Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The X Factor.


I want to die

This flu is being a faggot
A reward for my assailant


Ladies and Gentlemen, above is a the first haiku i have ever written. It was composed on Tuesday around lunchtime, during the peak of the gnarliest flu i have ever endured. This flu was so badass that it wore a leather jacket with a patch on the back displaying five rebellious germs circling a perfectly healthy one. It rode into my immune system on a motorbike constructed of pure hatred for human health and proceeded to do bog laps around my entire person for a good 72 hours, stopping only to refuel and give me just enough time to convince myself that life is worth living and suicide isn't the most realistic cure for my illness.

I know you're sitting there thinking "what a pussy, he thinks he's a hard nut because he had the flu". It wasn't just the flu you fucking bitch. If what i had to endure was the flu, then realistically everyone that has ever had the flu wouldn't even know they had the flu, because they'd be dead already. Walls were moving with no assistance, ceilings were spinning in a similar fashion to that of a hypnotist's charm (except the charm works in reverse and takes you to hell), my nose was running faster and for longer periods than Steve Monoghetti on steroids and my fever was so severe that i learnt pyrokinesis but i didn't even want to use it because i was too sick. You know you've ventured beyond the realms of a common flu when you've learnt pyrokinesis and you don't even want to use it. So take your measly little colds and stick it where the sun shines, aka your ass, because you clearly think that is where the sun shines from if you also believe you've had this kind of flu before.

How did i deal with it though? Many would suggest prescription medicines, lemon teas and all sorts of other homo-erotic short term solutions but i think the most effective deterrent for any kind of sickness is to not get it in the first place. Don't share drinks, don't walk behind sick people or people who don't look like they shower daily and don't let your friends sneeze in your mouth. Quite simple for most (me in particular), but for those of us who are prone to catch other people's filth every now and then or are just plain jerks with weak immune systems, i bring forth two activities that will have you saying "Vomit? What vomit?"

1. A limitless supply of the X Files back catalogue.
The only television series filmed entirely during overcast weather and the owner of some serious real estate close to my heart. I don't care what anyone says, aside from Seinfeld and the earlier seasons of Samurai Pizza Cats, the X Files is the greatest of all time television series. Sewer monsters, non-twilight vampires, telekinetic dolls, killer ATM machines, mind-controlling soil, Aliens, the Internet, murderous mist, government cover-ups and Fox Mulder. It effortlessly ticks all the boxes on the curriculum vitae of awesomeness and is one of those rare franchises that you can come back to every ten years and still be blown away by it's delivery and excessively ghoulish theme song. Plus, Dana Scully is one of few female protagonists that holds the ability to get better looking with every season. I can't even imagine how good she'd look if the series ran through to this day.

2. Borderlands
Borderlands is a new game that i bought for my X-box. If i had to describe it, it would be like....you've got this train line right? And this train line runs from 'pretty cool' station all the way to the last stop at 'completely fucking radical'. Borderlands would be the drunken limousine driver that picks you up and tells you that there is a station beyond completely fucking radical that no-one knows about and he takes you there and makes the most hilarious jokes you've ever heard along the way and you feel like you're accomplishing something throughout the entire journey.

If you like your video games to include insignificant elements like 'story line' and 'cohesion' then it's probably best that you don't ever play this game. The lack of story is by far the most impressive aspect of Borderlands and i can only aspire to achieve a similar worldwide acclaim for doing absolutely fuck all.

Game Developer 1: "So, we're probably gonna have to whip a story together before we release this already finished alpha version of the game to the testers".

Game Developer 2: "Really? Damn. Umm, there's a planet called Pandora and there's, umm, this vault right? And it has treasure in it".

Game Developer 1: "Yeah! Yeah! And you're there to find it or something".

Game Developer 2: "Perfect".

Game Developer 1: "Now onto the more important matter. Did we decide on 250,000 different guns or 1,000,000"?

Game Developer 2: "Shit. Better boil the kettle".

It's true, some players have counted over a billion different guns and not even one ounce of storyline at any given point of the game. You basically just run around gathering loot, killing bandits and levelling up so you can kill more bandits later on with less effort and more body parts per square meter. Some might call it the perfect game, i would call it Jesus Christ in the flesh.

I went to a party on the weekend as well. I know it's where i caught my sickness from and I'll put some photos up soon so you can help me find the asshole. Meanwhile, go check the shredtavern for evidence of said party.

1 comment:

TeamR said...

man, you kill me! Definitely going to list myself as a regular reader from now on. And I agree, Borderlands is sweeeet!