Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A wooden stake through my patience.

The other night I was having ridiculous amounts of fun watching television as always (my xbox live subscription has run out) and during my travels i decided to check out the shiny jewel of the Australian broadcasting crown that is Channel 99. Who the fuck doesn't want to watch a channel called '99'? No-one, that's who. I don't know who the genius behind the title of this fresh programming venture is, but i'll bet you all the antennas in the world that it was either going to be 'Channel 99' or 'the infinity awesome express', the latter of which wouldn't fit on your average sized programming schedule. It's like, you're at the office watercooler during your lunchbreak and your asshole boss comes and tries to buddy up with you and you're all "so....what'd you do last night?" And he's all, "Oh, i just played a round of golf and then drove my Ferrari home to bone my immaculate European non-english speaking housemaid girlfriend, what about you?" And you're like, "pfft, just a little thing called FOUR HOURS OF CHANNEL 99 INFINTY AWESOME EXPRESS YOU FUCKING RICH SUCCESSFUL MANAGING DIRECTOR. JEALOUS MUCH!? And then he's all, "that sounds, great and all, but you're fired for calling me that" but you don't care because your home is with Channel 99 anyway. Who needs a job when on any given evening the programming is comparable only to that of a Greater Union new release billboard?

So as i was saying, i had my phone switched off, the lights dimmed and a comically sized bowl of Sultana Bran sitting in front of me and i was ready for yet another night of gold class programming, when suddenly i'm greeted with a timeline that looks something like this:

6pm - The Jetsons.

7:30pm - Dharma and Greg: The lost episodes.

8pm - Commercial break.

9pm - Seinfeld: All the ones you haven't seen.

9.30pm - Twilight: The Series.

10pm - Moonshine: Trials of a teen vampire.

10:30pm - True Blood.

11pm - Twiblood.

11:30pm - David Attenborough discovers Transylvania.

12pm - The late news.

1pm - Bram Stoker's Dracula.

I was so mad that i finished my Sultana Bran, watched Seinfeld and the first half of Twilight and then stormed off to bed, my night cut short by Dracumentaries and Rovampic comedies.

Why in god's name are Vampires so hot right now? I know fads, i know crazes and i have a pretty good eye for spotting emerging patterns, but this whole angst-ridden-vampire-tries-to deal-with-human-emotions-whilst-retaining-the-habitual-characteristics-of-a-vampire thing has come so far out of left field that i don't even want to play anymore.

Remember when Vampires weren't ever spoken of because of how mysterious and ruthless they were towards us mere mortals? I remember when i was 8 and i accidentally caught the first half of Bram Stoker's Dracula, it scarred me for life and i'm pretty sure i was so convinced they were real that i ended up sleeping in a church that night. There was always something about their complete disregard for human morals and lust for blood that made them the ultimate nightmare fodder and the best costume for Halloween. In fact, i remember coming home with someone's first born child one Halloween because the parents were so stricken with fear and just wanted me to leave them alone.

Now, instead of this image of death incarnate:

We have these two lovestruck teens and a much more pussy understanding of Vampires:

"When you can live forever, what do you live for?"

Hmm, i don't know? HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING FLY AROUND AND MURDER PEOPLE AND RESIDE IN A SPOOKY CASTLE LIKE YOUR NO DOUBT DISSAPPOINTED ANCESTRY? Seriously! Vampires aren't meant to go to school and fail chemistry and get boners, they're meant to rip people's faces off, drink their blood and wear capes that i can only dream will one day become socially acceptable to wear in public. There was even a scene in the Twilight movie (i haven't seen it, someone told me) where the main protagonist's skin turns into diamonds through contact to direct sunlight? There's only two entities whose skin should turn into diamonds and that is myself and actual diamonds, not some pale, handsome hairdresser poor excuse for a vampire.

The main reason i'm so upset about this whole scenario is that once again something totally awesome and well respected has been exploited for the entertainment of girls. That's why i play video games, i know that females are way too self-conscious to enjoy something that their polar-opposites also enjoy and the risk of it being destroyed by a poorly scripted movie series or a bunch of t.v. programs is slim to nil.
Rest assured though, if previous supernatural trends are anything to go by this whole vamp craze should die out pretty soon. There's only so many times a teenage girl can play with herself whilst fantasizing about something that doesn't exist before they go back to Zac Efron or the Jonas Brothers or whoever the hell it is you all masturbate to these days.

Remember 'Charmed'? Yeah, me neither.


Melissa said...

hahahaha x infinity. Great post, i laughed all the way through that. I think you and I are the only people in Australia who haven't seen Twilight.

Jimmy Hats said...

My theory is this.
Girls like the whole werewolf (aggressive spider pig alpha male) vs vampire (quiet, intelligent, calculated) males to fight over them.

You know what I mean.

Oh, and fangs are euphemisms for syringes and the whole underbelly of it all is saturated with drug references.
I still haven't seen any of these so called horror shows, but I have been given synopsis after synopsis.

Truth is born.
NB:Hahah, the word verification is "perfs".

Me said...

Couldn't agree more on the werewolf vs. vampire analogy.
I wish my fuse was longer, maybe then i could tolerate these shows long enough to gain a better understanding of their underlying messages.

All i see is my favourite childhood baddies being exploited for the entertainment of teenage girls. Girls whose entertainment recepticles are so small and malnourished that it won't be too long before you see Twilight box sets taking up real estate in your nearest Blockbuster bargain bin.

Jimmy Hats said...

I haven't read these things or seen them on the television. My friends have given me synopsis after synopsis of
said vampire evil horror damsel blood turbulent mental health shows/books/lifestyles.
One thing's for sure, Theres always going to be vampires though, zombies, things, monsters, Idiocracy taught me this.