Saturday, July 18, 2009

Breakfast Blogging.

Q: I am edible, i come in jars of varying capacity and i am capable of transcending race, religion, sex, financial background and general knowledge.

A: What is Vegemite?

Correct. And what is Vegemite exactly?

Some would state that it is simply a yeast based condiment generally applied to toast. Others would state that it is the bane of humanity as we know it, a rancid, stinking entity, the pale horse, the antichrist and not very tasty.

If you were to ask me what Vegemite was, i would tell you that it is life. It was there when you were born, it was there when you said your first words (if i remember correctly, i think my first word was Vegemite), it was there when you took your first steps, it was there when that girl in 6th grade wrote you that love letter comprised of newspaper cut-outs and then broke up with you the next day because you pointed out several basic spelling mistakes but you didn't care because you needed someone intellectual as well as someone that was good with a yo-yo, and it is here right now as i reminisce about it. Yes, without going too far i'd say that i owe my entire life to Vegemite.

Unfortunately, things change. It is one of life's inevitabilities that all the things you love most will eventually transform for one reason or another. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the condiments of our lives.

The release of this new flavour brings forth two dilemmas.

1. If i try this and it tastes like the weathered colon of a middle aged construction worker, will i ever eat vegemite again?

2. If i don't try this, will i die knowing that my life could have changed dramatically had i tried it?

I have this thing right. It's not a crazy thing like not being able to walk under ladders or avoiding the breaking of glass to prolong my existence, it's moreso a thing that compels me to try any new variation of an edible product that i have had previous affiliations with. Be it a chunkier than ever Kit-Kat or a deadlier than ever energy drink, i have to sample it all. It was this thing that forced my hand in the Vegemite dilemma and it is probably this thing that will be the death of me.

I took it home, performed the stations of the cross, ate a full teaspoon of normal vegemite and proceeded to prepare my morning toast as i normally would.

Obviously, the first thing i noticed was the colour. It wasn't black, it was brown. That's right, BROWN vegemite. It's like Hungry Jacks changing their logo to a hotdog or Lady Gaga suddenly becoming talented, you know, the kind of thing you'd really notice. After a few seconds of contemplation i took the first bite and thought about nothing but the taste of the original vegemite. Of course, it ended up tasting like the original vegemite. I wasn't upset, but instead a little relieved that i didn't automatically throw up or die, even though i kind of half-assed the virgin sample. For the second bite i decided to be a little more adventurous and look for this new flavour. I bit down, swished it around like a snooty wine connisseur and suddenly found myself in a world i wasn't familiar with. Yeast and what seemed to be peanuts roamed free through vast fields of tastebuds, tickling them as they brushed past with a carefree spirit seldom seen in such a young partnership. As they arrived at their digestive destination and disappeared like so many before them, i was overcome with a light sense of excitement and a yearning for more of the things i didn't understand.

Basically, it's pretty damn tasty. My initial fear had faded and i contently sat there and ate the remaining slice, pausing every couple of bites to examine it like a lion does it's freshly slaughtered prey. I refrained from any extra slices through fear of saturation and i'll be sure to continue testing later on to confirm my findings.

Possible names for the new Vegemite.

- Edgymite (to suggest it's fresh new angle)
- Newmite (similar to Promite and Marmite only better tasting)
- Nuttermite (to symbolise the relationship between nuts, butter and Vegemite)
- I can't believe it's Vegemite! (super clever play on another famous brand name)
- Supermite, Turbomite, Megamite, Ultramite (people tend to feel safe when they see these adjectives)
- "Let me upgrade you" (associating it with a Beyonce song will appeal to the younger crowd)
- Buttsauce (nothing fancy here, just the words 'butt' and 'sauce' linked together in hilarious harmony)

Any other suggestions are welcome as long as they aren't better than mine.


Annik said...


Anonymous said...

I agree completely I couldn't stop at one slice. I love it!

Melissa said...

I love it. And it's not nuts, it's cream cheese. Hence the new name should be... drumroll... Cheeseymite. Simple. Effective. Delicious! I only stumbled across your blog today and have found myself pleasantly amused by your antics.