Thursday, August 27, 2009

The shitford wives.

I seriously thought i wasn't going to have to deal with any more top level claremont carpark shennanigans after i totally stamped my authority down during the last outing but it would seem that this is not so. I've never been involved in any real carpark beef before but it seems that the residents of Claremont take this shit seriously. Seriously to the death.

As stated in the last episode, carparks in Claremont are somewhat of an oasis. You could drive around for hours and spot them left, right and center but nine times out of nine, when you get there, it wasn't meant to be. Little is known about Claremont's fascination with having no carparks but history would hint that the residents of this fine suburb believe that they are the only ones that need to park their car within the borders of their postcode. If you're an outsider, tough shit, go park in Fremantle and walk to Claremont and get charged eight dollars for a bottle of water at your nearest newsagency. Working in Claremont? You're getting buttfucked as well. In their eyes your just another sweaty mexican slaving away in their stinky department stores and therefore, you are undeserving of a place to rest your vehicle.

If it were legal, Claremont would replace the aboriginal tribesman, royal and political features that feature on our currency to pictures of empty parking bays. There would be magazines dedicated to the hottest new parking spots for a night on the town, a who's who of bays, a coming attractions section for all the hot new spaces and parallel parks of the month on the last page. Why doesn't Claremont just cut to the chase and erect a marble monument of a carpark in the middle of the shopping district? At least we'd be able to fucking park in it!

Anyway, i'm not going to get too infuriated just yet. For the most part, i've been able to fend for myself by illegally parking on the top floor in spaces reserved for important people who are so important that they don't even drive cars, hence their bays always being empty. Imagine if you were so rich you could just float everywhere? Need the definition of ironic? Well if you can afford to float everywhere and own an apartment or store in Claremont you're well on your way to owning one of these bays and then you won't even need it. Hence me parking in your bay.

Unfortunately, shitbreath has had enough. Whenever i finish work i always have a quick browse of the carpark to see if anyone has been double parked. It's become a tradition since it happened to me and it's always a nice little after work chuckle if someone has been blocked in. Today was far more than a chuckle though, look at where shitbreath has parked.

What do you do in a situation like this? It's so awesome that you can't handle it but at the same time you wish you could pick up cars and throw them. Luckily for awesomeness is pure like driven snow and is more than capable of washing out an emotion like fury. Here's how:


* Ooohh, you're so threatening and carpark warlord like in your morris minor. It's hard to rule with an iron fist when your car looks like it's doing a stand up routine wherever it's parked.

* Shitbreath is so self righteous and mighty that he just assumes by putting his name on his car people will know exactly where he works and possibly his phone number. Who needs a phone number when you have eggs and a plethora of security camera blindspots?

* There's at least 10,000 empty spots surrounding Mr. Shitbreath and his colourful note, yet he still felt it necessary to pick on someone that clearly stole 'his' spot and ruin their days as well. What a cunt!

* Imagine how angry red Getz and even redder Lancer are going to be when they see they've been double parked by a comedian on wheels!

* He left a note just like me! AND ESSENTIALLY MADE THE SAME ERROR!!

You could see how such things would instantly destroy any hurtful feelings i had towards Mr. Shitbreath. These notes were on every car on the top level! It was fucking hilarious! I even saw the asian lady from the bank take one off her car, look around, neatly fold it up and then samurai sword herself in the stomach because she was so angry. Then she got up and drove home like it was nothing, thus ending one of the more exciting chapters in this no doubt lengthy saga.

Hopefully next week samurai girl and morris man come to blows, that would be way too epic not to blog about.

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