Music reviews with chocolate comparisons.

DJ Green Lantern presents: Lights Out.

Following on from my Wu-Tang rant a couple of weeks back, i recently acquired Method and Red's prelude to the Blackout 2, titled 'Lights Out'. I'll be honest, i still haven't gone back through their catalogue so i can recite lyrics in peoples faces or whatever, but this new shit only adds to the inspiration for me to do so.
UGK make an appearance on 'city lights' and Meth and Red act accordingly on some southern swang music all about, well, city lights. 'A yo' is my other favorite track on this tape and reminds me of the Ghostface/Nate Dogg assisted 'ooh wee' from a while back. Play it at a party and watch everyone start subconsciously pouring moet everywhere and dancing like they know how to.

Chocalate Bar rating: Snickers snack size. Grimey, short and sweet.


Eminem: Relapse.
Ahh, yes, the great white hope. Having listened to this album a couple of times through, it's become evident that Eminem could actually rap someone to death. Sure his subject matter might be questionable at times and his prolonged hiatus had everyone doubting his ability and dedication to the game but this album is complete and utter genius from beginning to end. Dr. Dre supplies a-lot of the beats and Em sounds just as comfortable rapping about incest, molestation and Mariah Carey as he did back in the early 2000's. On a side note, he disses Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey in the same verse and now Nick Cannon is getting all hot-headed and acting like Mariah isn't the hallway that Em claims her to be.

Chocolate Bar rating: Full size Boost Bar. Complete, a little hard to swallow sometimes and guaranteed to leave you feeling shaky yet satisfied.


Cam'ron: Crime Pays.


Some girls say i'm the cutest,
i'ma say that i'm the rudest,
meditate, like a buddhist,
expose em' like a nudist,
i'm jesus, they judas,
my diamonds, the bluest,
got the answers, they clueless,
Ashanti, foolish,
i'm with a stewardess, mommy say a flight attendant,
called her a stupid bitch, sorry, nah i might of meant it,
see i'm type to mention, phone bill i might of spent it,
but i got it back right back, yeah yeah my life is splendid.

This is the most entertaining album to ever grace my itunes library, aside from any other Cam'ron album. The only reason i am constantly in awe of Cam's lyrics is because he follows the exact same rhyme pattern on every song and then throws in a completely unassociated actor or celebrity to add clout to his claims. Sometimes he even makes up words in the middle of his verses just so he can string another twenty lines together! It's hilarious, especially when coupled with the obnoxious beats he raps over that normally contain trace elements of Opera and playschool theme songs.

Chocolate Bar rating: Butterfinger. A largely obnoxious, over-produced, guilty pleasure.

Game Review: Street Fighter IV

Graphics: Err, look at that picture. 10/10 demolished eyeballs.

Sound: Again, look at the picture and imagine the sound this situation would produce. It's similar to a jet engine having sex with a martial arts grandmaster. 9/10 bleeding earlobes

Gameplay: I move joystick, character does superhuman feats and damages opponent, i just sit there. 10/10 chiropractic liasons.

Skill of opponents challenging me online every time i try and complete single player mode: Miniscule. So pathetic and puny that i can crush them every time with the tip of my pinky finger. 3/10 crying children from America, Japan, Sweden and Australia.

Overall: Somehow 10/10. This game is so hardcore amazing that it takes your washing out for you but refuses to use fabric softener on your favourite items.

"Before we change the world, we gotta change ourselves".....pffft.

For those that don't know, "for those that don't know" is by far the most pretentious and amateur way to start a review or article on anything. I see it everywhere. Cookbooks, blurbs on the back of cookbooks, music reviews and shitty editorials to name a few, because naming them all would take longer than desired.
It's like opening a paragraph with "I know this stuff, and you don't, that's why you're reading what i've written".

Really?

People are reading what you know because you know more than the people that are reading it?

Thanks for summarizing the basic concept of journalism and insulting my intelligence in the same opening sentence, now the only way i want your review to end is your death via the old pen-through-the-nosebone-puncture-the-old-brain method. Fucking douchebag incompetent writing fuck.

And what's with me starting blogs with "so, i was doing this the other day"? What the fuck? That's how a parent approaches their child about finding pornography under their bed, dancing around the truth with pleasantries like "well, well, well" and "so, i was cleaning your room the other day" until the child gets so anxious and freaked out that he/she admits to it out of fear and cowardice. It's wack, i'm not going to do it anymore, but at least i'm not getting paid by a company that distributes to the mass populous and starting my pieces with "for those that don't already know".

Let's get back to business though. The Notorious film was unbelievable. I'll admit that I went in there with a cup full of haterade and a box of salty preconceptions due to previous rapper-cum-moviestar disappointments '8 Mile' and that movie with 50 Cent in it, but to compare 'Notorious' to those two is like comparing every other review of this movie to my review; there's no competition.

The cast was extremely well chosen, although Tupac could have looked a little more psychotic. Like, the guy who played him did a pretty good job and you'd be hard pushed to find someone that could play that role to a tee, i just personally think that his role could have been much more effective played by presence and the word-of-mouth of the characters to avoid any missteps in capturing the essence of the most hard out rapper ever. Still, kudos to the guy that played him anyway. Gold stars and all that.

The primary concern for this film's success was how well Gravy would be able to play the big guy. Having gained notoriety for looking and sounding like a man that called himself 'Notorious', Gravy's aspirations of becoming an actual rapper never left the ground. Funnily enough, i think Gravy played Biggie better than Biggie could have played Biggie. Everything from his hobbled walk, his grunt-heavy breathing, voice and general laid back demeanor was so fine tuned that it not only did the late great justice but also solidified Gravy's status as an actor. Where things could have gone totally wrong, Gravy's personification of every rapper's favourite rapper was what saved this movie from a straight to dvd release and a $9.99 price tag.

The rest of the characters were played so true to their originals that i had to sit back and remember that i wasn't watching a live documentary. From Lil Kim's hoodrat sex appeal to Lil Cease's position as Biggie's weed carrier and Diddy's over-management and diddy-bopping, every secondary role was played to perfection, or as close to perfection as humanly possible when re-enacting such colourful characters. In fact, there were points in the movie where i kind of wished the whole thing was centered around Lil Kim, possibly because she was really good at getting undressed and rapping.

We all know the story and how fucking cool it is, so i won't even breach that, and aside from the odd obligatory corny catchphrase, the dialogue was impeccable. The cinematography wasn't groundbreaking, but the few environmentally focused shots definitely captured the essence of the East vs. West beef era as a whole and made for some nice transitions between all the drama. The primary shooting scenes weren't blown out of proportion and had me at the edge of my seat in the lead-up, even though i know what happened a million times over and the soundtrack was a culmination of everyone's favourite tracks played at just the right time.

In the end though, everyone got what they came to see, B.I.G in all his (almost) glory, spitting phenomenal verses, toting .44's, shifting crack in the streets, macking every bitch that caught his attention and basically being the reason a-lot of people still listen to hip-hop today. I'm not going to lie to you when i noticed that everyone looked a whole lot more gangster when they came out of the cinema and the general consensus was that Jay-z should have at least made a cameo, but more importantly, hip-hop today could definitely use another Biggie Smalls. Here is a photo of him being the greatest.



Also:

*Hey America, could you maybe send some copies of the movie over when it comes out? We kind of look like assholes when we're premiering the move years after it comes out over there.

*Sorry to the actors for not actually using your real names. I was going to guess them but i figured it would've gotten real awkward for the ones that i genuinely didn't know (aka all of them).

*Biggie > Pac

The Carter 3: A biased review

I've been following Lil Wayne's (aka Weezy F. Baby's aka Young Carter's aka Young Stunna's aka Weezy's) career for the last few years now, from the Carter 2 through every mixtape he's made (and some that were made without his permission) all the way to the highly anticipated Carter 3. I'll admit, being a Lil Wayne fan is like being a fan of a sitcom. He fucks up every now and then but when he is winning, you are winning and no matter what the outcome is you can't help but love him for all the entertainment he provides you with, positive or negative. He has his critics, most of them being closet homosexuals who are riding an anti-weezy bandwagon because he isn't 'underground' enough or because everyone else is riding his willy.
Want to know why everyone rides his willy?
It's because he's a rockstar, straight up and down. He releases music on a more than regular basis because his fans are addicted to it as much as he is addicted to that double styrofoam cup filled with the mysterious liquid. He's a breath of fresh air compared to a large percentage of rappers who keep their off wax identities as hidden as possible. He is as real on his tracks as he is in real life and documenting his entire story on hundreds of mixtape songs in between the release of his two biggest albums is a power move of epic proportions. Realistically, he could have made another two or three albums just from what he released on mixtapes. Where most would lay low and keep their workings a secret, Wayne was serving his fans and existing as a controversial spark at the centre of the rap industry, keeping things interesting and setting a standard for the 'next big thing', whilst working on possibly the most important album of his career.
So, i've decided to give a track by track breakdown of why this is the best album ever released by any artist in any genre ever. Stop reading here if you tend to start your day with a glass of freshly squeezed haterade.

Note: This track listing is based on the leak of the album, not the official release.

1."3 Peat"
3:19
The intro joint and probably one of the best tracks on the album. Wayne isn't really trying too hard on this track, he swears a-lot and doesn't even bother setting a standard for the rest of the album with crappy speeches or early album concepts like some other rappers tend to do. Straight to business like a suit on a train.

Standout line - "It's the New Orleans nightmare, money so old it's growing white hair".

2. "Mr. Carter"
feat. Jay-z
5:16
Finally the two best rapper alive's on the same track (Brooklyn 2.0 doesn't count) one self proclaimed, the other critically acclaimed. This has to be the best track on the album. Just Blaze produced it (hard hitting drums/organs/awesomeness), Jay-z featured on it and Lil Wayne has a couple of verses on it. Wayne makes constant references to how good he is, Jay does the same, everyone is happy. The "Mr. Carter" chants at the end of the song are so epic that you'll want to have a baby on the spot.

Standout line - "I'd rather be pushing flowers, then be in the pen sharing showers"

3. "A milli"
3:41
Holy shit, this track blows minds like hairdryers. Definately a contender for best track on the album. The constant, screwed up "A milli" sample doesn't get annoying and Wayne's swag on this track is hard to deny. A bit too slow to be a club banger, but creeps at the perfect pace for you and your white friends to play loudly whilst driving around pretending to be the oppposite of white.

Standout line - "A million here, a million there, sicilian bitch with long hair and coke in her derierre".

4. "Got Money"
4:04
I know it's considered custom to have T-Pain feature on your album these days, no matter how silly he sounds but c'mon, T-Pain? Too-painful to listen to. When every other rapper in the game is using your gimmick, it's time to move on. Start a clothing label/record label and call it a day.

Wayne still kills it, could very well be the best track on the album.

Standout line - I can't listen to this track all the way through, so i'll never know.

5. "Comfortable"
feat. Kanye West and Babyface
4:25
God damn i love this song. Kanye's trademark drums and floaty strings make me want to do things to myself. Wayne tones it down a bit, telling the ladies that although he's hyped on them for the time being, not to get head over heels on a brother. This is a nice change as Wayne is generally less polite when speaking about the opposite sex.

Standout line - "If you leave, leave correct and i'll send a jet to pick up the next".

6. "Dr. Carter"
4:24

Holy shit. Without a doubt, best track on the album. Swizz Beatz slows things down a bit as Wayne dons the stethoscope and brings hip-hop back to life in the form of a wack rapper on the operating table. I liked this track so much that i got my favourite line tatooed on the back of my neck so that when people ask me what it means i can tell them it's something that only i can relate to even though it actually has no bearing whatsoever to anything i've ever done in my lifetime and i'll probably end up getting it lasered off when i realise how much of a retard i've been.

Standout line - Lasered off.

7. "Phone Home"
3:11
Weezy was on some E.T type shit when he made this joint and i'll be honest, it's super annoying. In fact, this review is getting annoying, best track on the album.

Standout line - "PHONE HOME!"

8. "Tie My Hands"
feat. Robin Thicke
5:19

This is really nice this track. Wayne gets deep, listener ends up in tears. Best. Track. Album.

Standout line - If it's the best track on the album, every line is a standout.

9. "Mrs. Officer"
feat. Bobby Valentino
4:47
Hilarious. Wayne talks about having sex with female police officers and the hook sounds like a police siren. MVP track of the album.

Standout line - "And after we got done, i said lady what's your number, she said 9-1-1".

10. "Let the Beat Build"
5:09
Another kanye produced joint, the beat builds for a couple of minutes and you have to sit there and wait for Kanye's genius to explode in your face/ears. When it does, it becomes the best track on the album.

Standout line - ____________________________

11. "Shoot Me Down"
4:29
I like this track heaps. The best bit is when the track starts.

Standout line - *Track starting*

12. "Lollipop"
feat. Static Major

5:02
The official radio release that i refused to listen to because of how many fags were beating off over how good it was before i'd even heard it. After hearing it i can see why so many loads were blown over said track. I take it back, you aren't fags.

Standout line - I can't be bothered with this 'standout line' schtick anymore. I thought i could handle it, but at 16 tracks, it's becoming a bit of a hassle.

13. "La La"
feat. Brisco and Busta Rhymes
4:21
David Banner produced this one, it's on some pre-school nursery rhyme ish and Busta Rhymes isn't afraid to claim first pick at the play equipment. I like this song, my friends think it's annoying but they don't realise that they sound annoying when they say that. Having said that, i personally think that this is the best track on the album.

14. "Playing With Fire"
feat. Betty Wright
4:21
Weezy actually loses his mind on this track. Telling people to assasinate him, comparing himself to MLK (brave) and generally being a superstar. BTOTA.

15. "You ain't got nothing"

feat. Fabolous and Juelz Santana
5:27
This track is as grimey as the lasagne you left out on the kitchen table for all those weeks because you forgot it was yours and expected someone else to clean it because it supposedly wasn't your responsibility once the pasta had hardened, whereas if you had been requested to wash it before the hardening of the pasta, it wouldn't have been a problem.

Speaking of pasta - "Forty cal fettucine, tre pound pasta, you come for this medallion you must like italian"

16. "Dont Get It"
9:52

Common already used the Misunderstood sample for that track on 'Finding Forever' but he isn't half as entertaining as Wayne so i pretty much deleted it from my memory. With that done, Wayne goes on a five minute rant about how much he hates Al Sharpton. I don't know who Al Sharpton is but you can bet that after hearing this track, i wanted to kill him. I fucking hate Al Sharpton yo. I hate him so much that i don't even know why.

I'll leave you with this image. Start getting excited, this baby drops very soon.

The new Audi commercial

So i saw the new Audi commercial last night. For the most part, I thought it was crap with a hint of pretty sweet. They featured a good range of their new cars, the editing was quick paced and the queer rock soundtrack really made me feel like i was test driving the cars, with my eyes.

The only problem i had was that Robert Downey Jr. kept popping up in between the shots of the cars, jabbering on about how he had to build a special suit to fight a company that produces the weapons that almost got him killed in iraq/iran/afghanistan/barren landscape. The very same company that he owns and operates.

Now, i'm all for commercials with plotlines and interesting characters, but Audi really went all out with this one. Explosions, Terrence Howard, limb operated propulsion devices, Gwyneth Paltrow and missiles all got mentions in this one and at 126 minutes, it is one of the longest commercials I have ever been forced to sit through. Have you ever seen a car commercial with it's own hype poster?

One man, one machine, one hundred and twenty six minutes of pure Audi.

I don't give a dick about Audi's or robots for that matter, but Robert Downey Jr. is one charming son of a bitch and if you don't want to buy a car anytime soon then I suggest you avoid making eye contact with said advertisement. Here are some sounds/images that will let you know the commercial is about to start so you can evacuate before it's too late:

1. AC/DC.

2. Robert Downey Jr. charming the pants off anything around him, including pants.

3. The Audi R8, which is basically a poor man's fighter jet.

4. Fighter jets.

If you have seen all of these things, it's all over and your pants have already evacuated your body. Watch it through to the end for one of the most exciting credit rolls ever seen in a commercial.

No country for old pussies.

I finally watched this movie the other night called 'No Country for Old Men' after months of passing it off as another gay cowboy movie. The thing is, if you even looked at this guy sideways he'd cut your dick off, somehow make a bullet out of it and then shoot you in the face with it, killing you and anyone around you on impact. The cops would then show up at the scene and laugh at you because he'll make it appear that you died whilst giving yourself a hummer.
Then he'll go and kill a dog because he can but also to cover his tracks. (Note: He actually kills a dog in the film. Hollow man is probably the only other guy to ever kill a dog on camera but he's a pussy compared to this guy.)
In fact, i'd go as far to say that he is the hardest man ever to grace a dvd cover and having him walk around and deface people with a captive bolt pistol is a pretty well thought out concept for a movie.
The only let down is the end in which (spoiler alert) Tommy Lee Jones sits there and looks old for about forty five minutes before the credits roll. I think he says some stuff but he wasn't killing anyone at the time so i wasn't really paying attention.

Five stars.

Sucking the glass willy isn't cool anymore.

Didn't you get the memo?
I have a high that is much more attractive to indulge in and won't make you look silly. It will take you to 'the place', but instead of leaving you high and dry in an alleway eating your own puke and begging for money, it will instead give you a lift home to your warm bed and kindly refuse any money that you offer it.

It's called 'Fily Folly' and it is better than ice and subsequently, a-lot harder to find.

That's right, fairy floss and bubblegum, together at last. The fairy floss character on the packaging is buzzing so hard that he's actually eating himself.

The blanket shape symbolises how warm and fuzzy you will feel after 'getting on'. No pipes, no light globes, no fucking around basically.

The transition from fairy floss to gum is unlike anything you will ever experience. Discard your cherished childhood memories of fairy floss melting in your mouth and enjoy as fily folly performs a metamorphosis that can't even be explained and probably never will be.

Follow it up with a pack of these and in no time you'll be running around getting in everyone's face and telling them how much you love them and that it's a real shame that you don't hang out anymore.

Side effects include increased blood sugar levels and a rapid heartbeat but at least you weren't hanging out on the corner of William and Wellington offering rim-jobs for your next score.