The battle continues.
Here's my latest correspondence with George Weston foods.
Dear ####,
Thanks for the response in regards to Reference #2775770. I conducted a poll on my blog to solidify the importance of this matter.
The results were as follows:
35 people voted in total.
29 people said that Tip-Top are well behind the times with their un-sliced rolls.
1 person said they prefer slicing their own rolls.
5 people said that hotdogs are for degenerates and that they prefer tapas and other fancy arrangements.
These results are the product of a 6 day poll conducted with no bias whatsoever. As you can see, there's an overwhelming demand for sliced rolls that you guys could be providing for.
Regards,
#######
To the 29 people that picked the correct answer, you all win! What do you win exactly? How about being one step closer to winning the fight against manual labour? You like that don't you?
Way to win, winner!
To the smartass that voted against sliced rolls, i know why you did it. You were faced with devastating odds and you panicked. Don't worry, you didn't make a difference and i forgive you for your negligence.
To the 5 of you that don't like hotdogs and live on a steady diet of tapas and undeserved self worth, thankyou. Without fancy citizens like you, us lower class hotdog eating motherfuckers wouldn't have something to strive for. Oh how i can't wait for the day when i can eat some fingernail size portions of cured ham and rotten cheese by candlelight whilst discussing the ups and downs of topics i know little about so i appear more worldy to my tapas eating compatriots.
Just kidding, tapas owns. Sometimes it seems to me that people just eat tapas because they like saying it or because they think it's this new hip thing.
"Ooohhh, it's like a meal only miniature! That's so kitsch!"
More to come.
Showing posts with label genius. Show all posts
Showing posts with label genius. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Gordon Ramsay's recipe for a good time.
Being an avid follower of all things just and awesome, i was delighted to hear of Gordon Ramsay's recent tour of Australia and resulting coverage of said tours. I've been a fan of Gordon since the original Hell's Kitchen series and his brand of ruining people's lives and swearing like a sailor with tourettes was the only reason i associated myself with commercial television between 2008 and 2009, ever. He is dashing, classy, heroic, the spearhead of the reality kitchen series movement and above all else, he will kill you.
Everything was going super good for Gordon up until recently. He was charming everyone he came into contact with and then telling them to fuck off, his numerous appearances were met with hysteria and acclaim and he was just running shit as per usual.
Enter Tracy Grimshaw.
Fact: Tracy Grimshaw is a well-known and well respected Australian television presenter who sometimes appears to have a little bit of sand in her vagina when it comes to particular matters.
Fact: Gordon Ramsay is famous not only for his cooking and swearing, but also because of the way he treats women. He straight doesn't give a fuck and everyone eats it up and complains about it at the same time because everyone is stupid.
Fact: If you were to put Tracy Grimshaw and Gordon Ramsay in a room together it would be the mathematical equivalent of letting Clark Gable loose on a Women's rights representative. There would be no survivors, no prisoners and no remorse.
Fact: Channel 9 knew this.
The second Gordon Ramsay entered the Channel 9 studios it was a one way ticket to owned town for everyone that worked there. No one was safe from his scrutiny but at the same time they all knew better than to try and step to him, therefore any resulting hurt feelings were at Channel 9's invitation. Gordon Ramsay was the victim and channel 9 knows it.
Don't believe me? Below is a picture of the exact moment Nick Coe says that Gordon Ramsay is a victim.
If that isn't a face displaying sheer sincerity and appreciation for man's sometimes unappreciative view on women then i don't know what is.
Oh wait, yes i do.
BANG!
So after expectedly attacking make-up and wardrobe for being fat and ugly, Gordon proceeded into Channel 9's interrogation chamber and was grilled by Tracy Grimshaw for a few minutes. Gordon was extremely polite and well behaved aside from a couple of cracks at her appearance.
Enter the Australian media.
Fact: The Australian media likes to blow things out of proportion and stretch scenarios out well beyond their death to postpone the workload of looking for 'actual' news.
Fact: The Australian media protects it's own, especially out of complete ignorance to the tradition of whoever it chooses to document.
Fact: The Australian media was so bored that it followed Gordon Ramsay around like a 5th grader trying to instigate a fight that has nothing to do with him. The Australian media then acts shocked when he reacts in a negative manner to being badgered.
His strength in holding back from unleashing on Channel 9's favourite daughter is something that should be applauded. Channel 9 knew he was going to come in and wreck shop, that's what he does and that's why he's famous and loved as much as he is hated. To mass badger an apology out of him for doing what he does best is no better.
Thank god the only reason he apologized is because his mum told him to. That, in my books, makes him even more fantastic than he was when he single-handedly destroyed channel 9.
Below is footage of what none of his followers ever thought they would see:
And even in the apology, Gordon manages to make a fool out of Tony Jones' intimidation techniques. His reaction when Tony requests that Gordon apologizes to the camera because Tracy is watching it is absolutely hilarious and goes to show that there is no outsmarting someone that is insulting you in his mind while you talk to him.
So here's to Gordon Ramsay and his trip to Australia. No-one learnt anything, Perth missed out on a celebrity visit for the millionth time (which is also hilarious) and Tracy Grimshaw can sleep at night knowing she isn't a lesbian.
*Update: New Poll! The previous Tip-Top poll has been sent to the necessary parties, expect a response and nothing to be done about it in a couple of weeks.
Everything was going super good for Gordon up until recently. He was charming everyone he came into contact with and then telling them to fuck off, his numerous appearances were met with hysteria and acclaim and he was just running shit as per usual.
Enter Tracy Grimshaw.
Fact: Tracy Grimshaw is a well-known and well respected Australian television presenter who sometimes appears to have a little bit of sand in her vagina when it comes to particular matters.
Fact: Gordon Ramsay is famous not only for his cooking and swearing, but also because of the way he treats women. He straight doesn't give a fuck and everyone eats it up and complains about it at the same time because everyone is stupid.
Fact: If you were to put Tracy Grimshaw and Gordon Ramsay in a room together it would be the mathematical equivalent of letting Clark Gable loose on a Women's rights representative. There would be no survivors, no prisoners and no remorse.
Fact: Channel 9 knew this.
The second Gordon Ramsay entered the Channel 9 studios it was a one way ticket to owned town for everyone that worked there. No one was safe from his scrutiny but at the same time they all knew better than to try and step to him, therefore any resulting hurt feelings were at Channel 9's invitation. Gordon Ramsay was the victim and channel 9 knows it.
Don't believe me? Below is a picture of the exact moment Nick Coe says that Gordon Ramsay is a victim.
If that isn't a face displaying sheer sincerity and appreciation for man's sometimes unappreciative view on women then i don't know what is.Oh wait, yes i do.
BANG!So after expectedly attacking make-up and wardrobe for being fat and ugly, Gordon proceeded into Channel 9's interrogation chamber and was grilled by Tracy Grimshaw for a few minutes. Gordon was extremely polite and well behaved aside from a couple of cracks at her appearance.
Enter the Australian media.
Fact: The Australian media likes to blow things out of proportion and stretch scenarios out well beyond their death to postpone the workload of looking for 'actual' news.
Fact: The Australian media protects it's own, especially out of complete ignorance to the tradition of whoever it chooses to document.
Fact: The Australian media was so bored that it followed Gordon Ramsay around like a 5th grader trying to instigate a fight that has nothing to do with him. The Australian media then acts shocked when he reacts in a negative manner to being badgered.
His strength in holding back from unleashing on Channel 9's favourite daughter is something that should be applauded. Channel 9 knew he was going to come in and wreck shop, that's what he does and that's why he's famous and loved as much as he is hated. To mass badger an apology out of him for doing what he does best is no better.
Thank god the only reason he apologized is because his mum told him to. That, in my books, makes him even more fantastic than he was when he single-handedly destroyed channel 9.
Below is footage of what none of his followers ever thought they would see:
And even in the apology, Gordon manages to make a fool out of Tony Jones' intimidation techniques. His reaction when Tony requests that Gordon apologizes to the camera because Tracy is watching it is absolutely hilarious and goes to show that there is no outsmarting someone that is insulting you in his mind while you talk to him.
So here's to Gordon Ramsay and his trip to Australia. No-one learnt anything, Perth missed out on a celebrity visit for the millionth time (which is also hilarious) and Tracy Grimshaw can sleep at night knowing she isn't a lesbian.
*Update: New Poll! The previous Tip-Top poll has been sent to the necessary parties, expect a response and nothing to be done about it in a couple of weeks.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Like the deserts miss the rain.
Things i've done without my xbox since it broke.
- Turned it on and prayed that it will magically work again about 8000 times.
- Sat there and given it 'the eye'.
- Shaken it like a disgruntled boyfriend does his incompetent girlfriend.
- Slapped it around like a suspicious girlfriend does her slimy boyfriend.
- Accidentally judo chopped my front door open while the neighbours were watching. They already hate me so it doesn't matter. I don't know why they hate me either, if they can't say good morning loud enough for me not to ignore them that's their fault.
- Almost called Microsoft about having it repaired.
- Sparked numerous conversations with complete strangers about their core hardware failures and how they dealt with it.
- Attempted to watch commercial television. It isn't that bad once you switch the television off.
- Attempted to build a new xbox out of an empty drawer and the insides of an old mobile phone.
- Attacked people in the street for no reason, always ending the attack with "Ooohhh, sorry i don't have a working xbox 360 you fucking show off!"
- Held minute long conversations with friends and family without resorting to leaving halfway through and playing xbox.
- Borrowed a ps3. I refuse to play it until the xbox is out of the house through fear of electrical storms and domestic violence.
- Sat in my room and written completely pointless blog posts about what i've done since my xbox broke, secretly wishing that when i post it my xbox will realize how unfair it's being and start working again.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Change has come.
Last week i was hungry as shit so i did what any sane person would do, i went and got the necessary ingredients for some good old American Dogs.
Cheese.
Onion.
Franks.
Sauce.
Mustard.
Coke.
Rolls.
No fancy dressings or queer preparation techniques, i keep it old world around here. Chop onion, unwrap cheese, heat sausages..............slice rolls? I'm sorry, what? I have to slice my own rolls now? When did this start happening?
I thought back over the last 23 years (i had my first hot dog at birth) and discovered that i've been a complete sucker for a good portion of my whole life. It seems as though Tip-Top® brand Hot Dog rolls don't and never have come pre-sliced. How i've been dealing with it up until this point is a miracle that should have been made into an emotionally charged mini series and i realize now that i only put up with it out of absolute necessity and pure unadulterated laziness. On this particular occassion though, i didn't feel like cutting any fucking rolls. I'd already done everything else and i'd had enough. I mean, i just drove to the shops, picked all these ingredients up, diced a whole onion, pre-heated a grill, unwrapped a couple of slices of cheese and now i have to individually separate each roll that i should choose to use? What if i cut one open and decide that i don't want it? THEN WHAT!?
I stopped what i was doing, put my hunger aside and used my last ounce of strength to compose the following email:
Hi Tip-top,
Just wondering why your hotdog rolls don't come pre-sliced? I was making some hotdogs for lunch today and came to realize that i've been slicing my own rolls for beyond a decade now and to be honest, i'm at breaking point. Why you would tarnish an otherwise perfect product with such a minor flaw? I put some numbers together to help you guys get back on top of your game and re-claim bread roll supremacy.
On average, a housewife will make hotdogs once a fortnight for about four people each time. An average serving of hotdogs is two per meal, which equates to eight rolls. A roll takes around 6 seconds to slice. That's 48 seconds every two weeks spent slicing rolls which in turn ends up at around 20 minutes a year and almost 7 hours of a child's life! It doesn't seem like much but imagine if that extra 20 minutes wasn't spent on your product and was instead being put towards teaching their kids about the benefits of wheat products, getting 20 of the recommended 30 minutes of required exercise a day or even taking some time out to watch their favorite television show or listen to their prized Celine Dion greatest hits cd, imagine how much more productive we would all be?
Exactly, 100 times more productive is the correct answer. Please start slicing your rolls or i will be forced to take my business elsewhere, namely sliced bread, which you also produce.
Regards, Me
Reading back over that letter i'm shocked i was even able to compute simple mathematics with the hunger i was experiencing. I crawled back into the kitchen, put the rolls away and proceeded with my hot dogs sans rolls to construct them with.
A week later, when i didn't even care about it anymore and had since eaten a vast range of Tip Top® branded products, i received this letter.
Cheese.
Onion.
Franks.
Sauce.
Mustard.
Coke.
Rolls.
No fancy dressings or queer preparation techniques, i keep it old world around here. Chop onion, unwrap cheese, heat sausages..............slice rolls? I'm sorry, what? I have to slice my own rolls now? When did this start happening?
I thought back over the last 23 years (i had my first hot dog at birth) and discovered that i've been a complete sucker for a good portion of my whole life. It seems as though Tip-Top® brand Hot Dog rolls don't and never have come pre-sliced. How i've been dealing with it up until this point is a miracle that should have been made into an emotionally charged mini series and i realize now that i only put up with it out of absolute necessity and pure unadulterated laziness. On this particular occassion though, i didn't feel like cutting any fucking rolls. I'd already done everything else and i'd had enough. I mean, i just drove to the shops, picked all these ingredients up, diced a whole onion, pre-heated a grill, unwrapped a couple of slices of cheese and now i have to individually separate each roll that i should choose to use? What if i cut one open and decide that i don't want it? THEN WHAT!?
I stopped what i was doing, put my hunger aside and used my last ounce of strength to compose the following email:
Hi Tip-top,
Just wondering why your hotdog rolls don't come pre-sliced? I was making some hotdogs for lunch today and came to realize that i've been slicing my own rolls for beyond a decade now and to be honest, i'm at breaking point. Why you would tarnish an otherwise perfect product with such a minor flaw? I put some numbers together to help you guys get back on top of your game and re-claim bread roll supremacy.
On average, a housewife will make hotdogs once a fortnight for about four people each time. An average serving of hotdogs is two per meal, which equates to eight rolls. A roll takes around 6 seconds to slice. That's 48 seconds every two weeks spent slicing rolls which in turn ends up at around 20 minutes a year and almost 7 hours of a child's life! It doesn't seem like much but imagine if that extra 20 minutes wasn't spent on your product and was instead being put towards teaching their kids about the benefits of wheat products, getting 20 of the recommended 30 minutes of required exercise a day or even taking some time out to watch their favorite television show or listen to their prized Celine Dion greatest hits cd, imagine how much more productive we would all be?
Exactly, 100 times more productive is the correct answer. Please start slicing your rolls or i will be forced to take my business elsewhere, namely sliced bread, which you also produce.
Regards, Me
Reading back over that letter i'm shocked i was even able to compute simple mathematics with the hunger i was experiencing. I crawled back into the kitchen, put the rolls away and proceeded with my hot dogs sans rolls to construct them with.
A week later, when i didn't even care about it anymore and had since eaten a vast range of Tip Top® branded products, i received this letter.
Dear Ben,
I am writing to thank you for your suggestion that George Weston Foods consider the introduction of sliced hot dog rolls.
We appreciate your valuable feedback and your suggestion has been forwarded to our Marketing Manager.
We are glad that you enjoy our product and your suggestion is valuable to us. We are always looking for new ideas and innovations.
Kind Regards,
**** ******.
Pretty much the owner of Tip Top.
I am writing to thank you for your suggestion that George Weston Foods consider the introduction of sliced hot dog rolls.
We appreciate your valuable feedback and your suggestion has been forwarded to our Marketing Manager.
We are glad that you enjoy our product and your suggestion is valuable to us. We are always looking for new ideas and innovations.
Kind Regards,
**** ******.
Pretty much the owner of Tip Top.
See what they did there? Instead of sending my complaint to headquarters or research and development, they sent it to the Manager of Marketing. What's some big wig marketing manager hot shot going to do about getting my rolls sliced?
"Wow, this guy really did a-lot of pointless research on our product. I wonder how i can market this? Oh that's right i can't, lucky i'm the manager of all things marketing and i can just delete this email and no-one will do anything about it".
Not so fast Mr. hot shot big wig extra cheese marketing manager. I have solid (II) proof that you are now in control of the destiny of your rolls and i've posted it up on the internet for about two people to see at any given time. Either send my request through to the necessary departments (research and development prefferably, i want lab coats involved with my revelation) or suffer the wrath of the almighty and forever unforgiving poll that i'll be posting in a matter of moments.
Readers, vote on the right of my page if you're sick of slicing.
"Wow, this guy really did a-lot of pointless research on our product. I wonder how i can market this? Oh that's right i can't, lucky i'm the manager of all things marketing and i can just delete this email and no-one will do anything about it".
Not so fast Mr. hot shot big wig extra cheese marketing manager. I have solid (II) proof that you are now in control of the destiny of your rolls and i've posted it up on the internet for about two people to see at any given time. Either send my request through to the necessary departments (research and development prefferably, i want lab coats involved with my revelation) or suffer the wrath of the almighty and forever unforgiving poll that i'll be posting in a matter of moments.
Readers, vote on the right of my page if you're sick of slicing.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
My new favourite pastime.
When you are killed in a round of Gears of War multiplayer, you are given the convenient option of ghosting around the place and taking killersweet action shots of your teammates and the scenery. You can then upload them to your windows live account and if you are especially smart, you can caption them with your own witty retorts.
These are their stories.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Quick thought.
That five food groups table on the side of cereal boxes. You know, apples, fish, bread, meat, eat all this shit and you'll probably live a while so long as you don't get aids or cancer or assassinated? Yeah, that one.
Is that a pyramid scheme?
Were the slavemasters back in the ancient Egyptian era the originators of this scheme?
"Psst, hey, peasant, come here. It'd be totally stellar if you stacked all this cinderblock in a pyramid formation. The pharaoh would be monolith psyched and he'll give you a whole heap of those Egyptian girls with the cool eyes."
An offer a peasant couldn't refuse perhaps? The problem was, the peasants didn't end up getting chicks and grapes, they got whipped and killed in that order, possibly in reverse. So effectively, the pyramids weren't named after their shape, they were named after the scheme that got them there, which is also shaped like a pyramid.
Hence, the creation of the pyramid scheme and me learning it myself.
Click below for a detailed and structured synopsis:
Next week, Fascism.
Is that a pyramid scheme?
Were the slavemasters back in the ancient Egyptian era the originators of this scheme?
"Psst, hey, peasant, come here. It'd be totally stellar if you stacked all this cinderblock in a pyramid formation. The pharaoh would be monolith psyched and he'll give you a whole heap of those Egyptian girls with the cool eyes."
An offer a peasant couldn't refuse perhaps? The problem was, the peasants didn't end up getting chicks and grapes, they got whipped and killed in that order, possibly in reverse. So effectively, the pyramids weren't named after their shape, they were named after the scheme that got them there, which is also shaped like a pyramid.
Hence, the creation of the pyramid scheme and me learning it myself.
Click below for a detailed and structured synopsis:
Next week, Fascism.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The Senagalian Sidestep.
Who'd have thought walking could be so difficult? Not me that's for sure, and i'm good at everything.
It all started out so innocently as well. Walking down one of the many barren streets in the City, i-pod earphone in one ear, i-pod earphone in the other and everything seemed to be in cruise control. I decided let down my social intolerance barrier in light of my current complacency.
Big mistake.
Halfway down the street i see a young man walking towards me at a very brisk pace. He had a look on his face of pure certainty of his destination but his stride gave me the complete opposite impression. Being the upstanding citizen and avoider of all unfair scenarios that i am, i kept left. Then, as if to try and bend the fabric of space, time and walkway rules, this chump starts looking at his i-pod as he approaches my radius. We're about twenty metres apart at this stage and i'm not completely concerned, just a little more alert to the implications that his ignorance could bring forward.
Ten metres and he's still looking at his i-pod. We're head to head now, almost in an unplanned game of 'chicken', only he's not as privy as i am to the awkwardness this situation could create. What do i do? Do i call out to him and tell him to stay in his lane? Do i just keep walking and hope he looks up and realises what a chump he's being and moves in the nick of time? Who's nick anyway? And why does he control time? Do i just stop in my tracks, roll my eyes and guess which way he's going to dodge and act accordingly?
Too late. Our paths have crossed and the dance off has begun.
I go left, he does the same. I know what's happening, i've been through this before. I don't move at the second phase, but neither does he. It's at this point i realise I'm dealing with a valedictorian in awkwardness. One, two seconds now. I feel like a crowd is going to circle us any moment and start chanting "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!", because that's what it looks like. I step right and he follows suit. Who follows a suit?
That's it. Before this goes any further, i'm going to have to bow out. I take an even bigger sidestep to the right and give him the "just fucking go past me please" arm gesture, similar to how a concierge shows a guest to a room, except he wants to kill them when they go to sleep that night. He accepts my invite, much to my surprise as this fascist was obviously on some kind of awkwardness payroll the way he was carrying on. I had made a new worst enemy, and i knew it wasn't over between us.
The whole ordeal lasted about half an hour and i was actually approached by several talent scouts afterwards because they liked the way i moved and were under the impression i was a professional dancer. I swiftly declined their offers and got the fuck out of there, hoping that i never have to go through such hardship again.
It all started out so innocently as well. Walking down one of the many barren streets in the City, i-pod earphone in one ear, i-pod earphone in the other and everything seemed to be in cruise control. I decided let down my social intolerance barrier in light of my current complacency.
Big mistake.
Halfway down the street i see a young man walking towards me at a very brisk pace. He had a look on his face of pure certainty of his destination but his stride gave me the complete opposite impression. Being the upstanding citizen and avoider of all unfair scenarios that i am, i kept left. Then, as if to try and bend the fabric of space, time and walkway rules, this chump starts looking at his i-pod as he approaches my radius. We're about twenty metres apart at this stage and i'm not completely concerned, just a little more alert to the implications that his ignorance could bring forward.
Ten metres and he's still looking at his i-pod. We're head to head now, almost in an unplanned game of 'chicken', only he's not as privy as i am to the awkwardness this situation could create. What do i do? Do i call out to him and tell him to stay in his lane? Do i just keep walking and hope he looks up and realises what a chump he's being and moves in the nick of time? Who's nick anyway? And why does he control time? Do i just stop in my tracks, roll my eyes and guess which way he's going to dodge and act accordingly?
Too late. Our paths have crossed and the dance off has begun.
I go left, he does the same. I know what's happening, i've been through this before. I don't move at the second phase, but neither does he. It's at this point i realise I'm dealing with a valedictorian in awkwardness. One, two seconds now. I feel like a crowd is going to circle us any moment and start chanting "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!", because that's what it looks like. I step right and he follows suit. Who follows a suit?
That's it. Before this goes any further, i'm going to have to bow out. I take an even bigger sidestep to the right and give him the "just fucking go past me please" arm gesture, similar to how a concierge shows a guest to a room, except he wants to kill them when they go to sleep that night. He accepts my invite, much to my surprise as this fascist was obviously on some kind of awkwardness payroll the way he was carrying on. I had made a new worst enemy, and i knew it wasn't over between us.
The whole ordeal lasted about half an hour and i was actually approached by several talent scouts afterwards because they liked the way i moved and were under the impression i was a professional dancer. I swiftly declined their offers and got the fuck out of there, hoping that i never have to go through such hardship again.
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