Thursday, April 30, 2009

COUGH: A mini series proposal featuring subject matter based on the title.

Episode 1.

It's a Thursday night and i'm fulfilling my contractual obligations by being at work. I've been drinking water all day to try and build up my immune system for the next onslaught of government produced super-viruses and i'm craving something that isn't water. My local newsagency has closed it's doors and the only alternative is Gelare across the road. I never go to Gelare, there's always this middle-aged italian guy perched out the front between 3-5pm on weekdays wearing shades and little else. Then, when the schoolgirls start piling out, he changes his seating position to a semi-relaxed slouch with his legs more open than what is considered socially acceptable. I call it the "how bout it?" slouch. It's obscene and the schoolgirls know better than to approach Gelare between 3-5pm on weekdays.

Anyway, he's not there after 7pm so it was moderately safe, or so i thought. I walk in there and some old lady is standing behind the counter not contributing to the workplace. I lean over the register to get her attention and she reluctantly asks what i want. I ask for a can of lemonade and clearly point it out in the fridge, just in case she thinks lemonade is some kind of charity concert for less fortunate lemons. She surprisingly acknowledges my request and heads towards the fridge.

Cue cough number one

It wasn't anything life-threatening, but it let me know that her personal hygiene is the last on her list of things to take care of. It wasn't even the first cough that caught my attention. It was the lack of courtesy wipe afterward. No wipe, not even a pretend one.
This woman showed no remorse for my health or at least the protocol of the World Health Organization and I was so offended that i almost didn't notice her removing the bottle from the fridge with the same hand.
I was a little more alert now, keeping in mind that i'd have to wash the lid, my hands and my entire workspace when i got back to the shop. I watched her like a hawk as she fumbled around with the till and i began to wonder if incompetence is a mandatory trait required for employment in the half price waffle business.

Then, the second cough.

This made the first cough seem like normal human breathing. The sheer force of the second cough shook the entire building, several nearby establishments lost power and it became clear to me that this time she wasn't fucking around. It was a triple shot with hints of mucous, traces of after-steam and a total of zero apologies.
She offended senses that i didn't even know i had. She set our entire health care system back 100 years. She didn't want me alive anymore.

I thought back to my hazardous materials training in high school and realized that i didn't actually have any, so the panic really started to set in when she combined the second cough, with a lack of courtesy wipe and the exchange of moneys between her polluted hands and my virgin digits.
It was the most despicable act of ignorance i had witnessed in a few weeks and it hit really close to home. I'm normally able to watch this type of horror from the comfort of my own home via television set but the truth is, it could happen to anyone. Ignorance is everywhere and unfortunately, there are still some people out there who were taking a day off when the human decency manuscripts were being distributed.
All i can say is, be careful. I took the bottle and my change and carried it out like it was a sample of pure herpes, with the very tips of my least important fingers. I washed the lid of the bottle until it's ribbed surface area resembled that of an 8 ball, but i couldn't bring myself to drink from it. It may be $3 and my evening cigarrette down the drain, but at least i lived to bring this to your attention.

As for the change? I can only hope my $7 tip doesn't fall into the wrong hands.

Episode 2: Sporotrichosis at Subway.
Coming soon.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Try Harder.

I was reading my blog this morning and laughing my ass off as always when i came across something i haven't seen for quite some time.

It was at the bottom of my most recent post, highlighted in red as if it were some kind of obvious omen that i may have looked over these past few weeks.

'1 people actually read my blog'

1 people? What the F does that mean? Do omens have really bad english or was this just the format of correspondence my blog had chosen? My curiosity levels were maxed out and i almost passed out from the anticipation as i clicked the red text.

It read as follows:

$hcott Free said...

"Black & Red ..Wow .. Who woulda thunk it..
Kinda reminds me of the A-Team van with a lil' Night Rider thrown in".

I leant back in my blog chair, turned 30 degrees to the left and put my hands together in the same fashion a really important executive would while he's figuring out his next power move. I then put those hands under my chin for added effect.
After throwing some ideas around, i came to a conclusion. This '$chott Free' character seems to be responding to something i've written. It's like, he's read what i've written and then used the 'people actually read my blog' function to send me a message!
It was a beautiful moment. It was like all the most heart-wrenching movie conclusions had knocked on my front door and systematically punched me in the face until i couldn't take anymore.

This person was communicating with me. As it turns out, this person knows me as well.

"Black & Red ..Wow .. Who woulda thunk it.."

-This would insinuate that he knows i like the colours Black and Red, hence this being the obvious choice of colourway for my blog. "Who woulda thunk it" is like saying "i know you like that, i'm not at all surprised that you picked those colours. Keep up the good work!".

"Kinda reminds me of the A-Team van with a lil' Night Rider thrown in"

- See what he did there? Pop culture references are a commentors best friend. They make for ease of relation between the reader and the writer and also give the comment some direction and an avenue for further discussion. This is very much the perfect comment.

You see, i'm a sucker for feedback and Scott's comment could not have come at a better time.

It's like i'm standing out here, flexing my brain muscle and people are just walking past, unimpressed by what they see or occassionally stopping to steal my genius without the according thankyous. It hurts, even with a brain muscle as strong and capable as mine.

But when someone like Scott (or any of you buttkissers for that matter) leaves evidence of his visit or even some kind words of encouragement, it's the equivalent of someone walking past and saying "Hey, nice brain muscle! I bet you worked really hard to get it like that. You're the best!". To which i respond "hey! thanks heaps! i'll try even harder from now on!"

Please, don't feel obliged to leave feedback if it's too much trouble. Some people just aren't built like that and i totally understand. Always remember that every cloud has a silver lining and for everyone else, there's Mastercard.

*Scott, no homo x10 for the whole brain muscle paragraph and to everyone else, just kidding about the comment thing. But seriously, i'm not posting until i see feedback.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

New Layout.

Don't nominate me for any web design awards please. It's bad enough that blogger is free, they don't need you guys making a whole heap of noise about how good my page looks.

Video Game Characters Best Forgotten Part 6 or 7, i'm not sure how many i've done.

Master Onion: Parappa The Rapper

Hang on! You're an onion! WTF are you doing here? You can't rap you stupid onion! Look at you! ONIONS CAN'T RAP!
Get the fuck outta here onion! Go be in some pasta or something!

The entire Master Onion verse for proof that onions have no concept of rhyme or reason:


Kick! Punch! It’s all in the mind
If you wanna test me, I’m sure you’ll find
The things I’ll teach ya is sure to beat ya
But nevertheless you’ll get a lesson from teacher

Don’t get cocky, it’s gonna get rocky
We gonna move down to the next ya jockey now

Hm, yeah I see you’re gettin’ better
Kick to the limit in order to get her now

Kick, punch – Chop, block – Chop, kick – Punch, block
It’s gonna get harder now
Duck and jump – Turn and pose – Duck and turn – Jump and punch

Come on now, why don’tcha follow my words
Because we’re almost done, I’ll make it easy at first
I wanna see if you wanna see what it takes
To be the man with the master plan
Are you the man now?

Hatatatacha! That’s it for today.
Good job, Parappa, you can go on to the next stage.


Saturday, April 25, 2009

What happened?

After i cleaned the vomit from in between the keys on my laptop, i forced myself to come to terms with skateboarding's exciting new direction. Because this is actually a pro model shoe from a well-known skateboarder.

I'm sorry. I normally have a really open mind when it comes to trends or changes in climate. But this. This is flaming.

Here's why:

That's not even all the highlights. Microsoft Paint closed itself halfway through my research. I tried to open it again and a blue screen alert came up saying:

"A fatal error occurred when when this shoe was released to the public. Please delete browsing history and any indication or trace of this shoe's existence on this particular server. Windows is currently calculating whether or not you'll ever have sex again, it may take a moment".

I checked a couple of magazines and message boards to see if this was a joke or clever marketing ploy by Gravis (if you aren't familiar with Gravis, they used to make hiking boots, reef shoes and stylish alternatives to those duck-billed jock pumps) but i couldn't find any humour or underlying sarcasm.

I can't accept this. I was ok when skateboarding traded hip-hop, baggy jeans and shoes with laces for folk music, american apparel and shoes without laces. I didn't even mind that much when 40% of the tricks that used to feature in everyone's favourite videos became unacceptable to perform because Jake Phelps or -insert over-opinionated washed up skateboarder who now critics for a living- said so. Change is inevitable, life would be stale witout it, but this isn't change.
This is a leather dildo with a hole in it.

Please skateboarding, take a deep breath, remember where you came from and stop letting impressionable teenagers design your footwear.

If you can skate and then go straight to ballet lessons whilst wearing the same shoe, you need to go back to the drawing board, the drawing board of life.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I am a simple man, who is simply entertained.

They say small things amuse small minds, but that is not the case here, suckers.

Standing only 6" tall and weighing a solid half a kilo, my limited edition Bioshock collector's figurine has produced endless amounts of glee for my huge brain and wealth of knowledge.
So much glee in fact, that i took him down to the river for an impromptu photo shoot surrounded by his favorite chemical composition, H20. Having come straight out of the plastic, he wasn't really ready for the camera but if you'll take a look at the shots below, you definitely can't tell!

I've also attached a clip (ok, one of the greatest game intros ever conceived) displaying the sheer amazingness of this game, and the figurine in question. Watch it, then staple all of your fingers together for not owning it yet.

Monday, April 20, 2009

STM China Confidential

Where: A ditch in China.

When: Towards the end of the Qing Dinasty

Jacket: Standard Qing Dinasty issue, borrowed from a friend.

Pants: Flea Market!

Describe your style in three words: Dead, decomposed, vintage, sophisticated.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Realest shit i never wrote/not chilling in my Maybach.

"Black Maybach, white seats, black pipin'
remind me of Paul McCartney and Mike fightin"

-Jay-z - Maybach Music

"All black Maybach, i'm sittin in the asshole"

-Lil Wayne - Maybach Music 2

"Try'na hop up in this Maybach, i walk way back girl,
get up out that gear asap girl

- Lil Wayne - Git Busy

"F to the AB, is in the May-B"


"Yo Bleek, throw that ni**a in the trunk of the Maybach"

Saigon - Some song i can't remember the name of.

"When i grow up, i want to get run over by a Maybach"


Is it a fairytale? A myth? Or just a really fucking awesome car that heaps of rappers own or claim to own?

It's all three of those things and a bag of chips, bitch.

I can't remember exactly when i was first made aware of the Maybach brand, but i remember the tingle i got when it happened. It was like biting into a way hard-iced chocolate custard donut. Really powerful at first, but then sweet until the end and then powerful again.
What is this totally maxed out car that everyone talks about in their songs? Why do they treat it like some kind of holy grail?
I left it for a while, without so much as a google or wiki-wiki. After a couple of years i'd completely forgotten about the Maybach and decided to get on with my life.

Then Jay-z released a little song called 'Lost Ones' on his post-retirement album, 'Kingdom Come'. The song was ok, Chrisette Michelle's voice kind of pissed me off on the hook because she reminded me of a Missy Higgins song released around the same time that i hated.
None of that matters though. What does matter is that for the film clip Jay-z thought it would be cool to use the 9 million dollar Maybach Exelero concept car on the introduction for the clip. The battle i fought with myself for nearly two years to forget about it had been lost in 20 seconds of pure cleanliness next to godliness.
Jay-z walks out of his hotel lobby, high-fiving and hot-potatoeing everyone in his presence because he's a nice guy, and a chiller. The breezy horns of 'The Prelude' make the whole situation very sexy and somewhat uncomfortable as a male watching it. He steps outside and bang, there it is. Just parked on the curb, being the best car in the universe.

Jay-z, trying to hide the massive erection that 9 million dollars of pure genius will produce.

So i did a little more research and now i know a shit-load about this brand of car and will never learn anything else about cars ever again. Years later, Jay-z and Rick Ross collaborated on a song called 'Maybach Music', which was the best Maybach/life related song i'd ever heard. For some reason, whenever a Maybach is mentioned in a song, the beat goes totally epic and makes your heart rate all fucked. Rick Ross then went on to start his own enterprise titled 'Maybach Music'. Along his travels he decided to get a chain made with a pendant featuring the Maybach logo completely constructed with diamonds and not much else. He did the same thing with his face and he still wears it to this day.

Fast forward to the present and Maybach are still pushing boundaries and crushing all other car manufacturers with their competence. More importantly, 'Maybach Music 2' was released on Rick Ross' new album and it made me so happy that i almost cried. Ok i cried, but it wasn't about the song, it was about something else that happened at the exact moment that i heard the song.

If i get time, i'm going to set-up a paypal account for you all to donate to so i can get me that Maybach. All donations will be accepted, except for the small ones.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Actual Dream.

The setting is a barbecue in Brooklyn, New York during the 1980's crack epidemic. I'm the ONLY white person there. For some reason though, i'm chilling real hard and no-one seems to mind that i'm not meant to be there, some of the guests were even thoroughly entertained by my anecdotes and understanding of their culture.

I see a couple of suits roll in amongst the guests but i take no notice. I walk into a small room inside the house and Biggie Smalls is counting cash and just balling out by himself. I've never seen him like this, he is smiling. I say what up and he shakes my hand, passing me a feasible amount of marijuana in the process. I tell him that when he dies i want to keep his ashes in a crystal ball on my bedside table so i know everything is going to be alright. He responds not with gunshots, but with a solid "yeeeah". I exit the room in slow motion.

As i'm making my way to the back door of the house, i can see a guest arguing with one of the suits i saw earlier through the broken screen door. As the argument gets louder and more heated, i see one of the suits produce a 9mm. I've never turned around faster in my entire life. It was so fast that if there were any police officers around aside from the one outside in the suit, i'd be booked for speeding. I hear gunshots now, it was time to get the fuck up out of there. Where's my bike? I have a bike? Fuck my bike, my bike wouldn't come and get me if it was being shot at.

I can hear music now, it's like that really sickening machinery music where they make it sound all gross and heart wrenching, like a cardboard press going backwards or something. Everything is in slow motion, i haven't even gotten out of the house yet and the gunshots are drawing near. One, two, three, four. Number four strikes my hip. I hit the deck, in slow motion again. I'm blacking out now, my last ounce of reality dedicated to revealing the assailant. Everything is blurry, i see a thin figure approaching, the click of her heels replacing the faint tick of my heartbeat. She's in focus now.
No way, this isn't possible.

It's Trinity from the Matrix! I got shot by Trinity from the Matrix!

Then, as quickly as shit turned bad, everyone wakes up and the party resumes as per normal. I have no idea what is going on but i like what i'm seeing, it's a shame i have to wake up in about five seconds...


Met her last night, she shot me.

Met him last night also, he gave me weed.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Fuck Lobbers!

Yeah. You think you're the life of the party don't you bitch? Everything is great, even everything that sucks. It's a pity that you are what is sucking right now. Those lights you're flipping out on right now, they're actually just normal strobe lights. No-one else thinks they are as good as you do, but you don't care do you? As far as you're concerned, everyone loves you and you aren't chewing the inside of your mouth and eating your own teeth. You love everyone and the feeling is not mutual. All the guys think you're really cute as well. All unaware of your surroundings with your top undone and your skirt with a mind of it's own. Rape is cute, right?
You're having a great time and it doesn't even matter that by tomorrow morning, you'll have forgotten how to walk and will probably want to harm yourself.
Back to work on Monday then?

Meanwhile, i've eaten a bag of these fuckers and i'm ruling so hard, i can only see in centimetres.

Ever raced a Kenyan?

Ever given them advice on how to shake the really-good-at-running-and-not-much-else stereotype as you lap them? Me neither, but that's how i'm feeling right now.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Game Review: Street Fighter IV

Graphics: Err, look at that picture. 10/10 demolished eyeballs.

Sound: Again, look at the picture and imagine the sound this situation would produce. It's similar to a jet engine having sex with a martial arts grandmaster. 9/10 bleeding earlobes

Gameplay: I move joystick, character does superhuman feats and damages opponent, i just sit there. 10/10 chiropractic liasons.

Skill of opponents challenging me online every time i try and complete single player mode: Miniscule. So pathetic and puny that i can crush them every time with the tip of my pinky finger. 3/10 crying children from America, Japan, Sweden and Australia.

Overall: Somehow 10/10. This game is so hardcore amazing that it takes your washing out for you but refuses to use fabric softener on your favourite items.

Here you go.

Every time i talk about Wu-Tang with people that listen to hip-hop they get all emotional like it's some kind of exclusive cult and you can only join if you can recite all of their albums in reverse. Tell them that you'd find it a difficult task to list the their entire discography and the length of each track including the bonus and remixes and you may as well have spit on all of their siblings in order of oldest to youngest.
Still, i'll happily sit here (i blog sitting down yo!) and tell anyone reading this that i don't know all the lyrics to every Wu-Tang song ever released and i consider myself a devout follower of all things 'hip' and particularly 'hop'.
Recently, a constant trickle of new tracks from the Wu have found their way to my laptop and i have since come to appreciate their genius, accessibility and maybe even the reason their fans would take bullets for them. As a result, i am greatly anticipating the release of Raekwon's next venture 'Blood on Chef's Apron' and the second installment of the Cuban Linx saga, neither of which will be enjoyed by myself until i go back in time to re-live 'that' period in Hip-Hop. During my travels, i can only hope that i don't turn into one of those kids that acts like they weren't still being tucked into bed when the 36 Chambers dropped.

As a gift from me to you, here's my favourite two tracks out of the recent onslaught. The second one is actually from Jadakiss' new album, but features two very familiar voices.


Cartel Gathering.

Video Game Characters Best Forgotten (remembered) Pt. 3

Extremely sexual but somehow still G-rated dancing girl from the first level of Super Parodius for the SNES console.

Between the ages of eight and eight and a half, this was what i thought all girls looked like when they took their clothes off. I had no time to consider things like weight, age and skin imperfections; all i had to worry about was perfect legs, high heels and a vagina. This was easily the closest thing to porn i had at that age and the best part was, i could look at it for as long as i liked without having to quickly shove it underneath my mattress and pretend i was reading about basketball cards.
I had a-lot of trouble finishing this game as well. It's kind of hard (!) to make progress when you keep killing yourself purposely on the first level just to pop a boner again.

Buy it for me HERE.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

ApRiL FoOLz!!11 Luv FroM Perf!!

I hate when people make frivolous situations up just to accommodate a totally weak joke. pooped out an entire article about an 'urban beautification group' that managed to climb onto the top of the unnecessarily controversial convention shed and apply a popular Australian stereotype to it in an act of pure anti-establishment and rage against the machine-alism.

This article confused me so much that i had to lie down briefly after reading it. I get that it's a joke, but the grounds that the joke were made on are a joke itself. Namely, the convention centre.
Why would you draw attention to something the general population is so passionate about, get them all excited and then tell them it's an April Fool's joke? It's like kicking a disabled person in the nuts. They can't help being disabled and you're only provoking a completely predictable response. So when everyone comes to the realisation that it never actually happened, what do we get?

"Oh man, i totally fort someone had dun it! That thingz a peice of shit aneways! They shud do it now that every1 likes it!!
-Terry, noneofyafuckenbusiness!

"Well done perthnow, you have once again sold yourselves out for some attention. Keep up the sub-par journalism, maybe we'll be as good as Melbourne one day because that's what you want."
- Janine, concerned Perthian.

"I agree Terry you delighful bastard! We need little battlers like you on the frontlines to fight the war against boredom! And Janine, shut the fuck up! IF you don't like Perth, fuck off to Melbourne town where they all love the smell of their own asses!! BITCH!!
- IagreewithTerry, Armadale

"yeah! Shit fuck swearing asshole bitches with dicks fucking other bitches without consent horsefucking!! Swear on the internet you lackeys!! its only perthnow! i practice all my insults here coz ur all fucked!!
- Fuck, fuckland doin fuck all!

etc. etc.

Congratulations Perthnow, you've just taken your opinionated, argumentative readership back to the stone age and like always, you know nothing is going to be done to resolve the issue. Make a subliminal crack at the Bell Tower while you're at it and let everyone know how much you really hate this city!