On time for being late.

This is what happens when being wasted is done properly. Questions such as "is this real life?" and bold observations like "you have four eyes" are the essential actions and reactions one should have at their disposal when under the influence of chemicals you shouldn't normally be under the influence of. No heart attacks, no grinding your teeth down to the gum, just sit in the back seat tripping balls, counting your fingers and occassionally stopping to scream at the hallucinatory images that you don't agree with.

I'd actually start going to music festivals again if everyone in attendance shut their traps and acted like this kid.

A wooden stake through my patience.

The other night I was having ridiculous amounts of fun watching television as always (my xbox live subscription has run out) and during my travels i decided to check out the shiny jewel of the Australian broadcasting crown that is Channel 99. Who the fuck doesn't want to watch a channel called '99'? No-one, that's who. I don't know who the genius behind the title of this fresh programming venture is, but i'll bet you all the antennas in the world that it was either going to be 'Channel 99' or 'the infinity awesome express', the latter of which wouldn't fit on your average sized programming schedule. It's like, you're at the office watercooler during your lunchbreak and your asshole boss comes and tries to buddy up with you and you're all "so....what'd you do last night?" And he's all, "Oh, i just played a round of golf and then drove my Ferrari home to bone my immaculate European non-english speaking housemaid girlfriend, what about you?" And you're like, "pfft, just a little thing called FOUR HOURS OF CHANNEL 99 INFINTY AWESOME EXPRESS YOU FUCKING RICH SUCCESSFUL MANAGING DIRECTOR. JEALOUS MUCH!? And then he's all, "that sounds, great and all, but you're fired for calling me that" but you don't care because your home is with Channel 99 anyway. Who needs a job when on any given evening the programming is comparable only to that of a Greater Union new release billboard?

So as i was saying, i had my phone switched off, the lights dimmed and a comically sized bowl of Sultana Bran sitting in front of me and i was ready for yet another night of gold class programming, when suddenly i'm greeted with a timeline that looks something like this:

6pm - The Jetsons.

7:30pm - Dharma and Greg: The lost episodes.

8pm - Commercial break.

9pm - Seinfeld: All the ones you haven't seen.

9.30pm - Twilight: The Series.

10pm - Moonshine: Trials of a teen vampire.

10:30pm - True Blood.

11pm - Twiblood.

11:30pm - David Attenborough discovers Transylvania.

12pm - The late news.

1pm - Bram Stoker's Dracula.

I was so mad that i finished my Sultana Bran, watched Seinfeld and the first half of Twilight and then stormed off to bed, my night cut short by Dracumentaries and Rovampic comedies.

Why in god's name are Vampires so hot right now? I know fads, i know crazes and i have a pretty good eye for spotting emerging patterns, but this whole angst-ridden-vampire-tries-to deal-with-human-emotions-whilst-retaining-the-habitual-characteristics-of-a-vampire thing has come so far out of left field that i don't even want to play anymore.

Remember when Vampires weren't ever spoken of because of how mysterious and ruthless they were towards us mere mortals? I remember when i was 8 and i accidentally caught the first half of Bram Stoker's Dracula, it scarred me for life and i'm pretty sure i was so convinced they were real that i ended up sleeping in a church that night. There was always something about their complete disregard for human morals and lust for blood that made them the ultimate nightmare fodder and the best costume for Halloween. In fact, i remember coming home with someone's first born child one Halloween because the parents were so stricken with fear and just wanted me to leave them alone.

Now, instead of this image of death incarnate:

We have these two lovestruck teens and a much more pussy understanding of Vampires:

"When you can live forever, what do you live for?"

Hmm, i don't know? HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING FLY AROUND AND MURDER PEOPLE AND RESIDE IN A SPOOKY CASTLE LIKE YOUR NO DOUBT DISSAPPOINTED ANCESTRY? Seriously! Vampires aren't meant to go to school and fail chemistry and get boners, they're meant to rip people's faces off, drink their blood and wear capes that i can only dream will one day become socially acceptable to wear in public. There was even a scene in the Twilight movie (i haven't seen it, someone told me) where the main protagonist's skin turns into diamonds through contact to direct sunlight? There's only two entities whose skin should turn into diamonds and that is myself and actual diamonds, not some pale, handsome hairdresser poor excuse for a vampire.

The main reason i'm so upset about this whole scenario is that once again something totally awesome and well respected has been exploited for the entertainment of girls. That's why i play video games, i know that females are way too self-conscious to enjoy something that their polar-opposites also enjoy and the risk of it being destroyed by a poorly scripted movie series or a bunch of t.v. programs is slim to nil.
Rest assured though, if previous supernatural trends are anything to go by this whole vamp craze should die out pretty soon. There's only so many times a teenage girl can play with herself whilst fantasizing about something that doesn't exist before they go back to Zac Efron or the Jonas Brothers or whoever the hell it is you all masturbate to these days.

Remember 'Charmed'? Yeah, me neither.

Apology accepted.

Ever since the dawn of time or at least as far as i can remember, i've never really enjoyed agreeing with people. I feel that life is too easy when everyone's all high-five and in agreeance on everything and i'm constantly in the pursuit of a little intellectual debate or a heated stabbing. If someone says something relating to pop culture or geography or something just as important i'll go out of my way to disagree with them, laying a solid foundation for an exciting exchange of opinions. Sometimes it won't even be your opinion that i'm disagreeing with either, it could just be that the conversation we're having is going suspiciously well and i feel the need to question your outlook on life to save the friendship from going into uncharted territory. I'm that good of a friend, thank me later.

I remember this one time back in year 5, some old guy was standing up the front of the class telling us about how the solar system works and his interesting theory of the Earth's revolution of the sun. The class were all eyes to the front and somewhat spellbound by what this man had to say and to put it bluntly, i didn't like where it was headed. I raised my hand and when prompted i told him that he was wrong. He chuckled and gave me this look like "you're 10 and you don't know what you're talking about". He responded with a confident "oh really? Would you like to explain to the class your opinions on time and space?" Astounded that he would ask me such a question and a little unsure of what my response would be i stated that "it is not the sun that the Earth revolves around, it is your head". The class let out an epic roar of laughter as the teacher in question happened to be sporting a cranium of epic proportions, so he didn't take my theory very lightly. He approached my desk and as he did, i stood up on it to make sure i was at his eye level and wasn't playing any games. Just as he went to either strike me or tell me to get down i punched him in the face with both of my fists so hard that he penetrated the wall at the front of the class and left a perfect planetary shaped hole in doing so. I had proven my point and i think he went on to become a famous astrologist after our little encounter. This just goes to show the immense power of argument. Fact.

Now, during my day off yesterday i did what i always do and jumped through my checklist of must check daily web addresses. Like a-lot of people i know, i possess that special useless quality that causes me to violently convulse if i'm not aware of every news headline from the last 24 hours. Information is power right? From extensive articles on the decay of the Western world to a piece on which flavor ice-cream is most versatile with your summer wardrobe, i have to know it all. Or at least as much as my monolithic brain can handle, which is pretty much all of it.

As i did the rounds i was obviously made aware of the MTV VMA's that were occurring at that very moment as every website i checked had made mention of it somewhere on their page. It wasn't until i checked my twitter that i learned of an apparent Kanye West wrongdoing and the worldwide hate he was receiving as a result. His fans were dissing him with no remorse and artists he had worked with were questioning their professional relationships with him on every community based webpage you know of. I was a little concerned as Kanye West's tendencies to pull spotlight stealing stunts had become as notorious as the award shows he pulled them at, but had always been met with a general consensus of "oh, lol. That's our Kanye!". What did he do that was so unforgivable?

Kanye West / Taylor Swift VMA's clip from joe hollywood on Vimeo.

Oh, that's right. He did that.

I think we can all say that the above footage is extremely unfortunate and a rather large blemish on the career of Kanye West and MTV as a whole. Little Taylor Swift was receiving her first VMA moonman award and in the middle of her acceptance speech the most evil man in the universe stumbled on stage and stole what will no doubt be one of many standout moments in her long and financially beneficial career. It was unfair on young Taylor and i suddenly understood why Kanye would have been crossed off a-lot of people's Christmas card lists this year.
I thought about it for a while and considered boycotting any further music he makes out of respect for Taylor's feelings and i still don't even know what a Taylor Swift is. I mean, that doesn't make any difference to his moral code or his bank balance but it would make me feel better right? I paced around the house for a while, confused as to how i would make my anger felt and it was only when i sat down again and had a browse through everyone else's reactions that my thoughts on the matter began to change.

Contrary to what you may take from my blog or even anything i say in real life, I will never favor one race over any other, whether it be my own or anyone else's. No matter how bad things get and whatever conflicts are waged between whichever countries for whatever reasons, i will never concede to the sometimes prominent mentality that my skin colour grants me access to any more rights than anyone else and i expect the same in return. You can raise any point under the sun but when it comes down to it, if you legitimately feel that you are part of a supreme race or background and act dismissively towards someone because of the colour of their skin, i give you full permission to play 18 holes in a lightning storm.
Which brings me to my next point. I can't stress enough the multiple levels of lame that Mr. West touched on during his interruption of Taylor's acceptance speech. He'd been lurking around the proceedings with a half empty bottle of Hennessy and that combined with his notorious ego and love for all things Beyonce was a guaranteed recipe for disaster. No excuses. The backlash that followed was also expected, but on the same note, the amount of race-driven hate featured throughout this backlash was even less excusable.

I've seen and heard some pretty despicable shit on the internet, but the comments from Kanye's fan base and the general public made me sick and embarrassed to be a part of the human race. Claims that Kanye's tirade was a racist attack littered throughout twitter accounts worldwide, death threats and references to his deceased mother were just some of the things i saw and as much as i hate to take his side, were far more atrocious than what he did or could have done at that award show. Remember when 50 cent did almost the exact same thing to Evanescense at an even more prestigious award ceremony in 2004? Ten minutes later no-one was talking about it.
So is it the constant evolution of the internet and it's accessibility to freedom of speech that's made this whole scenario more visible and offensive, or has this furious racism been laying dormant, waiting for someone like Kanye to slip up so a bunch of ignorant teenage race relations experts can share their wisdom on a public forum and simultaneously humiliate themselves and Mr. West?

The man made a mistake, as we all do. No matter how publicly he made this mistake or how sweet and innocent his victim was, it was a mistake made as a result of who he is and some persuasive outside influences. Once again, i'm not at all condoning his actions but for crying out loud, the fucking President of the United States (whom he has supported since day one) is on his case along with pretty much everyone that has ever bought one of his albums or heard one of his songs. He's apologized the best way he knows how on multiple occasions across all types of media and has admitted that he needs to get some help. For Kanye West to apologize and admit he has a problem does more to convince me that he's legitimately sorry than what a bunch of closet racists can type to convince me that he's as bad as you've all made him out to be. The guy is responsible for some amazing music and like it or not, has provided the backdrop for some pretty memorable moments across the last decade as i can only assume he's done so for the people who are now out for his blood.

As of this post I am officially disagreeing with the general public and it's stance on the Kanye West VMA's incident. Not because of a difference in opinion, but because I'd rather see everyone move on so Mr. West can get back to being that self- obsessed, arrogant mess of a musical genius that we've all come know so well. If not for another decade of good music than for the sake of young Miley Cyrus, who's career would no doubt benefit just as much if you all let it be.

The top 5 most played out Australian sports montage songs of all time that i can think of right now.

5. 'Thunderstruck' - ACDC
What could be more sports montage worthy than a song about thunder and shit? Need more convincing? How about a song about thunder and shit by an Australian band? Not enough? Look at the above picture! That guy is wearing a shiny early 1900's school uniform! Damn straight you like that, now go out and fight someone/play some football!

4. 'Play' - Moby
Monk chants and haunting keys carry Moby and his sombre number all the way to number 4 on tonight's list. Generally coupled with super slow motion footage of devastated men and dripping sweat, this track doubles as a gay anthem when played at the right volume, at the right venue.

3. 'Working Class Man' - Jimmy Barnes
I've never even heard this song before but i know that the only instruments used in it's production were a rusty barrel full of motor oil, a flathead screwdriver and Jimmy Barnes' hard as nails vocal chords. This song is great for montages due to it's appeal not only to football fans and alcoholics, but also your average Aussie blue-collared, red-blooded male.

2. 'Right Here Right Now' - Fatboy Slim
If you haven't used this for a montage of any kind, you shouldn't be allowed to make montages period. This song features a monumental build-up and gets people so motivated that they will dack themselves and start masturbating on the spot with a complete disregard for whoever is else is present. Not that it matters though, whoever else is present will also be masturbating for the same reason. It's just that powerful.

1. 'Simply the Best' - Tina Turner
Tina Turner wants you to know something. She thinks your great. She thinks your one of a kind and a complete gun at whatever sporting activity it is that you participate in. She thinks your the best and she also feels that there aren't many people, if any, that can reach the same level of skill and aptitude that you are currently displaying. Attach this song to some footage of men high-fiving and slamming goals and you have a recipe for pure champion, ready to slam into the oven of win set to infinity degrees. For thirty seconds you'll be under her spell and conclusively under the impression that you are the best and/or on the football field with the very team you are living your life through. You are Ben Cousins after an eight ball of the finest peruvian angel dust and you are definitely not sitting at home on your favourite couch in between your grandma and an empty box of Dixie Drumsticks.

Now go out there and be good at something you unmotivated shits!

This post was co-produced by facebook friend number #156, Mike V.

Moar.....

So the Blueprint 3 has been pushed forward to tomorrow because Jay-z either wanted to go against the grain or has come to terms with the fact that everyone has his album already, some of us even before he did. Having listened to the album several times over now i can definitely say that while Jay-z can still make good music, he is now incapable of making timeless music. Every song on this album is like every fad i've seen in the last few years. Awesome and entertaining for an hour or so, you'll crack some jokes and make obscene references to it a few times but after that you only get more and more frustrated every time you're faced with it and you slowly begin plotting it's demise with anyone that'll listen to you. If Jay-z is the trend-setting god mc that he makes himself out to be, i can only hope that this isn't the direction he's taking hip-hop.....if that's even the genre that the Blueprint 3 belongs in. Granted, there's some bangers on there, but the whole thing feels like a promotional playground for the main guest appearances (Kid Cudi, Drake, J Cole, Luke Steele, Young Jeezy, Mr. Hudson and Kanye West) and then you've got this Jay-z guy who is like the kindegarten teacher in the background making sure that they all stay in check whilst dropping his two cents in at regular intervals.

A recent release that did impress me however, was 'No Strings Attached', which is the legitimate DVD lovechild of one Josh Roberts and another Chris Yow. NSA is the most recent visual manifestation of Perth's skateboarding collective and was actually due for release back in 1978, but due to various setbacks like laziness and whatever else the producers claimed was hindering their performance, it was only just premiered a few days ago. I'll tell you right now though, the 31 year wait was definitely worth it and myself and everyone at the screening was blown away by the level of friendship, art and expression conveyed in this video. The skateboarding in it was also of the highest quality and featured the capable likes of Nicholas Boserio, Alex Campbell Harry Clark, Barry Mansfield, Mitch Cunningham, Phillip Marshal and Quayde Baker plus a metric plethora of other artistic friends all coming together to share the gift of life and super skate tricks on the steps and the walls. Josh Roberts' filming was super smooth and was on par with watching salmon navigate seamlessly through a fresh spring whilst simultaneously escaping nasty security guards and pebbles whilst Chris Yow's crafty angles and epic stills of all things righteous had me thinking i was sitting in a mausoleum watching a live miracle as opposed to a dilapidated cinema surrounded by juvenile criminals and non-skateboarders. If i was forced to choose a favourite part i'd tell you to fuck off because they all made me equally stoked on where skateboarding in Perth is headed and the only reason someone would ask such a question is to see if their opinion aligns with that of the general public, essentially deleting the purpose of their opinion in the first place, which is probably wrong anyway. Also, please remember that every copy of this DVD sold is a new makeshift church for Chris Yow to construct whilst on his missionary travels this year. All the best Yow, dead serious, not being sarcastic.

Aside from the Blueprint 3 and No Strings Attached there isn't really much else i feel is necessary or interesting enough to divulge over this particular medium. Parklife is coming up though. Are you all getting really pumped and excited for that? Ready for lobbers and fuckheads and fuckheads on lobbers! Wanna get sweated on? Ready to have your bladder explode all over the inside of your stomach as you wait to use a portable shit prison filled with speed diarrhea and clear urine? Fuck yeah! Parklife 09' you fucking assholes!



Click the pictures for you know what.....

The shitford wives.

I seriously thought i wasn't going to have to deal with any more top level claremont carpark shennanigans after i totally stamped my authority down during the last outing but it would seem that this is not so. I've never been involved in any real carpark beef before but it seems that the residents of Claremont take this shit seriously. Seriously to the death.

As stated in the last episode, carparks in Claremont are somewhat of an oasis. You could drive around for hours and spot them left, right and center but nine times out of nine, when you get there, it wasn't meant to be. Little is known about Claremont's fascination with having no carparks but history would hint that the residents of this fine suburb believe that they are the only ones that need to park their car within the borders of their postcode. If you're an outsider, tough shit, go park in Fremantle and walk to Claremont and get charged eight dollars for a bottle of water at your nearest newsagency. Working in Claremont? You're getting buttfucked as well. In their eyes your just another sweaty mexican slaving away in their stinky department stores and therefore, you are undeserving of a place to rest your vehicle.

If it were legal, Claremont would replace the aboriginal tribesman, royal and political features that feature on our currency to pictures of empty parking bays. There would be magazines dedicated to the hottest new parking spots for a night on the town, a who's who of bays, a coming attractions section for all the hot new spaces and parallel parks of the month on the last page. Why doesn't Claremont just cut to the chase and erect a marble monument of a carpark in the middle of the shopping district? At least we'd be able to fucking park in it!

Anyway, i'm not going to get too infuriated just yet. For the most part, i've been able to fend for myself by illegally parking on the top floor in spaces reserved for important people who are so important that they don't even drive cars, hence their bays always being empty. Imagine if you were so rich you could just float everywhere? Need the definition of ironic? Well if you can afford to float everywhere and own an apartment or store in Claremont you're well on your way to owning one of these bays and then you won't even need it. Hence me parking in your bay.

Unfortunately, shitbreath has had enough. Whenever i finish work i always have a quick browse of the carpark to see if anyone has been double parked. It's become a tradition since it happened to me and it's always a nice little after work chuckle if someone has been blocked in. Today was far more than a chuckle though, look at where shitbreath has parked.

What do you do in a situation like this? It's so awesome that you can't handle it but at the same time you wish you could pick up cars and throw them. Luckily for awesomeness is pure like driven snow and is more than capable of washing out an emotion like fury. Here's how:

Awesomeness:

* Ooohh, you're so threatening and carpark warlord like in your morris minor. It's hard to rule with an iron fist when your car looks like it's doing a stand up routine wherever it's parked.

* Shitbreath is so self righteous and mighty that he just assumes by putting his name on his car people will know exactly where he works and possibly his phone number. Who needs a phone number when you have eggs and a plethora of security camera blindspots?

* There's at least 10,000 empty spots surrounding Mr. Shitbreath and his colourful note, yet he still felt it necessary to pick on someone that clearly stole 'his' spot and ruin their days as well. What a cunt!

* Imagine how angry red Getz and even redder Lancer are going to be when they see they've been double parked by a comedian on wheels!

* He left a note just like me! AND ESSENTIALLY MADE THE SAME ERROR!!

You could see how such things would instantly destroy any hurtful feelings i had towards Mr. Shitbreath. These notes were on every car on the top level! It was fucking hilarious! I even saw the asian lady from the bank take one off her car, look around, neatly fold it up and then samurai sword herself in the stomach because she was so angry. Then she got up and drove home like it was nothing, thus ending one of the more exciting chapters in this no doubt lengthy saga.

Hopefully next week samurai girl and morris man come to blows, that would be way too epic not to blog about.

Forever....

A week or so ago i heard rumours of a song featuring Kanye West, Lil Wayne, Eminem and everyone's favourite knee operation waiting to happen, Drake. I brushed it off knowing that even the premise of such a song is unrealistic, unfair and completely awesome. I thought if these guys were ever to jump on a track together, the studio in which it's recorded would have to be constructed from pure gold, the sound proof walls built from the ground up using the ears of the greatest deceased composers of the last 100 years and the computers that the files are recorded to would have to be made of pure, unadulterated teflon and cabling shipped in from Saturn's inner core.

Aka, impossible.

So this morning i wake up and while i'm doing my usual morning blog rounds (starting with mine and ending with....mine) i see that all of the above precautions have somehow been fulfilled and the song has come to fruition via nothing short of a God endorsed miracle. I listened to it on the way to work and almost crashed about 10,000 times because i was too busy jumping from seat to seat and texting my friends about how awesome life is and how this song makes me feel like i'm comandeering a roman chariot filled with rubys and emeralds and silk through run down villages and throwing the jewels out to the poor people when in reality i'm actually stuck in traffic on Stirling highway behind some asshole with one of those quirky spare tyre covers. How am i meant to 'BACK OFF' when there's cars behind me you fucking mongoloid?

Anyway:
Drake feat. Kanye West, Lil Wayne and Eminem - Forever (prod. by Boi-1da)

This isn't the final final version (close enough) and it should be available on itunes by the time you've retrieved your brain matter from whatever wall it is that you're sitting adjacent to.

wtf is a Luke Steele?

I can't remember the last time i didn't have background music. It's as essential to me as failure is to that new 7pm Project show on Channel 10. I mean, without failure that 7pm Project wouldn't have much else going for it, much like i'd probably cancel myself if i didn't have music. Fuck, i tried watching that show the other night and i could actually feel a capital F being singed into my forehead via telekinetic failure. I was like, what's that smell yo? And then i looked up and saw this smoke that smelt like burger rings caused by that guy with the curly hair asking questions about toe nails or something else that loses ratings.

I've got nothing to blog about at the moment. I feel like i can't even complain properly and seeing as 110% of my blog is filled with hatred towards particular trends, people and infants, business is slow. If i was sweet html hacker i'd hack up a 'back in 15' sign and let it swing about on the front door of my blog and not come back for a while, then i'd html up a front door to put it on. If i wanted to, I could dedicate entire posts to Gears of War 2, my new Jordans and a bunch of other rhinoshit that no one cares about but the problem there is that it's rhinoshit that no one cares about and i'm at a stage now where i feel i have a standard to live up to, considering my blog is generally overflowing with 110% pure texas tea at any given time.

So, as a gift to the four people including myself that read this blog at any given time, i give you the obligatory 'i have nothing else to blog about so here's some free music to tide you over until something gay happens' post. I only listen to rap music and the following is a culmination of the bandwith sucking mixtapes and albums that have been slowing my internet down for weeks on end but also providing me with background music for days on end. I get bored real quickly so i'll post up the stuff that has been entertaining me for the last month or so. You can click the pictures if you want to introduce yourself to the knowledge or even if you just want to download whatever music it is that is featured on the pictures. I don't condone you clicking the pictures though, illegally downloading music is illegal and a crime punishable by having free music, for free.



Now, does anyone want to fill me in on this Luke Steele guy that everyone is whining about? Why is he on Jay-z's new album if he's from Perth? You can see how such a thing would poison my otherwise holy mental stream.

PS. I can't find a link to the J Cole mixtape for the life of me. Figures because it's probably the music i am most psyched on at the moment. If you can find it, download the shit out of it.

Wins and Fails: Currency of a counter-culture.

I was thinking about some really deep shit the other day and just as i was finishing up, the terms 'win' and 'fail' swooped my mental landscape like two magpies wanting to pick from the vast fields of knowledge inside my head. I thought about how a few years ago the terms 'win' and 'fail' were only ever used in conjunction with someone's success or some jackass' way of claiming victory and how they've suddenly become this crazy internet phenomenon that has somehow breached real life and is way more entertaining than it should be.

It's concept is pretty simple, a win is when something awesome happens like finding a five dollar note and then finding a rare basketball card underneath it, whereas a fail would see you getting hit by a car whilst picking it up. If one of your friends has his timing sorted and shouts "fail" while you're getting hit by the car, the transaction was successful and many laughs will be shared whereas a similar effect will occur should somone announce "win" upon you retrieving the money and the card without any unpleasantries.

On the internet it's the same story, only the users of this currency are often far more malicious and consequently, far more hilarious. Any perfectly good moment captured by any form of media can be stripped of all merit with the simple application of the word 'FAIL' in large bold text. Moreso, a perfectly sombre image like a cancer patient or a sick puppy can instantly be revived with the addition of the word 'WIN' in a similar style of lettering. As these words slowly lose all meaning over the years and the viewer isn't 100% on what an actual win or fail looks like anymore, the only real winner is whoever the fuck made the picture, and god knows who that could be.

Anyway, with all of that bullshit out of the way, i'd like to let you in on my own little win/fail story that occurred just the other day. It's called 'Take your car and shove it up your ass and i know it would fit there'.

Nothing gets me more excited than the end of a working day. The anticipation of that final stroke of the clock coupled with the shaking off of your daily timetable is one of the most satisfying feelings of all time. I'd just clocked off for the day and things were looking good. I was going skateboarding after work, i was considering buying an alcoholic beverage and my drive home cigarette was gaining appeal faster than a locomotive with rockets attached to it, which, for those of you who aren't good at math, is really fucking fast. The only thing that stood in my way was a super annoying ascent of Claremont's famous three storey parking lot. Wow Claremont, you've really outdone yourself. Three storeys? Yeah, because i guess not everyone that visits your wealthy post code has a fucking helicopter, and may need an actual parking space every now and then.

So i've climbed the stairs and walked to the car and everything is terrific. Just as i open the front door an obstruction lodges itself in the corner of my vision. A small, black, four-wheeled manifestation that was no doubt purchased at the expense of a wealthy business man's bank account so his daughter wouldn't look awkward whilst lip synching the latest Bloc Party album at red lights and intersections. I'm of course referring to the latest incarnation of the Volkswagen Beetle. No, not the symbolic VW Beetle that poor people and seniors tend to drive, i'm talking about the U2 endorsed harbinger of all that is preppy and funky, the Beetle revised.

After some simple calculations and a whole lot of head scratching, i sat in the car wondering how the fuck i was ever going to get out of there. What if this Tafe graduate never returns? What if she's visiting her boyfriend and they're having tapas? Am i meant to just sit here and play with myself while she gets wined and dined to ambient Architecture in Helsinki and the scent of chorizo and olives? Am i experiencing a fail at the cost of her win?

I had to do something, fast. There was no way i was going to politely sit there and be raped for my time without some kind of tactical response. I remembered back to all the times i'd double parked people and it seems that a friendly 'fuck you' note is the order of business when dealing with such carelessness. I already had a pen, but finding a piece of paper when you need one is like finding a parking spot in Claremont, even when you do find one it's soaked in urine or wet cement. After scrounging about i managed to find a discarded cd cover and do you know what cd covers contain? That's right, the little bit of paper that you use to write the track listings on, also known as the track listings bit of paper. Having never written a track list in my entire life i was blessed with a blank canvas to articulate the ultimate win for display on this broad's vehicle.

As you could imagine, i was overwhelmed with the possibilities of my written assault. Do i approach her gently and with remorse? Or do i sarcastically attack her intelligence and write an entire paragraph about better things she could have been doing with her time instead of double parking me?

It was at that moment that i had a premonition. What if i used the track listing for it's desired purpose and composed an entire pretend album about how inconvenient her life was making my life? The win potential was through the roof and it was a completely victimless crime. Unless of course you are the victim in question.




Genius right? I mean, aside from the horrible handwriting and the rushed appearance of it all, my intentions were quite clear. For those of you that can't read wingdings, the note should read as follows.

*THE FAIL ALBUM*

Track 1 - Move your fucking car.

Track 2 - You're an idiot.

Track 3 - I assume you live in Claremont, buy your own parking lot.

Track 4 - Move your fucking car (remix).

Track 5 - I hate your car.

Track 6 - You fail at math (feat. You).

Track 7 - Black VW Beetles are for jerks.

Executive produced by YOU.

I stress the 'should' in the above paragraph due to the fact that i made several elementary mistakes, thus dampening the entire experience for me and whoever is on the receiving end of my latest LP. I mean, i had to write the note as quickly as possible before the owner got back. I had to do it in stealth as an all seeing security camera watched my every move, from the writing of the note, to the placement of the note, to me taking photos of it afterwards, EVERYTHING.



Seriously, whatever the fuck i was smoking when i wrote this, i want more of it so i can reach the same level of consciousness i was obviously at when i wrote it. The 'you're instead of your' error is something i have been doing my whole life and even though it's one of the basic forms of punctuation and belonging, i can't seem to get my head around it, especially when i'm writing track listings in the form of move your car notes at top speed. I mean, i only learnt how to spell 'definitely' properly after spelling it 'definately' my whole life and around a hundred times throughout my blog's lifespan. Not making excuses.

When i realised i'd written Track 6 twice like a fucking idiot, i was ready to turn around and drive all the way back to re-write it. Then i remembered the security footage and how ridiculous it would look if someone left a note on a car window only to return twenty minutes later to edit it and leave it there again. That's not to say that i wouldn't have done it if there wasn't a security camera present, because i probably would have.

As i look back on the whole scenario i can definitely conclude that 'wins' and 'fails' do not work well together. The epic win of my idea and the epic fail in it's execution created an apocolyptic mess of lost messages and perfectly good humour gone to waste. If i'd written the note properly, god knows how the owner of that vehicle would have felt. She probably would've driven her car off the top floor of the carpark and called it a day because she knew that after my note, life doesn't get much better. Had i not written the note at all, i never would have gone through the learning experience and what will hopefully be the last time i ever have to make an imaginary album to get a message through to some anonymous anon who i'll never actually meet in person.

At the end of the day i ended up doing an 80,000 point turn to get out of there, much to the amazement of the onlookers who managed to witness my display on the way out. I'm sure the footage of it is surreal.