STM China Confidential

Where: A ditch in China.

When: Towards the end of the Qing Dinasty

Jacket: Standard Qing Dinasty issue, borrowed from a friend.

Pants: Flea Market!

Describe your style in three words: Dead, decomposed, vintage, sophisticated.

Realest shit i never wrote/not chilling in my Maybach.

"Black Maybach, white seats, black pipin'
remind me of Paul McCartney and Mike fightin"

-Jay-z - Maybach Music

"All black Maybach, i'm sittin in the asshole"

-Lil Wayne - Maybach Music 2

"Try'na hop up in this Maybach, i walk way back girl,
get up out that gear asap girl"

- Lil Wayne - Git Busy

"F to the AB, is in the May-B"

-Fabolous

"Yo Bleek, throw that ni**a in the trunk of the Maybach"

Saigon - Some song i can't remember the name of.

"When i grow up, i want to get run over by a Maybach"

-Me

Is it a fairytale? A myth? Or just a really fucking awesome car that heaps of rappers own or claim to own?

It's all three of those things and a bag of chips, bitch.

I can't remember exactly when i was first made aware of the Maybach brand, but i remember the tingle i got when it happened. It was like biting into a way hard-iced chocolate custard donut. Really powerful at first, but then sweet until the end and then powerful again.
What is this totally maxed out car that everyone talks about in their songs? Why do they treat it like some kind of holy grail?
I left it for a while, without so much as a google or wiki-wiki. After a couple of years i'd completely forgotten about the Maybach and decided to get on with my life.

Then Jay-z released a little song called 'Lost Ones' on his post-retirement album, 'Kingdom Come'. The song was ok, Chrisette Michelle's voice kind of pissed me off on the hook because she reminded me of a Missy Higgins song released around the same time that i hated.
None of that matters though. What does matter is that for the film clip Jay-z thought it would be cool to use the 9 million dollar Maybach Exelero concept car on the introduction for the clip. The battle i fought with myself for nearly two years to forget about it had been lost in 20 seconds of pure cleanliness next to godliness.
Jay-z walks out of his hotel lobby, high-fiving and hot-potatoeing everyone in his presence because he's a nice guy, and a chiller. The breezy horns of 'The Prelude' make the whole situation very sexy and somewhat uncomfortable as a male watching it. He steps outside and bang, there it is. Just parked on the curb, being the best car in the universe.

Jay-z, trying to hide the massive erection that 9 million dollars of pure genius will produce.

So i did a little more research and now i know a shit-load about this brand of car and will never learn anything else about cars ever again. Years later, Jay-z and Rick Ross collaborated on a song called 'Maybach Music', which was the best Maybach/life related song i'd ever heard. For some reason, whenever a Maybach is mentioned in a song, the beat goes totally epic and makes your heart rate all fucked. Rick Ross then went on to start his own enterprise titled 'Maybach Music'. Along his travels he decided to get a chain made with a pendant featuring the Maybach logo completely constructed with diamonds and not much else. He did the same thing with his face and he still wears it to this day.

Fast forward to the present and Maybach are still pushing boundaries and crushing all other car manufacturers with their competence. More importantly, 'Maybach Music 2' was released on Rick Ross' new album and it made me so happy that i almost cried. Ok i cried, but it wasn't about the song, it was about something else that happened at the exact moment that i heard the song.

If i get time, i'm going to set-up a paypal account for you all to donate to so i can get me that Maybach. All donations will be accepted, except for the small ones.

Actual Dream.

The setting is a barbecue in Brooklyn, New York during the 1980's crack epidemic. I'm the ONLY white person there. For some reason though, i'm chilling real hard and no-one seems to mind that i'm not meant to be there, some of the guests were even thoroughly entertained by my anecdotes and understanding of their culture.

I see a couple of suits roll in amongst the guests but i take no notice. I walk into a small room inside the house and Biggie Smalls is counting cash and just balling out by himself. I've never seen him like this, he is smiling. I say what up and he shakes my hand, passing me a feasible amount of marijuana in the process. I tell him that when he dies i want to keep his ashes in a crystal ball on my bedside table so i know everything is going to be alright. He responds not with gunshots, but with a solid "yeeeah". I exit the room in slow motion.

As i'm making my way to the back door of the house, i can see a guest arguing with one of the suits i saw earlier through the broken screen door. As the argument gets louder and more heated, i see one of the suits produce a 9mm. I've never turned around faster in my entire life. It was so fast that if there were any police officers around aside from the one outside in the suit, i'd be booked for speeding. I hear gunshots now, it was time to get the fuck up out of there. Where's my bike? I have a bike? Fuck my bike, my bike wouldn't come and get me if it was being shot at.

I can hear music now, it's like that really sickening machinery music where they make it sound all gross and heart wrenching, like a cardboard press going backwards or something. Everything is in slow motion, i haven't even gotten out of the house yet and the gunshots are drawing near. One, two, three, four. Number four strikes my hip. I hit the deck, in slow motion again. I'm blacking out now, my last ounce of reality dedicated to revealing the assailant. Everything is blurry, i see a thin figure approaching, the click of her heels replacing the faint tick of my heartbeat. She's in focus now.
No way, this isn't possible.

It's Trinity from the Matrix! I got shot by Trinity from the Matrix!

Then, as quickly as shit turned bad, everyone wakes up and the party resumes as per normal. I have no idea what is going on but i like what i'm seeing, it's a shame i have to wake up in about five seconds...

THE END, ACTUAL DREAM.

Met her last night, she shot me.

Met him last night also, he gave me weed.

Fuck Lobbers!

Yeah. You think you're the life of the party don't you bitch? Everything is great, even everything that sucks. It's a pity that you are what is sucking right now. Those lights you're flipping out on right now, they're actually just normal strobe lights. No-one else thinks they are as good as you do, but you don't care do you? As far as you're concerned, everyone loves you and you aren't chewing the inside of your mouth and eating your own teeth. You love everyone and the feeling is not mutual. All the guys think you're really cute as well. All unaware of your surroundings with your top undone and your skirt with a mind of it's own. Rape is cute, right?
You're having a great time and it doesn't even matter that by tomorrow morning, you'll have forgotten how to walk and will probably want to harm yourself.
Back to work on Monday then?



Meanwhile, i've eaten a bag of these fuckers and i'm ruling so hard, i can only see in centimetres.

Ever raced a Kenyan?

Ever given them advice on how to shake the really-good-at-running-and-not-much-else stereotype as you lap them? Me neither, but that's how i'm feeling right now.

Game Review: Street Fighter IV

Graphics: Err, look at that picture. 10/10 demolished eyeballs.

Sound: Again, look at the picture and imagine the sound this situation would produce. It's similar to a jet engine having sex with a martial arts grandmaster. 9/10 bleeding earlobes

Gameplay: I move joystick, character does superhuman feats and damages opponent, i just sit there. 10/10 chiropractic liasons.

Skill of opponents challenging me online every time i try and complete single player mode: Miniscule. So pathetic and puny that i can crush them every time with the tip of my pinky finger. 3/10 crying children from America, Japan, Sweden and Australia.

Overall: Somehow 10/10. This game is so hardcore amazing that it takes your washing out for you but refuses to use fabric softener on your favourite items.

Here you go.

Every time i talk about Wu-Tang with people that listen to hip-hop they get all emotional like it's some kind of exclusive cult and you can only join if you can recite all of their albums in reverse. Tell them that you'd find it a difficult task to list the their entire discography and the length of each track including the bonus and remixes and you may as well have spit on all of their siblings in order of oldest to youngest.
Still, i'll happily sit here (i blog sitting down yo!) and tell anyone reading this that i don't know all the lyrics to every Wu-Tang song ever released and i consider myself a devout follower of all things 'hip' and particularly 'hop'.
Recently, a constant trickle of new tracks from the Wu have found their way to my laptop and i have since come to appreciate their genius, accessibility and maybe even the reason their fans would take bullets for them. As a result, i am greatly anticipating the release of Raekwon's next venture 'Blood on Chef's Apron' and the second installment of the Cuban Linx saga, neither of which will be enjoyed by myself until i go back in time to re-live 'that' period in Hip-Hop. During my travels, i can only hope that i don't turn into one of those kids that acts like they weren't still being tucked into bed when the 36 Chambers dropped.

As a gift from me to you, here's my favourite two tracks out of the recent onslaught. The second one is actually from Jadakiss' new album, but features two very familiar voices.

Wu-ooh.

Cartel Gathering.

Video Game Characters Best Forgotten (remembered) Pt. 3

Extremely sexual but somehow still G-rated dancing girl from the first level of Super Parodius for the SNES console.

Between the ages of eight and eight and a half, this was what i thought all girls looked like when they took their clothes off. I had no time to consider things like weight, age and skin imperfections; all i had to worry about was perfect legs, high heels and a vagina. This was easily the closest thing to porn i had at that age and the best part was, i could look at it for as long as i liked without having to quickly shove it underneath my mattress and pretend i was reading about basketball cards.
I had a-lot of trouble finishing this game as well. It's kind of hard (!) to make progress when you keep killing yourself purposely on the first level just to pop a boner again.

Buy it for me HERE.

ApRiL FoOLz!!11 Luv FroM Perf!!

I hate when people make frivolous situations up just to accommodate a totally weak joke. Perthnow.com.au pooped out an entire article about an 'urban beautification group' that managed to climb onto the top of the unnecessarily controversial convention shed and apply a popular Australian stereotype to it in an act of pure anti-establishment and rage against the machine-alism.

This article confused me so much that i had to lie down briefly after reading it. I get that it's a joke, but the grounds that the joke were made on are a joke itself. Namely, the convention centre.
Why would you draw attention to something the general population is so passionate about, get them all excited and then tell them it's an April Fool's joke? It's like kicking a disabled person in the nuts. They can't help being disabled and you're only provoking a completely predictable response. So when everyone comes to the realisation that it never actually happened, what do we get?

"Oh man, i totally fort someone had dun it! That thingz a peice of shit aneways! They shud do it now that every1 likes it!!
-Terry, noneofyafuckenbusiness!

"Well done perthnow, you have once again sold yourselves out for some attention. Keep up the sub-par journalism, maybe we'll be as good as Melbourne one day because that's what you want."
- Janine, concerned Perthian.

"I agree Terry you delighful bastard! We need little battlers like you on the frontlines to fight the war against boredom! And Janine, shut the fuck up! IF you don't like Perth, fuck off to Melbourne town where they all love the smell of their own asses!! BITCH!!
- IagreewithTerry, Armadale

"yeah! Shit fuck swearing asshole bitches with dicks fucking other bitches without consent horsefucking!! Swear on the internet you lackeys!! its only perthnow! i practice all my insults here coz ur all fucked!!
- Fuck, fuckland doin fuck all!

etc. etc.

Congratulations Perthnow, you've just taken your opinionated, argumentative readership back to the stone age and like always, you know nothing is going to be done to resolve the issue. Make a subliminal crack at the Bell Tower while you're at it and let everyone know how much you really hate this city!

My new favourite pastime.

When you are killed in a round of Gears of War multiplayer, you are given the convenient option of ghosting around the place and taking killersweet action shots of your teammates and the scenery. You can then upload them to your windows live account and if you are especially smart, you can caption them with your own witty retorts.

These are their stories.