Wednesday, September 30, 2009

On time for being late.

This is what happens when being wasted is done properly. Questions such as "is this real life?" and bold observations like "you have four eyes" are the essential actions and reactions one should have at their disposal when under the influence of chemicals you shouldn't normally be under the influence of. No heart attacks, no grinding your teeth down to the gum, just sit in the back seat tripping balls, counting your fingers and occassionally stopping to scream at the hallucinatory images that you don't agree with.

I'd actually start going to music festivals again if everyone in attendance shut their traps and acted like this kid.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A wooden stake through my patience.

The other night I was having ridiculous amounts of fun watching television as always (my xbox live subscription has run out) and during my travels i decided to check out the shiny jewel of the Australian broadcasting crown that is Channel 99. Who the fuck doesn't want to watch a channel called '99'? No-one, that's who. I don't know who the genius behind the title of this fresh programming venture is, but i'll bet you all the antennas in the world that it was either going to be 'Channel 99' or 'the infinity awesome express', the latter of which wouldn't fit on your average sized programming schedule. It's like, you're at the office watercooler during your lunchbreak and your asshole boss comes and tries to buddy up with you and you're all "so....what'd you do last night?" And he's all, "Oh, i just played a round of golf and then drove my Ferrari home to bone my immaculate European non-english speaking housemaid girlfriend, what about you?" And you're like, "pfft, just a little thing called FOUR HOURS OF CHANNEL 99 INFINTY AWESOME EXPRESS YOU FUCKING RICH SUCCESSFUL MANAGING DIRECTOR. JEALOUS MUCH!? And then he's all, "that sounds, great and all, but you're fired for calling me that" but you don't care because your home is with Channel 99 anyway. Who needs a job when on any given evening the programming is comparable only to that of a Greater Union new release billboard?

So as i was saying, i had my phone switched off, the lights dimmed and a comically sized bowl of Sultana Bran sitting in front of me and i was ready for yet another night of gold class programming, when suddenly i'm greeted with a timeline that looks something like this:

6pm - The Jetsons.

7:30pm - Dharma and Greg: The lost episodes.

8pm - Commercial break.

9pm - Seinfeld: All the ones you haven't seen.

9.30pm - Twilight: The Series.

10pm - Moonshine: Trials of a teen vampire.

10:30pm - True Blood.

11pm - Twiblood.

11:30pm - David Attenborough discovers Transylvania.

12pm - The late news.

1pm - Bram Stoker's Dracula.

I was so mad that i finished my Sultana Bran, watched Seinfeld and the first half of Twilight and then stormed off to bed, my night cut short by Dracumentaries and Rovampic comedies.

Why in god's name are Vampires so hot right now? I know fads, i know crazes and i have a pretty good eye for spotting emerging patterns, but this whole angst-ridden-vampire-tries-to deal-with-human-emotions-whilst-retaining-the-habitual-characteristics-of-a-vampire thing has come so far out of left field that i don't even want to play anymore.

Remember when Vampires weren't ever spoken of because of how mysterious and ruthless they were towards us mere mortals? I remember when i was 8 and i accidentally caught the first half of Bram Stoker's Dracula, it scarred me for life and i'm pretty sure i was so convinced they were real that i ended up sleeping in a church that night. There was always something about their complete disregard for human morals and lust for blood that made them the ultimate nightmare fodder and the best costume for Halloween. In fact, i remember coming home with someone's first born child one Halloween because the parents were so stricken with fear and just wanted me to leave them alone.

Now, instead of this image of death incarnate:

We have these two lovestruck teens and a much more pussy understanding of Vampires:

"When you can live forever, what do you live for?"

Hmm, i don't know? HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING FLY AROUND AND MURDER PEOPLE AND RESIDE IN A SPOOKY CASTLE LIKE YOUR NO DOUBT DISSAPPOINTED ANCESTRY? Seriously! Vampires aren't meant to go to school and fail chemistry and get boners, they're meant to rip people's faces off, drink their blood and wear capes that i can only dream will one day become socially acceptable to wear in public. There was even a scene in the Twilight movie (i haven't seen it, someone told me) where the main protagonist's skin turns into diamonds through contact to direct sunlight? There's only two entities whose skin should turn into diamonds and that is myself and actual diamonds, not some pale, handsome hairdresser poor excuse for a vampire.

The main reason i'm so upset about this whole scenario is that once again something totally awesome and well respected has been exploited for the entertainment of girls. That's why i play video games, i know that females are way too self-conscious to enjoy something that their polar-opposites also enjoy and the risk of it being destroyed by a poorly scripted movie series or a bunch of t.v. programs is slim to nil.
Rest assured though, if previous supernatural trends are anything to go by this whole vamp craze should die out pretty soon. There's only so many times a teenage girl can play with herself whilst fantasizing about something that doesn't exist before they go back to Zac Efron or the Jonas Brothers or whoever the hell it is you all masturbate to these days.

Remember 'Charmed'? Yeah, me neither.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Apology accepted.

Ever since the dawn of time or at least as far as i can remember, i've never really enjoyed agreeing with people. I feel that life is too easy when everyone's all high-five and in agreeance on everything and i'm constantly in the pursuit of a little intellectual debate or a heated stabbing. If someone says something relating to pop culture or geography or something just as important i'll go out of my way to disagree with them, laying a solid foundation for an exciting exchange of opinions. Sometimes it won't even be your opinion that i'm disagreeing with either, it could just be that the conversation we're having is going suspiciously well and i feel the need to question your outlook on life to save the friendship from going into uncharted territory. I'm that good of a friend, thank me later.

I remember this one time back in year 5, some old guy was standing up the front of the class telling us about how the solar system works and his interesting theory of the Earth's revolution of the sun. The class were all eyes to the front and somewhat spellbound by what this man had to say and to put it bluntly, i didn't like where it was headed. I raised my hand and when prompted i told him that he was wrong. He chuckled and gave me this look like "you're 10 and you don't know what you're talking about". He responded with a confident "oh really? Would you like to explain to the class your opinions on time and space?" Astounded that he would ask me such a question and a little unsure of what my response would be i stated that "it is not the sun that the Earth revolves around, it is your head". The class let out an epic roar of laughter as the teacher in question happened to be sporting a cranium of epic proportions, so he didn't take my theory very lightly. He approached my desk and as he did, i stood up on it to make sure i was at his eye level and wasn't playing any games. Just as he went to either strike me or tell me to get down i punched him in the face with both of my fists so hard that he penetrated the wall at the front of the class and left a perfect planetary shaped hole in doing so. I had proven my point and i think he went on to become a famous astrologist after our little encounter. This just goes to show the immense power of argument. Fact.

Now, during my day off yesterday i did what i always do and jumped through my checklist of must check daily web addresses. Like a-lot of people i know, i possess that special useless quality that causes me to violently convulse if i'm not aware of every news headline from the last 24 hours. Information is power right? From extensive articles on the decay of the Western world to a piece on which flavor ice-cream is most versatile with your summer wardrobe, i have to know it all. Or at least as much as my monolithic brain can handle, which is pretty much all of it.

As i did the rounds i was obviously made aware of the MTV VMA's that were occurring at that very moment as every website i checked had made mention of it somewhere on their page. It wasn't until i checked my twitter that i learned of an apparent Kanye West wrongdoing and the worldwide hate he was receiving as a result. His fans were dissing him with no remorse and artists he had worked with were questioning their professional relationships with him on every community based webpage you know of. I was a little concerned as Kanye West's tendencies to pull spotlight stealing stunts had become as notorious as the award shows he pulled them at, but had always been met with a general consensus of "oh, lol. That's our Kanye!". What did he do that was so unforgivable?

Kanye West / Taylor Swift VMA's clip from joe hollywood on Vimeo.

Oh, that's right. He did that.

I think we can all say that the above footage is extremely unfortunate and a rather large blemish on the career of Kanye West and MTV as a whole. Little Taylor Swift was receiving her first VMA moonman award and in the middle of her acceptance speech the most evil man in the universe stumbled on stage and stole what will no doubt be one of many standout moments in her long and financially beneficial career. It was unfair on young Taylor and i suddenly understood why Kanye would have been crossed off a-lot of people's Christmas card lists this year.
I thought about it for a while and considered boycotting any further music he makes out of respect for Taylor's feelings and i still don't even know what a Taylor Swift is. I mean, that doesn't make any difference to his moral code or his bank balance but it would make me feel better right? I paced around the house for a while, confused as to how i would make my anger felt and it was only when i sat down again and had a browse through everyone else's reactions that my thoughts on the matter began to change.

Contrary to what you may take from my blog or even anything i say in real life, I will never favor one race over any other, whether it be my own or anyone else's. No matter how bad things get and whatever conflicts are waged between whichever countries for whatever reasons, i will never concede to the sometimes prominent mentality that my skin colour grants me access to any more rights than anyone else and i expect the same in return. You can raise any point under the sun but when it comes down to it, if you legitimately feel that you are part of a supreme race or background and act dismissively towards someone because of the colour of their skin, i give you full permission to play 18 holes in a lightning storm.
Which brings me to my next point. I can't stress enough the multiple levels of lame that Mr. West touched on during his interruption of Taylor's acceptance speech. He'd been lurking around the proceedings with a half empty bottle of Hennessy and that combined with his notorious ego and love for all things Beyonce was a guaranteed recipe for disaster. No excuses. The backlash that followed was also expected, but on the same note, the amount of race-driven hate featured throughout this backlash was even less excusable.

I've seen and heard some pretty despicable shit on the internet, but the comments from Kanye's fan base and the general public made me sick and embarrassed to be a part of the human race. Claims that Kanye's tirade was a racist attack littered throughout twitter accounts worldwide, death threats and references to his deceased mother were just some of the things i saw and as much as i hate to take his side, were far more atrocious than what he did or could have done at that award show. Remember when 50 cent did almost the exact same thing to Evanescense at an even more prestigious award ceremony in 2004? Ten minutes later no-one was talking about it.
So is it the constant evolution of the internet and it's accessibility to freedom of speech that's made this whole scenario more visible and offensive, or has this furious racism been laying dormant, waiting for someone like Kanye to slip up so a bunch of ignorant teenage race relations experts can share their wisdom on a public forum and simultaneously humiliate themselves and Mr. West?

The man made a mistake, as we all do. No matter how publicly he made this mistake or how sweet and innocent his victim was, it was a mistake made as a result of who he is and some persuasive outside influences. Once again, i'm not at all condoning his actions but for crying out loud, the fucking President of the United States (whom he has supported since day one) is on his case along with pretty much everyone that has ever bought one of his albums or heard one of his songs. He's apologized the best way he knows how on multiple occasions across all types of media and has admitted that he needs to get some help. For Kanye West to apologize and admit he has a problem does more to convince me that he's legitimately sorry than what a bunch of closet racists can type to convince me that he's as bad as you've all made him out to be. The guy is responsible for some amazing music and like it or not, has provided the backdrop for some pretty memorable moments across the last decade as i can only assume he's done so for the people who are now out for his blood.

As of this post I am officially disagreeing with the general public and it's stance on the Kanye West VMA's incident. Not because of a difference in opinion, but because I'd rather see everyone move on so Mr. West can get back to being that self- obsessed, arrogant mess of a musical genius that we've all come know so well. If not for another decade of good music than for the sake of young Miley Cyrus, who's career would no doubt benefit just as much if you all let it be.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

The top 5 most played out Australian sports montage songs of all time that i can think of right now.

5. 'Thunderstruck' - ACDC
What could be more sports montage worthy than a song about thunder and shit? Need more convincing? How about a song about thunder and shit by an Australian band? Not enough? Look at the above picture! That guy is wearing a shiny early 1900's school uniform! Damn straight you like that, now go out and fight someone/play some football!

4. 'Play' - Moby
Monk chants and haunting keys carry Moby and his sombre number all the way to number 4 on tonight's list. Generally coupled with super slow motion footage of devastated men and dripping sweat, this track doubles as a gay anthem when played at the right volume, at the right venue.

3. 'Working Class Man' - Jimmy Barnes
I've never even heard this song before but i know that the only instruments used in it's production were a rusty barrel full of motor oil, a flathead screwdriver and Jimmy Barnes' hard as nails vocal chords. This song is great for montages due to it's appeal not only to football fans and alcoholics, but also your average Aussie blue-collared, red-blooded male.

2. 'Right Here Right Now' - Fatboy Slim
If you haven't used this for a montage of any kind, you shouldn't be allowed to make montages period. This song features a monumental build-up and gets people so motivated that they will dack themselves and start masturbating on the spot with a complete disregard for whoever is else is present. Not that it matters though, whoever else is present will also be masturbating for the same reason. It's just that powerful.

1. 'Simply the Best' - Tina Turner
Tina Turner wants you to know something. She thinks your great. She thinks your one of a kind and a complete gun at whatever sporting activity it is that you participate in. She thinks your the best and she also feels that there aren't many people, if any, that can reach the same level of skill and aptitude that you are currently displaying. Attach this song to some footage of men high-fiving and slamming goals and you have a recipe for pure champion, ready to slam into the oven of win set to infinity degrees. For thirty seconds you'll be under her spell and conclusively under the impression that you are the best and/or on the football field with the very team you are living your life through. You are Ben Cousins after an eight ball of the finest peruvian angel dust and you are definitely not sitting at home on your favourite couch in between your grandma and an empty box of Dixie Drumsticks.

Now go out there and be good at something you unmotivated shits!

This post was co-produced by facebook friend number #156, Mike V.

Monday, September 7, 2009


So the Blueprint 3 has been pushed forward to tomorrow because Jay-z either wanted to go against the grain or has come to terms with the fact that everyone has his album already, some of us even before he did. Having listened to the album several times over now i can definitely say that while Jay-z can still make good music, he is now incapable of making timeless music. Every song on this album is like every fad i've seen in the last few years. Awesome and entertaining for an hour or so, you'll crack some jokes and make obscene references to it a few times but after that you only get more and more frustrated every time you're faced with it and you slowly begin plotting it's demise with anyone that'll listen to you. If Jay-z is the trend-setting god mc that he makes himself out to be, i can only hope that this isn't the direction he's taking hip-hop.....if that's even the genre that the Blueprint 3 belongs in. Granted, there's some bangers on there, but the whole thing feels like a promotional playground for the main guest appearances (Kid Cudi, Drake, J Cole, Luke Steele, Young Jeezy, Mr. Hudson and Kanye West) and then you've got this Jay-z guy who is like the kindegarten teacher in the background making sure that they all stay in check whilst dropping his two cents in at regular intervals.

A recent release that did impress me however, was 'No Strings Attached', which is the legitimate DVD lovechild of one Josh Roberts and another Chris Yow. NSA is the most recent visual manifestation of Perth's skateboarding collective and was actually due for release back in 1978, but due to various setbacks like laziness and whatever else the producers claimed was hindering their performance, it was only just premiered a few days ago. I'll tell you right now though, the 31 year wait was definitely worth it and myself and everyone at the screening was blown away by the level of friendship, art and expression conveyed in this video. The skateboarding in it was also of the highest quality and featured the capable likes of Nicholas Boserio, Alex Campbell Harry Clark, Barry Mansfield, Mitch Cunningham, Phillip Marshal and Quayde Baker plus a metric plethora of other artistic friends all coming together to share the gift of life and super skate tricks on the steps and the walls. Josh Roberts' filming was super smooth and was on par with watching salmon navigate seamlessly through a fresh spring whilst simultaneously escaping nasty security guards and pebbles whilst Chris Yow's crafty angles and epic stills of all things righteous had me thinking i was sitting in a mausoleum watching a live miracle as opposed to a dilapidated cinema surrounded by juvenile criminals and non-skateboarders. If i was forced to choose a favourite part i'd tell you to fuck off because they all made me equally stoked on where skateboarding in Perth is headed and the only reason someone would ask such a question is to see if their opinion aligns with that of the general public, essentially deleting the purpose of their opinion in the first place, which is probably wrong anyway. Also, please remember that every copy of this DVD sold is a new makeshift church for Chris Yow to construct whilst on his missionary travels this year. All the best Yow, dead serious, not being sarcastic.

Aside from the Blueprint 3 and No Strings Attached there isn't really much else i feel is necessary or interesting enough to divulge over this particular medium. Parklife is coming up though. Are you all getting really pumped and excited for that? Ready for lobbers and fuckheads and fuckheads on lobbers! Wanna get sweated on? Ready to have your bladder explode all over the inside of your stomach as you wait to use a portable shit prison filled with speed diarrhea and clear urine? Fuck yeah! Parklife 09' you fucking assholes!

Click the pictures for you know what.....