Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Change has come.

Last week i was hungry as shit so i did what any sane person would do, i went and got the necessary ingredients for some good old American Dogs.


No fancy dressings or queer preparation techniques, i keep it old world around here. Chop onion, unwrap cheese, heat sausages..............slice rolls? I'm sorry, what? I have to slice my own rolls now? When did this start happening?

I thought back over the last 23 years (i had my first hot dog at birth) and discovered that i've been a complete sucker for a good portion of my whole life. It seems as though Tip-Top® brand Hot Dog rolls don't and never have come pre-sliced. How i've been dealing with it up until this point is a miracle that should have been made into an emotionally charged mini series and i realize now that i only put up with it out of absolute necessity and pure unadulterated laziness. On this particular occassion though, i didn't feel like cutting any fucking rolls. I'd already done everything else and i'd had enough. I mean, i just drove to the shops, picked all these ingredients up, diced a whole onion, pre-heated a grill, unwrapped a couple of slices of cheese and now i have to individually separate each roll that i should choose to use? What if i cut one open and decide that i don't want it? THEN WHAT!?

I stopped what i was doing, put my hunger aside and used my last ounce of strength to compose the following email:

Hi Tip-top,

Just wondering why your hotdog rolls don't come pre-sliced? I was making some hotdogs for lunch today and came to realize that i've been slicing my own rolls for beyond a decade now and to be honest, i'm at breaking point. Why you would tarnish an otherwise perfect product with such a minor flaw? I put some numbers together to help you guys get back on top of your game and re-claim bread roll supremacy.

On average, a housewife will make hotdogs once a fortnight for about four people each time. An average serving of hotdogs is two per meal, which equates to eight rolls. A roll takes around 6 seconds to slice. That's 48 seconds every two weeks spent slicing rolls which in turn ends up at around 20 minutes a year and almost 7 hours of a child's life! It doesn't seem like much but imagine if that extra 20 minutes wasn't spent on your product and was instead being put towards teaching their kids about the benefits of wheat products, getting 20 of the recommended 30 minutes of required exercise a day or even taking some time out to watch their favorite television show or listen to their prized Celine Dion greatest hits cd, imagine how much more productive we would all be?

Exactly, 100 times more productive is the correct answer. Please start slicing your rolls or i will be forced to take my business elsewhere, namely sliced bread, which you also produce.

Regards, Me

Reading back over that letter i'm shocked i was even able to compute simple mathematics with the hunger i was experiencing. I crawled back into the kitchen, put the rolls away and proceeded with my hot dogs sans rolls to construct them with.

A week later, when i didn't even care about it anymore and had since eaten a vast range of Tip Top® branded products, i received this letter.

Dear Ben,

I am writing to thank you for your suggestion that George Weston Foods consider the introduction of sliced hot dog rolls.

We appreciate your valuable feedback and your suggestion has been forwarded to our Marketing Manager.

We are glad that you enjoy our product and your suggestion is valuable to us. We are always looking for new ideas and innovations.

Kind Regards,
**** ******.
Pretty much the owner of Tip Top.

See what they did there? Instead of sending my complaint to headquarters or research and development, they sent it to the Manager of Marketing. What's some big wig marketing manager hot shot going to do about getting my rolls sliced?

"Wow, this guy really did a-lot of pointless research on our product. I wonder how i can market this? Oh that's right i can't, lucky i'm the manager of all things marketing and i can just delete this email and no-one will do anything about it".

Not so fast Mr. hot shot big wig extra cheese marketing manager. I have solid (II) proof that you are now in control of the destiny of your rolls and i've posted it up on the internet for about two people to see at any given time. Either send my request through to the necessary departments (research and development prefferably, i want lab coats involved with my revelation) or suffer the wrath of the almighty and forever unforgiving poll that i'll be posting in a matter of moments.

Readers, vote on the right of my page if you're sick of slicing.


mitch said...

holy bejesus
i just done ur tip top vote and 34 people inclusive of myself have voted
ur a popular man Ben

Me said...

I'm just glad someone's doing something about it.

Namely, Me.