Thursday, July 25, 2013

Perth traffic getting you down? I'm here for you.

The other day I was at my house and all of a sudden I didn't want to be at my house anymore, I actually wanted to be at the deli buying junk food and toothpaste. So I did what any sane person would do and got in the car to drive to the deli down the road from my house. Everything was going swimmingly until I forgot that the traffic in Perth is suddenly so bad that it actually took me 15 YEARS to get to the deli when it normally takes me about 4 seconds. By that stage I didn't even want junk food anymore on account of being 15 years older than I was when I left and too mature for junk food. It was the crappiest day I'd had in almost two decades but it did give me plenty of time to think of some great methods to help you all avoid being giant suckers stuck in traffic like everyone else these days. Please take them seriously, any one of these tips could save your life and maybe even some of your time.

1. Don't purchase a car(But don't steal one either)

Buying a car is one of the most irresponsible things you can do next to owning a house and securing full-time employment. If you buy a car or already own a car you need to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself why you're consciously contributing to Perth's malignant traffic pandemic. Don't take my word for it though, here are some maths: 

Time ~ money. 
Wallet - money = car. 
Car + traffic = time. 
Traffic = time - money. 

∴ Car = Investment in rape. 

If you don't purchase a car or associate with anyone that owns one, you immediately diminish your chances of encountering/contributing to traffic by 100%. It's just simple fact. 

2. If you own a car, catch public transport.

It's no secret that car owners come form a sheltered, anti-social breed of human content to remain in gridlock and lockstep in unison inside their little mobile shells every day until the end of time. From this ignorance stems a reluctance to seek alternate forms of transport, forms of transport that will actually benefit them in every way possible and most importantly, keep them out of traffic's slow-moving and completely unrelenting death grip of eternal death and suffering. Those that utilize public transport not only arrive at work on time 12% more often than their car-driving counterparts, but are also 300% more likely to see something dangerous or confronting on their travels. Did you know Transperth is the 587th cleanest public transport initiative in the world? Stabbings are also down a to an almost insignificant 550 a year. You're basically asking for a shanking if you drive a car!

3. Don't ever go anywhere, ever.

You've got everything you need at home anyway, right? Why risk hours of sitting on your lazy backside doing next to nothing in traffic when you could be accomplishing so much more at home, namely sitting on your lazy backside doing next to nothing and not being stuck in stupid, fart-faced Perth traffic.

4. Ride a bike, fatty!

Remember bikes? No not those fancy, technical exercise bikes ya bloody fitness freaks! I'm talking about those two-wheeled, pedaled contraptions that all those healthy people are commuting safely on along the numerous marked bicycle paths next to the freeways and main roads that you're guaranteed to get trapped on if you're not riding a bicycle. Why waste away in your little gas-filled fatmobile when you could be enjoying the fresh rain on a brisk Winter's dawn or the glorious sun on a generously warm midsummer morning? Remember, getting to your destination all sweaty and exhausted and smelly is still getting to your destination. Find thirty like the government tells you all the time!

5. Leave for work stupidly early.

If you are one of the vehicle owning scum currently infesting Perth's metropolitan area, the least you could do is show the common courtesy of waking up a little bit earlier than usual to save everyone else the hassle of being stuck in the vile, scummy traffic you produce every other day. And don't think 30 minutes is going to cut it either. If you start work at 9am, set yourself an alarm for 2am the night prior. It might not completely guarantee you a smooth, traffic-less journey, but the 7 hour grace period will at least *ensure that you arrive within 15 minutes of either side of your 9am start.

*based on current Perth road congestion as of July, 2013.

6. Sleep at work/engage in relations with higher ranked co-workers.

Depending on your employer's stance on such matters, sleeping at your place of work can shave minutes if not hours off your travel time and nullify traffic encounters significantly. "But there's no beds where I work!" you all cry. Honestly, do I have to do EVERYTHING for you? Office workers sleep under your desk, retail assistants can construct makeshift beds out of clothes or whatever it is they sell, baristas can utilize coffee bean sacks and Hotel staff will find that an empty elevator provides sufficient leg room for a good night's shut-eye.

Engaging in workplace infidelity won't do squat for your traffic dramas, but it will definitely improve your chances of obtaining permission to have sleep-overs at your work. Bonus points if you can convince your boss to spend the night with you at rancho employo.

So what are you waiting for? Get outta here and avoid that traffic!

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