Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Where'd you get that shirt? An Elia Kazan set wardrobe?

Oh my god i was in Planet Video last night and i encountered what shall forever remain as the most arrogant, self-obsessed, nerdy, pseudo-discerning, slightly-alternative-but-before-alternative-was-cool group of arts & film major cinema buffs i have ever eavesdropped on. There was four of them and if you were ever to make an independent film where a group of people stand in the new release section loudly stating their opinions on the state of movie direction and how David Lynch is overrated, these four people would not only star in it, but also direct it and then rip it to shreds after it's preview out the front of the Boston Independent film festival whilst smoking an entire pack of Camel brand cigarettes.

First, you had the leader of the pack, who was a tall, lanky male with a huge adam's apple and scruffy hair. He was wearing one of those retro t-shirts with an old hi-8 logo to display his affection for a time when movies were made in French with passion and didn't come with subtitles. Oh yeah, his shirt wasn't retro, it was actually from 1989.
Standing next to the leader was his sidekick, a Ferris Bueller rip off in a striped shirt, neat quiff and shitloads of acne. He probably had pants on as well, i was just too angry to look at the time. The sidekick didn't say much, possibly due to the fact that in between nodding his head and dropping the occasional Virginie Despentes quote, he had the leader's dick and balls firmly clamped inside his mouth.
If i'd kindly look to the right, i might just notice a girl. Conventionally, a girl wouldn't normally be accepted into such an esteemed and potentially homosexual group of art-house movie critics, but this particular female specimen had obviously become a member as part of an initiative by the group to avoid the tacky 'bromance' tag that had plagued them on their daily outings between the time a post Clueless Paul Rudd became popular and the present. This girl wore glasses, a red knit jumper, faded jeans and bootleg Doc Martens. She had no problem deflecting the obvious testosterone flying around during their debate over which modern actress would have made a suitable replacement for Lilian Gish in D.D.W Griffith's controversial Birth of a Nation. She also did this whilst simultaneously not wanting to have sex with a single member of her group.

There was another guy there as well, he had orange hair and if it's even possible, was the loser of the group. Everything he said was instantly dispelled by the leader of the group and then reinforced by the sidekick and the girl with glasses. The only reason he hangs out with them is because the false sense of belonging takes his mind off his numerous failed suicide attempts due to him not actually wanting to die until Avatar comes out. Wanting to see the obscenely over-hyped and mainstream Avatar is another reason he is shunned by his peers.

These four had no intention of actually renting anything out and were content just standing in the middle of the New Release section, loudly discussing shit foreign movies that nobody had ever heard of or cared about. I can tell they've done this before. They know they're more suited to the festival section of the video store but the New Release section gets a-lot more traffic and they're more likely to be heard by the general public and therfore, less understood than before. It was this kind of anti-attention seeking backwards logic that forced me to pick up the nearest copy of Watchmen and pretend to read the back whilst i listened in on their stimulating rhetoric.

Adam's Apple - Oh my god Silas, could you stand any closer to that Transformers cover? I don't think Frank Weller has completely revolved in his grave yet.

Sidekick - Yeah Silas, what are you trying to do? Be one of the people?

Red Jumper - *flicks hair* *rolls eyes* That's so cute Silas, of all the fine cinema featured in the New Release section, you choose Megan Fox and Michael Bay. *rolls eyes*

Orange hair - Sorry guys, i was actually standing here as a protest. Like standing in front of it symbolizes my rebel against it and will hopefully drive people away from supporting Steven Spielberg.

*Young man brushes past the group, grabs Transformers and says "Awesome"*

Adam's Apple - Yeah, nice protest Silas. Who are you? Nicholas Ray?

Sidekick - More like Nicholas Gay! *looks around*

Adam's Apple - *rolls eyes* Christian, that low brow humor reminds me of the ironic Will Ferrell craze of 2006-2007. Don't be a miscreant.

Sidekick - I know, i had a total moment of mainstream just then.

Orange Hair - So, what do you guys want to get out? I haven't seen Sophie's Choice for a while?

Red Jumper - *rolls eyes* *flicks hair* "Between the innocent, the romantic, the sensual, and the unthinkable. There are still some things we have yet to imagine". *rolls eyes*

Adam's Apple - Thank you Melody. *rolls eyes* Silas for god's sake, If you open your mouth to only display complete ignorance and a lack of film knowledge one more time, i'm going to start an online petition to have you banned from every film network on the world wide web. *looks around*

Sidekick - Forget it Donny! You're out of your element!

Adam's Apple - *Looks around* Really Christian? A Big Lebowski quote? Where are we? Video Ezy?

Red Jumper - *rolls eyes* *adjusts glasses* *rolls eyes* *looks around* *flicks hair* *has a seizure* *looks around*

I know Planet Video/Planet Books is a great place for the university students and hessian bag carrying population of the greater Mt. Lawley area to showcase their intellects and allergy to anything mainstream, but if i have to wilfuly go through anything slightly reminiscent of the above verbal exchange during a trip to the video store again, i'm going to decapitate everyone in sight with Leslie Nielsen's entire catalogue.

I came to get a movie out, not be kept up to date on how fucking lame you are.




faceface said...

Fucking hipsters. I have no use for planet video. Planet books however, I like, if I can manage to ignore every single person in there.

Me said...

These people would've been considered hipsters in the mid to late 80's. Now they're just nerds.

Joel said...

This is the best post I've read so far. 9/10

Michelle said...

I too would have joined you in the decapitation, but not before vomitting all over them. Some people make me sick.

Alice said...

MADE.... MY .... Afternoon.