Friday, July 31, 2009

Kyle Sandilands: Man or Asshole?

I HATE people that are better off than me. Nothing makes me want to piss and moan more than someone that has more stuff than me, better stuff than me or more and better stuff than me at the same time. I don't care if you deserve it because you worked hard or you're a great person and i don't care if you fell ass backwards into more and better stuff than me through some kind of inheritance or bullshit luck, i'm giving you the stink eye if i think you are better off than me in any way shape or fashion or if you have more and better stuff than me.

New watch? Fuck you.
More chips than me in a value meal? Eat my shit/you don't deserve them.
School holidays? Congratulations, i hope your high school crush goes on holiday and comes back disfigured and you have to make a really awkward decision on whether you like them or not because you'd already told everyone you like them and you'll obviously make the wrong choice because you're still at school and therefore, stupid.

People like this are all around me all the time. I see them at my work, i see them at my house, i see them in my nightmares and until i have everything in the world i'm never going to be fully equipped to defeat them all.
How have i made it this far you ask? Well, it's pretty simple really.

1. Try and have a conversation with someone who has better stuff than you and see how long you go before that person directs the conversation back to his or her stuff or how you should get some of that same stuff.

2. Generally, they'll refer to it at least eight times a sentence. You don't need to count it or anything, just keep the conversation going for as long as possible, paying particular attention to what shit they have and where they keep it. Ask questions like "so how did you feel when you got this stuff?" and "i bet you felt significantly better than everyone else when you got that stuff, right?".

3. By now, your friends should have rolled up and are safely tucked away in some nearby bushes. They are probably wearing commando make-up and some khaki pants. Maintain eye contact with your target whilst also letting your friends know that you're aware of their presence.

4. Drop the signal. This can either be a cheek brush a nose scratch or the word 'NOW' yelled at high volume.

5. Mug that sucker and take all his shit. The act of mugging him will have several positive outcomes. The first being that after he's been mugged he won't have as much shit as he did before, instantly bringing the level of shit that you have up by default. Secondly, you've just opened his mind to the world that exists outside of the shit that he has and he may even start talking about more important stuff, like getting more shit that he doesn't have.

So that's one way you can deal with it. Or you can just tell them to shut the fuck up and talk about something different if they want to continue experiencing your friendship. Both of these methods have had a 100% success rate and have helped me deal with people that find it necessary to have better stuff than me.

Which brings me to a particularly interesting case subject, Kyle Sandilands. For those of you whose asshole detectors are a little stronger than the rest of us, Kyle Sandilands is a radio 'shock-jock' (the word 'jock' fits, not so much 'shock') whose job is to piss people off and do it with absolutely no class, no humour and a complete disregard for the most important aspects of pissing people off. I'm talking of course about stealth, sarcasm and an escape route. His misinterpretation of pissing people off results in some guy on the radio saying offensive things about whatever is cool or in the news to increase his employer's listening audience and demographic.
Kyle Sandilands is married to an FHM model (FHM cover pages being the highest possible accolade an Australian woman can attain if you're a construction worker or the son of a construction worker) he probably has a really nice house and an expensive car and heaps of way better shit than me. He's been on Big Brother (where he spent most of his time slothing about on the couch complaining about his headaches) and has probably met some really insightful Australian celebrities.

His most recent venture was into the realm of 'making fun of rape victims'. Long story short he was doing a very lame segment on a very lame radio station featuring very lame questions about people whose life purpose is to appear on a radio questionnare. Some girl was brought in there by her absolute gremlin of a mother and was forced to answer questions about drugs and sex. Because you know, putting your daughter on blast in front of the whole country is a really healthy and responsible way to learn about your daughter. Way better than just asking her about it.

I haven't heard the sound byte from it nor do i intend on it. I've avoided hearing Kyle and Jackie O's brand of talking for as long as they've been on the air and no rape claim is going to break that. I can only assume that the show was going along as usual with Kyle being insincere and Jackie O pretending to not be into it when the "have you ever had sex" question was thrown out there. After confronting her irresponsible mother about the question she blurted out that she had been raped when she was 12. Not really the kind of subject matter commuters on their way to work want to hear whilst they gorge themselves on sausage n egg mcmuffins and horrible coffee. I imagine the silence was brutal and for a second there, Kyle and Jackie O's collective careers were floating around in the shitter just waiting to be flushed like the disposable radio personalities they are. Australia froze, a nation gasped and Kyle and Jackie O had just contributed to a possible asylum admittance.

Then on the horizon, a glimmer of hope. Something happened in Kyle Sandilands head that has never happened before. A holy light travelled from the thought process department of his brain all the way to his mouth, completely unfiltered. While even the most composed and hilarious of comedians wouldn't have said a thing, Kyle Sandilands was ready to take a stand. He put a career full of irrelevant attacks and bad hairstyles behind him, took a deep breath and asked "Right ... is that the only experience you've had?".


Now until this event, I had never been envious of Kyle Sandilands, nor had i ever wanted to take his shit. To me, he's been abusing his position for a long time and has never reached his full potential as someone that can piss people off on a national level, but if there was a more stealthier and sarcastic response to such a tragic turn of events, i want to know what it is immediately because there isn't one and you'll never find it. It was like a verbal sucker punch to the working public who switched on their radios to hear about other people's misfortunes because that's how a normal person starts their day.
In one fell swoop, Kyle Sandilands took a potentially sombre moment and turned it into his time to shine whilst pissing off 99% of the country. He had successfully used his position of power for what will go down in history as one of the greatest responses in the face of overwhelming controversy and for a split second there i was jealous of Kyle Sandilands and even considered trying to take his shit.

So kudos to you Kyle. This is a formal apology for all the years i've told people i hate you. You redeemed yourself on the 29th of July and i can only hope you experience another flash of consciousness in the near future.

I lol'd.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

How this passes as a post is anyone's guess.

Suck eggs if you're ever looking for a picture of the interior of a Maybach 62' on the internet these days. I found out just then that if you type the words 'Maybach' and 'interior' on google, my fucking bliss website comes up at the number 3 search. Maybach is an international company with a shitload of prestige and dignity and i'm honored that my post is now representing their efforts and hopefully my post about wanting to get run over by one will help their customer base realise just how many out of order signs they'll have to hang from their dicks from all the sex they'll be getting when they buy that particular car and check my particular blog. God knows why there is such a sudden interest in this car now seeing as my post came out almost a while ago, but i'm getting hits from countries i didn't even know existed until they came up on my sitemeter. Poland? What the fuck do they do for a living?

Anyway, this was just a quick inspirational post, now go out and try your best!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Filler post.

It was inevitable that these three jumped on a track together. I downloaded it purely to hear Kanye rapping WITHOUT AUTOTUNE and a new Jay-z verse.
Is this song meant to be epic? Is it going to be one of those songs that people won't shut up about until it's found dead in a ditch out in the Nevada desert with signs of penetration without consent and exposure to indecent exposure?

Of course it is!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Goodbye Mt. Lawley

I leave you with what i was seeing on a regular basis and what i will miss most, local ruffians gathered around a local motive.

Because this talisman of success had supposedly been captured the night prior, during the ceremony it was brought to the tribe's attention that he with his tongue on the trophy essentially had his tongue on one of the other tribesman's lower regions through third party association.
Hilarity ensued and i secretly wished i was 16 again.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Breakfast Blogging.

Q: I am edible, i come in jars of varying capacity and i am capable of transcending race, religion, sex, financial background and general knowledge.

A: What is Vegemite?

Correct. And what is Vegemite exactly?

Some would state that it is simply a yeast based condiment generally applied to toast. Others would state that it is the bane of humanity as we know it, a rancid, stinking entity, the pale horse, the antichrist and not very tasty.

If you were to ask me what Vegemite was, i would tell you that it is life. It was there when you were born, it was there when you said your first words (if i remember correctly, i think my first word was Vegemite), it was there when you took your first steps, it was there when that girl in 6th grade wrote you that love letter comprised of newspaper cut-outs and then broke up with you the next day because you pointed out several basic spelling mistakes but you didn't care because you needed someone intellectual as well as someone that was good with a yo-yo, and it is here right now as i reminisce about it. Yes, without going too far i'd say that i owe my entire life to Vegemite.

Unfortunately, things change. It is one of life's inevitabilities that all the things you love most will eventually transform for one reason or another. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the condiments of our lives.

The release of this new flavour brings forth two dilemmas.

1. If i try this and it tastes like the weathered colon of a middle aged construction worker, will i ever eat vegemite again?

2. If i don't try this, will i die knowing that my life could have changed dramatically had i tried it?

I have this thing right. It's not a crazy thing like not being able to walk under ladders or avoiding the breaking of glass to prolong my existence, it's moreso a thing that compels me to try any new variation of an edible product that i have had previous affiliations with. Be it a chunkier than ever Kit-Kat or a deadlier than ever energy drink, i have to sample it all. It was this thing that forced my hand in the Vegemite dilemma and it is probably this thing that will be the death of me.

I took it home, performed the stations of the cross, ate a full teaspoon of normal vegemite and proceeded to prepare my morning toast as i normally would.

Obviously, the first thing i noticed was the colour. It wasn't black, it was brown. That's right, BROWN vegemite. It's like Hungry Jacks changing their logo to a hotdog or Lady Gaga suddenly becoming talented, you know, the kind of thing you'd really notice. After a few seconds of contemplation i took the first bite and thought about nothing but the taste of the original vegemite. Of course, it ended up tasting like the original vegemite. I wasn't upset, but instead a little relieved that i didn't automatically throw up or die, even though i kind of half-assed the virgin sample. For the second bite i decided to be a little more adventurous and look for this new flavour. I bit down, swished it around like a snooty wine connisseur and suddenly found myself in a world i wasn't familiar with. Yeast and what seemed to be peanuts roamed free through vast fields of tastebuds, tickling them as they brushed past with a carefree spirit seldom seen in such a young partnership. As they arrived at their digestive destination and disappeared like so many before them, i was overcome with a light sense of excitement and a yearning for more of the things i didn't understand.

Basically, it's pretty damn tasty. My initial fear had faded and i contently sat there and ate the remaining slice, pausing every couple of bites to examine it like a lion does it's freshly slaughtered prey. I refrained from any extra slices through fear of saturation and i'll be sure to continue testing later on to confirm my findings.

Possible names for the new Vegemite.

- Edgymite (to suggest it's fresh new angle)
- Newmite (similar to Promite and Marmite only better tasting)
- Nuttermite (to symbolise the relationship between nuts, butter and Vegemite)
- I can't believe it's Vegemite! (super clever play on another famous brand name)
- Supermite, Turbomite, Megamite, Ultramite (people tend to feel safe when they see these adjectives)
- "Let me upgrade you" (associating it with a Beyonce song will appeal to the younger crowd)
- Buttsauce (nothing fancy here, just the words 'butt' and 'sauce' linked together in hilarious harmony)

Any other suggestions are welcome as long as they aren't better than mine.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

No not you, the others.

I watched The Others starring Nicole Kidman last night and it scared the shit out of me. Nicole Kidman plays a ghost that doesn't know she's a ghost or that she killed her children whom are also ghosts. It was set in a mansion in New Jersey and it was bewilderment awesome. There's this one scene in the film where Nicole Kidman lays down on some super dewy pastures and this F 20000 fighter jet mistakes her forehead for a landing strip and actually pulls off the landing! The pilot jumps out of his stealth jet and is all, "whoa, how do you spell woah!?" and Nicole's all "doesn't matter yo, gtf off my forehead ahole" but because she's a ghost the pilot can't hear her and starts macking out with her and she's all "omg your such a great ghost kisser!" and he's like "damn shorty, i'm a ghost as well" and then they go upstairs and the kids are having the most engaging and intellectual conversation ever and the son looks about 40 but he's actually 4 and Nicole Kidman and the pilot announce their love for eachother and they all try and hug but they fall through eachother (they're see through) and then they all stand next to eachother and look out the window and there's kind of a symbolic reflection of trees in the window but you can only just see it. Anyway, the camera pans back for about 7 or 8 minutes and it's the most epic pan you've ever seen. You could cook about 10 sea bass on this pan it's so big that's what i'm talking about. But the problem is the daughter (who is a complete fuckshit) won't have it and presses charges on Nicole for a beating because this one time Nicole walked into the room and was stoned out of her brain from these crazy pills that the other ghosts gave her and just started slapping the daughter around like Roy Jones Junior because she thought her daughter had turned into an old lady with bad eyesight! But the daughter was normal the whole time!

It was such a kick ass movie! Spoiler alert!!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Real people with real problems.

I had the street fighter one growing up. Mine was more fireball based than the death scene re-enactment complex you see in the video.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Thunderbox issues.

I gave myself the scare of a lifetime the other day. I'll spare you the intricate details but it involved number two's, a toilet and a sudden strike of shock that could have paralyzed a grown man and permanently disabled a small child. The kind of fear where you know that you're going to be ok but you also know that you're possibly completely fucked. If i could compare it to something..............actually, i'm over metaphors for the time being.

Moral of the story:
NEVER buy graphic based toilet paper, particularly graphics that feature the colour red. Blood is fine if you're aware of it's presence and the process that dictated it's release, i have no qualms with that scenario. However, it's not so fine when you are:
a) Pissing it out.
b) Doing number two's.

To avoid any scares, always buy white. If you are in the market for a graphic or 'pro' paper, ask your local shop assistant if you can get a look at a full roll. Light hues of blue and green are fine and i recommend something eucalypt or paw print related. The one that made me think i was shitting blood had these little bears on it and he has a red coat or red wellingtons. I obviously didn't get a proper look at the time and have since refused to even be in the same room as it.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Understanding Kanye's genius: A play by play analysis of the 'Best i ever had' video.

I think i'm one of the only people in the world that has a genuine disposition to music film clips. I don't like watching them and i loathe people approaching me and asking if i've seen the latest clip to so and so's latest song because i feel like an absolute asshole. Some of them will even go out of their way to make me feel like an asshole for not being up on the latest hot music videos.

Person: "Hey man have you seen the clip to that new song everyone's talking about and has already seen?"

Me: "Nah, i haven't had a chance to check it out yet. I don't watch t.v. all that much and xbox live doesn't have a music channel yet".


Me: "I don't understand, you got a memo from under a rock?"


I've tried to explain it to people that if i've already heard a song x amount of times, i don't really want to sit through a film clip and be forced to hear the song again because there's some totally high definition poetry never seen before genius imagery playing over the top. I get it, people use film clips to advertise technological advancements, products, failing celebrities and in some cases, the artist.
Question: What if the film clip is a stinker? You think i'm going to want to listen to that song again?
How does no sound? Sounds good right?

So i'm doing my usual internet rounds late last night and i notice that Drake's film clip for that song everyone is talking about/soon will be talking about, 'Best i ever had', has been released. The song has actually been out for over six months, was released on a mixtape by the guy that played Wheelchair Jimmy on the original Degrassi High and is blatantly aimed at girls who consider themselves the best anyone has ever had, even if they might not be.

I've been following Drake's (the name of the artist in question should you reside in rock town) career for around a year now solely because of his feature on an amazing Lil Wayne track called 'Ransom'. Drake's verse outshines Lil Wayne's in terms of actual rhyming, delivery and general coherency by about half a mile and it was from that point on that i started regularly checking for his music. He released three stellar mixtapes showcasing his ability as a rapper and also a formidable singer and quickly became the mainstream rap industry's number one son and the wet dream of every major label in the game (after a bidding war between Warner, Universal and Atlantic, Drake signed to Lil Wayne's Young Money label for a respectable $8 million dollars, despite refusing offers of $10 million plus from the others).

That's not even the point of this post though. As mentioned prior, the film clip for Drake's first official single was made public last night and was directed by the one and only Kanye West, who is famous for being on South Park, releasing a metric tonne of good music and then spoiling it with an auto-tune laden turd-fest and also dating one of the most desirable women in the world. Kanye is also a self-proclaimed genius and has recently been trying his hand at directing directional film clips that highlight afformentioned genius. Due to my unfathomable hatred of watching music videos i haven't seen any of his previous work but i can only sit back and assume that it's the same high budget baloney that everyone else with a 'vision' is putting out.

So here it is anyway, the film clip that sent the internet absolutely bonkers last night:

What'd you think lads? You like Drake now? Did Kanye's direction give you an erection? Of course it did! He's a genius right?

Well, not really.
If this is what genius is then remind me never to become one myself, because i'm almost there already.

Making an overtly sexual, moodily lit screenplay with a terrible plot and a subliminal message that only 2% of the viewing public will understand is not genius. It's the product of a man out to prove the world that he isn't gay with a hint of Drake's career make-or-break thrown in as an after thought.

A genius would have used this opportunity to prove to the world that he is in fact a genius and he would use the most currently popular artist in his field of expertise as a vehicle to do so. We should have seen A-list actors instead of unknown rapper cameos (apart from Fabolous, Loso's Way coming soon!), an engaging and touching plot instead of a d-grade women's college basketball game and we would have seen substance instead of scantily clad video vixens whose collective knockers got more air time than Drake himself and anyone else that featured in the video, including the women to whom the knockers belonged to.

I mean sure, throw some jugs in a new artist's sophomore release to appeal to the male audience, everyone does it and it is a tried and tested formula. You think Nelly would be the star that he is today had ne not done the same? It's common knowledge that sex sells but the main problem here is that Drake's predominantly female fan base won't buy what Drake and Kanye are trying to sell here. Men don't buy cd's, they steal them. It's the women that get all antsy when this song plays and it's the women that will be lining up when Drake's album drops late this year/early next year/whenever the hell it decides to drop. Unfortunately, it's going to take an ignorance epidemic of global proportions for Drake's female fan base to see this clip as a reason to purchase his music.

I could be wrong, but that's never happened before. Here's why:

So here we are at the start of the game. All's well and innocent enough, you've got your banner and your sparkles and your Kanye mood lighting in there. Pretty innocent opening scene right?

Uh-oh. Male interest rises 30000% at this point in time. The women haven't computed what's about to happen yet.

BANG! Instant boners for any men watching the proceedings and a shitload of rolled eyes from any females doing the same. At this point in time it's forgivable though, this is how every rap film clip starts out.

Out rolls Mr. Dreamy McDreamstein r&b rap superstar and his team's mascot. Boners fall like roman empires, female interest rises and things even out for a little while.

In case you weren't aware, there's a guy out there named 'Coach Drake'. He has his name on the door and everything. This is supposedly where Coach Drake masterminds his team plays. The men's interest has been reinstated because sports and coaches are awesome and the women are still all hot and flustered from the Drake snippet earlier on.

This happens. Apparently this happens a-lot in Kanye's vision of a Women's basketball league. The men are going crazy at this point in time, running around in circles not knowing what to do with themselves. The women are ready to boycott any Drake related purchases/downloads in the near future.

The ladies get another precious few seconds with Drake and they fall in love with him again. I'm not sure what he's doing here, possibly going over the cup sizes of his players. The men see a sports reference and praise Kanye West for uniting the only two things they care about.

This girl features heavily throughout the clip. Drake is probably dating her or at least smashed on set. This is the most brief of her appearances and neither the men or women even notice it.

Drake has checked the same play about nine times now. You'd think his team would stand a chance the way he's pouring over that gameplan.

Drake presents the new uniform to his favourite player. She's genuinely stoked on it and doesn't once question the size, shape, colour or whoreishness of the uniform. Drake checks that play again to make sure it hasn't changed since the last time he looked at it.

This is the only scene that displays any form of genius. Animal mascots performing forward somersault dunks is one of the most beautiful things we have on this Earth. I shed a tear at this point in time and thank Kanye for including such a precious occurrence.

Here's two girls in a stairwell. The girl on the left is performing the stations of the cross and the other one is holding one of her breasts. Both the male and female audience can relate to this, it combines religion and contemplation in one of the most important scenes of the video. Powerful stuff.

Behold! The first white girl makes an appearance!

And there she goes again. It was a brief appearance but the male and female audience agree that it's nice Kanye included some white people in the clip as well.

Note: This is what a women's basketball team looks like according to a genius.

Note: This is what they look like in real life. Kanye went all out with the contrasting in this one.

Fabolous makes a cameo and I get extremely excited that his new album is being released soon. He's the only one that looked at the camera throughout the entire video, possibly to promote his new album.

Consequence also makes a cameo. In this scene he's really dissapointed with the way Drake's team is playing and is considering dissing him on a nearby blog.

The 'ugly' team show-up. The men don't have time for this, they know what they came to see and this isn't it. The women like the fact that they included some real girls and forgives Kanye for the last minute and a half of the clip.

One of the hot girls reacts like this to the ugly team. "Oh my god! They're so......real!"

This scene is amazing. The expression on the referee's face is priceless and another brief glimpse into the genius Kanye claims to possess. It almost says "i've had enough of this, who are all these people anyway? I wish i could just ref a good game of women's basketball but while i'm on camera i may as well pull this face to show my casting agent that i'm versatile".

Drake's team is getting absolutely rinsed.

Possibly because they spent too much time doing this. The women viewers are so filled with confused rage at this point in time that their waters break. I know that's not even possible but imagine if that actually happened?

Drake makes another appearance. He's had about 8 seconds of total screen time thus far. Not bad for your first major release directed by Kanye West huh? Nobody is watching the clip at this point in time. The men, having previously made an impromptu trip to the nearest bathroom are nowhere to be seen now and the women are huddled up in a corner somewhere convincing themselves that Drake isn't normally like this and it's all Kanye's fault.

This girl takes a shot. The audience at the game watch in anticipation. This confuses me because unless that shot is worth around seventy points, it's completely pointless.

Lucky this girl is around to lay the Mutombo hand of justice down. Seriously, this was one of the best rejections i have ever seen and another high point for the video.

Drake is piiiiiiissed. No surprises there either. His new outfits didn't work, his team got their asses handed to them and his debut video is receiving harsh reviews from 90% of the people that layed gaze upon it's genius. Kanye West is nowhere to be seen, possibly eating fishsticks at a nearby corner store.

And there you have it people. You won't hear another word from me about Drake and his career from this point onwards. I will continue to support him because aside from this straight-to-radio pop single, Drake has a-lot of potential as a rapper and he's made some damn good music in the last year or so.