Monday, June 1, 2009

King rrod of rrod island.

You know what's really exciting and fun and not the least bit unfair? The 'Red Ring Of Death' yo! Complete emotional stimulation and tolerance metering in one year long exercise!

Don't believe me?

Haven't heard of it?

Fuck you! That's what!

Ok, Let me break it down in a totally easy to understand and extremely rational manner for you, my most precious readers. Basically, you need to go out and spend like, $700 on Microsoft's latest gaming venture, the xbox 360 (or as i like to call it, the tolerance box or XEmotion 180). Lay-by it for an additional sense of accomplishment and even wait outside Harvey Norman before it opens the morning you get it. Buy it, take it home and take pictures of it and post them on your blog to show the internet and the rest of the world how excited and undefiled you are.

Now, this part is important. You need to develop a relationship with the system. I'm talking solid hours, rubbing, cleaning and more blog posts about how much fun you guys have together. You can even write raps about it if you really want. As the precious moments with your system start to accumulate and the relationship begins to gain some momentum, be sure to spend a good portion of your weekly paycheck buying gifts for it that you can both share. Develop a rapport with the suppliers of these gifts and praise them on the internet as well.

If things have been going steady for around a year, test the relationship by spending time with some other systems. I guarantee their inferior graphics and dual channel sound quality will only strengthen your bond and you can start taking things to the next level. Namely, the Red Ring of Death. This is going to be the peak of your relationship and the most intense sensation a man can ever feel for an electronic device.

Make sure you have the day off. Settle in for a sneaky session before you resume with the duties that life tends only to allocate on your day off. Start out how you normally would, switch your system on with the care that a mother shows a sleeping baby, grasp the controller's contours like a latin dancer does his partner and get comfortable the only way that someone who knows how to get comfortable would. Start the game and play for about 20 minutes. This is it. Everything you've put into this relationship is about to be answered for and you are about to experience what millions of gamers before you can speak of with only the highest regard.

Cutscene start. Sound fail. Lines cover screen.
System shut down.

It's over and i'll tell you right now it's worth every millisecond of potential heart failure that comes with it. Sit there and stare at the blank screen for a little while and catch your breath. You can even have a cigarette if you like. Once you've composed yourself, try and switch the system back on again and sit there in hypnotic awe as the three red horseman surround the symbol of your kinship in a romantic and powerful display of lost love and spiritual fulfillment.

Congratulations, your xbox 360 is now completely fucked. Call Microsoft, tell them you've already arranged for the collective kidnapping of their babies and and they have exactly one and a half weeks to deliver a new system.
Wait by your front door for a week and a half sobbing violently.

I kept mine.

*UPDATE - My xbox has magically repaired itself and is currently experiencing a second existence. Goes to show that you can't take life for granted.


$hcott Free said...

It was only a matter of time,especially with the amount of work you put your 360 through.
I highly reccomend you pack it up and send it off to MS ASAP,10 days without your console aint so bad.

ckm said...

Yeah mine died then came back to life the next day, however over the next few days the picture quali deteriorated and then it just completely died. They should give you a free month of live when they send it back as well, at least they did for me.