Gordon Ramsay's recipe for a good time.

Being an avid follower of all things just and awesome, i was delighted to hear of Gordon Ramsay's recent tour of Australia and resulting coverage of said tours. I've been a fan of Gordon since the original Hell's Kitchen series and his brand of ruining people's lives and swearing like a sailor with tourettes was the only reason i associated myself with commercial television between 2008 and 2009, ever. He is dashing, classy, heroic, the spearhead of the reality kitchen series movement and above all else, he will kill you.

Everything was going super good for Gordon up until recently. He was charming everyone he came into contact with and then telling them to fuck off, his numerous appearances were met with hysteria and acclaim and he was just running shit as per usual.

Enter Tracy Grimshaw.

Fact: Tracy Grimshaw is a well-known and well respected Australian television presenter who sometimes appears to have a little bit of sand in her vagina when it comes to particular matters.

Fact: Gordon Ramsay is famous not only for his cooking and swearing, but also because of the way he treats women. He straight doesn't give a fuck and everyone eats it up and complains about it at the same time because everyone is stupid.

Fact: If you were to put Tracy Grimshaw and Gordon Ramsay in a room together it would be the mathematical equivalent of letting Clark Gable loose on a Women's rights representative. There would be no survivors, no prisoners and no remorse.

Fact: Channel 9 knew this.

The second Gordon Ramsay entered the Channel 9 studios it was a one way ticket to owned town for everyone that worked there. No one was safe from his scrutiny but at the same time they all knew better than to try and step to him, therefore any resulting hurt feelings were at Channel 9's invitation. Gordon Ramsay was the victim and channel 9 knows it.

Don't believe me? Below is a picture of the exact moment Nick Coe says that Gordon Ramsay is a victim.
If that isn't a face displaying sheer sincerity and appreciation for man's sometimes unappreciative view on women then i don't know what is.

Oh wait, yes i do.
BANG!

So after expectedly attacking make-up and wardrobe for being fat and ugly, Gordon proceeded into Channel 9's interrogation chamber and was grilled by Tracy Grimshaw for a few minutes. Gordon was extremely polite and well behaved aside from a couple of cracks at her appearance.

Enter the Australian media.

Fact: The Australian media likes to blow things out of proportion and stretch scenarios out well beyond their death to postpone the workload of looking for 'actual' news.

Fact: The Australian media protects it's own, especially out of complete ignorance to the tradition of whoever it chooses to document.

Fact: The Australian media was so bored that it followed Gordon Ramsay around like a 5th grader trying to instigate a fight that has nothing to do with him. The Australian media then acts shocked when he reacts in a negative manner to being badgered.

His strength in holding back from unleashing on Channel 9's favourite daughter is something that should be applauded. Channel 9 knew he was going to come in and wreck shop, that's what he does and that's why he's famous and loved as much as he is hated. To mass badger an apology out of him for doing what he does best is no better.
Thank god the only reason he apologized is because his mum told him to. That, in my books, makes him even more fantastic than he was when he single-handedly destroyed channel 9.

Below is footage of what none of his followers ever thought they would see:



And even in the apology, Gordon manages to make a fool out of Tony Jones' intimidation techniques. His reaction when Tony requests that Gordon apologizes to the camera because Tracy is watching it is absolutely hilarious and goes to show that there is no outsmarting someone that is insulting you in his mind while you talk to him.

So here's to Gordon Ramsay and his trip to Australia. No-one learnt anything, Perth missed out on a celebrity visit for the millionth time (which is also hilarious) and Tracy Grimshaw can sleep at night knowing she isn't a lesbian.

*Update: New Poll! The previous Tip-Top poll has been sent to the necessary parties, expect a response and nothing to be done about it in a couple of weeks.

Video Game Characters Best Forgotten Part 6 or 7, i'm not sure how many i've done.

Master Onion: Parappa The Rapper

Hang on! You're an onion! WTF are you doing here? You can't rap you stupid onion! Look at you! ONIONS CAN'T RAP!
Get the fuck outta here onion! Go be in some pasta or something!

The entire Master Onion verse for proof that onions have no concept of rhyme or reason:

Hayatatatacha!

Kick! Punch! It’s all in the mind
If you wanna test me, I’m sure you’ll find
The things I’ll teach ya is sure to beat ya
But nevertheless you’ll get a lesson from teacher

Don’t get cocky, it’s gonna get rocky
We gonna move down to the next ya jockey now

Hm, yeah I see you’re gettin’ better
Kick to the limit in order to get her now

Kick, punch – Chop, block – Chop, kick – Punch, block
It’s gonna get harder now
Duck and jump – Turn and pose – Duck and turn – Jump and punch

Come on now, why don’tcha follow my words
Because we’re almost done, I’ll make it easy at first
I wanna see if you wanna see what it takes
To be the man with the master plan
Are you the man now?

Hatatatacha! That’s it for today.
Good job, Parappa, you can go on to the next stage.

....
......
........
............YOU'RE A FUCKING ONION! FUCK OFF ONION YOU CAN'T RAP FOR SHIT! YOU CAN'T EVEN STAND UP STRAIGHT SO FUCK OFF!
GO AND BE IN FOOD BECAUSE THAT'S ALL YOUR GOOD FOR AKA NOT RAPPING!!

I am a simple man, who is simply entertained.

They say small things amuse small minds, but that is not the case here, suckers.

Standing only 6" tall and weighing a solid half a kilo, my limited edition Bioshock collector's figurine has produced endless amounts of glee for my huge brain and wealth of knowledge.
So much glee in fact, that i took him down to the river for an impromptu photo shoot surrounded by his favorite chemical composition, H20. Having come straight out of the plastic, he wasn't really ready for the camera but if you'll take a look at the shots below, you definitely can't tell!

I've also attached a clip (ok, one of the greatest game intros ever conceived) displaying the sheer amazingness of this game, and the figurine in question. Watch it, then staple all of your fingers together for not owning it yet.

STM China Confidential

Where: A ditch in China.

When: Towards the end of the Qing Dinasty

Jacket: Standard Qing Dinasty issue, borrowed from a friend.

Pants: Flea Market!

Describe your style in three words: Dead, decomposed, vintage, sophisticated.

Realest shit i never wrote/not chilling in my Maybach.

"Black Maybach, white seats, black pipin'
remind me of Paul McCartney and Mike fightin"

-Jay-z - Maybach Music

"All black Maybach, i'm sittin in the asshole"

-Lil Wayne - Maybach Music 2

"Try'na hop up in this Maybach, i walk way back girl,
get up out that gear asap girl"

- Lil Wayne - Git Busy

"F to the AB, is in the May-B"

-Fabolous

"Yo Bleek, throw that ni**a in the trunk of the Maybach"

Saigon - Some song i can't remember the name of.

"When i grow up, i want to get run over by a Maybach"

-Me

Is it a fairytale? A myth? Or just a really fucking awesome car that heaps of rappers own or claim to own?

It's all three of those things and a bag of chips, bitch.

I can't remember exactly when i was first made aware of the Maybach brand, but i remember the tingle i got when it happened. It was like biting into a way hard-iced chocolate custard donut. Really powerful at first, but then sweet until the end and then powerful again.
What is this totally maxed out car that everyone talks about in their songs? Why do they treat it like some kind of holy grail?
I left it for a while, without so much as a google or wiki-wiki. After a couple of years i'd completely forgotten about the Maybach and decided to get on with my life.

Then Jay-z released a little song called 'Lost Ones' on his post-retirement album, 'Kingdom Come'. The song was ok, Chrisette Michelle's voice kind of pissed me off on the hook because she reminded me of a Missy Higgins song released around the same time that i hated.
None of that matters though. What does matter is that for the film clip Jay-z thought it would be cool to use the 9 million dollar Maybach Exelero concept car on the introduction for the clip. The battle i fought with myself for nearly two years to forget about it had been lost in 20 seconds of pure cleanliness next to godliness.
Jay-z walks out of his hotel lobby, high-fiving and hot-potatoeing everyone in his presence because he's a nice guy, and a chiller. The breezy horns of 'The Prelude' make the whole situation very sexy and somewhat uncomfortable as a male watching it. He steps outside and bang, there it is. Just parked on the curb, being the best car in the universe.

Jay-z, trying to hide the massive erection that 9 million dollars of pure genius will produce.

So i did a little more research and now i know a shit-load about this brand of car and will never learn anything else about cars ever again. Years later, Jay-z and Rick Ross collaborated on a song called 'Maybach Music', which was the best Maybach/life related song i'd ever heard. For some reason, whenever a Maybach is mentioned in a song, the beat goes totally epic and makes your heart rate all fucked. Rick Ross then went on to start his own enterprise titled 'Maybach Music'. Along his travels he decided to get a chain made with a pendant featuring the Maybach logo completely constructed with diamonds and not much else. He did the same thing with his face and he still wears it to this day.

Fast forward to the present and Maybach are still pushing boundaries and crushing all other car manufacturers with their competence. More importantly, 'Maybach Music 2' was released on Rick Ross' new album and it made me so happy that i almost cried. Ok i cried, but it wasn't about the song, it was about something else that happened at the exact moment that i heard the song.

If i get time, i'm going to set-up a paypal account for you all to donate to so i can get me that Maybach. All donations will be accepted, except for the small ones.

Actual Dream.

The setting is a barbecue in Brooklyn, New York during the 1980's crack epidemic. I'm the ONLY white person there. For some reason though, i'm chilling real hard and no-one seems to mind that i'm not meant to be there, some of the guests were even thoroughly entertained by my anecdotes and understanding of their culture.

I see a couple of suits roll in amongst the guests but i take no notice. I walk into a small room inside the house and Biggie Smalls is counting cash and just balling out by himself. I've never seen him like this, he is smiling. I say what up and he shakes my hand, passing me a feasible amount of marijuana in the process. I tell him that when he dies i want to keep his ashes in a crystal ball on my bedside table so i know everything is going to be alright. He responds not with gunshots, but with a solid "yeeeah". I exit the room in slow motion.

As i'm making my way to the back door of the house, i can see a guest arguing with one of the suits i saw earlier through the broken screen door. As the argument gets louder and more heated, i see one of the suits produce a 9mm. I've never turned around faster in my entire life. It was so fast that if there were any police officers around aside from the one outside in the suit, i'd be booked for speeding. I hear gunshots now, it was time to get the fuck up out of there. Where's my bike? I have a bike? Fuck my bike, my bike wouldn't come and get me if it was being shot at.

I can hear music now, it's like that really sickening machinery music where they make it sound all gross and heart wrenching, like a cardboard press going backwards or something. Everything is in slow motion, i haven't even gotten out of the house yet and the gunshots are drawing near. One, two, three, four. Number four strikes my hip. I hit the deck, in slow motion again. I'm blacking out now, my last ounce of reality dedicated to revealing the assailant. Everything is blurry, i see a thin figure approaching, the click of her heels replacing the faint tick of my heartbeat. She's in focus now.
No way, this isn't possible.

It's Trinity from the Matrix! I got shot by Trinity from the Matrix!

Then, as quickly as shit turned bad, everyone wakes up and the party resumes as per normal. I have no idea what is going on but i like what i'm seeing, it's a shame i have to wake up in about five seconds...

THE END, ACTUAL DREAM.

Met her last night, she shot me.

Met him last night also, he gave me weed.

Game Review: Street Fighter IV

Graphics: Err, look at that picture. 10/10 demolished eyeballs.

Sound: Again, look at the picture and imagine the sound this situation would produce. It's similar to a jet engine having sex with a martial arts grandmaster. 9/10 bleeding earlobes

Gameplay: I move joystick, character does superhuman feats and damages opponent, i just sit there. 10/10 chiropractic liasons.

Skill of opponents challenging me online every time i try and complete single player mode: Miniscule. So pathetic and puny that i can crush them every time with the tip of my pinky finger. 3/10 crying children from America, Japan, Sweden and Australia.

Overall: Somehow 10/10. This game is so hardcore amazing that it takes your washing out for you but refuses to use fabric softener on your favourite items.

Video Game Characters Best Forgotten (remembered) Pt. 3

Extremely sexual but somehow still G-rated dancing girl from the first level of Super Parodius for the SNES console.

Between the ages of eight and eight and a half, this was what i thought all girls looked like when they took their clothes off. I had no time to consider things like weight, age and skin imperfections; all i had to worry about was perfect legs, high heels and a vagina. This was easily the closest thing to porn i had at that age and the best part was, i could look at it for as long as i liked without having to quickly shove it underneath my mattress and pretend i was reading about basketball cards.
I had a-lot of trouble finishing this game as well. It's kind of hard (!) to make progress when you keep killing yourself purposely on the first level just to pop a boner again.

Buy it for me HERE.

Earth Hour 2009: Who Passed?

For the record, i didn't even know earth hour existed until it was well and truly over. It's quite safe to say that while everyone was 'saving the planet' i was playing x-box with all the lights on in the house, four lamps, an oven, two televisions, my laptop, an i-pod charger, a stereo and an electronic water purifying device. Plus, i'm house sitting for a couple of friends at the moment and was doing all of that at their houses as well.
There's always next year right?

Where i failed though, millions succeeded. Earth hour 2009 was a raging success and an A+ on the report card of a currently failing planet.
Not everybody passed though. Having seen photographic evidence of the attempts, i've gone through and highlighted everyone's mistakes for more awareness next year.











To the eighty cities that competed, good try and better luck next year!

Video Game Characters Best Forgotten Part 2.

'Voldo' from the Soul Calibur series.

I only picked this guy because he looks like the lovechild of Edward Scissorhands' lovechild between himself and a blind Donatella Versace. Aside from being one of the more formidable fighters in the game, Voldo also had the unique ability to make hand-bound spinning blades look really lame. A near imposssible feat.