Saturday, March 7, 2009

The week that was...

Chris Brown goes to put his hands in his pocket, but accidentally beats the shit out of his girlfriend.

So unless you've been living under a rock surrounded by soundproof foam, underwater in the bermuda triangle wearing nothing but a blindfold, you probably heard about this. My stance on the matter is irrelevant and unless you were in the car with them at the point of impact, yours is as well. With that said, my stance on the matter is completely relevant because A). I met them and B). I took photos of them and wrote a now famous piece of literature on the experience. Was it their chance encounter with me that started a series of events that lead to Chris' unusual massage techniques on that fateful evening? Am i responsible?

No i'm not you morons! Regardless though, i've gone to the trouble of building a timeline that could help the case along so we can put this whole situation behind us.

November 11 2008. 2.30pm
I meet Rihanna and Chris Brown at my workplace because the place i work is cooler than everywhere else according to people that are considered cool by the majority of the world's population. Me and Chris discuss the pros and cons of being amazing people, Rihanna browses the store.

November 11 2008. 2.35pm
Having thrown down mighty with Chris five minutes prior, i approach him for a photo while he is buying lots of sunglasses. He declines with "not right now". All previous throwdowns are forgotten and i go back to being bitter about celebrities.

November 11 2008. 2.45pm
Having bought everything in the store (or thereabouts) Rihanna approaches the till and i request that i take photos of her holding the bags that display the name of our shop on either side for promotional and personal use only. She becomes overwhelmed with excitement at my invitation and i tell her to calm down because she's scaring the customers. Did happen.

November 11 2008. 2.50pm
Chris gets in on the photo because Rihanna looked like she really enjoyed having her picture taken by me, which she was. I post it on the internet and write a short story about it and every Chris Brown and Rihanna fansite forum member gets on my nuts for around 30 hours. My web traffic goes through the roof and i realise why it was all meant to happen.

February 8 2009.
Chris Brown offers Rihanna the hand of god. Possibly due to an argument over who looked better in the photo that i took. Chris claims the steroids made him do it and now they're getting married/are already married. The world actually stops for a solid minute and for the three weeks following the incident, news reporters, gossip columnists, fail bloggers and a bunch of other shit-kickers are all made to sign contracts. These contracts state that no news article shall be given airtime unless they include the words Chris Brown, Rihanna and 'Beat'. Michael Jackson announces a comeback tour, a 5000 year old iceman is uncovered (not related to Michael Jackson's comeback tour) and a man murders his girlfriend because he became embarassed after she rejected his proposal for marriage on live television.
None of that matters though, Chris Brown beat Rihanna in a car, so that is what we will talk about and that is what is important.

And i STILL haven't heard any of their music.

1 comment:

Scagnetti said...

I know a dude who headbutted his girlfriend.