I first saw Donnie Darko in 2005 after having it recommended to me about infinity people in the space of a year or so. It was one of those films that everyone talks about three years after it came out as if it had just been released, much to the dismay of it's original purists. Because i don't trust anyone's opinion but my own, i had a colleague at Brumby's explain the plot to me because he seemed kind of switched on and also snorted dexies through a biro before each shift, which i thought was awesome and ahead of it's time. He did his best to explain the plot to me, touching on subjects like the ramifications of time travel, puberty and the end of the world and i was pretty impressed up until the point he mentioned the giant bunny rabbit. How could he mention all that cool shit and then try and close the deal with a giant bunny rabbit?
I pictured this and it pretty much shot all chances of me seeing the movie for another six months:
Six months later, i was given a chance meeting with the film and decided to sit down and watch it to see what everyone was whining about. By the time the credits rolled i was amazed by two things:
1. The film 2. How adept i had become in the realms of ignorance and procrastination at such a young age.
Donnie Darko had this weird way of making you think the movie was made for you only. Like it was letting you in on some big secret that no-one knew about until you stepped outside and every Tom, Dick and Leslie was treating it like an entry-level film buff certificate. Some people took their appreciation to scary levels and others simply agreed that it was a well made film with a few excusable plot holes.
Now, as much as i enjoyed the film and never wanted to see or hear about a sequel that would no doubt tarnish it's cult status, i secretly wanted to see a sequel out of curiosity. How would they do it? Would it be a totally new story or continue on from the events of Middlesex? Can i be in it or at least co-produce it? Unfortunately, i had all these questions answered this morning and without punching a hole in my monitor, i can say i wanted to punch a hole in my monitor.
See for yourself:
I mean, is this what the original movie looked like when it was previewed? A bunch of teens spouting hideous one liners and throwing fireballs around? Since when could Samantha Darko throw fireballs? Why is there some spray-tanned asshole running around with a vortex coming out of his stomach? I thought Donnie was the only one that could manipulate time? How come that cop looked like an extra from Not Another Teen Movie? How come that whole preview looked like Not Another Teen Movie? Why was Jean Grae in it? Jean Grae wasn't in the original, why is she flying about in the sequel? How come the numbers that made the movie so famous in the first place have been replaced with less significant numbers? Why is there an actor from Twilight in this movie? I thought he couldn't act and was banned from playing in anything but infomercials and free to air mini-series'? Why is there a character called 'Iraq Jack'?
I don't even know why i'm surprised at this. In classic hybrid sequel fashion, the movie has been absolutely butchered and is essentially a remake of the original featuring a bunch of ailing teen actors trying to get their short-lived careers of the ground so they can avoid facing the awkward reality that they can't act and they've wasted a good portion of their life trying to do so. Apparently S. Darko is stinking up dvd shelves in the states right now so we should have the answers in early 2012.
When i first saw this image i thought to myself "what a fucking champion, he just got his shit ruined by a shark and he's walking around in the whitewash like it doesn't even matter. Kudos to you shark victim, kudos".
All compliments were then swiftly retracted when i found out that it's just some Douchey Mcdouchenstein's idea of cutting edge wetsuit fashion.
"With custom inks and unique printing techniques, I was able to map textures onto the suits to create original designs that evoke the mysteries of the seas". Diddo Velema - Cutting edge wetsuit designer.
Mysteries of the seas? What's so mysterious about getting mauled by a fucking shark?
Dude A: "Man, did you hear about Jimmy getting attacked by that Great White?"
Dude B: "Yeah apparantly he was surfing in shark infested waters and this shark came out of nowhere and bit his dick off and some of his arm".
Dude A: Duude, that's so mysterious. I wonder how it happened?"
If you wanted to "evoke the mysteries of the seas" you should have put a fucking loch ness monster or some kind of totally sweet and/or hot mermaid on it. The only way anyone could benefit from this is if the guy wearing it actually does get attacked by a gang of sharks and no-one helps him because that's what his wetsuit looks like anyway and then he dies and everyone laughs about the irony.
I was waiting to see how the hunchback of Notre Dope would fare in the now famous battle at the berrics and not surprisingly, i was disappointed. Whenever i watch Stefan Janoski skate i picture him with one of those little night caps and a candle on a dish on his way to bed. He puts absolutely no effort into anything he does whilst managing to look 1000% better than anyone else on a skateboard. Unfortunately though, this was no exception and if i had room full of Stefan Janoski posters i'd rip at least one of them down.
I gave myself the scare of a lifetime the other day. I'll spare you the intricate details but it involved number two's, a toilet and a sudden strike of shock that could have paralyzed a grown man and permanently disabled a small child. The kind of fear where you know that you're going to be ok but you also know that you're possibly completely fucked. If i could compare it to something..............actually, i'm over metaphors for the time being.
Anyway. Moral of the story: NEVER buy graphic based toilet paper, particularly graphics that feature the colour red. Blood is fine if you're aware of it's presence and the process that dictated it's release, i have no qualms with that scenario. However, it's not so fine when you are: a) Pissing it out. b) Doing number two's.
To avoid any scares, always buy white. If you are in the market for a graphic or 'pro' paper, ask your local shop assistant if you can get a look at a full roll. Light hues of blue and green are fine and i recommend something eucalypt or paw print related. The one that made me think i was shitting blood had these little bears on it and he has a red coat or red wellingtons. I obviously didn't get a proper look at the time and have since refused to even be in the same room as it.
I think i'm one of the only people in the world that has a genuine disposition to music film clips. I don't like watching them and i loathe people approaching me and asking if i've seen the latest clip to so and so's latest song because i feel like an absolute asshole. Some of them will even go out of their way to make me feel like an asshole for not being up on the latest hot music videos.
Person: "Hey man have you seen the clip to that new song everyone's talking about and has already seen?"
Me: "Nah, i haven't had a chance to check it out yet. I don't watch t.v. all that much and xbox live doesn't have a music channel yet".
Person: "REALLY!? YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET!? UUHH, YOU JUST GOT A MEMO FROM UNDER THAT ROCK, IT'S TIME TO GO BACK THERE!!
Me: "I don't understand, you got a memo from under a rock?"
Person: "YEAH AND IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO BACK THERE COS THAT'S WHERE YOU LIVE IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE KILLER FILM CLIP YET!! NEVER HANGING OUT WITH YOU AGAIN!!"
I've tried to explain it to people that if i've already heard a song x amount of times, i don't really want to sit through a film clip and be forced to hear the song again because there's some totally high definition poetry never seen before genius imagery playing over the top. I get it, people use film clips to advertise technological advancements, products, failing celebrities and in some cases, the artist. Question: What if the film clip is a stinker? You think i'm going to want to listen to that song again? How does no sound? Sounds good right?
So i'm doing my usual internet rounds late last night and i notice that Drake's film clip for that song everyone is talking about/soon will be talking about, 'Best i ever had', has been released. The song has actually been out for over six months, was released on a mixtape by the guy that played Wheelchair Jimmy on the original Degrassi High and is blatantly aimed at girls who consider themselves the best anyone has ever had, even if they might not be.
I've been following Drake's (the name of the artist in question should you reside in rock town) career for around a year now solely because of his feature on an amazing Lil Wayne track called 'Ransom'. Drake's verse outshines Lil Wayne's in terms of actual rhyming, delivery and general coherency by about half a mile and it was from that point on that i started regularly checking for his music. He released three stellar mixtapes showcasing his ability as a rapper and also a formidable singer and quickly became the mainstream rap industry's number one son and the wet dream of every major label in the game (after a bidding war between Warner, Universal and Atlantic, Drake signed to Lil Wayne's Young Money label for a respectable $8 million dollars, despite refusing offers of $10 million plus from the others).
That's not even the point of this post though. As mentioned prior, the film clip for Drake's first official single was made public last night and was directed by the one and only Kanye West, who is famous for being on South Park, releasing a metric tonne of good music and then spoiling it with an auto-tune laden turd-fest and also dating one of the most desirable women in the world. Kanye is also a self-proclaimed genius and has recently been trying his hand at directing directional film clips that highlight afformentioned genius. Due to my unfathomable hatred of watching music videos i haven't seen any of his previous work but i can only sit back and assume that it's the same high budget baloney that everyone else with a 'vision' is putting out.
So here it is anyway, the film clip that sent the internet absolutely bonkers last night:
What'd you think lads? You like Drake now? Did Kanye's direction give you an erection? Of course it did! He's a genius right?
Well, not really. If this is what genius is then remind me never to become one myself, because i'm almost there already.
Making an overtly sexual, moodily lit screenplay with a terrible plot and a subliminal message that only 2% of the viewing public will understand is not genius. It's the product of a man out to prove the world that he isn't gay with a hint of Drake's career make-or-break thrown in as an after thought.
A genius would have used this opportunity to prove to the world that he is in fact a genius and he would use the most currently popular artist in his field of expertise as a vehicle to do so. We should have seen A-list actors instead of unknown rapper cameos (apart from Fabolous, Loso's Way coming soon!), an engaging and touching plot instead of a d-grade women's college basketball game and we would have seen substance instead of scantily clad video vixens whose collective knockers got more air time than Drake himself and anyone else that featured in the video, including the women to whom the knockers belonged to.
I mean sure, throw some jugs in a new artist's sophomore release to appeal to the male audience, everyone does it and it is a tried and tested formula. You think Nelly would be the star that he is today had ne not done the same? It's common knowledge that sex sells but the main problem here is that Drake's predominantly female fan base won't buy what Drake and Kanye are trying to sell here. Men don't buy cd's, they steal them. It's the women that get all antsy when this song plays and it's the women that will be lining up when Drake's album drops late this year/early next year/whenever the hell it decides to drop. Unfortunately, it's going to take an ignorance epidemic of global proportions for Drake's female fan base to see this clip as a reason to purchase his music.
I could be wrong, but that's never happened before. Here's why:
So here we are at the start of the game. All's well and innocent enough, you've got your banner and your sparkles and your Kanye mood lighting in there. Pretty innocent opening scene right?
Uh-oh. Male interest rises 30000% at this point in time. The women haven't computed what's about to happen yet.
BANG! Instant boners for any men watching the proceedings and a shitload of rolled eyes from any females doing the same. At this point in time it's forgivable though, this is how every rap film clip starts out.
Out rolls Mr. Dreamy McDreamstein r&b rap superstar and his team's mascot. Boners fall like roman empires, female interest rises and things even out for a little while.
In case you weren't aware, there's a guy out there named 'Coach Drake'. He has his name on the door and everything. This is supposedly where Coach Drake masterminds his team plays. The men's interest has been reinstated because sports and coaches are awesome and the women are still all hot and flustered from the Drake snippet earlier on.
This happens. Apparently this happens a-lot in Kanye's vision of a Women's basketball league. The men are going crazy at this point in time, running around in circles not knowing what to do with themselves. The women are ready to boycott any Drake related purchases/downloads in the near future.
The ladies get another precious few seconds with Drake and they fall in love with him again. I'm not sure what he's doing here, possibly going over the cup sizes of his players. The men see a sports reference and praise Kanye West for uniting the only two things they care about.
This girl features heavily throughout the clip. Drake is probably dating her or at least smashed on set. This is the most brief of her appearances and neither the men or women even notice it.
Drake has checked the same play about nine times now. You'd think his team would stand a chance the way he's pouring over that gameplan.
Drake presents the new uniform to his favourite player. She's genuinely stoked on it and doesn't once question the size, shape, colour or whoreishness of the uniform. Drake checks that play again to make sure it hasn't changed since the last time he looked at it.
This is the only scene that displays any form of genius. Animal mascots performing forward somersault dunks is one of the most beautiful things we have on this Earth. I shed a tear at this point in time and thank Kanye for including such a precious occurrence.
Here's two girls in a stairwell. The girl on the left is performing the stations of the cross and the other one is holding one of her breasts. Both the male and female audience can relate to this, it combines religion and contemplation in one of the most important scenes of the video. Powerful stuff.
Behold! The first white girl makes an appearance!
And there she goes again. It was a brief appearance but the male and female audience agree that it's nice Kanye included some white people in the clip as well.
Note: This is what a women's basketball team looks like according to a genius.
Note: This is what they look like in real life. Kanye went all out with the contrasting in this one.
Fabolous makes a cameo and I get extremely excited that his new album is being released soon. He's the only one that looked at the camera throughout the entire video, possibly to promote his new album.
Consequence also makes a cameo. In this scene he's really dissapointed with the way Drake's team is playing and is considering dissing him on a nearby blog.
The 'ugly' team show-up. The men don't have time for this, they know what they came to see and this isn't it. The women like the fact that they included some real girls and forgives Kanye for the last minute and a half of the clip.
One of the hot girls reacts like this to the ugly team. "Oh my god! They're so......real!"
This scene is amazing. The expression on the referee's face is priceless and another brief glimpse into the genius Kanye claims to possess. It almost says "i've had enough of this, who are all these people anyway? I wish i could just ref a good game of women's basketball but while i'm on camera i may as well pull this face to show my casting agent that i'm versatile".
Drake's team is getting absolutely rinsed.
Possibly because they spent too much time doing this. The women viewers are so filled with confused rage at this point in time that their waters break. I know that's not even possible but imagine if that actually happened?
Drake makes another appearance. He's had about 8 seconds of total screen time thus far. Not bad for your first major release directed by Kanye West huh? Nobody is watching the clip at this point in time. The men, having previously made an impromptu trip to the nearest bathroom are nowhere to be seen now and the women are huddled up in a corner somewhere convincing themselves that Drake isn't normally like this and it's all Kanye's fault.
This girl takes a shot. The audience at the game watch in anticipation. This confuses me because unless that shot is worth around seventy points, it's completely pointless.
Lucky this girl is around to lay the Mutombo hand of justice down. Seriously, this was one of the best rejections i have ever seen and another high point for the video.
Drake is piiiiiiissed. No surprises there either. His new outfits didn't work, his team got their asses handed to them and his debut video is receiving harsh reviews from 90% of the people that layed gaze upon it's genius. Kanye West is nowhere to be seen, possibly eating fishsticks at a nearby corner store.
And there you have it people. You won't hear another word from me about Drake and his career from this point onwards. I will continue to support him because aside from this straight-to-radio pop single, Drake has a-lot of potential as a rapper and he's made some damn good music in the last year or so.
Meth and Red's 'Blackout 2' was a pretty exceptional album from start to finish and picking a favourite track from it would be like picking your favourite Simpsons character, a struggle at first and then a possible forced answer to save yourself any further stress and fear of leaving someone out. With that said, 'Ms. International' is definitely up there with the best of them and exists as a nice break in between the grimier subject matter that features throughout. Plus, the video for it is absolute gold. So without further ado, for the first time on this part of the internet, i present to you Outka....... i mean, Ms. International.
As i type this, metric tonnes of tributes and mixtapes are being put together in the late Michael Jackson's honour. Some will be cheesy, some will be amazing, this is the latter.
Click the picture to take a moonwalk down memory lane with the best to ever did it.
