Friday, July 31, 2009

Kyle Sandilands: Man or Asshole?

I HATE people that are better off than me. Nothing makes me want to piss and moan more than someone that has more stuff than me, better stuff than me or more and better stuff than me at the same time. I don't care if you deserve it because you worked hard or you're a great person and i don't care if you fell ass backwards into more and better stuff than me through some kind of inheritance or bullshit luck, i'm giving you the stink eye if i think you are better off than me in any way shape or fashion or if you have more and better stuff than me.

New watch? Fuck you.
More chips than me in a value meal? Eat my shit/you don't deserve them.
School holidays? Congratulations, i hope your high school crush goes on holiday and comes back disfigured and you have to make a really awkward decision on whether you like them or not because you'd already told everyone you like them and you'll obviously make the wrong choice because you're still at school and therefore, stupid.

People like this are all around me all the time. I see them at my work, i see them at my house, i see them in my nightmares and until i have everything in the world i'm never going to be fully equipped to defeat them all.
How have i made it this far you ask? Well, it's pretty simple really.

1. Try and have a conversation with someone who has better stuff than you and see how long you go before that person directs the conversation back to his or her stuff or how you should get some of that same stuff.

2. Generally, they'll refer to it at least eight times a sentence. You don't need to count it or anything, just keep the conversation going for as long as possible, paying particular attention to what shit they have and where they keep it. Ask questions like "so how did you feel when you got this stuff?" and "i bet you felt significantly better than everyone else when you got that stuff, right?".

3. By now, your friends should have rolled up and are safely tucked away in some nearby bushes. They are probably wearing commando make-up and some khaki pants. Maintain eye contact with your target whilst also letting your friends know that you're aware of their presence.

4. Drop the signal. This can either be a cheek brush a nose scratch or the word 'NOW' yelled at high volume.

5. Mug that sucker and take all his shit. The act of mugging him will have several positive outcomes. The first being that after he's been mugged he won't have as much shit as he did before, instantly bringing the level of shit that you have up by default. Secondly, you've just opened his mind to the world that exists outside of the shit that he has and he may even start talking about more important stuff, like getting more shit that he doesn't have.

So that's one way you can deal with it. Or you can just tell them to shut the fuck up and talk about something different if they want to continue experiencing your friendship. Both of these methods have had a 100% success rate and have helped me deal with people that find it necessary to have better stuff than me.

Which brings me to a particularly interesting case subject, Kyle Sandilands. For those of you whose asshole detectors are a little stronger than the rest of us, Kyle Sandilands is a radio 'shock-jock' (the word 'jock' fits, not so much 'shock') whose job is to piss people off and do it with absolutely no class, no humour and a complete disregard for the most important aspects of pissing people off. I'm talking of course about stealth, sarcasm and an escape route. His misinterpretation of pissing people off results in some guy on the radio saying offensive things about whatever is cool or in the news to increase his employer's listening audience and demographic.
Kyle Sandilands is married to an FHM model (FHM cover pages being the highest possible accolade an Australian woman can attain if you're a construction worker or the son of a construction worker) he probably has a really nice house and an expensive car and heaps of way better shit than me. He's been on Big Brother (where he spent most of his time slothing about on the couch complaining about his headaches) and has probably met some really insightful Australian celebrities.

His most recent venture was into the realm of 'making fun of rape victims'. Long story short he was doing a very lame segment on a very lame radio station featuring very lame questions about people whose life purpose is to appear on a radio questionnare. Some girl was brought in there by her absolute gremlin of a mother and was forced to answer questions about drugs and sex. Because you know, putting your daughter on blast in front of the whole country is a really healthy and responsible way to learn about your daughter. Way better than just asking her about it.

I haven't heard the sound byte from it nor do i intend on it. I've avoided hearing Kyle and Jackie O's brand of talking for as long as they've been on the air and no rape claim is going to break that. I can only assume that the show was going along as usual with Kyle being insincere and Jackie O pretending to not be into it when the "have you ever had sex" question was thrown out there. After confronting her irresponsible mother about the question she blurted out that she had been raped when she was 12. Not really the kind of subject matter commuters on their way to work want to hear whilst they gorge themselves on sausage n egg mcmuffins and horrible coffee. I imagine the silence was brutal and for a second there, Kyle and Jackie O's collective careers were floating around in the shitter just waiting to be flushed like the disposable radio personalities they are. Australia froze, a nation gasped and Kyle and Jackie O had just contributed to a possible asylum admittance.

Then on the horizon, a glimmer of hope. Something happened in Kyle Sandilands head that has never happened before. A holy light travelled from the thought process department of his brain all the way to his mouth, completely unfiltered. While even the most composed and hilarious of comedians wouldn't have said a thing, Kyle Sandilands was ready to take a stand. He put a career full of irrelevant attacks and bad hairstyles behind him, took a deep breath and asked "Right ... is that the only experience you've had?".


Now until this event, I had never been envious of Kyle Sandilands, nor had i ever wanted to take his shit. To me, he's been abusing his position for a long time and has never reached his full potential as someone that can piss people off on a national level, but if there was a more stealthier and sarcastic response to such a tragic turn of events, i want to know what it is immediately because there isn't one and you'll never find it. It was like a verbal sucker punch to the working public who switched on their radios to hear about other people's misfortunes because that's how a normal person starts their day.
In one fell swoop, Kyle Sandilands took a potentially sombre moment and turned it into his time to shine whilst pissing off 99% of the country. He had successfully used his position of power for what will go down in history as one of the greatest responses in the face of overwhelming controversy and for a split second there i was jealous of Kyle Sandilands and even considered trying to take his shit.

So kudos to you Kyle. This is a formal apology for all the years i've told people i hate you. You redeemed yourself on the 29th of July and i can only hope you experience another flash of consciousness in the near future.

I lol'd.

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