Thursday, January 15, 2009

Babies are secretly plotting our demise.

So i was in Target this morning and couldn't help but notice the amount of babies giving me the eye. They were seriously everywhere, being chaffeured around by their parental robots sussing out how much damage they're going to cause when they gain control of their motor senses and/or limbs. I flipped one off just to make sure i wasn't going crazy and of course, the little shit didn't even react, resulting in me getting even more cock eye (nh) from his owner or 'guardian'. So not only are babies out to ruin everyone's shit, they're smart as well and will play the whole 'i'm just a stupid baby all defenseless in my little pram waiting to grow up' card if they think someone smart like me has caught onto them.

Babies: The Final Frontier.
Sometimes i just want to say to a baby, "why don't you just grow the fuck up and stop being so shady all the time with your shifty little eyes?" But i can't. You know why? Because they're babies. They're small, so you can't strike them. They pretend that they don't know what's going on so you can't question their motives and they have this power over their owners that gives them a green light to shit and piss wherever they want, not eat their vegetables and be adored as a sign of 'new life' and 'hope' in a society gone awry.
You know what i see when i see a baby, aside from jealousy?
Suspicion over what's going through their soft little heads, suspicion as to what they plan on doing with themselves when they are given freedom and a suspicion of the fact that they've been known to eat other animal's fecal matter and snail pellets.
These are the questions you must ask when you find yourself on the receiving end of an infant death stare. These are the questions that will lead us to a greater understanding of babies and why society feels the need to make so many of them.

How can they be stopped?
Because of the aformentioned character traits, babies are pretty much untouchable. Even in Target today i felt an overpowering sense of uselessness due to certain laws and the protective nature of the baby's parental units. The second you try and question a baby's demeanour or enforce your misunderstanding of their being, sirens ring, alarms are raised and the next thing you know you're behind bars with some guy named Sean whose hobbies include arts, crafts and buttsex.
No, the only way to deal with a baby is to avoid it and you can do so by steering clear of the following locations:

1. Baby showers.
2. The ikea ballpit (these are particularly dangerous as the ballpit seems to house a particular chemical that sends infants and babies absolutely insane. I once saw a baby come out of a ballpit foaming at the mouth with glowing red eyes).
3. Any chain stores where they sell pretty much everything, including baby food.
4. Michael Jackson's house.
5. Book stores. These appear to be training facilities for parental units to-be, whose influence is essential to a baby's development.

Will we be ok?
Hard to say really. Every mass murderer, boy band member and presidential candidate in history is thought to have stemmed from the early stage of life known as 'being a stupid baby with shifty eyes' and unfortunately there's no way to tell which way the baby is going to go before it's too late. Should you happen to come into contact with one or a group of them giving you the shift eye, flip them a fresh bird to let them know that you know what they're up to and that you can't do anything about it.



Great job Benjamin!

Your creative writing has improved dramatically this year. I almost pooed myself


PS-please see me after class

Me said...

Haha, i'm going for a less relevant, more conceptual style of blogging this year.