!! Swear on the internet you lackeys!! its only perthnow! i practice all my insults here coz ur all fucked!!
- Fuck, fuckland doin fuck all!

etc. etc.

Congratulations Perthnow, you've just taken your opinionated, argumentative readership back to the stone age and like always, you know nothing is going to be done to resolve the issue. Make a subliminal crack at the Bell Tower while you're at it and let everyone know how much you really hate this city!

Earth Hour 2009: Who Passed?

For the record, i didn't even know earth hour existed until it was well and truly over. It's quite safe to say that while everyone was 'saving the planet' i was playing x-box with all the lights on in the house, four lamps, an oven, two televisions, my laptop, an i-pod charger, a stereo and an electronic water purifying device. Plus, i'm house sitting for a couple of friends at the moment and was doing all of that at their houses as well.
There's always next year right?

Where i failed though, millions succeeded. Earth hour 2009 was a raging success and an A+ on the report card of a currently failing planet.
Not everybody passed though. Having seen photographic evidence of the attempts, i've gone through and highlighted everyone's mistakes for more awareness next year.











To the eighty cities that competed, good try and better luck next year!

The week that was...

Chris Brown goes to put his hands in his pocket, but accidentally beats the shit out of his girlfriend.

So unless you've been living under a rock surrounded by soundproof foam, underwater in the bermuda triangle wearing nothing but a blindfold, you probably heard about this. My stance on the matter is irrelevant and unless you were in the car with them at the point of impact, yours is as well. With that said, my stance on the matter is completely relevant because A). I met them and B). I took photos of them and wrote a now famous piece of literature on the experience. Was it their chance encounter with me that started a series of events that lead to Chris' unusual massage techniques on that fateful evening? Am i responsible?

No i'm not you morons! Regardless though, i've gone to the trouble of building a timeline that could help the case along so we can put this whole situation behind us.

November 11 2008. 2.30pm
I meet Rihanna and Chris Brown at my workplace because the place i work is cooler than everywhere else according to people that are considered cool by the majority of the world's population. Me and Chris discuss the pros and cons of being amazing people, Rihanna browses the store.

November 11 2008. 2.35pm
Having thrown down mighty with Chris five minutes prior, i approach him for a photo while he is buying lots of sunglasses. He declines with "not right now". All previous throwdowns are forgotten and i go back to being bitter about celebrities.

November 11 2008. 2.45pm
Having bought everything in the store (or thereabouts) Rihanna approaches the till and i request that i take photos of her holding the bags that display the name of our shop on either side for promotional and personal use only. She becomes overwhelmed with excitement at my invitation and i tell her to calm down because she's scaring the customers. Did happen.

November 11 2008. 2.50pm
Chris gets in on the photo because Rihanna looked like she really enjoyed having her picture taken by me, which she was. I post it on the internet and write a short story about it and every Chris Brown and Rihanna fansite forum member gets on my nuts for around 30 hours. My web traffic goes through the roof and i realise why it was all meant to happen.

February 8 2009.
Chris Brown offers Rihanna the hand of god. Possibly due to an argument over who looked better in the photo that i took. Chris claims the steroids made him do it and now they're getting married/are already married. The world actually stops for a solid minute and for the three weeks following the incident, news reporters, gossip columnists, fail bloggers and a bunch of other shit-kickers are all made to sign contracts. These contracts state that no news article shall be given airtime unless they include the words Chris Brown, Rihanna and 'Beat'. Michael Jackson announces a comeback tour, a 5000 year old iceman is uncovered (not related to Michael Jackson's comeback tour) and a man murders his girlfriend because he became embarassed after she rejected his proposal for marriage on live television.
None of that matters though, Chris Brown beat Rihanna in a car, so that is what we will talk about and that is what is important.

And i STILL haven't heard any of their music.

How to be awkward like a champion.

We encounter awkward situations every day. Whether it be at home, in the workplace, at school or in a public toilet, awkwardness is something that cannot be avoided. Personally, i enjoy it and will sometimes travel long distances just to see an unfortunate silence or somebody tripping over.

Here are some tips on how to be awkward.

- Own people at handshakes.

The first handshake can make or break a relationship. It is the first form of contact you will make with someone you haven't met and pretty much sets the standard for all future encounters. So, instead of going in for the open palm, grasp and single shake method you should definately break into a crazy routine incorporating snaps, clicks, elbow taps and the Macarena and/or Riverdance. If you really want to make an impression, drop a quote from 'How She Move' or 'Bring it On' and tell them how much you 'brought it' and how much they didn't. Make sure it's a special handshake that you do only with your friends to add to the embarassment of the other person. Once you've lost them in your deadly array of handshake trickery, ask them if they know what's up, knowing well and clear that they don't.
Congratulations, this person will never invite you to anything.

- Be a door to door salesperson.

Walk up to a complete strangers house, knock on their door and ask them if they want to buy mobile phones or make donations to the RSPCA/WWF. Have the stranger slam the door in your face or tell you to get a real job for maximum awkwardness.

-Be a loudmouthed faggot on the train.

Make sure the train is packed. Receive a mobile phone call from your mother or ex-boyfriend (i say ex-boyfriend because it is only girls that will openly talk on the train about their relationships or failures thereof) and proceed to argue with them at maximum volume, make sure that you are being so loud and obnoxious that not only everyone on the train can hear you, but also nearby cars speeding past on the freeway. If someone looks at you cockeyed, orally blast them for not understanding your problems or apologise to them for not having a perfect life like theirs.
Pass gas whilst on the phone for a higher percentage of red faces per carriage.

- Be old or lame whilst waiting in line.

When it comes to your turn at the counter (cafe, japanese food, subway), openly complain about the last purchase you made there. Complaints such as having to wait too long in the line, your last coffee being too hot or cold or your last japanese dish being too japanese will suffice. When offered a refund or some form of reimbursement, refuse it and tell them that you only wanted to let them know. Make sure the staff member you are talking too is a junior employee that has no idea what you are talking about and is literally shitting his pants because he was never taught to cope with anally retentive shitcocks like yourself, especially at peak hour lunchtime.
Make sure you don't get tripped up or spat on by the other people in the line who have been rolling their eyes for the last fifteen minutes.

For more tips on how to be awkward, or to feel awkward yourself, visit your local centrelink. Their staff are basically proffesionals in creating or inciting awkwardness.

Back on my grizzly like a bear skin rug.

I saw a link to my blog from another blog yesterday so i clicked on it and realised that i haven't added jack shit to it since my very first post about infinity years ago. My only excuse is that i quarter forgot that I had started it, I quarter didn't have a camera and I half have the ability to fail at keeping any form of routine/consistency with even the most basic of tasks. Any other spare time I have is spent laughing at the token midget from Big Brother who not only broke her stupid little leg the other day but also has some very provocative photos circulating the internet. Then I laugh even more imagining her using a general public issue set of crutches and dangling from them like a gymnast would on some parallel bars.

Either way, I have a couple of updates and there will be a more constant flow of material on this page from now on, that's a promise/complete lie.

For the time being, here is a picture of a real midget or 'legitimidget' as i like to call them.
Damn, shawty.