Music reviews with chocolate comparisons.

DJ Green Lantern presents: Lights Out.

Following on from my Wu-Tang rant a couple of weeks back, i recently acquired Method and Red's prelude to the Blackout 2, titled 'Lights Out'. I'll be honest, i still haven't gone back through their catalogue so i can recite lyrics in peoples faces or whatever, but this new shit only adds to the inspiration for me to do so.
UGK make an appearance on 'city lights' and Meth and Red act accordingly on some southern swang music all about, well, city lights. 'A yo' is my other favorite track on this tape and reminds me of the Ghostface/Nate Dogg assisted 'ooh wee' from a while back. Play it at a party and watch everyone start subconsciously pouring moet everywhere and dancing like they know how to.

Chocalate Bar rating: Snickers snack size. Grimey, short and sweet.


Eminem: Relapse.
Ahh, yes, the great white hope. Having listened to this album a couple of times through, it's become evident that Eminem could actually rap someone to death. Sure his subject matter might be questionable at times and his prolonged hiatus had everyone doubting his ability and dedication to the game but this album is complete and utter genius from beginning to end. Dr. Dre supplies a-lot of the beats and Em sounds just as comfortable rapping about incest, molestation and Mariah Carey as he did back in the early 2000's. On a side note, he disses Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey in the same verse and now Nick Cannon is getting all hot-headed and acting like Mariah isn't the hallway that Em claims her to be.

Chocolate Bar rating: Full size Boost Bar. Complete, a little hard to swallow sometimes and guaranteed to leave you feeling shaky yet satisfied.


Cam'ron: Crime Pays.


Some girls say i'm the cutest,
i'ma say that i'm the rudest,
meditate, like a buddhist,
expose em' like a nudist,
i'm jesus, they judas,
my diamonds, the bluest,
got the answers, they clueless,
Ashanti, foolish,
i'm with a stewardess, mommy say a flight attendant,
called her a stupid bitch, sorry, nah i might of meant it,
see i'm type to mention, phone bill i might of spent it,
but i got it back right back, yeah yeah my life is splendid.

This is the most entertaining album to ever grace my itunes library, aside from any other Cam'ron album. The only reason i am constantly in awe of Cam's lyrics is because he follows the exact same rhyme pattern on every song and then throws in a completely unassociated actor or celebrity to add clout to his claims. Sometimes he even makes up words in the middle of his verses just so he can string another twenty lines together! It's hilarious, especially when coupled with the obnoxious beats he raps over that normally contain trace elements of Opera and playschool theme songs.

Chocolate Bar rating: Butterfinger. A largely obnoxious, over-produced, guilty pleasure.

Fuck Lobbers!

Yeah. You think you're the life of the party don't you bitch? Everything is great, even everything that sucks. It's a pity that you are what is sucking right now. Those lights you're flipping out on right now, they're actually just normal strobe lights. No-one else thinks they are as good as you do, but you don't care do you? As far as you're concerned, everyone loves you and you aren't chewing the inside of your mouth and eating your own teeth. You love everyone and the feeling is not mutual. All the guys think you're really cute as well. All unaware of your surroundings with your top undone and your skirt with a mind of it's own. Rape is cute, right?
You're having a great time and it doesn't even matter that by tomorrow morning, you'll have forgotten how to walk and will probably want to harm yourself.
Back to work on Monday then?



Meanwhile, i've eaten a bag of these fuckers and i'm ruling so hard, i can only see in centimetres.

Ever raced a Kenyan?

Ever given them advice on how to shake the really-good-at-running-and-not-much-else stereotype as you lap them? Me neither, but that's how i'm feeling right now.

Sucking the glass willy isn't cool anymore.

Didn't you get the memo?
I have a high that is much more attractive to indulge in and won't make you look silly. It will take you to 'the place', but instead of leaving you high and dry in an alleway eating your own puke and begging for money, it will instead give you a lift home to your warm bed and kindly refuse any money that you offer it.

It's called 'Fily Folly' and it is better than ice and subsequently, a-lot harder to find.

That's right, fairy floss and bubblegum, together at last. The fairy floss character on the packaging is buzzing so hard that he's actually eating himself.

The blanket shape symbolises how warm and fuzzy you will feel after 'getting on'. No pipes, no light globes, no fucking around basically.

The transition from fairy floss to gum is unlike anything you will ever experience. Discard your cherished childhood memories of fairy floss melting in your mouth and enjoy as fily folly performs a metamorphosis that can't even be explained and probably never will be.

Follow it up with a pack of these and in no time you'll be running around getting in everyone's face and telling them how much you love them and that it's a real shame that you don't hang out anymore.

Side effects include increased blood sugar levels and a rapid heartbeat but at least you weren't hanging out on the corner of William and Wellington offering rim-jobs for your next score.