Thursday, January 8, 2009

F-Grade Celebrities call it quits, Australia gets a boner.

"Another pair of Big Brother love birds have called it quits".
Translation: Two people that no-one cares about are at the stage now where their relationship status is a news article. Thanks to Big Brother, we are now privy to the exciting and inspiring world that these two have created for themselves. They broke up! What crazy adventures will they get up to next!?

"Bree Amer and Bodie Czeladka announced their split on Facebook last Friday, the Courier Mail reports".
Translation: This news was made official on a social networking website, someone freaked out about it so much that they felt the need to tell the nearest online newspaper.

"Czeladka, an underwear model and electrical designer, is best remembered for walloping host Gretel Killeen in the head with a rubber chicken during the 2007 finale".
Translation: Hey everyone! Come and look at how accomplished this guy is! Why would anyone want to break up with him! He hit Gretel Killeen in the head with a rubber chicken for crying out loud, the guy is practically a genius! Only hot in underwear as well!

Seriously ninemsn, step your fucking game up. Not only is this not news, but it promotes failure at such explicit levels that i feel like i need to go through high school again just to cleanse myself. What have any of these people ever done to justify a bulletin on Australia's most viewed NEWS site about their break-up?
Big Brother? Wow!
As far as achievents on television go, Bree coined the punishable-by-death phrase, "Game on Moles" and now peroxide blonde haired highschool dropout hairdressers with fake breasts have something to say when they are arguing with their friends! I've heard females say this in public and believe me, it makes me want to cut off my penis and surgically attach it to their foreheads to symbolise both my loss of faith in females and the fact that they are indeed, dickheads. She also co-hosted a program dedicated to funny youtube clips that you can watch on your computer.
As for Bodie, well, his list of achievements warranting mass news coverage extend as far as not winning Big Brother 2007, dating Bree Amer, who also failed at Big Brother and doing that whole fedora and wayfarer thing that everyone does these days.
So kudos to you ninemsn for keeping me up to date with the lives of such interesting people. To save you the time and effort for next time here are some predictions for this year.
1. Big Brother Celebrity A will co-host a music awards show. They'll make reference to a Big Brother event and the crowd will applause accordingly. I'll die a little inside.
2. Another Big Brother evictee will become exhausted or even close to death, possibly due to a drug overdose whilst promoting themselves and a shitty radio station at a shitty festival surrounded by shitty people. Hundreds of Big Brother fans will pray at night, whilst babies all over the world are orphaned by anti-government militants and assholes in general.
3. Big Brother will be back in 2009 with a 'CRAZY NEW FORMULA NEVER BEFORE SEEN FIRST TIME ON TELEVISION' format that will suck so much collective ass and nuts, Gretel Killeen will come back from the dead and haunt everyone a la Samara from The Ring, only less attractive.


Scagnetti said...

Email this to ninemsn dude.

Niki said...

Big ups for walloping Gretel though! I've been longing to smack her with a rubber chicken for years.