Monday, May 25, 2009


I'm not the most patriotic of souls i'll admit. That's not because i live in Australia though, if i lived anywhere on this Earth i still wouldn't be waving flags around on particular dates of painting or my face like an asshole. The only way you'd find me pumping national anthems out of my car and drinking copious amounts of alcohol to celebrate my country is if i lived in Antarctica because Antarctica is awesome. There's ice everywhere. There's no traffic. You get to go ice skating with polar bears and other mythical creatures and you get to wear Winter fashion all year round. It's just the best place in the world and the only continent worthy of ever having a documentary made in it's honour, unlike everywhere else.

Currently though, i live in Australia. Our national anthem is about droughts and the sun and working hard but it might as well be the Qantas theme song. We are known for being able to drink shitloads of alcohol, ride kangaroos, bash other countries and religiously watch a sport that requires it's participants to pick up balls, kick them and then do the same thing to the respective faces of the opposing team members. Complimentary crystal meth is supplied at the end of each game followed by parents pushing their kids to chase their own lost fantasies.
I'm sorry, no more football bashing. I actually watched a game the other day and it was very entertaining up until the point i realised that there were no hot cheerleaders or nurses and the halftime show involved an old man talking about war and saying sorry to aboriginals.

As of yesterday the inundation of absolutely ridiculous news articles concerning our country hit the point where i felt the need to complain about it on my blog. It seems as though Australia is going through some tough times at the moment and i'm not talking about the recession either. Actually, i am talking about a recession, but it's more of a mental recession where brain power is scarce and no one can find jobs because they're stupid.

Here's what's been going on in Australia lately.

- Google NRL, get group sex.
Another of our national sports that hardly anyone pays any attention to has found fame out of it's most recent controversy, group sex for team motivation. I actually don't have a problem with this. If a bunch of guys want to stand around waiting to smash some bimbo who was obviously after some local celebrity dick to motivate themselves then go for it. I do have a problem with the entire country condemning any form of sex-related team seminars out of one side of it's mouth and then promoting the crushing of skulls, the drinking of locally produced rum and prophylactics out of the other side.

- King's cross attention seeker makes up a recollection, says 'wog' about a thousand times and becomes a national hero.

Click the header if you haven't witnessed the shitness yet. It doesn't matter how she tries to twist it now. This girl is the product of one and a half pingers, an industrial sized can of spray tan and some good old A-grade Australian ignorance to racism. She's now arguing that 'wog' isn't as racist as it is affectionate. Bitch, there is no way that the word 'wog' has officially become a safe alternative to 'italian' or even 'guy'. It's pretty simple what happened. She saw the camera, realized that it was her least favorite nationality involved in the dispute and used it as a chance to generalize their entire race in a spout of lies and extremely poor gun impersonations. I can see the slogan t-shirts rolling out of the factory already, "we promote multiculturalism here in Australia, come over and see our wogz!"

On a side note, something good did come out of this bitch's fifteen seconds of anti-fame and that is more motivational posters. To me, motivational posters are the epitome of the perfect joke.

- Kyle Sandilands and Dave Hughes battle it out via Twitter.
Seriously. I read this morning that the radio shock-jock Kyle Sandilands and actual comedian Dave Hughes are beefing over the latest craze in social networking, Twitter.
How do these two even have a Twitter account? Firstly, Kyle Sandilands is the WORST. The guy just flops around the place saying shit that he thinks is going to be controversial and gain him some respect for having a left-of-field opinion when all he does is come off as a talentless portion of excrement. What's that Kyle? You say what everyone is thinking? No you don't. If you said what everyone was thinking then you would be dead because you would have killed yourself because everyone wishes you were dead and that's why you have to hire 24 hour security to protect your sweaty self.
Dave Hughes on the other hand thinks that his buddy Rove's show is better than Kyle's! Oh no! Who gives a flying fuck! Both radio shows are completely lame in their own respect with the same G-rated pokes at modern society followed by music that makes me want to harm myself. Both of these guys need to address their deep seeded inferiority issues and cease using twitter to hide the fact that they're too pussy to fight in real life or find another way to promote their stale humor.

Here is a picture of Kyle Sandilands twitter account with some commentary. Click for instant enlargement.

- W.A finally gets the swine flu, abolishes daylight savings.
Once again Western Australia is showing it's square side by receiving the swine flu a good month after everyone else. I'm quite sure that had it not been the Fremantle Dockers that were potentially infected, it would have been another couple of months before everyone gave a shit about it.
As for the whole daylight savings thing, i consider us lucky for even having it as long as we did. Look at it this way: W.A complaining about daylight savings is like the freak inbred kid that lives in a cage under the staircase complaining about the abundance of fish heads in his dinner, when in reality, he's lucky to be getting dinner at all.

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