Sunday, May 10, 2009

Interview with a vagina.

I like to keep it pretty family oriented here at TrulyHeinous but unfortunately it would be ignorant to think that there isn't a 7-15 year old that hasn't seen the above picture (minus the super witty Agro censor badge).
Yes, i'm talking about the whole 'Cassie shows where she multiplies to get publicised' scenario and if you weren't aware of it, be sure to say hello to everyone in your retirement village for me because you're clearly old or ignorant. Here's the 411 for the underground heads.

A few days ago some naughty photos of the ever-aspiring r&b songstress, Cassie Ventura, were 'leaked' on the internet as a form of revenge (publicity) from a yet to be named ex-boyfriend (publicist). The photos spread like any other photo of a naked celebrity in career-compromising positions and now everyone in the world can claim that they've been to third base with a semi-famous r&b diva. They can also claim that they've had P-Diddy's seconds, which is a feat that every male will aspire to at one or more stages of his life.
Not only is Cassie aware of the humiliation, but she responded to it via her twitter page saying "someone has hacked my computer blah blah blah foul and indecent blah blah blah don't act like you ain't seen a titty before". This was possibly before she realized the above photo was also being circulated, minus the witty Agro censor badge.

Amongst all the madness TrulyHeinous wasn't able to catch Cassie for an interview but instead, i was able to correspond via email with the star of the show, her vagina. For protection, the vagina can't be named and will therefore be referred to under the alias 'Delilah'.

First of all Delilah, i can't say that i'm a huge fan due to being unaware of any previous work of yours, but i can definitely say that you have an ever-growing male fan base where i live and probably everywhere else by this stage.
Thanks! I've never been down under before, i've met a few people from Australia and they were awesome!

Indeed. So let's run through the past week. How does it feel to go from local notoriety to superstardom in a matter of hours?
Well, it's a little crazy to be honest. Cassie and I have always been on the cusp of that particular level of fame, but we've only just recently sat back and thought "wow, we're actually here!". Obviously the circumstances weren't ideal but now that i'm out there, i'm loving every minute of it.

So it wasn't a publicity stunt by Cassie? Everyone knows Cassie's album is coming out soon. You don't feel like you're being used at all?
How am i being used if i'm enjoying the fame as much as she is?

So it was leaked in pursuit of publicity?
Look, let's keep it real here. If you'd been a work in progress for the last five years and were slowly becoming more known for the celebrities you'd slept with than the music you'd made, what would you do?

Good question. I'd probably do some vocal training and not sleep with celebrities.
Yeah, well, we don't have time for that. My time to shine is now.

What about Rhianna's delilah? Do you feel that she's riding your coat tails, or was it out of pure coincidence that you both popped up at the same time.
Coincidence? I love Rhianna's work, i really do. But if she's thinking of comparing herself to me and Cassie. Well, let's just say that i have a beatdown sandwich on the kitchen table just waiting to be served.

You're obviously very passionate about what you do. What exactly is it that you do?
Well, a normal day entails just sitting around being hidden away by Cassie. Occasionally i'll interview prospective managers and other staff and pose for some photos, but aside from that i'm very behind the scenes.

Not so much now though.
That's right. We're in talks about me doing an album cover.

I mean, why not right?

Yeah, why not put a vagina on the cover of a debut album? Everyone's seen it already, right?
Exactly. The way i see it. Cassie needs to capitalize on this situation. I'm out there right now, doing the rounds on an international mainframe. I'm the most recognizable reproductive organ in the game at the moment. I'm craving some utilization.

And have you met any other celebrity organs as a result?
I don't kiss and tell. Me and Sean's diddy have been hanging out a bit.

Alright, we should probably rap it up about now, my girlfriend doesn't really like the idea of me interviewing a vagina.
Any last words? Can you sum the situation up for us?
Gladly. People have to understand that after all the publicity and ex-boyfriend rumours and whatnot, it's all pretty innocent. I mean, it's all been done before. Salma Hayek, Angelina Jolie, Mark Wahlberg, Janet Jackson. Where would these names be without getting their Delilah's out? At the end of the day, i'm the most wonderful thing on God's green earth. I'm the reason men go out and get jobs, buy nice clothes, cars, dinner, houses, toothbrushes and furniture. I'm the reason women expect men to do all these things. In fact, you could safely say that i'm the centre of the universe right now, but i'm never going to let the fame get to my head (?), you have to stay humble in this business.

Wise words.



That's A-grade material there son. Definitive Am-bush journalism!

Me said...

Thanks blad.

Sorry if you saw it before i bolded the question about Rhianna. That really upset me that i left it like that.


yo, you still working thursday nights.. i have some digital cake batter to drop off

Seymour Scagnetti said...

can you please interview my balls one time?