Thursday, January 21, 2010

I'm a whiny little baby.

I'm going to apologize in advance for this post. I love that the Sleep Talkin' Man is bringing all these people happiness and fulfilling their presumably empty lives through seemingly comedic one liners and cheap merchandise displaying said one liners, but as one Neil Godwin famously reminded David Brent, "Beware of false prophets".

According to Wikipedia, "Sleep is a naturally recurring state of relatively suspended sensory and motor activity, characterized by total or partial unconsciousness and the inactivity of nearly all voluntary muscles.[1] It is distinguished from quiet wakefulness by a decreased ability to react to stimuli, and it is more easily reversible than hibernation or coma. It is observed in all mammals, all birds, and many reptiles, amphibians, and fish".

True for the most part, but what Wikipedia and it's user-friendly database fail to mention is that Sleep is very much the best thing ever and comparable only to Modern Warfare 2 and hibernation in terms of playability and application to every day life. Sleep is why i go to bed at night and the reason i get up in the morning. It is the only bodily function that allows me to simultaneously exist in a state of complete comfort and have a perfectly legitimate excuse to not interact with anyone or do any chores. Sleep is what happens while you're not making other plans.

Then you've got dreams, don't get me started on dreams! It's like, sleep is awesome enough by itself and then a dream comes along and says "hey, want me to take that enjoyment and relaxation you're currently experiencing and supersize the shit out of it for no extra cost or labour?". I would actually pay for dreams given the proposition, i would physically put money into a coin slot on my bedside table and be able to sleep at night knowing that i'd contributed to a worthy cause. I mean, i've been getting all these lazers, dinosaurs, explosions, celebrity encounters and babes for free all this time. You probably wouldn't steal a handbag, but i know you'd legitimately pay for a good dream about a lazer-mounted babe who escorts you to a Hollywood awards ceremony on a Stegosaurus in a tuxedo, narrowly dodging carefully placed explosions the whole way there and even a bit on the way back.

But what about sleep-talking? That's awesome too right?

Only just. According to me, sleep-talking is the mysterious and mostly absent cousin of dreams. It's mystery lies in our lack of knowledge regarding it's implications and the fact that (aside from sleep-walking, which is just ridiculous) it is the only action that can safely traverse between the realm of the living and the kingdom of sleep. The problem is, this divine occurrence is a little inconsistent when it comes to the relevance of it's messages to whoever should be fortunate or conscious enough to hear it. I could count the amount of times i've heard someone talking in their sleep on one hand and i could count the amount of times i've been told that i've done so myself on the other with a few fingers to spare.

I've been alive for just over 24 years now and from what i can gather of that 24 years, the only things people sleep-talk about are swans or requests for whomever they are interacting with in their dream to stop doing whatever it is they are doing. Ask them the day after and they'll deny all knowledge in an attempt to be cute, or to cover up how deranged they actually are. Swans aren't mythical creatures and you got molested, just admit it. Amazingly enough, any other interactions with sleep-talkers have consisted primarily mumbled conversations and nonsensical jargon, both of which lead me to the conclusion that while sleep-talking is hilarious and pointless, it has no worthy application in the realm of the living and any claims otherwise are generally presented with no evidence and the craving of attention.

Along comes the Sleep Talkin' Man. This blog has been getting in my face every time i open my internet browser for the last couple of weeks now. Through fear of feeling like an un-popcultured douchebag in the real world, i went and checked it out this morning to educate myself on this man and his apparent harnessing of talking while he sleeps. The concept is pretty darling and simple, wife marries husband, husband talks during sleep, wife enjoys and records on internet, world laughs and I become suspicious.

Here are some of the things he's (hasn't) said in his sleep:

"Just look at yourself. Yeah, now look at me. You don't stand a chance. It must suck to be you, I'm sure."

"I am awe-some. Deal with it fucker!"

"Yes I'm sad, but if you stood further away, I'd be happier. No, further away. Well, let's face it, just fucking CUNT OFF! Thank you, I appreciate it."

"I haven't put on weight. Your eyes are fat."

So where's "I go from zero to bitch in 5 seconds" or "Horn broken, watch for finger"? I will say it once, then i'll leave it be, there is no way this man is saying these things in his sleep. The quotes on this page are the brainchild of two or more people sitting in a living room and concocting one liners based on randomly generated objects and entities or just straight ripping off popular rear window decals and passing it off as some guy sleep talking and then merchandising the fuck out of it.

"sO whAt iF it fAke?? at lEasT its mAking LarFs!!

Which brings me to my second and least important point. It's not funny. It's arrogant without the bite, it's vulgar without the strategically placed expletives, it's childish , it's sexist without being good at being sexist and it's intangible without being imaginative, which is why i can totally understand that it's so annoyingly popular. The movie Idiocracy instantly springs to mind. Don't slingshot the porcupine, it's cunt spikes will pop your round balloon face, actually, do it, i'll look better as a result. Please do it. Otter alliance! Sabotage the dolphin's pasta recipes, they can't win! Can you hold my anus please? Don't steal it, it's my anus. Blah blah blah, slingshots, blah blah blah, farm animal, blah blah blah, Nevada, blah blah, random verb.

It's not even the lack of humour that dissapoints me. Sure, when i landed on the page i was expecting some kind of laughter induced cardiac arrest because that's what was advertised to me by it's sizable readership, but that's not why i'm complaining today. Actually, it is, and more. Not only are Adam and Karen making some serious bank by creating happiness under false pretenses, but soon enough i'm going to be seeing people walking around in shirts that say "I can't control the kittens, too many whiskers" or "fuck off and let me bask in the glory of being me", which in turn puts an automatic 'F' on society's 2010 report card and shoots any chances we had of being taken seriously by the rest of the universe.

Which reminds me:
The aliens are laughing at me! Fuck. Get me an ocean anenome so i can scare them off! Anenome the enemies! Jam on dashboards and sandy goblins with illuminated extremities!


faceface said...

God fucking dammit that reminds me of this travesty:

Ugh. People are awful.

Annik said...

Sleep talkin man is actually written by weezy himself.

Me said...

Hahahaha, Weezy IS the sleep talkin man.