Monday, November 16, 2009

Was Charles Wooley flirting with Robert Pattinson?

I was making this amazing pasta the other night and was totally in a groove similar to that of a certain Emperor whilst he figured out how to get it back. I had the sauce on simmer, the fettucine on smash and the vibe in the kitchen was that of a somewhat chilled out entertainer. As i applied the finishing touches to my pièce de résistance, i was stopped dead in my tracks by what sounded like shrieking teenage girls coming from the living room. Not the kind of shrieks that you ignore because it's probably just stupid girls being scared of stupid spiders, but moreso the kind of shrieks that cause a man to abandon whatever it is he is doing to fight for justice and potential bravery accolades in the form of medals and/or trophies. I immediately dropped the prosciutto, ran into the living room and was ready to eradicate whatever it was that was threatening my girlfriend and my housemate's girlfriend when, to my embarassment, i'm greeted by a much less threatening scene. The girls weren't screaming because some pedophile, rapist, kitten-torturing madman had jumped through the window to wave his willy at them, they were screaming because a preview of Robert Pattinson's interview with 60 minutes had just aired and i only had about five minutes to get as far away from the television as possible. I slowly turned around and headed back to the kitchen, red with embarassment and the realization that i may in fact, not be receiving any bravery accolades any time soon.

I've always been a fan of Charles' gentle yet firm brand of journalism. He always seems to ask the most important questions and constantly has me sitting there in awe, screaming "THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE ASKED HIM!". If someone is awesome, he interviews them awesome, if someone is a bag of shit, he'll throw bags of shit at them and make them look as uneducated and stinky as possible, almost to the point where that person will never return to Australia, or if they're already an Australian citizen, to leave Australia as soon as possible. He is basically the foreign affairs minister specializing in rich celebrity douchebags.

As a result of this admiration i was a little intrigued as to how he'd go about interviewing the biggest celebrity in the world and the one man responsible for tarnishing the vampire's otherwise deadly and irreproachable image. Will he publicly sandbag him because he feels the same way i do about vampires? Or will he suckle at his nuts like a fanboy in overdrive?
Truth is, he didn't really do either. I was personally a little surprised at Charles' approach this time round and maybe it's just me, but it looked like he was only asking those questions to make conversation with Robert, get him nice and comfortable and eventually ask him out on a date.

See the transcript for yourselves, I've highlighted the parts i found to be most suspect.

CHARLES WOOLEY: You had been, at one stage, a teenage model?

CHARLES WOOLEY: So you were trying to trade on your good looks?

CHARLES WOOLEY: You could see this as a metaphor for something else, getting serious here.

CHARLES WOOLEY: Even Tom Cruise has had a bite at it, turning Brad Pitt into a member of the dark fellowship.

CHARLES WOOLEY: I kept saying, "Go for this guy,".

CHARLES WOOLEY: You're nicely diffident, though. It's an English thing, isn't it?

CHARLES WOOLEY: Please Robert, bite me on the neck?

CHARLES WOOLEY: A nice young man.

C'mon Charles! As i watched on i kept expecting Robert to suddenly be in a skirt with no panties, seductively crossing and re-crossing his legs to gain Charles' favour and more admiration from his fans. Then i realized that happened in Basic Instinct and thank god i didn't just whip that scenario up out of nowhere.

Here are some pictures.

After being confronted with this imagery for a few minutes i had to leave the room. I'm not saying i don't respect Charles Wooley anymore, i'm just saying he lost his shit for this particular interview. A man of such esteem should never let himself be charmed by some english runabout movie star/teen model, no matter how much his skin shimmers in the sunlight. The only way i see Charles redeeming himself after this particular incident is by interviewing the more important members of the 'Twilight' cast, namely this girl.

Get em' Wooley!


faceface said...

Recently I had a dream that I was sitting in a swimming pool at a desk and sitting next to me was Robert Pattinson. I talked to him and he was a nice guy and I asked him what I thought was a very good question and received an interesting answer but I couldn't remember any of it when I woke up.

I wish I had better dreams.

Me said...

Let me clear something up here. You were sitting at a desk in a swimming pool?

And you wish you had BETTER dreams?

DemonCashew said...

I had a dream I was shot in the arm by a sniper and friends and family left me to bleed to death.

faceface said...

Well yes a better dream would include someone I WANT to dream about, not Robert Pattinson. I once had a dream about Bernard Black, I need more of those.

Me said...

DemonCashew, that's a pretty shitty dream. What kind of asshole sniper hits someone in the arm?

krakha said...

wow, that vampire shit has even made it onto 60 minutes. 60m gets more and more like ACA every week. I dont care for this teen craze shit, but teen's do, so i guess it has a place. somewhere. The Tv execs should find a place more fitting than 60 minutes in my opinion. ACA? Saturday Disney? ET? Yo Gabba Gabba? dunno... I nearly fell out my beanbag the other night when I saw (what was basically an ad for) 2012 as one of lead stories on Nine News. Is it just me or does the line between, entertainment, news and advertising get more and more blurry each day. I know the answer is to turn the telly off. just sayin'

Me said...

Krakha, i couldn't agree more. I remember a time when there was only one bin to take out on Monday morning, news was relevant and Molly Meldrum was the only male on television allowed to discuss pop culture and buttsex.

Now i have to take three bins out on Tuesday and Charles Wooley is getting visible erections around Robert Pattinson. Things done changed.

krakha said...

hahahaaaa. fuckin bins.