1. Don't kill your family. Seriously, i'd be pretty pissed if someone i'd known my whole life just killed me one day.
2. Be homeless. Considering you still have a functional brain unit, i'm pretty sure finding a place to sleep wouldn't be that hard. In fact, it's so hot right now that i don't even want to sleep at my house, and i'm not even homeless! No food? You're losing weight as well! The benefits are endless.
3. Work. People in prison do it, disabled people do it and old people do it to an extent. Heck, even i do it every now and then. Earning money to pay back a debt is better than capping your relatives any day.
Now, get out there and stay positive!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Important!
Hey just in case you couldn't get on with your day without knowing it, Ian Thorpe is definately not gay and actually hunts brazilian babes with his close friend who doesn't sleep in the same bed as him.I think it should become illegal to make news articles about olympic swimmers unless they are within one metre of a swimming pool. And if he is servicing purple headed yoghurt slingers on the regular, at least he's 'hunting brazilian babes' in between.
Fucking hell.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
It's like that episode of ____________, you know, the one where ________________.
Yes, i do. But that episode has nothing to do with what just happened to you. Because you saw that episode of ___________ before the event you apparently just experienced, you are under the impression that you have some kind of special link to a particular character in your favorite sitcom.
Newsflash, sitcoms are based on everyday events that people can relate to, hence the reason they are a predominantly successful television genre. You aren't special because you went to the toilet and there was no toilet paper left, just like i'm not special for being able to predict which songs mix 94.5 are going to play. You've been brought up to relate to what you see and hear, don't suddenly decide that it's a crazy coincidence when i'm carrying a 16kg package with a hotdog in one hand and a bottle of orange juice in the other.
Newsflash, sitcoms are based on everyday events that people can relate to, hence the reason they are a predominantly successful television genre. You aren't special because you went to the toilet and there was no toilet paper left, just like i'm not special for being able to predict which songs mix 94.5 are going to play. You've been brought up to relate to what you see and hear, don't suddenly decide that it's a crazy coincidence when i'm carrying a 16kg package with a hotdog in one hand and a bottle of orange juice in the other.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Don't mid life crisis and drive.
So i was driving around this afternoon, listening to Max B's brand of talking about expensive designer shades over beats and minding my own business when i pull up at a red light. Now you'd think this was a pretty standard exercise with little to no room for error.
You'd think wrong as well.
Having gotten comfortable in what i thought would be a textbook 2-3 minute red light quarantine, i was pleasantly surprised to see the light go green after about 45 seconds. Slightly startled by this turn of events, my reaction time between the light change and leaving the spot of quarantine suffered a 3 millisecond delay. Now, to a normal human being this is an excusable margin of error possibly even invisible to the naked eye, but if you are going bald, drive a convertible penis extension and are halfway to your life expiry date, this is the equivalent of raping a child at an anti-rape protest.
Needless to say, Mr. mid-life is going absolutely insane at this point in time. Beeping his horn, shaking his head and just being honestly upset. I'm normally a pretty tolerant human being, but this inexcusable behaviour called for a response. Instead of accelerating, i stayed where i was, turned around so that i was facing his round little head, clenched my fists and put them both to my eyes and made the childish, but always effective 'you're a large crybaby' hand gesture. It worked much better than what i thought. Mid-life was pissed and proceeded to make a careless lane change in an attempt to pass me, which ironically caused everyone in that lane to beep at him.
I then left the quarantine area, started driving at a comfortable speed and once i was in line with him again i stared straight ahead and started playing with my hair, scratching it and wrapping it around my fingertips to let him know that he was indeed 50 years old and i was not.
This angered him so much that he sped into the back of a removal truck and all these wigs fell out of the truck onto his bonnet and he started sobbing.
I then did ten or eleven (i wasn't counting) reverse donuts and fled the scene laughing my ass off.
You'd think wrong as well.
Having gotten comfortable in what i thought would be a textbook 2-3 minute red light quarantine, i was pleasantly surprised to see the light go green after about 45 seconds. Slightly startled by this turn of events, my reaction time between the light change and leaving the spot of quarantine suffered a 3 millisecond delay. Now, to a normal human being this is an excusable margin of error possibly even invisible to the naked eye, but if you are going bald, drive a convertible penis extension and are halfway to your life expiry date, this is the equivalent of raping a child at an anti-rape protest.
Needless to say, Mr. mid-life is going absolutely insane at this point in time. Beeping his horn, shaking his head and just being honestly upset. I'm normally a pretty tolerant human being, but this inexcusable behaviour called for a response. Instead of accelerating, i stayed where i was, turned around so that i was facing his round little head, clenched my fists and put them both to my eyes and made the childish, but always effective 'you're a large crybaby' hand gesture. It worked much better than what i thought. Mid-life was pissed and proceeded to make a careless lane change in an attempt to pass me, which ironically caused everyone in that lane to beep at him.
I then left the quarantine area, started driving at a comfortable speed and once i was in line with him again i stared straight ahead and started playing with my hair, scratching it and wrapping it around my fingertips to let him know that he was indeed 50 years old and i was not.
This angered him so much that he sped into the back of a removal truck and all these wigs fell out of the truck onto his bonnet and he started sobbing.
I then did ten or eleven (i wasn't counting) reverse donuts and fled the scene laughing my ass off.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Game characters best forgotten.
Volume 1: Kano from the first Mortal Kombat instalment. By far the worst dressed and most unappealing character in a game full of badly dressed and unappealing characters.
I swear to god i'm not stoned right now.
Ok, so i've been thinking a-lot about hatred lately. It's been around for as long as mankind has walked the Earth, varying in size, quality, efficiency and devastation every time it is put into action. It's only recently that i've started to realize how much of it goes around, so much so that i've come to the conclusion that it is not only our initial reaction to pretty much everything, but also the most prominent state of mind we're ever bound to encounter.
Unfortunately, what a-lot of people don't realize is that it's completely pointless. And not pointless in the stinky hippy, love everything, Mr. Optimism positive vibes champion way. It is actually physically, mentally and scientifically useless to anyone that exudes it for the purpose of self benefit and/or the intention of causing pain.
Now, for the record, this is just an epiphany and my explanation may not be perfect or completely tangible, but i'm going to do my best to get the message across.
Say someone or something pisses you off or upsets you. The average human's reaction to this generally ends up as the following:
1. Your sense of well-being or social standing has been threatened and the only way to get back to your previous state is to belittle or attack that which has caused said emotional disarray. Thus, putting things back on an even keel. Aka, Revenge.
2. You are threatened, intimidated or unfamiliar with something. The only way to deal with it is to portray it in a negative light because if you don't know anything about it, how are you going to be aware of the positivity that it may hold? Aka, Bias, Criticism.
3. You just really don't fucking like something. You don't know why, you don't care and you don't care to know why. Aka, you're pretty much an asshole and may/may not be aware of it.
In my experience (all 23 years of it) the above three forms of hatred are the most present and most applicable to my theory. And here it is.
Picture your hatred as a ship and the feelings you intend to portray as the cargo. Now, you want to send this ship and it's cargo for the sole purpose of fucking shit up at it's destination.
The sea that this ship will travel on is full of action, reaction, all sorts of emotions and a whole lot of uncertainty. Your ship (hatred) and it's cargo (the intended result) are bound to encounter all of these things in it's travels but both will remain relatively unaffected by them because of the intensity and speed at which it is sent off. That is until it meets our little friends, the logic pirates.
That's right people, i invented the logic pirates for my theory.
You see, these pirates are smart. Smarter than you, smarter than the destination and they pretty much rule the seven seas of hatred. They are the enforcers of emotional law, the shining beacons of common sense and should never be judged because of their 'pirate' tag.
The sole mission of these pirates (logic) is to rob your ship of it's cargo and leave it completely bare, only to arrive at it's destination stripped of it's intentions and whatever else you had planned for it.
This is where my idea of pointlessness comes along.
The emotions and intentions you want your target to feel will always completely differ from what your target experiences simply because you are not them and they are not you. This is logic at it's most simple. It's impossible to transfer a thought or a particular feeling to another person without it being misconstrued and rendered pointless at it's destination.
On the other (more beneficial) hand, if the above ship stays docked, the intention remains with it's sender (you) and will not have to take the completely pointless journey from point A to point B. In other words, if you keep your mouth shut and your greasy opinion to yourself, you can focus that energy on more important things like your career and the possibility of casual sex. Then you can sit back and watch as all your focus on the positive things will have completely disintegrated your ship and it's cargo and you can go back to being smarter and better off than whatever it was you wanted to hate on in the first place.
I know that no-one (aside from devout psychopaths) is going to take this seriously but i just wanted to put it out there that hatred IS actually pointless and your time and effort is best spent elsewhere. This post isn't aimed at anyone in particular and if it was, it would include myself especially. We're all guilty of it but we're also all capable of putting it aside for the greater good.
And should you ever feel the need to hate on something, start a blog. You're safe behind your computer and all repercussions can be avoided by a swift mouse click to the shut down window.
Unfortunately, what a-lot of people don't realize is that it's completely pointless. And not pointless in the stinky hippy, love everything, Mr. Optimism positive vibes champion way. It is actually physically, mentally and scientifically useless to anyone that exudes it for the purpose of self benefit and/or the intention of causing pain.
Now, for the record, this is just an epiphany and my explanation may not be perfect or completely tangible, but i'm going to do my best to get the message across.
Say someone or something pisses you off or upsets you. The average human's reaction to this generally ends up as the following:
1. Your sense of well-being or social standing has been threatened and the only way to get back to your previous state is to belittle or attack that which has caused said emotional disarray. Thus, putting things back on an even keel. Aka, Revenge.
2. You are threatened, intimidated or unfamiliar with something. The only way to deal with it is to portray it in a negative light because if you don't know anything about it, how are you going to be aware of the positivity that it may hold? Aka, Bias, Criticism.
3. You just really don't fucking like something. You don't know why, you don't care and you don't care to know why. Aka, you're pretty much an asshole and may/may not be aware of it.
In my experience (all 23 years of it) the above three forms of hatred are the most present and most applicable to my theory. And here it is.
Picture your hatred as a ship and the feelings you intend to portray as the cargo. Now, you want to send this ship and it's cargo for the sole purpose of fucking shit up at it's destination.
The sea that this ship will travel on is full of action, reaction, all sorts of emotions and a whole lot of uncertainty. Your ship (hatred) and it's cargo (the intended result) are bound to encounter all of these things in it's travels but both will remain relatively unaffected by them because of the intensity and speed at which it is sent off. That is until it meets our little friends, the logic pirates.
That's right people, i invented the logic pirates for my theory.
You see, these pirates are smart. Smarter than you, smarter than the destination and they pretty much rule the seven seas of hatred. They are the enforcers of emotional law, the shining beacons of common sense and should never be judged because of their 'pirate' tag.
The sole mission of these pirates (logic) is to rob your ship of it's cargo and leave it completely bare, only to arrive at it's destination stripped of it's intentions and whatever else you had planned for it.
This is where my idea of pointlessness comes along.
The emotions and intentions you want your target to feel will always completely differ from what your target experiences simply because you are not them and they are not you. This is logic at it's most simple. It's impossible to transfer a thought or a particular feeling to another person without it being misconstrued and rendered pointless at it's destination.
On the other (more beneficial) hand, if the above ship stays docked, the intention remains with it's sender (you) and will not have to take the completely pointless journey from point A to point B. In other words, if you keep your mouth shut and your greasy opinion to yourself, you can focus that energy on more important things like your career and the possibility of casual sex. Then you can sit back and watch as all your focus on the positive things will have completely disintegrated your ship and it's cargo and you can go back to being smarter and better off than whatever it was you wanted to hate on in the first place.
I know that no-one (aside from devout psychopaths) is going to take this seriously but i just wanted to put it out there that hatred IS actually pointless and your time and effort is best spent elsewhere. This post isn't aimed at anyone in particular and if it was, it would include myself especially. We're all guilty of it but we're also all capable of putting it aside for the greater good.
And should you ever feel the need to hate on something, start a blog. You're safe behind your computer and all repercussions can be avoided by a swift mouse click to the shut down window.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Babies are secretly plotting our demise.
So i was in Target this morning and couldn't help but notice the amount of babies giving me the eye. They were seriously everywhere, being chaffeured around by their parental robots sussing out how much damage they're going to cause when they gain control of their motor senses and/or limbs. I flipped one off just to make sure i wasn't going crazy and of course, the little shit didn't even react, resulting in me getting even more cock eye (nh) from his owner or 'guardian'. So not only are babies out to ruin everyone's shit, they're smart as well and will play the whole 'i'm just a stupid baby all defenseless in my little pram waiting to grow up' card if they think someone smart like me has caught onto them.
Babies: The Final Frontier.
Sometimes i just want to say to a baby, "why don't you just grow the fuck up and stop being so shady all the time with your shifty little eyes?" But i can't. You know why? Because they're babies. They're small, so you can't strike them. They pretend that they don't know what's going on so you can't question their motives and they have this power over their owners that gives them a green light to shit and piss wherever they want, not eat their vegetables and be adored as a sign of 'new life' and 'hope' in a society gone awry.
You know what i see when i see a baby, aside from jealousy?
Suspicion.
Suspicion over what's going through their soft little heads, suspicion as to what they plan on doing with themselves when they are given freedom and a suspicion of the fact that they've been known to eat other animal's fecal matter and snail pellets.
These are the questions you must ask when you find yourself on the receiving end of an infant death stare. These are the questions that will lead us to a greater understanding of babies and why society feels the need to make so many of them.
How can they be stopped?
Because of the aformentioned character traits, babies are pretty much untouchable. Even in Target today i felt an overpowering sense of uselessness due to certain laws and the protective nature of the baby's parental units. The second you try and question a baby's demeanour or enforce your misunderstanding of their being, sirens ring, alarms are raised and the next thing you know you're behind bars with some guy named Sean whose hobbies include arts, crafts and buttsex.
No, the only way to deal with a baby is to avoid it and you can do so by steering clear of the following locations:
1. Baby showers.
2. The ikea ballpit (these are particularly dangerous as the ballpit seems to house a particular chemical that sends infants and babies absolutely insane. I once saw a baby come out of a ballpit foaming at the mouth with glowing red eyes).
3. Any chain stores where they sell pretty much everything, including baby food.
4. Michael Jackson's house.
5. Book stores. These appear to be training facilities for parental units to-be, whose influence is essential to a baby's development.
Will we be ok?
Hard to say really. Every mass murderer, boy band member and presidential candidate in history is thought to have stemmed from the early stage of life known as 'being a stupid baby with shifty eyes' and unfortunately there's no way to tell which way the baby is going to go before it's too late. Should you happen to come into contact with one or a group of them giving you the shift eye, flip them a fresh bird to let them know that you know what they're up to and that you can't do anything about it.
Babies: The Final Frontier.
Sometimes i just want to say to a baby, "why don't you just grow the fuck up and stop being so shady all the time with your shifty little eyes?" But i can't. You know why? Because they're babies. They're small, so you can't strike them. They pretend that they don't know what's going on so you can't question their motives and they have this power over their owners that gives them a green light to shit and piss wherever they want, not eat their vegetables and be adored as a sign of 'new life' and 'hope' in a society gone awry.
You know what i see when i see a baby, aside from jealousy?
Suspicion.
Suspicion over what's going through their soft little heads, suspicion as to what they plan on doing with themselves when they are given freedom and a suspicion of the fact that they've been known to eat other animal's fecal matter and snail pellets.
These are the questions you must ask when you find yourself on the receiving end of an infant death stare. These are the questions that will lead us to a greater understanding of babies and why society feels the need to make so many of them.
How can they be stopped?
Because of the aformentioned character traits, babies are pretty much untouchable. Even in Target today i felt an overpowering sense of uselessness due to certain laws and the protective nature of the baby's parental units. The second you try and question a baby's demeanour or enforce your misunderstanding of their being, sirens ring, alarms are raised and the next thing you know you're behind bars with some guy named Sean whose hobbies include arts, crafts and buttsex.
No, the only way to deal with a baby is to avoid it and you can do so by steering clear of the following locations:
1. Baby showers.
2. The ikea ballpit (these are particularly dangerous as the ballpit seems to house a particular chemical that sends infants and babies absolutely insane. I once saw a baby come out of a ballpit foaming at the mouth with glowing red eyes).
3. Any chain stores where they sell pretty much everything, including baby food.
4. Michael Jackson's house.
5. Book stores. These appear to be training facilities for parental units to-be, whose influence is essential to a baby's development.
Will we be ok?
Hard to say really. Every mass murderer, boy band member and presidential candidate in history is thought to have stemmed from the early stage of life known as 'being a stupid baby with shifty eyes' and unfortunately there's no way to tell which way the baby is going to go before it's too late. Should you happen to come into contact with one or a group of them giving you the shift eye, flip them a fresh bird to let them know that you know what they're up to and that you can't do anything about it.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
F-Grade Celebrities call it quits, Australia gets a boner.
"Another pair of Big Brother love birds have called it quits".
Translation: Two people that no-one cares about are at the stage now where their relationship status is a news article. Thanks to Big Brother, we are now privy to the exciting and inspiring world that these two have created for themselves. They broke up! What crazy adventures will they get up to next!?
"Bree Amer and Bodie Czeladka announced their split on Facebook last Friday, the Courier Mail reports".
Translation: Two people that no-one cares about are at the stage now where their relationship status is a news article. Thanks to Big Brother, we are now privy to the exciting and inspiring world that these two have created for themselves. They broke up! What crazy adventures will they get up to next!?
"Bree Amer and Bodie Czeladka announced their split on Facebook last Friday, the Courier Mail reports".
Translation: This news was made official on a social networking website, someone freaked out about it so much that they felt the need to tell the nearest online newspaper.
"Czeladka, an underwear model and electrical designer, is best remembered for walloping host Gretel Killeen in the head with a rubber chicken during the 2007 finale".
Translation: Hey everyone! Come and look at how accomplished this guy is! Why would anyone want to break up with him! He hit Gretel Killeen in the head with a rubber chicken for crying out loud, the guy is practically a genius! Only hot in underwear as well!
Translation: Hey everyone! Come and look at how accomplished this guy is! Why would anyone want to break up with him! He hit Gretel Killeen in the head with a rubber chicken for crying out loud, the guy is practically a genius! Only hot in underwear as well!
Seriously ninemsn, step your fucking game up. Not only is this not news, but it promotes failure at such explicit levels that i feel like i need to go through high school again just to cleanse myself. What have any of these people ever done to justify a bulletin on Australia's most viewed NEWS site about their break-up?
What?
Big Brother? Wow!
As far as achievents on television go, Bree coined the punishable-by-death phrase, "Game on Moles" and now peroxide blonde haired highschool dropout hairdressers with fake breasts have something to say when they are arguing with their friends! I've heard females say this in public and believe me, it makes me want to cut off my penis and surgically attach it to their foreheads to symbolise both my loss of faith in females and the fact that they are indeed, dickheads. She also co-hosted a program dedicated to funny youtube clips that you can watch on your computer.
What?
Big Brother? Wow!
As far as achievents on television go, Bree coined the punishable-by-death phrase, "Game on Moles" and now peroxide blonde haired highschool dropout hairdressers with fake breasts have something to say when they are arguing with their friends! I've heard females say this in public and believe me, it makes me want to cut off my penis and surgically attach it to their foreheads to symbolise both my loss of faith in females and the fact that they are indeed, dickheads. She also co-hosted a program dedicated to funny youtube clips that you can watch on your computer.
As for Bodie, well, his list of achievements warranting mass news coverage extend as far as not winning Big Brother 2007, dating Bree Amer, who also failed at Big Brother and doing that whole fedora and wayfarer thing that everyone does these days.
So kudos to you ninemsn for keeping me up to date with the lives of such interesting people. To save you the time and effort for next time here are some predictions for this year.
1. Big Brother Celebrity A will co-host a music awards show. They'll make reference to a Big Brother event and the crowd will applause accordingly. I'll die a little inside.
2. Another Big Brother evictee will become exhausted or even close to death, possibly due to a drug overdose whilst promoting themselves and a shitty radio station at a shitty festival surrounded by shitty people. Hundreds of Big Brother fans will pray at night, whilst babies all over the world are orphaned by anti-government militants and assholes in general.
3. Big Brother will be back in 2009 with a 'CRAZY NEW FORMULA NEVER BEFORE SEEN FIRST TIME ON TELEVISION' format that will suck so much collective ass and nuts, Gretel Killeen will come back from the dead and haunt everyone a la Samara from The Ring, only less attractive.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The future's so bright, i gotta wear 3-D shades.
I went and saw Bolt the other night and now i will only watch movies if they require that i wear a set of 3-D glasses. Seriously, the shit was ridiculous. I'd never seen a movie in 3-D before through fear of it being shit and my eyes not being able to adjust properly, forcing me to watch the rest of the film in shades of red and blue. Not this time you assholes. The glasses that you get before the movie starts are just as stylish as wayfarers only less played out, and the lenses are clear film as opposed to the tacky red and blue paper pieces of shit that one expects when seeing a movie in 3-D. Then, just to whet the appetite a little, all the previews are played in 3-D for movies that are going to come out in exactly that format. Being stoned didn't (did) help either. I was reaching out to touch shit, and constantly turning around for approval from the rest of the audience, who seemed to be in some kind of trance due to what they were going through at the time.
Then the movie started and my jaw dropped so hard that the person next to me had to pick it up and say "excuse me sir, i found your jaw on the floor" to which i replied, "shut up, i'm trying to experience the third dimension here". There's a chase scene and some bad guys and you sit there thinking, "wow, i'm an idiot for ever thinking The Incredibles was graphically impressive". Grass looks so good you want to eat it, food looks so good you want to lay in it and the way Bolt's fur gently reacts to a light breeze is enough to end conflict in Israel. I actually had to take the glasses off a few times just to convince myself that i wasn't in the movie as well. Then i realised that if i was in the movie i would have just sat there admiring the grass and trying to touch stuff that isn't there. Oh yeah, there's an Ice Age 3 preview as well that looked retarded. I haven't seen any of the Ice Age films but you can bet i'm going to start at number 3 and never look back.
This movie is perfect in every way and shits on all the other 3D talking animal films that i refuse to see because of how thrashed they are these days. However, if those films are re-released in Kodak 3-D and require the use of glasses, i'll be first in line looking all better than everyone else because i've already got the glasses for it.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
2008: A series of unfortunate space oddyseys.
Considering that i pretty much completely documented the entire year (starting February) in such intricate and explosive detail, there's not much point in me doing a best of end of the year post, is there?
Best Blog? Truly Heinous.
Best News Site? Truly Heinous.
Hungry Jack's win a date with an Eagles player for best coverage of Ben Cousin's downfall award? Truly. Motherfucking. Heinous.
So instead of ending the year with big-headed antics and a highly accurate allocation of website awards, i've decided to provide you with a look back into all the other little things that made the year so special, in the form of a 'Best of 2008' post. I've never done one before, so i'm pretty pumped. Plus, I just drank 1 litre of artificial energy so that may be contributing to my abnormal heart rate and general excitedness.
Xbox Game of the Year.
I played a shitload of videogames this year, and rightly so. With so many amazing releases and residence in a city where there is always nothing to do, i clocked some serious hours on the old 360, but no game took more of my time than Bioshock.
I'm not going to sit here and masturbate over the storyline and the gameplay because quite frankly, you can go to ign.com and get a proper review over there. But seriously, you run around killing mentally unstable civilians with guns and a mutant left hand capable of all sorts of crazy powers, all whilst strategically placed gramophones fill the air with creepy 1950's croonery. It's enough to make you a loner.
Snes Game of the Year.
I was so good at this game back in 1993 that my best friend had a birthday party and the theme was all the guests had to watch me play it. Fifteen years later, i found the game at the un-offical shop of the year (Gametraders) and it turns out that i'm still really good at it. Have fun trying to find it, because you won't.
Gamecube Game of the Year.
Yeah i know it didn't come out this year, but i don't really give a shit. My gamecube didn't get much of a workout in 2008, but you can bet that when it did, RE4 was the main course. I haven't even finished it yet because the part i'm at is way too scary, the only way i'll play it again is if i can somehow set the game up outside in the sunshine with heaps of strong people around so i feel safe.
Best Awkward Moment.
Sarah Palin's entire campaign was easily the hardest, most awkward few months of my 2008. Every time she left the podium or press conference, comedians worldwide would rejoice at the weeks of material she'd just provided them with. She's kind of hot as well so it made the whole scenario much harder to deal with.
Album of the Year.
Fuck this album is amazing. Again, i don't want to write a review but out of all the official releases and quality music that came out this year, nothing had more listenability and replay value than White Van Music. It's features an all star cast, the cover doesn't suck and it came out in both instrumental and clean form so i can play it at work without having to fake cough every time an expletive occurs.
Mixtape of the Year.
This was definately a high note on the Clipse's rap sheet. Sandman and coke rap over the best beats of last year ensured that you looked like a G when you played it in the whip. We won't talk about the Re-up album that followed because, well, it was terrible.
Mixtape of the Year Part 2.
I'll admit i was a bit of a new jack when it came to Royce Da 5'9, i'd only heard his name here and there in affiliation with Eminem and the Detroit rap scene. Now, after the Bar Exam 2, it's safe to say that i've reached crazed schoolgirl status whenever i hear Royce rap. He mentions names in his songs with no remorse, he drinks a shitload of alcohol and every line he spits will take a good four or five listens before you manage to individually recognize every metaphor, simile and double entendre that features within it.
.....Album of the year Part 2.
I heard this before i saw the movie and it was only when i'd actually sat down and watched the movie that i realized how conceptually genius the American Gangster album was. It's a new Jay-z album in which he reminisces about his drug dealing days whilst simultaneously advertising the American Gangster film, which features Denzel Washington's character living through and ultimately reminiscing about his drug dealing days. Plus, it was the first time that Jay-z and Lil Wayne had ever officially collaborated, which is enough to cause babies on the spot.
Hip-hop quotable of the year.
This is the title of a Max B song. Max B is the most entertaining rapper in the game right now and he always talks about how 'wavy' everything is. He also made a song called 'Tsunami' and goes by the alias 'Wavy Crockett' or 'Silver Surfer'. Max B is wavy.
Sweet new rap group of the year award.
If you haven't heard 'Slaughterhouse' yet, i'll write something about you being asleep or getting a late pass. Royce da 5'9, Joe Budden, Crooked I and Joell Ortiz got together last year in a mission to save the game, similar to what a memory card does only with much more swearing and quotables. The result is a ridiculous verse-by-verse competition in which they all try to outdo each-other and i win just by listening to it. Now all they need to do is release more than two songs in one year.
Happiest moment of 2008.
It was a close call between this and Ben Cousins moving over East, but i feel Obama's victory is a little more relevant and deserving of the award. The 2008 presidential election was the first election i'd ever followed and when i saw Mr. Obama grace the world stage and proceed to belt out the most inspirational speech i'll probably ever see, it made me proud to be an Australian that regrets not being born in America.
Most irritating human trait of 2008.
There's a-lot of stuff that pisses me off. Hell, i pretty much go through every day complaining to myself about every little thing that goes wrong and why God hates me. "Of course that would fall off the table, of course when i pick it up my jeans would fall over my shoe the wrong way, of course when i go to fix my jeans they won't go back the way i want them, oh great, of course while i'm fixing my jeans that fucking piece of shit would fall off the table again". Well, that's nothing compared to how much i hate people that can't walk at the same speed that i walk at. It's like driving, if you're going too slow, you get flipped off, sworn at and eventually pulled over. Why should it be any different for something people do just as often? I just can't wait until the day we all have to migrate somewhere and you realise that all these years of pissing me off has now resulted in you being left behind, and when your bones are being picked clean by the vultures (we're in the desert), i'll be the first one there to tell you that's what you get for walking so slow.
Best Television personality of 2008.
Not only does this commercial prove the theory of evolution, but also that one minute and thirty seconds of this made me happier than Channel 10's entire year of premiering god-awful shows and having to cancel them after one season.
Energy drink of the Century (2008).
Being diagnosed with ADD at a young age can be detrimental to the amount of sugar you're permitted to consume. I was never allowed Frosties. In fact, if i was at home the only way i was getting sugar was if i snuck an extra couple of tablespoons onto my Corn Flakes, and even then i was risking getting caught. It was only when i moved out of home that i was allowed to truly test my tolerance levels to sugar and it's subsidiary products. Enter Frosties and you have my staple breakfast for 2008. There's something mysteriously alluring about a tiger named 'Tony' and his blind endorsement of an extremely high energy cereal product that keeps me coming back for more.
Shoe of the Year.
I know heaps about sneakers!
Most viral fashion trend of the year award.
Seeing a Supreme five panel in Perth a few years ago was a generally rare occasion met with respect and an assumption that the wearer had a good sense of 'street' fashion. Now? It's uniform. This year alone i have become accustomed with every form of plaid known to man, proudly displayed atop the heads of every 16-20 year old male that has ever been to Melbourne or used the internet. Please people! There are other brands of cap out there! Supreme isn't the most expensive, exclusive and illustrious label anymore and nobody will think any less of you if you wear anything less than Supreme, i promise.
Celebrities of the year that i met and took photos of.
What? This old thing?
Cue every schoolgirl in the 6050 postcode asking me which shelves Chris Brown touched and then rubbing up against them and shit. You know you've made it when the inanimate objects you touched are providing sexual gratification for schoolgirls weeks after you've touched them.
Movie of the year.
I only saw a few movies this year and The Dark Knight is the only one i can remember. It was so good that i wrote a review about it before it came out.
Blog post of the year.
I used to love longiesand40s.blogspot.com, they split like the beatles and i hear they still meet up and post every now and then.
Here's my personal favourite post of the year, from when they were still together.
Marketing Blog of the year.
I'm going to figure out how to use this blog to my advantage one day. In the meantime, i'll continue to score hits off it like they're going out of style.
Thanks Julian!
And there it is, I'm sure heaps of other important stuff happened but this post took sooo long to build.
Best Blog? Truly Heinous.
Best News Site? Truly Heinous.
Hungry Jack's win a date with an Eagles player for best coverage of Ben Cousin's downfall award? Truly. Motherfucking. Heinous.
So instead of ending the year with big-headed antics and a highly accurate allocation of website awards, i've decided to provide you with a look back into all the other little things that made the year so special, in the form of a 'Best of 2008' post. I've never done one before, so i'm pretty pumped. Plus, I just drank 1 litre of artificial energy so that may be contributing to my abnormal heart rate and general excitedness.
Xbox Game of the Year.
I played a shitload of videogames this year, and rightly so. With so many amazing releases and residence in a city where there is always nothing to do, i clocked some serious hours on the old 360, but no game took more of my time than Bioshock.
I'm not going to sit here and masturbate over the storyline and the gameplay because quite frankly, you can go to ign.com and get a proper review over there. But seriously, you run around killing mentally unstable civilians with guns and a mutant left hand capable of all sorts of crazy powers, all whilst strategically placed gramophones fill the air with creepy 1950's croonery. It's enough to make you a loner.
Snes Game of the Year.
I was so good at this game back in 1993 that my best friend had a birthday party and the theme was all the guests had to watch me play it. Fifteen years later, i found the game at the un-offical shop of the year (Gametraders) and it turns out that i'm still really good at it. Have fun trying to find it, because you won't.
Gamecube Game of the Year.
Yeah i know it didn't come out this year, but i don't really give a shit. My gamecube didn't get much of a workout in 2008, but you can bet that when it did, RE4 was the main course. I haven't even finished it yet because the part i'm at is way too scary, the only way i'll play it again is if i can somehow set the game up outside in the sunshine with heaps of strong people around so i feel safe.
Best Awkward Moment.
Sarah Palin's entire campaign was easily the hardest, most awkward few months of my 2008. Every time she left the podium or press conference, comedians worldwide would rejoice at the weeks of material she'd just provided them with. She's kind of hot as well so it made the whole scenario much harder to deal with.
Album of the Year.
Fuck this album is amazing. Again, i don't want to write a review but out of all the official releases and quality music that came out this year, nothing had more listenability and replay value than White Van Music. It's features an all star cast, the cover doesn't suck and it came out in both instrumental and clean form so i can play it at work without having to fake cough every time an expletive occurs.
Mixtape of the Year.
This was definately a high note on the Clipse's rap sheet. Sandman and coke rap over the best beats of last year ensured that you looked like a G when you played it in the whip. We won't talk about the Re-up album that followed because, well, it was terrible.
Mixtape of the Year Part 2.
I'll admit i was a bit of a new jack when it came to Royce Da 5'9, i'd only heard his name here and there in affiliation with Eminem and the Detroit rap scene. Now, after the Bar Exam 2, it's safe to say that i've reached crazed schoolgirl status whenever i hear Royce rap. He mentions names in his songs with no remorse, he drinks a shitload of alcohol and every line he spits will take a good four or five listens before you manage to individually recognize every metaphor, simile and double entendre that features within it.
.....Album of the year Part 2.
I heard this before i saw the movie and it was only when i'd actually sat down and watched the movie that i realized how conceptually genius the American Gangster album was. It's a new Jay-z album in which he reminisces about his drug dealing days whilst simultaneously advertising the American Gangster film, which features Denzel Washington's character living through and ultimately reminiscing about his drug dealing days. Plus, it was the first time that Jay-z and Lil Wayne had ever officially collaborated, which is enough to cause babies on the spot.
Hip-hop quotable of the year.
"She touched it in Miami" - Max B
This is the title of a Max B song. Max B is the most entertaining rapper in the game right now and he always talks about how 'wavy' everything is. He also made a song called 'Tsunami' and goes by the alias 'Wavy Crockett' or 'Silver Surfer'. Max B is wavy.
Sweet new rap group of the year award.
If you haven't heard 'Slaughterhouse' yet, i'll write something about you being asleep or getting a late pass. Royce da 5'9, Joe Budden, Crooked I and Joell Ortiz got together last year in a mission to save the game, similar to what a memory card does only with much more swearing and quotables. The result is a ridiculous verse-by-verse competition in which they all try to outdo each-other and i win just by listening to it. Now all they need to do is release more than two songs in one year.
Happiest moment of 2008.
It was a close call between this and Ben Cousins moving over East, but i feel Obama's victory is a little more relevant and deserving of the award. The 2008 presidential election was the first election i'd ever followed and when i saw Mr. Obama grace the world stage and proceed to belt out the most inspirational speech i'll probably ever see, it made me proud to be an Australian that regrets not being born in America.
Most irritating human trait of 2008.
There's a-lot of stuff that pisses me off. Hell, i pretty much go through every day complaining to myself about every little thing that goes wrong and why God hates me. "Of course that would fall off the table, of course when i pick it up my jeans would fall over my shoe the wrong way, of course when i go to fix my jeans they won't go back the way i want them, oh great, of course while i'm fixing my jeans that fucking piece of shit would fall off the table again". Well, that's nothing compared to how much i hate people that can't walk at the same speed that i walk at. It's like driving, if you're going too slow, you get flipped off, sworn at and eventually pulled over. Why should it be any different for something people do just as often? I just can't wait until the day we all have to migrate somewhere and you realise that all these years of pissing me off has now resulted in you being left behind, and when your bones are being picked clean by the vultures (we're in the desert), i'll be the first one there to tell you that's what you get for walking so slow.
Best Television personality of 2008.
Not only does this commercial prove the theory of evolution, but also that one minute and thirty seconds of this made me happier than Channel 10's entire year of premiering god-awful shows and having to cancel them after one season.
Energy drink of the Century (2008).
"The last time i saw the word 'Samedi' was on the character select screen of the critically acclaimed Nintendo 64 game, Goldeneye. I never picked him for battle because he wore a top hat and whilst it was infinitely stylish, you'd be more visible to your opponents than Amy Winehouse at a Sunday mass. I think he was a bad guy in one of those bond movies as well. A Baron of sorts, if you will.
While i'm not here to discuss the variables for Goldeneye multiplayer (or Amy Winehouse for that matter), the similarities between the Samedi energy drink and the videogame character himself are too obvious to not delve into. The first (and possibly last) similarity, the character select screen or 'Petrol station fridge'. When searching for an energy drink, i tend to pick the can with the most shit happening on it. The Samedi can delivers on almost all aspects of aesthetic appeal. It's silver, it has this crazy gritty charcoal effect that makes it look like it was dug out of an ancient tomb and then mass produced for modern society, should modern society ever feel the need for half a litre of unadulterated energy in a can. Then, displayed on the front of the can is a strategically placed skull wearing, you guessed it, a top hat. Who's not going to pick an energy drink with a skull and top hat combo on the front? Two bulls locking horns? Fuck outta here. A big distorted V with atoms racing around it? Don't patronize me. Skull and Top Hat for the win.
Unfortunately, the design of the can is Samedi's greatest achievement. In the world of energy consumables, it's what's inside the packaging that really counts and whilst Samedi is drinkable, it is far from playing in the same league as it's veteran competitors. Much like the Baron from Goldeneye. Upon first sip, i was immediately taken back to the first instalment of the 'Mother' saga. Savoury, almost peppervescent but with a hint of hope in the form of a Jelly Crystal after-taste. Second sip and i had almost confirmed the booking of my tickets to flavour country. Slightly sweeter this time but still with that hint of spice rack lingering in the foreground. On the third and deciding sip, i was determined to let Samedi work his magic and give me access to that Jelly greatness he'd earlier promised (no homo), but alas, as i gave it the final swish, that flavour i chased slipped away like a retracting shoreline back to it's mother ocean.
Flavour fail.
It could be a lack of sugar or acidity regulators but whatever the case, Samedi is all looks and no substance. It'll do the trick for about 250ml (which is somewhere near the recommended daily intake of guarana and taurine), but for the energy connisseur, it will leave you feeling disheartened, lonely and even a little angry. I still recommend a sample as this review isn't the be all end all of liquid energy as we know it (it's pretty close), but coming from someone who takes the shit seriously, go for the industry stalwarts like Red Bull or Mother v.2 for your wings. They may not have skulls and top hats, but they'll have you bouncing off the walls whilst simultaneously keeping your tastebuds happy and your heart rate dangerously high".
Since i wrote that review i've done a complete 160 (i was never completely against it) on the whole Samedi scenario. The shit is mad tasty and efficient, so go and fuck your Mother (energy drink).
Cereal of the Year.
Cereal of the Year.
Being diagnosed with ADD at a young age can be detrimental to the amount of sugar you're permitted to consume. I was never allowed Frosties. In fact, if i was at home the only way i was getting sugar was if i snuck an extra couple of tablespoons onto my Corn Flakes, and even then i was risking getting caught. It was only when i moved out of home that i was allowed to truly test my tolerance levels to sugar and it's subsidiary products. Enter Frosties and you have my staple breakfast for 2008. There's something mysteriously alluring about a tiger named 'Tony' and his blind endorsement of an extremely high energy cereal product that keeps me coming back for more.
Shoe of the Year.
I know heaps about sneakers!
Most viral fashion trend of the year award.
Seeing a Supreme five panel in Perth a few years ago was a generally rare occasion met with respect and an assumption that the wearer had a good sense of 'street' fashion. Now? It's uniform. This year alone i have become accustomed with every form of plaid known to man, proudly displayed atop the heads of every 16-20 year old male that has ever been to Melbourne or used the internet. Please people! There are other brands of cap out there! Supreme isn't the most expensive, exclusive and illustrious label anymore and nobody will think any less of you if you wear anything less than Supreme, i promise.
Celebrities of the year that i met and took photos of.
What? This old thing?
Cue every schoolgirl in the 6050 postcode asking me which shelves Chris Brown touched and then rubbing up against them and shit. You know you've made it when the inanimate objects you touched are providing sexual gratification for schoolgirls weeks after you've touched them.
Movie of the year.
I only saw a few movies this year and The Dark Knight is the only one i can remember. It was so good that i wrote a review about it before it came out.
Blog post of the year.
I used to love longiesand40s.blogspot.com, they split like the beatles and i hear they still meet up and post every now and then.
Here's my personal favourite post of the year, from when they were still together.
Marketing Blog of the year.
I'm going to figure out how to use this blog to my advantage one day. In the meantime, i'll continue to score hits off it like they're going out of style.
Thanks Julian!
And there it is, I'm sure heaps of other important stuff happened but this post took sooo long to build.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Coming Soon.
I'm not in it for the comments.
I'm running late with my next post, it's going to be a best of everything from 2008 post because no-one has done that yet. I'll be keeping an eye on my usual blog route as well to make sure none of my fellow bloggers are jocking Jay-z, or myself.
Also, now that it's 2009, people aren't allowed to do that thing where they something like, "i like apples, and by apples, i mean oranges" or "if by let's go you mean stay, then yeah, let's go".
I call it 'if-by-and-by syndrome' and it is making genuine sarcasm look bad and basic. If done properly, it was funny for about six minutes, but now in 2009, you're not messing with anyone's head and i can smell it from a mile away. And by mile i mean metre, and by metre i mean i hate you, and by hate i mean die, and by die i mean get cremated, and by get cremated i mean don't die in the first place, and by don't die in the first place i mean get really badly injured, and by get really badly injured, i mean die.
I'm running late with my next post, it's going to be a best of everything from 2008 post because no-one has done that yet. I'll be keeping an eye on my usual blog route as well to make sure none of my fellow bloggers are jocking Jay-z, or myself.
Also, now that it's 2009, people aren't allowed to do that thing where they something like, "i like apples, and by apples, i mean oranges" or "if by let's go you mean stay, then yeah, let's go".
I call it 'if-by-and-by syndrome' and it is making genuine sarcasm look bad and basic. If done properly, it was funny for about six minutes, but now in 2009, you're not messing with anyone's head and i can smell it from a mile away. And by mile i mean metre, and by metre i mean i hate you, and by hate i mean die, and by die i mean get cremated, and by get cremated i mean don't die in the first place, and by don't die in the first place i mean get really badly injured, and by get really badly injured, i mean die.
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