Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Deconstructing construction workers.

Over the last few weeks I've had the immense pleasure of working next a busy construction site. They're in the process of developing another shopping centre that will supposedly change the face of shopping as we know it and will probably evolve fashion as well. I don't see how a bunch of supermarkets and scented department stores will have any effect aside from bringing this particular suburb's collective noses closer to it's collective asses but i'm young and ignorant and probably don't understand city planning very well.

As a result of my position, i've been in close proximity to a particular breed of human known as the 'blue collar construction worker'. Over the course of three weeks i've gathered an insightful insight into this colourful sub-species and have even started to decipher their language to the point where i can understand some of the things they say. One of my findings pertains to nouns and how they can be replaced with the lesser and more versatile 'Fuck'. In turn, the word 'Fuck' can be used to describe any dead or living thing, place, person, or baby.

Example:
"Fuck, look at that fucking fuck in the fucking distance! For fuck's sake i'd fuck the fuck out of that fuck for fuck!"

Translation:
"Hey peers, never in my line of work have i seen such an appealing female. I would welcome the prospect of courting and possibly mating with her. I am not seeking your approvals or opinions on this matter and it is not open for discussion".

The same objectivity relates to the words 'shit', 'cunt' and any other words that the general population would consider a crude expletive.

Example:
"Oi cunt, take that shit over to that cunt and fucking get back here shit hot quick you cunt. If he tells me otherwise, you're fucked."

Translation:
"Good morning apprentice. Your first task of the day will be to carry these objects to the foreman over there as hastily as possible. I would appreciate it greatly if you applied a similar haste to your return. Should the foreman notify me of any shortcomings in your performance of this task, i will rape you (?)".

Aside from the language i have also noticed an interesting uniform formality that apparently determines the class of the worker. Namely, the length of their shorts. The higher the hem of the shorts on the worker, the higher his position on the site.

5cm above knee = Lowly apprentice. Possibly nervous about the lack of hair/muscle on the higher regions of his legs. Will receive endless flack and punishment for the seemingly ridiculous length of his shorts. You should note that if these shorts were worn outside of the construction site, he would receive endless flack and punishment for the same reason.

10cm above knee = Full timer, completed apprenticeship. Having developed a stellar thigh tan and considerable hair growth throughout the course of his apprenticeship, the full timer is confident of his appearance on the site and even implores other workers to check it out. The lowly apprentice is not allowed to gaze upon the full timers thigh without permission.

1 testicle revealed = Site manager. Fully fledged and unafraid, the site manager would like you all to know that it is possible to make a living out of labour and that one day you too can walk around with a single testicle flapping about in the wind. Should a lowly apprentice catch so much as a glance at the site managers lonely marble, the punishment ranges anywhere between a pay cut or night shift security on site for a week.

Both testicles revealed = The big boss. I've only seen the big boss out of the site office once but i can assure you that his presence was respected as much as it was feared. To walk around with both testicles revealed on a construction site is to know real power. All apprentices are re-located to the nearest ditch to avoid any possible encounters.

The eating habits of the construction worker are quite habitual and their diet consists mainly of sausage rolls and flavoured milk. Clouds of luminescent gas have been known to float above the site after their communal lunch ceremony for periods undetermined by the human nose. They don't leave any markings of their dining per se, but empty Winfield brand cigarette packets can be found in abundance once dining is finished.

Unfortunately, my research ends there. I could tell you all about the unexplainable combination of racist tendencies and unaparelled acceptance of all ethnicities working on site, but you aren't ready for that yet. For the time being, construction workers are reasonably safe to approach and even quite friendly for the most part. Be aware though, should you find yourselves between a group of them and a female of suburban upbringing, get the fuck out of there, otherwise you're fucked cunt.

1 comment:

(NME) said...

you forgot too mention their music taste, it goes something like this.. NICKLEBACK,CHAD CRUGER? NICKLEBACK. seriously, its the only thing i ever hear as i stroll pass, eardrums bleeding, soul crushed.

(NME)