Monday, May 25, 2009


I'm not the most patriotic of souls i'll admit. That's not because i live in Australia though, if i lived anywhere on this Earth i still wouldn't be waving flags around on particular dates of painting or my face like an asshole. The only way you'd find me pumping national anthems out of my car and drinking copious amounts of alcohol to celebrate my country is if i lived in Antarctica because Antarctica is awesome. There's ice everywhere. There's no traffic. You get to go ice skating with polar bears and other mythical creatures and you get to wear Winter fashion all year round. It's just the best place in the world and the only continent worthy of ever having a documentary made in it's honour, unlike everywhere else.

Currently though, i live in Australia. Our national anthem is about droughts and the sun and working hard but it might as well be the Qantas theme song. We are known for being able to drink shitloads of alcohol, ride kangaroos, bash other countries and religiously watch a sport that requires it's participants to pick up balls, kick them and then do the same thing to the respective faces of the opposing team members. Complimentary crystal meth is supplied at the end of each game followed by parents pushing their kids to chase their own lost fantasies.
I'm sorry, no more football bashing. I actually watched a game the other day and it was very entertaining up until the point i realised that there were no hot cheerleaders or nurses and the halftime show involved an old man talking about war and saying sorry to aboriginals.

As of yesterday the inundation of absolutely ridiculous news articles concerning our country hit the point where i felt the need to complain about it on my blog. It seems as though Australia is going through some tough times at the moment and i'm not talking about the recession either. Actually, i am talking about a recession, but it's more of a mental recession where brain power is scarce and no one can find jobs because they're stupid.

Here's what's been going on in Australia lately.

- Google NRL, get group sex.
Another of our national sports that hardly anyone pays any attention to has found fame out of it's most recent controversy, group sex for team motivation. I actually don't have a problem with this. If a bunch of guys want to stand around waiting to smash some bimbo who was obviously after some local celebrity dick to motivate themselves then go for it. I do have a problem with the entire country condemning any form of sex-related team seminars out of one side of it's mouth and then promoting the crushing of skulls, the drinking of locally produced rum and prophylactics out of the other side.

- King's cross attention seeker makes up a recollection, says 'wog' about a thousand times and becomes a national hero.

Click the header if you haven't witnessed the shitness yet. It doesn't matter how she tries to twist it now. This girl is the product of one and a half pingers, an industrial sized can of spray tan and some good old A-grade Australian ignorance to racism. She's now arguing that 'wog' isn't as racist as it is affectionate. Bitch, there is no way that the word 'wog' has officially become a safe alternative to 'italian' or even 'guy'. It's pretty simple what happened. She saw the camera, realized that it was her least favorite nationality involved in the dispute and used it as a chance to generalize their entire race in a spout of lies and extremely poor gun impersonations. I can see the slogan t-shirts rolling out of the factory already, "we promote multiculturalism here in Australia, come over and see our wogz!"

On a side note, something good did come out of this bitch's fifteen seconds of anti-fame and that is more motivational posters. To me, motivational posters are the epitome of the perfect joke.

- Kyle Sandilands and Dave Hughes battle it out via Twitter.
Seriously. I read this morning that the radio shock-jock Kyle Sandilands and actual comedian Dave Hughes are beefing over the latest craze in social networking, Twitter.
How do these two even have a Twitter account? Firstly, Kyle Sandilands is the WORST. The guy just flops around the place saying shit that he thinks is going to be controversial and gain him some respect for having a left-of-field opinion when all he does is come off as a talentless portion of excrement. What's that Kyle? You say what everyone is thinking? No you don't. If you said what everyone was thinking then you would be dead because you would have killed yourself because everyone wishes you were dead and that's why you have to hire 24 hour security to protect your sweaty self.
Dave Hughes on the other hand thinks that his buddy Rove's show is better than Kyle's! Oh no! Who gives a flying fuck! Both radio shows are completely lame in their own respect with the same G-rated pokes at modern society followed by music that makes me want to harm myself. Both of these guys need to address their deep seeded inferiority issues and cease using twitter to hide the fact that they're too pussy to fight in real life or find another way to promote their stale humor.

Here is a picture of Kyle Sandilands twitter account with some commentary. Click for instant enlargement.

- W.A finally gets the swine flu, abolishes daylight savings.
Once again Western Australia is showing it's square side by receiving the swine flu a good month after everyone else. I'm quite sure that had it not been the Fremantle Dockers that were potentially infected, it would have been another couple of months before everyone gave a shit about it.
As for the whole daylight savings thing, i consider us lucky for even having it as long as we did. Look at it this way: W.A complaining about daylight savings is like the freak inbred kid that lives in a cage under the staircase complaining about the abundance of fish heads in his dinner, when in reality, he's lucky to be getting dinner at all.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I got served.

First of all, i'd like to let you all know how happy i am that it shitted down with rain this morning. There's only so much sun in your face 26ยบ let's all be too warm to do anything strenuous but too cold to do anything to cancel out the warmth that a sane man can handle. At least when it's Winter i can get my James Pond license to chill on (made it up just then, don't steal my shit) and actually do what i was designed for, which is pretty much nothing and video games.

Anyway, i've been building up this totally sweet coin collection over the past few weeks. Not those amateur vintage/overseas coins that you're thinking of either. I'm talking Australian currency in the form of five and ten cent pieces aka the real shit. It was only when i was admiring my stirling collection the other day that i realized it could be used for a greater good, namely wealth beyond my wildest fantasies. All this time the Commonwealth Bank next to my work has been utilizing the most futuristic coin counting technology known to man and i was sitting there not utilizing it. I decided it was time to make some millions ($31.55).

Now you all know that i'm an absolute sucker for good customer service. Nothing makes me happier than walking into a store, getting whatever shit it is that i need to get, being served with a smile and maybe even some advice (not too much though, you'll ruin my day otherwise) and being allowed to leave at my own leisure without having to deal with some a-hole trying to upsell me some junk that i don't need or incompetence behind a till. The Commonwealth bank are a pretty good example of this mantra and i've never had any qualms with them or their respective employees. This morning however, was a very different experience. It was like they'd taken my mantra, pumped half a wheely bin full of steroids into it and let it roam free throughout their conveniently located branches.

I was the first customer there and witnessed my first ever ceremonial bank door unlocking without having to risk getting trampled by dole bludgers and senior citizens. The woman that opened the door expectedly made reference to the weather and i agreed with her because she was right, it was cold and rainy. Ten points for observational referencing. Everyone in the bank laughed like it was the most hilarious thing ever and i started to feel ultra awkward.
I slowly made my way to the coin counter and this lady comes out of nowhere and ambush serves me like i was trying to steal her eggs. It was the scariest approach to customer interaction i have ever experienced. I thought i was ready for it too. I've dealt with this before and just as i started getting back into my comfort zone she starts blasting me about how to use the coin counter, asking if i've ever used a coin counter, if i was a member of the commonwealth bank and then finished her onslaught with a comment on how awesome my coin tin was, which it is. I'm standing there like, how do i end this relationship? Do i tell her straight out to leave me alone or do i let her down softly and ask her to get me some home loan pamphlets? Will she notice if i just flat out ignore her?
At this point, i'm freaking out a little. The two girls at the tellers are looking at me like i should know what i'm doing and possibly laughing at my situation. I nervously poured my coins into the shaft (*) and focused so hard on the counter display that the super service girl got the message and walked off. I was free, for now.

The coin counter is awesome by the way. It's reasonably quiet and it counted about 700g of change in about 45 seconds. Even though it was the most intense 45 seconds of my life, the coin counter made the whole scenario a-lot more efficient and i recommend it to those that haven't used one yet.

I took my coin voucher to the counter and the tellers are both super smiling at me. It was like i'd just bought them both new coats, taken them out for dinner in said coats and then come to visit them the next morning to see how their new coats were going. That awkwardness that dissappeared earlier was slowly making it's way back up my spine. I was ready to leave now. The teller handed me my millions ($31.55) and then blankly stared at me and said "i hope our service has been 10/10 today".
I couldn't believe it. Commonwealth Bank were now requesting that their employess have the customers rate their experience on a 1-10 format with 1 being what i just went through and 10 being a gametraders transaction. I was so dumbfounded that i couldn't even respond. I looked like a jerk, but i didn't have time to be self-conscious. I pretty much ran out of the bank, dodging thank-you's, goodbye's and tea offers like it was the vietnam war of manners. I leapt out of the sliding door as it opened, fell down the stairs and ended up halfway between the soaking wet footpath and the road. Passers-by looked on as if i'd just been beaten by a gang of psychologists but the truth of the matter was, i just got served. I took a deep breath and turned around to the bank. They were all standing at the door staring at me, smiling but not really smiling. It was the most bullshit freakiest thing i have ever seen and was only punctuated by the fact that some of their eyes were glowing.
I had escaped though and was now free to spend my money on spinach and pastry. If any of you want to learn how to make amazing pie, let me know. I'm sure most of you are aware of my capabilities in the realm of online recipes.

*I can't even type the word 'shaft' anymore without feeling the need to disclaim it.

P.S. I may have fabricated some of that story.

Monday, May 18, 2009

R.I.P Wayman Tisdale.

Wayman was one of my favorite suns players back in the day. I used to make a conscious effort to horde his basketball cards because the Barkleys were always so hard to find. Below is a chronological collage in dedication of his memory.


Monday, May 11, 2009

Music reviews with chocolate comparisons.

DJ Green Lantern presents: Lights Out.

Following on from my Wu-Tang rant a couple of weeks back, i recently acquired Method and Red's prelude to the Blackout 2, titled 'Lights Out'. I'll be honest, i still haven't gone back through their catalogue so i can recite lyrics in peoples faces or whatever, but this new shit only adds to the inspiration for me to do so.
UGK make an appearance on 'city lights' and Meth and Red act accordingly on some southern swang music all about, well, city lights. 'A yo' is my other favorite track on this tape and reminds me of the Ghostface/Nate Dogg assisted 'ooh wee' from a while back. Play it at a party and watch everyone start subconsciously pouring moet everywhere and dancing like they know how to.

Chocalate Bar rating: Snickers snack size. Grimey, short and sweet.

Eminem: Relapse.
Ahh, yes, the great white hope. Having listened to this album a couple of times through, it's become evident that Eminem could actually rap someone to death. Sure his subject matter might be questionable at times and his prolonged hiatus had everyone doubting his ability and dedication to the game but this album is complete and utter genius from beginning to end. Dr. Dre supplies a-lot of the beats and Em sounds just as comfortable rapping about incest, molestation and Mariah Carey as he did back in the early 2000's. On a side note, he disses Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey in the same verse and now Nick Cannon is getting all hot-headed and acting like Mariah isn't the hallway that Em claims her to be.

Chocolate Bar rating: Full size Boost Bar. Complete, a little hard to swallow sometimes and guaranteed to leave you feeling shaky yet satisfied.

Cam'ron: Crime Pays.

Some girls say i'm the cutest,
i'ma say that i'm the rudest,
meditate, like a buddhist,
expose em' like a nudist,
i'm jesus, they judas,
my diamonds, the bluest,
got the answers, they clueless,
Ashanti, foolish,
i'm with a stewardess, mommy say a flight attendant,
called her a stupid bitch, sorry, nah i might of meant it,
see i'm type to mention, phone bill i might of spent it,
but i got it back right back, yeah yeah my life is splendid

This is the most entertaining album to ever grace my itunes library, aside from any other Cam'ron album. The only reason i am constantly in awe of Cam's lyrics is because he follows the exact same rhyme pattern on every song and then throws in a completely unassociated actor or celebrity to add clout to his claims. Sometimes he even makes up words in the middle of his verses just so he can string another twenty lines together! It's hilarious, especially when coupled with the obnoxious beats he raps over that normally contain trace elements of Opera and playschool theme songs.

Chocolate Bar rating: Butterfinger. A largely obnoxious, over-produced, guilty pleasure.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Interview with a vagina.

I like to keep it pretty family oriented here at TrulyHeinous but unfortunately it would be ignorant to think that there isn't a 7-15 year old that hasn't seen the above picture (minus the super witty Agro censor badge).
Yes, i'm talking about the whole 'Cassie shows where she multiplies to get publicised' scenario and if you weren't aware of it, be sure to say hello to everyone in your retirement village for me because you're clearly old or ignorant. Here's the 411 for the underground heads.

A few days ago some naughty photos of the ever-aspiring r&b songstress, Cassie Ventura, were 'leaked' on the internet as a form of revenge (publicity) from a yet to be named ex-boyfriend (publicist). The photos spread like any other photo of a naked celebrity in career-compromising positions and now everyone in the world can claim that they've been to third base with a semi-famous r&b diva. They can also claim that they've had P-Diddy's seconds, which is a feat that every male will aspire to at one or more stages of his life.
Not only is Cassie aware of the humiliation, but she responded to it via her twitter page saying "someone has hacked my computer blah blah blah foul and indecent blah blah blah don't act like you ain't seen a titty before". This was possibly before she realized the above photo was also being circulated, minus the witty Agro censor badge.

Amongst all the madness TrulyHeinous wasn't able to catch Cassie for an interview but instead, i was able to correspond via email with the star of the show, her vagina. For protection, the vagina can't be named and will therefore be referred to under the alias 'Delilah'.

First of all Delilah, i can't say that i'm a huge fan due to being unaware of any previous work of yours, but i can definitely say that you have an ever-growing male fan base where i live and probably everywhere else by this stage.
Thanks! I've never been down under before, i've met a few people from Australia and they were awesome!

Indeed. So let's run through the past week. How does it feel to go from local notoriety to superstardom in a matter of hours?
Well, it's a little crazy to be honest. Cassie and I have always been on the cusp of that particular level of fame, but we've only just recently sat back and thought "wow, we're actually here!". Obviously the circumstances weren't ideal but now that i'm out there, i'm loving every minute of it.

So it wasn't a publicity stunt by Cassie? Everyone knows Cassie's album is coming out soon. You don't feel like you're being used at all?
How am i being used if i'm enjoying the fame as much as she is?

So it was leaked in pursuit of publicity?
Look, let's keep it real here. If you'd been a work in progress for the last five years and were slowly becoming more known for the celebrities you'd slept with than the music you'd made, what would you do?

Good question. I'd probably do some vocal training and not sleep with celebrities.
Yeah, well, we don't have time for that. My time to shine is now.

What about Rhianna's delilah? Do you feel that she's riding your coat tails, or was it out of pure coincidence that you both popped up at the same time.
Coincidence? I love Rhianna's work, i really do. But if she's thinking of comparing herself to me and Cassie. Well, let's just say that i have a beatdown sandwich on the kitchen table just waiting to be served.

You're obviously very passionate about what you do. What exactly is it that you do?
Well, a normal day entails just sitting around being hidden away by Cassie. Occasionally i'll interview prospective managers and other staff and pose for some photos, but aside from that i'm very behind the scenes.

Not so much now though.
That's right. We're in talks about me doing an album cover.

I mean, why not right?

Yeah, why not put a vagina on the cover of a debut album? Everyone's seen it already, right?
Exactly. The way i see it. Cassie needs to capitalize on this situation. I'm out there right now, doing the rounds on an international mainframe. I'm the most recognizable reproductive organ in the game at the moment. I'm craving some utilization.

And have you met any other celebrity organs as a result?
I don't kiss and tell. Me and Sean's diddy have been hanging out a bit.

Alright, we should probably rap it up about now, my girlfriend doesn't really like the idea of me interviewing a vagina.
Any last words? Can you sum the situation up for us?
Gladly. People have to understand that after all the publicity and ex-boyfriend rumours and whatnot, it's all pretty innocent. I mean, it's all been done before. Salma Hayek, Angelina Jolie, Mark Wahlberg, Janet Jackson. Where would these names be without getting their Delilah's out? At the end of the day, i'm the most wonderful thing on God's green earth. I'm the reason men go out and get jobs, buy nice clothes, cars, dinner, houses, toothbrushes and furniture. I'm the reason women expect men to do all these things. In fact, you could safely say that i'm the centre of the universe right now, but i'm never going to let the fame get to my head (?), you have to stay humble in this business.

Wise words.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Small things amuse monolithic minds.

I was playing my favorite game of all time this year just now when at the end of one of my hard fought battles the above score was awarded to me.
To the malinformed and misnutritioned, the highlighted number above reads one thousand three hundred and thirty seven.

To those in the know, it means that for about 8 seconds, i was the champion of the universe and the winner of all things competitive.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I have to stop doing these posts.

The headline for this ninemsn article reads 'Invisible Art turns heads' and is all about realizing your dreams and making invisible cars and whatnot. I'll admit that it was a pretty touching story as well.

Look at the size of those glasses though. I haven't even enhanced them on Microsoft Paint.

The headline should actually read: Girl completely overshadows near impossible achievement by wearing sunglasses that could shade an entire Somalian village and even some animals as well, given the somalians haven't killed all the animals for shade already.

Is Somalia even hot? I don't know anything about the world. If you asked me what an equator was i'd probably change the subject.