The Senagalian Sidestep.

Who'd have thought walking could be so difficult? Not me that's for sure, and i'm good at everything.

It all started out so innocently as well. Walking down one of the many barren streets in the City, i-pod earphone in one ear, i-pod earphone in the other and everything seemed to be in cruise control. I decided let down my social intolerance barrier in light of my current complacency.

Big mistake.

Halfway down the street i see a young man walking towards me at a very brisk pace. He had a look on his face of pure certainty of his destination but his stride gave me the complete opposite impression. Being the upstanding citizen and avoider of all unfair scenarios that i am, i kept left. Then, as if to try and bend the fabric of space, time and walkway rules, this chump starts looking at his i-pod as he approaches my radius. We're about twenty metres apart at this stage and i'm not completely concerned, just a little more alert to the implications that his ignorance could bring forward.

Ten metres and he's still looking at his i-pod. We're head to head now, almost in an unplanned game of 'chicken', only he's not as privy as i am to the awkwardness this situation could create. What do i do? Do i call out to him and tell him to stay in his lane? Do i just keep walking and hope he looks up and realises what a chump he's being and moves in the nick of time? Who's nick anyway? And why does he control time? Do i just stop in my tracks, roll my eyes and guess which way he's going to dodge and act accordingly?
Too late. Our paths have crossed and the dance off has begun.

I go left, he does the same. I know what's happening, i've been through this before. I don't move at the second phase, but neither does he. It's at this point i realise I'm dealing with a valedictorian in awkwardness. One, two seconds now. I feel like a crowd is going to circle us any moment and start chanting "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!", because that's what it looks like. I step right and he follows suit. Who follows a suit?

That's it. Before this goes any further, i'm going to have to bow out. I take an even bigger sidestep to the right and give him the "just fucking go past me please" arm gesture, similar to how a concierge shows a guest to a room, except he wants to kill them when they go to sleep that night. He accepts my invite, much to my surprise as this fascist was obviously on some kind of awkwardness payroll the way he was carrying on. I had made a new worst enemy, and i knew it wasn't over between us.

The whole ordeal lasted about half an hour and i was actually approached by several talent scouts afterwards because they liked the way i moved and were under the impression i was a professional dancer. I swiftly declined their offers and got the fuck out of there, hoping that i never have to go through such hardship again.

How to be awkward like a champion.

We encounter awkward situations every day. Whether it be at home, in the workplace, at school or in a public toilet, awkwardness is something that cannot be avoided. Personally, i enjoy it and will sometimes travel long distances just to see an unfortunate silence or somebody tripping over.

Here are some tips on how to be awkward.

- Own people at handshakes.

The first handshake can make or break a relationship. It is the first form of contact you will make with someone you haven't met and pretty much sets the standard for all future encounters. So, instead of going in for the open palm, grasp and single shake method you should definately break into a crazy routine incorporating snaps, clicks, elbow taps and the Macarena and/or Riverdance. If you really want to make an impression, drop a quote from 'How She Move' or 'Bring it On' and tell them how much you 'brought it' and how much they didn't. Make sure it's a special handshake that you do only with your friends to add to the embarassment of the other person. Once you've lost them in your deadly array of handshake trickery, ask them if they know what's up, knowing well and clear that they don't.
Congratulations, this person will never invite you to anything.

- Be a door to door salesperson.

Walk up to a complete strangers house, knock on their door and ask them if they want to buy mobile phones or make donations to the RSPCA/WWF. Have the stranger slam the door in your face or tell you to get a real job for maximum awkwardness.

-Be a loudmouthed faggot on the train.

Make sure the train is packed. Receive a mobile phone call from your mother or ex-boyfriend (i say ex-boyfriend because it is only girls that will openly talk on the train about their relationships or failures thereof) and proceed to argue with them at maximum volume, make sure that you are being so loud and obnoxious that not only everyone on the train can hear you, but also nearby cars speeding past on the freeway. If someone looks at you cockeyed, orally blast them for not understanding your problems or apologise to them for not having a perfect life like theirs.
Pass gas whilst on the phone for a higher percentage of red faces per carriage.

- Be old or lame whilst waiting in line.

When it comes to your turn at the counter (cafe, japanese food, subway), openly complain about the last purchase you made there. Complaints such as having to wait too long in the line, your last coffee being too hot or cold or your last japanese dish being too japanese will suffice. When offered a refund or some form of reimbursement, refuse it and tell them that you only wanted to let them know. Make sure the staff member you are talking too is a junior employee that has no idea what you are talking about and is literally shitting his pants because he was never taught to cope with anally retentive shitcocks like yourself, especially at peak hour lunchtime.
Make sure you don't get tripped up or spat on by the other people in the line who have been rolling their eyes for the last fifteen minutes.

For more tips on how to be awkward, or to feel awkward yourself, visit your local centrelink. Their staff are basically proffesionals in creating or inciting awkwardness.