Thursday, March 26, 2009

Things you used to be able to do, but can't anymore.

Completely mispronounce the word 'vagina'.

The existence of this mystical piece of anatomy wasn't brought to my attention until i hit about eight or nine, but please believe that when it did, me and my friends had no fucking idea how to say it.

Pah-jyn-a.
Bah-jyn-a.
Ber-jam-a.

The above was normally followed by incessant children's laughter and grounds for peeing inside pants. We didn't care though, as soon as we learnt 'cunt' in year 7 it was all on for young and old.

Be politically incorrect.

Disabled people. Differences in race/sexuality. Animals, cancer patients, fat people, ugly people. No-one is safe from a child's lack of intelligence/abundance of ignorance and if you tried address a disabled person as a 'wheeler' now, it's pretty safe to say that you may become one yourself.

Wipe your nose with the sleeve of your jumper.

Tissue paper is for two things. The removal of manure from your eternal sunshine and crybabies. When you were young and your nose was making waterfalls, the sleeve of your jumper was the only option and funnily enough, the most realistic. If anyone contested, you could either flick it at them, or paint their face.
Fun Fact: After a few days of abuse the mucus build-up would become so solid that you could build an entire go-kart using only your sleeve and some nails.

Fiddle in public.

Ever see kids just hanging out with their hands down their pants? Nothing sinister, just some quick exploration while mum pays for the shopping? If you got caught, it didn't matter because you didn't understand and as soon as the coast was clear, your hand was straight back down there. What i want to know is, why is is a federal offence if we do it post-childhood? The goal still remains, the treasure is in the same spot it always was, but for some reason the love got lost along the way and now instead of getting a literal slap on the wrist, you get done for conspiring to expose yourself to schoolgirls.

Fail.

Failure as a child is a natural occurrence. Fail at running races, fail at being smart, fail at not crying when you drop your ice-cream. It is an integral part of life's intricate learning process and a good way to find out if you're going to become a junkie or not. Fail as a child and you're met with praise, forgiveness and that whole "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" attitude that makes no sense whatsoever.
Fail now and it's all over.

In fact, if you fail in public nowadays, it's pretty much a guarantee that someone is going to see it, capture it, post it on the internet and show the world how much of a Faily Mcfailstein you are.



Where's my fucking $950 at?

4 comments:

pips said...

you wrote this right after our conversation didnt you... the last two lines... im not stupid.....

pips said...

well technically the last two lines are
"wheres my fucking $950 at?" and "mc fallstein you are", but you get my drift

Me said...

Dammit!

Ok, our conversation did inspire the last line, but that post didn't go down until a good ten hours after our chat. I had no other way of concluding this post.

pips said...

yes yes YES! i got my kruds $ by the way, expect yours soon...