Saturday, January 3, 2009

2008: A series of unfortunate space oddyseys.

Considering that i pretty much completely documented the entire year (starting February) in such intricate and explosive detail, there's not much point in me doing a best of end of the year post, is there?

Best Blog? Truly Heinous.

Best News Site? Truly Heinous.

Hungry Jack's win a date with an Eagles player for best coverage of Ben Cousin's downfall award? Truly. Motherfucking. Heinous.

So instead of ending the year with big-headed antics and a highly accurate allocation of website awards, i've decided to provide you with a look back into all the other little things that made the year so special, in the form of a 'Best of 2008' post. I've never done one before, so i'm pretty pumped. Plus, I just drank 1 litre of artificial energy so that may be contributing to my abnormal heart rate and general excitedness.

Xbox Game of the Year

I played a shitload of videogames this year, and rightly so. With so many amazing releases and residence in a city where there is always nothing to do, i clocked some serious hours on the old 360, but no game took more of my time than Bioshock.
I'm not going to sit here and masturbate over the storyline and the gameplay because quite frankly, you can go to and get a proper review over there. But seriously, you run around killing mentally unstable civilians with guns and a mutant left hand capable of all sorts of crazy powers, all whilst strategically placed gramophones fill the air with creepy 1950's croonery. It's enough to make you a loner.

Snes Game of the Year

I was so good at this game back in 1993 that my best friend had a birthday party and the theme was all the guests had to watch me play it. Fifteen years later, i found the game at the un-offical shop of the year (Gametraders) and it turns out that i'm still really good at it. Have fun trying to find it, because you won't.

Gamecube Game of the Year

Yeah i know it didn't come out this year, but i don't really give a shit. My gamecube didn't get much of a workout in 2008, but you can bet that when it did, RE4 was the main course. I haven't even finished it yet because the part i'm at is way too scary, the only way i'll play it again is if i can somehow set the game up outside in the sunshine with heaps of strong people around so i feel safe.

Best Awkward Moment

Sarah Palin's entire campaign was easily the hardest, most awkward few months of my 2008. Every time she left the podium or press conference, comedians worldwide would rejoice at the weeks of material she'd just provided them with. She's kind of hot as well so it made the whole scenario much harder to deal with.

Album of the Year

Fuck this album is amazing. Again, i don't want to write a review but out of all the official releases and quality music that came out this year, nothing had more listenability and replay value than White Van Music. It's features an all star cast, the cover doesn't suck and it came out in both instrumental and clean form so i can play it at work without having to fake cough every time an expletive occurs.

Mixtape of the Year.

This was definately a high note on the Clipse's rap sheet. Sandman and coke rap over the best beats of last year ensured that you looked like a G when you played it in the whip. We won't talk about the Re-up album that followed because, well, it was terrible.

Mixtape of the Year Part 2.

I'll admit i was a bit of a new jack when it came to Royce Da 5'9, i'd only heard his name here and there in affiliation with Eminem and the Detroit rap scene. Now, after the Bar Exam 2, it's safe to say that i've reached crazed schoolgirl status whenever i hear Royce rap. He mentions names in his songs with no remorse, he drinks a shitload of alcohol and every line he spits will take a good four or five listens before you manage to individually recognize every metaphor, simile and double entendre that features within it.

.....Album of the year Part 2

I heard this before i saw the movie and it was only when i'd actually sat down and watched the movie that i realized how conceptually genius the American Gangster album was. It's a new Jay-z album in which he reminisces about his drug dealing days whilst simultaneously advertising the American Gangster film, which features Denzel Washington's character living through and ultimately reminiscing about his drug dealing days. Plus, it was the first time that Jay-z and Lil Wayne had ever officially collaborated, which is enough to cause babies on the spot.

Hip-hop quotable of the year

"She touched it in Miami" - Max B

This is the title of a Max B song. Max B is the most entertaining rapper in the game right now and he always talks about how 'wavy' everything is. He also made a song called 'Tsunami' and goes by the alias 'Wavy Crockett' or 'Silver Surfer'. Max B is wavy.

Sweet new rap group of the year award.

If you haven't heard 'Slaughterhouse' yet, i'll write something about you being asleep or getting a late pass. Royce da 5'9, Joe Budden, Crooked I and Joell Ortiz got together last year in a mission to save the game, similar to what a memory card does only with much more swearing and quotables. The result is a ridiculous verse-by-verse competition in which they all try to outdo each-other and i win just by listening to it. Now all they need to do is release more than two songs in one year.

Happiest moment of 2008

It was a close call between this and Ben Cousins moving over East, but i feel Obama's victory is a little more relevant and deserving of the award. The 2008 presidential election was the first election i'd ever followed and when i saw Mr. Obama grace the world stage and proceed to belt out the most inspirational speech i'll probably ever see, it made me proud to be an Australian that regrets not being born in America.

Most irritating human trait of 2008

There's a-lot of stuff that pisses me off. Hell, i pretty much go through every day complaining to myself about every little thing that goes wrong and why God hates me. "Of course that would fall off the table, of course when i pick it up my jeans would fall over my shoe the wrong way, of course when i go to fix my jeans they won't go back the way i want them, oh great, of course while i'm fixing my jeans that fucking piece of shit would fall off the table again". Well, that's nothing compared to how much i hate people that can't walk at the same speed that i walk at. It's like driving, if you're going too slow, you get flipped off, sworn at and eventually pulled over. Why should it be any different for something people do just as often? I just can't wait until the day we all have to migrate somewhere and you realise that all these years of pissing me off has now resulted in you being left behind, and when your bones are being picked clean by the vultures (we're in the desert), i'll be the first one there to tell you that's what you get for walking so slow.

Best Television personality of 2008.

Not only does this commercial prove the theory of evolution, but also that one minute and thirty seconds of this made me happier than Channel 10's entire year of premiering god-awful shows and having to cancel them after one season.

Energy drink of the Century (2008).

"The last time i saw the word 'Samedi' was on the character select screen of the critically acclaimed Nintendo 64 game, Goldeneye. I never picked him for battle because he wore a top hat and whilst it was infinitely stylish, you'd be more visible to your opponents than Amy Winehouse at a Sunday mass. I think he was a bad guy in one of those bond movies as well. A Baron of sorts, if you will.

While i'm not here to discuss the variables for Goldeneye multiplayer (or Amy Winehouse for that matter), the similarities between the Samedi energy drink and the videogame character himself are too obvious to not delve into. The first (and possibly last) similarity, the character select screen or 'Petrol station fridge'. When searching for an energy drink, i tend to pick the can with the most shit happening on it. The Samedi can delivers on almost all aspects of aesthetic appeal. It's silver, it has this crazy gritty charcoal effect that makes it look like it was dug out of an ancient tomb and then mass produced for modern society, should modern society ever feel the need for half a litre of unadulterated energy in a can. Then, displayed on the front of the can is a strategically placed skull wearing, you guessed it, a top hat. Who's not going to pick an energy drink with a skull and top hat combo on the front? Two bulls locking horns? Fuck outta here. A big distorted V with atoms racing around it? Don't patronize me. Skull and Top Hat for the win.

Unfortunately, the design of the can is Samedi's greatest achievement. In the world of energy consumables, it's what's inside the packaging that really counts and whilst Samedi is drinkable, it is far from playing in the same league as it's veteran competitors. Much like the Baron from Goldeneye. Upon first sip, i was immediately taken back to the first instalment of the 'Mother' saga. Savoury, almost peppervescent but with a hint of hope in the form of a Jelly Crystal after-taste. Second sip and i had almost confirmed the booking of my tickets to flavour country. Slightly sweeter this time but still with that hint of spice rack lingering in the foreground. On the third and deciding sip, i was determined to let Samedi work his magic and give me access to that Jelly greatness he'd earlier promised (no homo), but alas, as i gave it the final swish, that flavour i chased slipped away like a retracting shoreline back to it's mother ocean.

Flavour fail.

It could be a lack of sugar or acidity regulators but whatever the case, Samedi is all looks and no substance. It'll do the trick for about 250ml (which is somewhere near the recommended daily intake of guarana and taurine), but for the energy connisseur, it will leave you feeling disheartened, lonely and even a little angry. I still recommend a sample as this review isn't the be all end all of liquid energy as we know it (it's pretty close), but coming from someone who takes the shit seriously, go for the industry stalwarts like Red Bull or Mother v.2 for your wings. They may not have skulls and top hats, but they'll have you bouncing off the walls whilst simultaneously keeping your tastebuds happy and your heart rate dangerously high".

Since i wrote that review i've done a complete 160 (i was never completely against it) on the whole Samedi scenario. The shit is mad tasty and efficient, so go and fuck your Mother (energy drink).

Cereal of the Year.

Being diagnosed with ADD at a young age can be detrimental to the amount of sugar you're permitted to consume. I was never allowed Frosties. In fact, if i was at home the only way i was getting sugar was if i snuck an extra couple of tablespoons onto my Corn Flakes, and even then i was risking getting caught. It was only when i moved out of home that i was allowed to truly test my tolerance levels to sugar and it's subsidiary products. Enter Frosties and you have my staple breakfast for 2008. There's something mysteriously alluring about a tiger named 'Tony' and his blind endorsement of an extremely high energy cereal product that keeps me coming back for more.

Shoe of the Year
I know heaps about sneakers!

Most viral fashion trend of the year award.

Seeing a Supreme five panel in Perth a few years ago was a generally rare occasion met with respect and an assumption that the wearer had a good sense of 'street' fashion. Now? It's uniform. This year alone i have become accustomed with every form of plaid known to man, proudly displayed atop the heads of every 16-20 year old male that has ever been to Melbourne or used the internet. Please people! There are other brands of cap out there! Supreme isn't the most expensive, exclusive and illustrious label anymore and nobody will think any less of you if you wear anything less than Supreme, i promise.

Celebrities of the year that i met and took photos of

What? This old thing?
Cue every schoolgirl in the 6050 postcode asking me which shelves Chris Brown touched and then rubbing up against them and shit. You know you've made it when the inanimate objects you touched are providing sexual gratification for schoolgirls weeks after you've touched them.

Movie of the year

I only saw a few movies this year and The Dark Knight is the only one i can remember. It was so good that i wrote a review about it before it came out.

Blog post of the year.
I used to love, they split like the beatles and i hear they still meet up and post every now and then.
Here's my personal favourite post of the year, from when they were still together.

Marketing Blog of the year
I'm going to figure out how to use this blog to my advantage one day. In the meantime, i'll continue to score hits off it like they're going out of style.
Thanks Julian!

And there it is, I'm sure heaps of other important stuff happened but this post took sooo long to build.


Julian Cole said...

WTF?!?!?! I read that whole damn post and only got one Weezy mention! He wasnt even a winner he just got a side mention. Disappointing!

Seen this?
Ad for Gatorade, the US cant get enough of Weezy!

Me said...

I know, that ad is ridiculous.

I had Wayne lined up for several awards, but i've got about twenty posts lined up, all based around him and how great i think he is.
And besides, he WAS my blog last year, it's hard to win an award when you pretty much have stock in the field that the awards are presented in.