Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Bayonetta is the greatest game ever made. Any game made before Bayonetta is now null and void and any games released in the future, regardless of technological advancements, will suck immensely in comparison to Bayonetta. The only exceptions to these findings are games i have previously referred to as the best games ever. If you disagree with this you either haven't played Bayonetta yet or you quietly wept in your girlfriend's lap after watching The Notebook.
I could write a bible-sized publication discussing the pros of Bayonetta and it would be just as relevant as the bible and possibly more successful, but that isn't the Bayonetta way. Instead, i'll keep it short, explosive, stabby and as non-descriptive as possible.
Bayonetta doesn't discriminate.
Before Bayonetta the only themes video games explored were war, street fighting, romance and teamwork. After playing Bayonetta, these themes look stale and uninspired in retrospect and when i look back at all the time i've wasted contributing to the above causes, i feel simple-minded and uneducated. At any given moment, Bayonetta explores witchcraft, magic, religion, breakdancing, identity, parenthood, hair management, weapon customization, geography, fitness training, different flavoured lollipops, air combos and scarves. This leads to a unique experience in which you'll be riding a motorcycle at 500km/h, upside down on an exploding freeway, ducking axes swung by monolithic demi-gods, taking pop shots at mythical armor-clad angels and dropping seriously sassy one-liners amongst all the destruction like it's an everyday occurrence which, for Bayonetta, wouldn't be far from the exact truth. This all happens while you learn about European geography and religious theories completely made up by the developers of the game, which is all much easier to digest when you realize that they themselves are gods for creating such a perfect product.
Bayonetta is sex on legs/wheels/invisible floating scripture platforms.
I remember the first time i saw Lara Croft crawl through an inhumanely tight cavity during the early hours of Tomb Raider 2. The camera purposely zoomed straight onto her backside as it shuffled left and right and the whole experience was made all the more erotic by the moaning sounds she made as she traversed the unrealistically long tunnel. The tunnel in question served absolutely no purpose in the game (unless you count a pointless artifact as purpose), aside from making the player feel uncomfortable for lusting after a bunch of carefully placed polygons and a pair of hip-mounted pistols with unlimited ammo. Since then, games featuring outrageously proportioned female protagonists have come and go, but none have managed to capture the beauty and perfection of the female form like Bayonetta has.
Do you like bi-sexual, pistol wielding, black-haired librarian ninja experts in leather jumpsuits? Me too. Look at how she defiantly perches atop that infant angel statue in a union of religion and sexuality never captured before on any medium aside from xbox 360 and Playstation 3. She's not all guns and angels though, the developers spent just as much time on a few other vitals that serve as intriguing interruptions during the quieter moments of the game, of which there are zero.
The first one being her lower back region.
If i was to make an estimate, i'd say the creators of this game spent just as much time creating Bayonetta's backside as they did the entire structure of the game. Time well spent considering i spent so much time watching Bayonetta strut (her walk will soon be emulated on catwalks around the world) around the opening levels that i didn't even notice the amazing architecture surrounding her strut and completely forgot that i was meant to be saving hell from renegade angels and buying weapons from the demonic doppleganger of Samuel L. Jackson's long lost brother from Pulp Fiction while he drops one-liners that would convert a room full of feminist lesbians to his religion of cool.
The other just as important attributes being her hair and her heels, both of which i'm yet to distinguish in terms of awesomeness and convenience.
Some girls like to do their hair before they go out at night or after a shower. That's kind of cool i guess. Bayonetta on the other hand prefers to use her hair for more worthy causes, like morphing it into demonic, restaurant-sized limbs and creatures specifically summoned for the disposal of other demonic creatures. For some reason she turns naked while all of this happens, which is marginally cooler than aforementioned summoning. Bayonetta's choice of footwear is gun-mounted high heels that aren't out yet. When she isn't transforming into a panther or a peacock blackbird, Bayonetta does a-lot of running and jumping. Whilst high heels may not be the most ideal form of footwear for her lifestyle choices, the guns attached to them are more than capable of mutilating any foes that try and interrupt her sexy travels. Fashionistas pay attention, gun-heels are the next must have item to heat up that winter wardrobe.
Bayonetta actually has a storyline. I'm dead serious.
It's true. I didn't notice it myself, but apparently Bayonetta is set in a fictional European city called 'Vigrid' during an inter-dimensional war between 'Paradiso' (heaven), Purgatorio (purgatory) and 'Inferno' (hell). Bayonetta's own past is shrouded in mystery and she has no idea who she is or why she's so attractive and the game is based around uncovering these minor discrepancies. There's a love interest in there somewhere as well but the guy is a total pussy and i wish he'd just leave Bayonetta alone to her devices. I would have been just as satisfied with the game had it not come with a plot and more weapons in it's place but the cut-scenes do serve as a vehicle for high levels of sexual innuendo between Bayonetta and her less attractive nemesis, Jeanne.
Oh, you're still here.
Fine. As i strolled through the winding, cracked path of another golden sanctuary surrounded by exotic flora and ancient architecture, the heavens above shot luminescent rays of sunlight onto the pebbled floor, doves chirped gleefully in the trees above and angelic hymns echoed in the distance, a soft breeze kindly ushered me towards an unfamiliar portal that i was currently unfamiliar with. I remembered that i was Bayonetta and i do what i want so i stepped through the portal and found myself immedieately confronted with a medusa-faced titan the size of the planet i was currently inhibiting, covered sky to ground in an impenetrable ancient stone that i would soon have to penetrate. He had an impressive crown on and was really pissed off at me for some reason and before he even gave an epic speech, his spiky vines of hatred flew towards me at unidentifiable speeds and i knew it was go time. As i dodged his unreasonable onslaught, he produced and then extended what looked like a miniature version of his head attached to his ancient oesophagus with intentions of doing me harm. I had other intentions for this unannounced entry. As i disposed of his spiky friends and their sharp teeth, i slowed down time for a few seconds, jumped onto and sprinted down his stony offspring in slow motion and laid the finishing touches to his face with my swords, guns and hair. As his blood and ancient entrails filled the skies and he apologized for the inconvenience, I was suddenly at peace and totally glad i'd left that fucking boring old garden.
That's right, perfect. Sell your current library and buy it. If you already own it, fuck off, she's mine.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
According to Wikipedia, "Sleep is a naturally recurring state of relatively suspended sensory and motor activity, characterized by total or partial unconsciousness and the inactivity of nearly all voluntary muscles. It is distinguished from quiet wakefulness by a decreased ability to react to stimuli, and it is more easily reversible than hibernation or coma. It is observed in all mammals, all birds, and many reptiles, amphibians, and fish".
True for the most part, but what Wikipedia and it's user-friendly database fail to mention is that Sleep is very much the best thing ever and comparable only to Modern Warfare 2 and hibernation in terms of playability and application to every day life. Sleep is why i go to bed at night and the reason i get up in the morning. It is the only bodily function that allows me to simultaneously exist in a state of complete comfort and have a perfectly legitimate excuse to not interact with anyone or do any chores. Sleep is what happens while you're not making other plans.
Then you've got dreams, don't get me started on dreams! It's like, sleep is awesome enough by itself and then a dream comes along and says "hey, want me to take that enjoyment and relaxation you're currently experiencing and supersize the shit out of it for no extra cost or labour?". I would actually pay for dreams given the proposition, i would physically put money into a coin slot on my bedside table and be able to sleep at night knowing that i'd contributed to a worthy cause. I mean, i've been getting all these lazers, dinosaurs, explosions, celebrity encounters and babes for free all this time. You probably wouldn't steal a handbag, but i know you'd legitimately pay for a good dream about a lazer-mounted babe who escorts you to a Hollywood awards ceremony on a Stegosaurus in a tuxedo, narrowly dodging carefully placed explosions the whole way there and even a bit on the way back.
But what about sleep-talking? That's awesome too right?
Only just. According to me, sleep-talking is the mysterious and mostly absent cousin of dreams. It's mystery lies in our lack of knowledge regarding it's implications and the fact that (aside from sleep-walking, which is just ridiculous) it is the only action that can safely traverse between the realm of the living and the kingdom of sleep. The problem is, this divine occurrence is a little inconsistent when it comes to the relevance of it's messages to whoever should be fortunate or conscious enough to hear it. I could count the amount of times i've heard someone talking in their sleep on one hand and i could count the amount of times i've been told that i've done so myself on the other with a few fingers to spare.
I've been alive for just over 24 years now and from what i can gather of that 24 years, the only things people sleep-talk about are swans or requests for whomever they are interacting with in their dream to stop doing whatever it is they are doing. Ask them the day after and they'll deny all knowledge in an attempt to be cute, or to cover up how deranged they actually are. Swans aren't mythical creatures and you got molested, just admit it. Amazingly enough, any other interactions with sleep-talkers have consisted primarily mumbled conversations and nonsensical jargon, both of which lead me to the conclusion that while sleep-talking is hilarious and pointless, it has no worthy application in the realm of the living and any claims otherwise are generally presented with no evidence and the craving of attention.
Along comes the Sleep Talkin' Man. This blog has been getting in my face every time i open my internet browser for the last couple of weeks now. Through fear of feeling like an un-popcultured douchebag in the real world, i went and checked it out this morning to educate myself on this man and his apparent harnessing of talking while he sleeps. The concept is pretty darling and simple, wife marries husband, husband talks during sleep, wife enjoys and records on internet, world laughs and I become suspicious.
Here are some of the things he's (hasn't) said in his sleep:
"Just look at yourself. Yeah, now look at me. You don't stand a chance. It must suck to be you, I'm sure."
"I am awe-some. Deal with it fucker!"
"Yes I'm sad, but if you stood further away, I'd be happier. No, further away. Well, let's face it, just fucking CUNT OFF! Thank you, I appreciate it."
"I haven't put on weight. Your eyes are fat."
So where's "I go from zero to bitch in 5 seconds" or "Horn broken, watch for finger"? I will say it once, then i'll leave it be, there is no way this man is saying these things in his sleep. The quotes on this page are the brainchild of two or more people sitting in a living room and concocting one liners based on randomly generated objects and entities or just straight ripping off popular rear window decals and passing it off as some guy sleep talking and then merchandising the fuck out of it.
"sO whAt iF it fAke?? at lEasT its mAking LarFs!!
Which brings me to my second and least important point. It's not funny. It's arrogant without the bite, it's vulgar without the strategically placed expletives, it's childish , it's sexist without being good at being sexist and it's intangible without being imaginative, which is why i can totally understand that it's so annoyingly popular. The movie Idiocracy instantly springs to mind. Don't slingshot the porcupine, it's cunt spikes will pop your round balloon face, actually, do it, i'll look better as a result. Please do it. Otter alliance! Sabotage the dolphin's pasta recipes, they can't win! Can you hold my anus please? Don't steal it, it's my anus. Blah blah blah, slingshots, blah blah blah, farm animal, blah blah blah, Nevada, blah blah, random verb.
It's not even the lack of humour that dissapoints me. Sure, when i landed on the page i was expecting some kind of laughter induced cardiac arrest because that's what was advertised to me by it's sizable readership, but that's not why i'm complaining today. Actually, it is, and more. Not only are Adam and Karen making some serious bank by creating happiness under false pretenses, but soon enough i'm going to be seeing people walking around in shirts that say "I can't control the kittens, too many whiskers" or "fuck off and let me bask in the glory of being me", which in turn puts an automatic 'F' on society's 2010 report card and shoots any chances we had of being taken seriously by the rest of the universe.
Which reminds me:
The aliens are laughing at me! Fuck. Get me an ocean anenome so i can scare them off! Anenome the enemies! Jam on dashboards and sandy goblins with illuminated extremities!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
"Fuck off, we're full".
Haha. This guy is awesome. He doesn't want anyone else in his car, even though he's the only person in it which is totally ironic and means that he prefers to be by himself. I wonder what that Australia decal around the saying means though? Oh that's right, it means that he isn't being ironic, he's being an overtly racist redneck shitdick. The sticker actually means that matte black Hilux is of the belief that his current country of residence is at maximum capacity and can't possibly accommodate any more residents. Remember when you were a young boy in primary school and you derived great satisfaction from the exclusion of girls from activities and/or secret clubs because you thought they were of lesser hygiene quality and therefore unable to adapt to the living conditions of said clubs or activities? You were actually being more mature than matte black Hilux.
It's like when i play Street Fighter 4. Some people just pick Ryu all the time because he's Japanese and a good world warrior, whereas i like to apply an even spread mentality to my character selection and on any given day you could find me riding with Ryu, Ken, Dhalsim, Sagat, Zangief or even Chun-Li (who is a girl), not because i'm anti-racism, but because i am pro-humanity and also because i hate people that only pick Ryu in Street Fighter (wow, you've mastered the fireball and all it's functions and applications, you are a boring world warrior). Not only do i get to master all of their technical retaliations and combo ranges, i also learn a little about each culture and become a better person after each game. Imagine if Ryu, Dhalsim and Zangief pulled up behind matte black hilux? I think after all the 17 hit Hadouken's, spinning piledrivers and yoga flames, they'd be pretty sad.
They wouldn't leave the country though, which means that matte black hilux's sticker is not only racist, but also especially pointless. To realize that these mobile racists actually believe that someone is going to leave a country because they saw a sticker on someone's car is to realize how mentally and socially incapable they actually are. "Oh man, that guy's sticker says "we grew here, you flew here", better call Damayanti, we're heading back to India". Well done, matte black hilux! That's one less quiet, hard-working Indian family for you to worry about! Let's do some bog laps around Curtin University and see if we can't clear out some Japanese students!
Don't take my word for it though. I'm hardly the first and final word in diplomacy and race relations, take these Omegle confessions as the final nails in the coffin to matte black Hilux's cause and why his efforts are completely in vain.
Here's a conversation i had with a lovely chap from Greece who had recently migrated to the U.S. Before he started getting gay on me, he actually made a valid point.
You: if you were driving around in the U.S. and you saw a sticker on the back of someone's car that said either "fuck off, we're full" or "if you don't like it, leave", would you be offended?
Here's a statement from a young Hispanic fellow, who shared a similar view to myself on the application of these stickers to one's Hilux.
With this one i just went straight out and played the victim. The results speak for themselves.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
News desks, movie stars, the elderly/disabled, babies and billboards all pushed their slight differences aside and rejoiced in the blaming of an entire year for their shortcomings and collective erectile dysfunctions. 2009 wasn't the first time this has happened, (the transition between 1999-2000 was held accountable for every human error made for the 2000 years before it) but it was definitely the most recent and by far the most ruthless. From a personal perspective, I complain better than anyone i know (I once complained my way out of my own baptism and then complained about the fact that i never got baptised) but when i'm going about my daily business and hearing things like "gosh, i can't believe how shit 2009 was!" and "bring on 2010! 2009 is the devil and it even stole my car!", it's time to get someone else's side of the story. Namely, 2009.
I managed to catch 2009 before he left for a much needed holiday in an attempt to understand it's conviction and the reason why everyone is blaming him for their self-inflicted failures. The following interview was conducted under a strict no bias policy pertaining to myself and any affiliated companies or government bodies with whom i am afiliated, which is none.
Firstly 2009, i'm a huge fan and i really appreciate you taking the time out to speak with me today.
Not a problem! I was actually just ducking out for a beer with 1999.
Oh really? Do you and 1999 hang out often?
Well, not so much when i was younger. Definitely towards the end though, we found that we have a-lot in common.
What's 99' doing now? Do you mind if i call him '99?
Nah, he's cool with that, he's just started calling me '09 actually. I call him 'Agent 99' sometimes and we joke around about him being older than me even though i'm ten years older than him!
Kind of like a little inside joke?
Yeah, no-one really gets it though. I think we're a little misunderstood.
Definitely, we'll get to that soon enough. So is '99 still complacent being lost in the ages? Any plans of a comeback?
He's doing his thing. I don't think he'll be coming back any time soon though, those aspirations are kind of frowned upon in our culture on the basis that it disobeys the laws of time and physics.
Oh yeah, the whole time going backwards thing.
He could do it if he wanted to though. You ever get the feeling that time is going slower than usual?
Pardon the pun, but all the time actually.
Well, that's '99 having a laugh. I love puns by the way!
You're welcome. So, you seem like a nice enough year, what went wrong?
I've been racking my brain for the last 367 days and i honestly can't understand the mean things people have been saying about me these last few months. I mean, i'm being blamed for celebrity deaths, recessions, acne, swine flu and Avatar and i'm sitting there thinking "hey humanity, i'm just a year! Why all the beef?"
I loved Avatar!
Me too! I left that cinema wishing i lived in Pandora, man. J.C really went to town on that one!
You know health experts are blaming that movie for depression and suicide now? Like, people are leaving the cinema and killing themselves because they can't live on Pandora.
That's exactly what i'm talking about! It's like, if Michael Jackson dies or Wall street crashes, blame James Cameron! Blame 2009! It's all their fault!
Whereas you see it as more of the individual's fault when a problem occurs?
Damn straight. That's one of the things i learnt during my tenure. People are always happy to blame the person or the year next to them. I copped it the hardest because i'm a finite entity that can't be touched, heard or smelt and therefore supposedly devoid of any emotion. You can all pass the buck as much as you want, you're the reason you had a shit year and you're the reason the economy crashed, i was just there in respite.
Do you hold any remorse towards the population under your care at that point in time?
I'm TIME magazine's worst year ever. 1997 called me a 'cunt' the other day. What do you think? It's like '99 was telling me just the other day of all the flack he copped for the millenium bug drama. That wasn't even his problem!
As soon as that calendar ticked over to the year 2000 his responsibility for that bug was null and void. People act as if 1999 took a shit on the moon and left it for 2000 to clean up.
I never thought of it like that.
And now look. 2000 walks around like the king of the century because he's the "dawn of a new millenium". What did 2000 ever do for anyone? What, the Olympics? Give me a fucking break!
Lifehouse's 'Hanging by a Moment' was Billboard's overall number one song that year.
Fuck Lifehouse! That shit wouldn't slide during my time. I'd tsunami a Lifehouse concert given the chance.
Speaking of which, weren't you blamed for the Indonesian tsunamis?
Yeah, even though i'm incapable of controlling the weather and it's related elements. That's Mother Nature's doing and i'd love to see you people talk about her the way you've been talking about me.
Back to music, what caught your attention during your time in office?
Actually, 2008 lent me a copy of that Lil Wayne guy's album just last week.
The Carter 3?
That's the one! That's been on heavy rotation. I just found out that his 'No Ceilings' mixtape came out during my time so i've gotta get my hands on that!
There you go! Not everything about you was bad!
That's not funny. I do like Lil Wayne though, he's misunderstood, just like me and '99.
I think we'll finish on that. Any last words or shoutouts?
Yeah i'd like to give 2012 a shoutout. He's already being labeled as the apocalypse and that's pretty heavy for a year that hasn't even started yet. I saw him just the other day and asked him about it and he's all "whatever, i don't even like the Mayans". It's rare for a year to talk like that before his shift. I think even if he does bring the end of the world, he's going to do it in style, which is important.
Beautiful. Tell Agent 99 I said hi.
He'll love that, he reads your blog all the time.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
There's a brand called TapouT now. This intrigues me.
The first time I was confronted with this label was during a casual stroll through the foodcourt at Galleria Morley, not quite the catwalks of Milan but definitely a suitable environment for my introduction to this striking brand and it's loyal customer base. As i strolled through the court's international array of five star eateries, a family of five caught my attention as they brazenly strolled between McDonald's and that health store that only seems to sell beefcake protein shakes and nuts. Galleria Morley is full of families eating cheeseburgers, so why did this family demand my attention moreso than any family before them? Was it the way they walked, shoulders protruding, slightly pigeon-toed and neck tensed to the point of vein pulsation? Was it their similar hairstyles, short up front, i'll kill you out the back? Or was it the fact that anyone in their line of sight would immediately scuttle to the side as a declaration of defeat or fear of being defeated?
Yes, it was. But it was also because every member of this family was wearing a TapouT t-shirt and/or TapouT boardshorts and accessories. The father had chosen the Frank Shamrock signature series, the mother preffered the clean imagery of the Amir Sadollah range, whilst the two kids spoke their minds in matching Kimbo Slice tee's with gold foil emblem and a +5 staunch bonus for the wearer. Their new-born was representing the infant collection, but due to the shelter provided by it's pram i could only make out half a bleeding crushed skull and the words "babies never back down".
Now, as we all know beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Fashion is not a straight line, but more a vacumous zig-zag that bounces back and forth between eras, sucking in those lucky enough to embrace it's unique variables and 'collective individual' mentality. Everyone is going to hate what everyone else is wearing out of one side of their mouth and praise those whose style is enviable out the other at one or more stages of their life. Meanwhile, an impressive 99% of these people actually have little to no idea why they take such a vested interest in the appearance of others and eventually become so concerned with the materials on one's body, they either turn gay or not alive anymore. So why, of all the endless beauty and mystery of our home planet, would i dedicate my valuable time to a brand called TapouT?
Don't ask stupid questions.
People wear surf brands because they like surfing (or they're too lazy to make the transition from child to adult), people wear suits because they probably work in an office or are under the impression that women like guys in suits, which is completely false because only sluts and gold diggers are attracted to men in suits and now, people wear TapouT because they like to crush skulls or view the crushing of skulls from the safety of their favourite couch on their flexi-rented 900 inch home theatre package whilst wearing a TapouT shirt.
"WHEN YOU'RE WAITING FOR SOME DIFFERENTLY DRESSED WEAKLING DWEEB FAG TO LOOK YOU YOU IN THE EYE WHILE YOU LOOK HIM IN THE EYE AND WAIT FOR HIM TO CATCH YOUR EYE, MAKE SURE YOU'RE WEARING THE BROCK LARSON FOIL TAPOUT SHIRT AS YOUR VICTORY SWEAT DRIPS DOWN TO HIS BEATEN NAKED BODY!! WHY IS HE NAKED? FUCK YOU AND YOUR ANCESTORS, THAT'S WHY!!
*fading guitar wails*
Ok, fighting is cool now, it's on foxtel and you don't have to think or get confused about stupid plots and conversation while you watch it. I get it. What i don't get is that while the brand promotes victory and the beating of those that you don't understand, is a tap out not a gesture of surrender? Like, in wrestling or UFC or whatever, if a grown, sweaty man is getting pummeled by another man from behind (it's not gay because they're hitting each-other) and he taps the ground a couple of times, is that not a tap out?
Doesn't matter, look at this!
These are the three masterminds behind the TapouT machine. One guy is named MASK and there's another guy named SKYSCRAPER.
In case you didn't know:
"Skyskrape is the jester of the TapouT Crew and every fighter's best friend (they have the privilege of calling him “Skrape” for short)".
"Some may say his silence is a veil for his super-size ego, but Punkass will take to the streets solo with no remorse for those who cross his path."
Am i the only one who sees this as the possible downfall of middle class society as we know it? The owners of this brand have made up personalities for themselves and promote beat-downs as a form of expression and an alternative to the otherwise saturated mainstream ideology. People actually wear a brand now because they can relate it back to that one time they saw a guy get kicked in the front of the head, then jabbed in the ribs a couple of times and eventually rocked so hard in the face that his feet left the ground and he subsequently forgot his surname and the last ten years of his life. Are Mask, Skyscrape and Punkass actually business-savvy entrepeneurs who don make-up and killer nicknames to appeal to the juvenile mentalities of UFC fans worldwide? Or is TapouT the apocalyptic entity the Mayans spoke of when they predicted a 2012 upset for Planet Earth?