Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Bayonetta: Jesus in cd form?

I've been playing this game called 'Bayonetta' for the last few weeks and after a few weeks of deliberation i've come to a conclusion regarding it's subject matter, graphical quality, soundtrack and completely fair ratio of explosions to boners.

Bayonetta is the greatest game ever made. Any game made before Bayonetta is now null and void and any games released in the future, regardless of technological advancements, will suck immensely in comparison to Bayonetta. The only exceptions to these findings are games i have previously referred to as the best games ever. If you disagree with this you either haven't played Bayonetta yet or you quietly wept in your girlfriend's lap after watching The Notebook.

I could write a bible-sized publication discussing the pros of Bayonetta and it would be just as relevant as the bible and possibly more successful, but that isn't the Bayonetta way. Instead, i'll keep it short, explosive, stabby and as non-descriptive as possible.

Bayonetta doesn't discriminate.
Before Bayonetta the only themes video games explored were war, street fighting, romance and teamwork. After playing Bayonetta, these themes look stale and uninspired in retrospect and when i look back at all the time i've wasted contributing to the above causes, i feel simple-minded and uneducated. At any given moment, Bayonetta explores witchcraft, magic, religion, breakdancing, identity, parenthood, hair management, weapon customization, geography, fitness training, different flavoured lollipops, air combos and scarves. This leads to a unique experience in which you'll be riding a motorcycle at 500km/h, upside down on an exploding freeway, ducking axes swung by monolithic demi-gods, taking pop shots at mythical armor-clad angels and dropping seriously sassy one-liners amongst all the destruction like it's an everyday occurrence which, for Bayonetta, wouldn't be far from the exact truth. This all happens while you learn about European geography and religious theories completely made up by the developers of the game, which is all much easier to digest when you realize that they themselves are gods for creating such a perfect product.

Bayonetta is sex on legs/wheels/invisible floating scripture platforms.
I remember the first time i saw Lara Croft crawl through an inhumanely tight cavity during the early hours of Tomb Raider 2. The camera purposely zoomed straight onto her backside as it shuffled left and right and the whole experience was made all the more erotic by the moaning sounds she made as she traversed the unrealistically long tunnel. The tunnel in question served absolutely no purpose in the game (unless you count a pointless artifact as purpose), aside from making the player feel uncomfortable for lusting after a bunch of carefully placed polygons and a pair of hip-mounted pistols with unlimited ammo. Since then, games featuring outrageously proportioned female protagonists have come and go, but none have managed to capture the beauty and perfection of the female form like Bayonetta has.

Do you like bi-sexual, pistol wielding, black-haired librarian ninja experts in leather jumpsuits? Me too. Look at how she defiantly perches atop that infant angel statue in a union of religion and sexuality never captured before on any medium aside from xbox 360 and Playstation 3. She's not all guns and angels though, the developers spent just as much time on a few other vitals that serve as intriguing interruptions during the quieter moments of the game, of which there are zero.

The first one being her lower back region.
If i was to make an estimate, i'd say the creators of this game spent just as much time creating Bayonetta's backside as they did the entire structure of the game. Time well spent considering i spent so much time watching Bayonetta strut (her walk will soon be emulated on catwalks around the world) around the opening levels that i didn't even notice the amazing architecture surrounding her strut and completely forgot that i was meant to be saving hell from renegade angels and buying weapons from the demonic doppleganger of Samuel L. Jackson's long lost brother from Pulp Fiction while he drops one-liners that would convert a room full of feminist lesbians to his religion of cool.

The other just as important attributes being her hair and her heels, both of which i'm yet to distinguish in terms of awesomeness and convenience.

Some girls like to do their hair before they go out at night or after a shower. That's kind of cool i guess. Bayonetta on the other hand prefers to use her hair for more worthy causes, like morphing it into demonic, restaurant-sized limbs and creatures specifically summoned for the disposal of other demonic creatures. For some reason she turns naked while all of this happens, which is marginally cooler than aforementioned summoning. Bayonetta's choice of footwear is gun-mounted high heels that aren't out yet. When she isn't transforming into a panther or a peacock blackbird, Bayonetta does a-lot of running and jumping. Whilst high heels may not be the most ideal form of footwear for her lifestyle choices, the guns attached to them are more than capable of mutilating any foes that try and interrupt her sexy travels. Fashionistas pay attention, gun-heels are the next must have item to heat up that winter wardrobe.

Bayonetta actually has a storyline. I'm dead serious.
It's true. I didn't notice it myself, but apparently Bayonetta is set in a fictional European city called 'Vigrid' during an inter-dimensional war between 'Paradiso' (heaven), Purgatorio (purgatory) and 'Inferno' (hell). Bayonetta's own past is shrouded in mystery and she has no idea who she is or why she's so attractive and the game is based around uncovering these minor discrepancies. There's a love interest in there somewhere as well but the guy is a total pussy and i wish he'd just leave Bayonetta alone to her devices. I would have been just as satisfied with the game had it not come with a plot and more weapons in it's place but the cut-scenes do serve as a vehicle for high levels of sexual innuendo between Bayonetta and her less attractive nemesis, Jeanne.

Oh, you're still here.
Fine. As i strolled through the winding, cracked path of another golden sanctuary surrounded by exotic flora and ancient architecture, the heavens above shot luminescent rays of sunlight onto the pebbled floor, doves chirped gleefully in the trees above and angelic hymns echoed in the distance, a soft breeze kindly ushered me towards an unfamiliar portal that i was currently unfamiliar with. I remembered that i was Bayonetta and i do what i want so i stepped through the portal and found myself immedieately confronted with a medusa-faced titan the size of the planet i was currently inhibiting, covered sky to ground in an impenetrable ancient stone that i would soon have to penetrate. He had an impressive crown on and was really pissed off at me for some reason and before he even gave an epic speech, his spiky vines of hatred flew towards me at unidentifiable speeds and i knew it was go time. As i dodged his unreasonable onslaught, he produced and then extended what looked like a miniature version of his head attached to his ancient oesophagus with intentions of doing me harm. I had other intentions for this unannounced entry. As i disposed of his spiky friends and their sharp teeth, i slowed down time for a few seconds, jumped onto and sprinted down his stony offspring in slow motion and laid the finishing touches to his face with my swords, guns and hair. As his blood and ancient entrails filled the skies and he apologized for the inconvenience, I was suddenly at peace and totally glad i'd left that fucking boring old garden.

That's right, perfect. Sell your current library and buy it. If you already own it, fuck off, she's mine.


dirtbag/blogbear said...

Chanel already had a shot at it


Me said...

Pun noted. Although Bayonetta's heels are 1000 times more impressive, the Chanel versions are a nice alternative for mortal females.

earlybird said...

yer bayonettas killa

shadowreaper34 said...

most people has call then the next god of war, in my particular case I think more in this game as the next devil may cry, and I have to accept that I really like Bayonetta, she is super hot and that mole in her face and the glasses have mystery that only with Generic Viagra I can solve, is totally ridiculous compare this game with other, the style is so similar but not the same, beside god of war still rule!!

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