Tuesday, January 12, 2010

2009 stole my wallet!

As i gallivanted around the last 24 hours of 2009 in a drunken stupor with whoever else was around me at the time, one constant factor made itself known at every given opportunity, which was pretty much 25 out of the 24 hours i spent gallivanting around with whoever else was around me at the time. I do not speak of the stench of yeast and tobacco or the aromas my body produced after the addition of said products to my person, i speak of the inescapable pot pourri of hatred the entire human race appeared to harbor for the last year of the recently elapsed decade, which was far smellier and way more annoying than any products containing yeast and/or tobacco.

News desks, movie stars, the elderly/disabled, babies and billboards all pushed their slight differences aside and rejoiced in the blaming of an entire year for their shortcomings and collective erectile dysfunctions. 2009 wasn't the first time this has happened, (the transition between 1999-2000 was held accountable for every human error made for the 2000 years before it) but it was definitely the most recent and by far the most ruthless. From a personal perspective, I complain better than anyone i know (I once complained my way out of my own baptism and then complained about the fact that i never got baptised) but when i'm going about my daily business and hearing things like "gosh, i can't believe how shit 2009 was!" and "bring on 2010! 2009 is the devil and it even stole my car!", it's time to get someone else's side of the story. Namely, 2009.

I managed to catch 2009 before he left for a much needed holiday in an attempt to understand it's conviction and the reason why everyone is blaming him for their self-inflicted failures. The following interview was conducted under a strict no bias policy pertaining to myself and any affiliated companies or government bodies with whom i am afiliated, which is none.

Firstly 2009, i'm a huge fan and i really appreciate you taking the time out to speak with me today.

Not a problem! I was actually just ducking out for a beer with 1999.

Oh really? Do you and 1999 hang out often?

Well, not so much when i was younger. Definitely towards the end though, we found that we have a-lot in common.

What's 99' doing now? Do you mind if i call him '99?

Nah, he's cool with that, he's just started calling me '09 actually. I call him 'Agent 99' sometimes and we joke around about him being older than me even though i'm ten years older than him!

Kind of like a little inside joke?

Yeah, no-one really gets it though. I think we're a little misunderstood.

Definitely, we'll get to that soon enough. So is '99 still complacent being lost in the ages? Any plans of a comeback?

He's doing his thing. I don't think he'll be coming back any time soon though, those aspirations are kind of frowned upon in our culture on the basis that it disobeys the laws of time and physics.

Oh yeah, the whole time going backwards thing.

He could do it if he wanted to though. You ever get the feeling that time is going slower than usual?

Pardon the pun, but all the time actually.

Well, that's '99 having a laugh. I love puns by the way!

You're welcome. So, you seem like a nice enough year, what went wrong?

I've been racking my brain for the last 367 days and i honestly can't understand the mean things people have been saying about me these last few months. I mean, i'm being blamed for celebrity deaths, recessions, acne, swine flu and Avatar and i'm sitting there thinking "hey humanity, i'm just a year! Why all the beef?"

I loved Avatar!

Me too! I left that cinema wishing i lived in Pandora, man. J.C really went to town on that one!

You know health experts are blaming that movie for depression and suicide now? Like, people are leaving the cinema and killing themselves because they can't live on Pandora.

That's exactly what i'm talking about! It's like, if Michael Jackson dies or Wall street crashes, blame James Cameron! Blame 2009! It's all their fault!

Whereas you see it as more of the individual's fault when a problem occurs?

Damn straight. That's one of the things i learnt during my tenure. People are always happy to blame the person or the year next to them. I copped it the hardest because i'm a finite entity that can't be touched, heard or smelt and therefore supposedly devoid of any emotion. You can all pass the buck as much as you want, you're the reason you had a shit year and you're the reason the economy crashed, i was just there in respite.

Do you hold any remorse towards the population under your care at that point in time?

I'm TIME magazine's worst year ever. 1997 called me a 'cunt' the other day. What do you think? It's like '99 was telling me just the other day of all the flack he copped for the millenium bug drama. That wasn't even his problem!

How so?

As soon as that calendar ticked over to the year 2000 his responsibility for that bug was null and void. People act as if 1999 took a shit on the moon and left it for 2000 to clean up.

I never thought of it like that.

And now look. 2000 walks around like the king of the century because he's the "dawn of a new millenium". What did 2000 ever do for anyone? What, the Olympics? Give me a fucking break!

Lifehouse's 'Hanging by a Moment' was Billboard's overall number one song that year.

Fuck Lifehouse! That shit wouldn't slide during my time. I'd tsunami a Lifehouse concert given the chance.

Speaking of which, weren't you blamed for the Indonesian tsunamis?

Yeah, even though i'm incapable of controlling the weather and it's related elements. That's Mother Nature's doing and i'd love to see you people talk about her the way you've been talking about me.

Back to music, what caught your attention during your time in office?

Actually, 2008 lent me a copy of that Lil Wayne guy's album just last week.

The Carter 3?

That's the one! That's been on heavy rotation. I just found out that his 'No Ceilings' mixtape came out during my time so i've gotta get my hands on that!

There you go! Not everything about you was bad!

That's not funny. I do like Lil Wayne though, he's misunderstood, just like me and '99.

I think we'll finish on that. Any last words or shoutouts?

Yeah i'd like to give 2012 a shoutout. He's already being labeled as the apocalypse and that's pretty heavy for a year that hasn't even started yet. I saw him just the other day and asked him about it and he's all "whatever, i don't even like the Mayans". It's rare for a year to talk like that before his shift. I think even if he does bring the end of the world, he's going to do it in style, which is important.

Beautiful. Tell Agent 99 I said hi.

He'll love that, he reads your blog all the time.

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