"This didn't need to happen!"

Are the only words i could hear as i witnessed the epic battle between the super polite bouncers from the Seizan bar and the seemingly harmless posse i had rolled out with on this particular evening. The bouncers had the upper hand (being bouncers and all) but the fight was broken up before anyone was seriously beaten. As soon as the overpowering scent of bacon filled the air my only thought was that if camera flashes equated to a single unit of damage, the battle would have been ours.

Following is a chronological collage of the events leading up to what i am quoting as winner of best fight/action scene for 2008. Started off at Bobby Dazzler's. The event in question was Yuta's going away. This photo of LJ and the Brass is a rare one indeed, i hardly ever see these two in public together.
"I hadn't showered for a few days when i wrote this" - Joe
Brass got ruthless on some rubble, i'm surprised he wasn't pissing out ink with the amount of bombing that was going down.
This chair destroyed itself before we got there through fear of crossing the path of hurt that our posse was laying down.
Caught these guys in the middle of a photoshoot. So i took advantage of the lighting.

Roofless.

Joe took advantage of the lighting as well.

Arrived at Seizan, only to be greeted by cat stranglers and dying giraffes.

Yonny took initiative.
Potato, pre getting forcefully evicted by three bouncers. That's right, he was so on point that it took three black belts to take him out.
This song is probably the reason everyone got so ruthless.

Ambassadors for good behaviour.

Brass - The calm before the storm.
Brass - The storm.

It took Yow a solid half an hour to inform me of all the nicknames this guy has. Don't let the caucasian skin tone fool you, he is as black as night.

J-Bunny, contemplating his next move. I think he chose chaos.
Potato and Yuta. Enjoying having their souls taken.

You will be missed desu.

Tom was there, making sure everything was running smoothly.

Naish and Joe, dance-fighting.

This photo gets a brother all warm and tingly.

I don't know why, but i take a-lot of photos of Joe.

I think this dance was called the "Black Milk" due to it's resemblance of a Chocolate thickshake in early stages of preparation. Justin later told me that we probably weren't aware, but this dance is his way of communicating with his no doubt african-american ancestry.

Moth, getting a mention as per our conversation.

I captured the exact moment when things started going down/uphill.

Another photo of Joe. Looking very much like a mental patient in a padded room.

Yow needed a break. I think i overstimulated him with my knowledge and compassion in regards to Asia's lack of understanding when it comes to Western forms of entertainment, yet they somehow manage to dictate everything that entertains us.

Blood was spilt. Big shout out to the overzealous bouncers at Seizan, who clearly don't understand how we get down, yet somehow managed to dicate how much fun we actually had.

Faggots (excluding any of my friends in the picture).

Powered by the 'black milk' display that took place earlier, white chocolate stepped to the bouncers for one last dance.

Police, late as usual.
Brass, still has time for the little people.

The last photo i took. J-Bunny pissed so hard that the Bell was actually ringing for several minutes afterwards.

After the victory that was the Seizan bar, we bailed to the only venue capable of destroying a perfectly good evening, Capitol.

The End.

How to be awkward like a champion.

We encounter awkward situations every day. Whether it be at home, in the workplace, at school or in a public toilet, awkwardness is something that cannot be avoided. Personally, i enjoy it and will sometimes travel long distances just to see an unfortunate silence or somebody tripping over.

Here are some tips on how to be awkward.

- Own people at handshakes.

The first handshake can make or break a relationship. It is the first form of contact you will make with someone you haven't met and pretty much sets the standard for all future encounters. So, instead of going in for the open palm, grasp and single shake method you should definately break into a crazy routine incorporating snaps, clicks, elbow taps and the Macarena and/or Riverdance. If you really want to make an impression, drop a quote from 'How She Move' or 'Bring it On' and tell them how much you 'brought it' and how much they didn't. Make sure it's a special handshake that you do only with your friends to add to the embarassment of the other person. Once you've lost them in your deadly array of handshake trickery, ask them if they know what's up, knowing well and clear that they don't.
Congratulations, this person will never invite you to anything.

- Be a door to door salesperson.

Walk up to a complete strangers house, knock on their door and ask them if they want to buy mobile phones or make donations to the RSPCA/WWF. Have the stranger slam the door in your face or tell you to get a real job for maximum awkwardness.

-Be a loudmouthed faggot on the train.

Make sure the train is packed. Receive a mobile phone call from your mother or ex-boyfriend (i say ex-boyfriend because it is only girls that will openly talk on the train about their relationships or failures thereof) and proceed to argue with them at maximum volume, make sure that you are being so loud and obnoxious that not only everyone on the train can hear you, but also nearby cars speeding past on the freeway. If someone looks at you cockeyed, orally blast them for not understanding your problems or apologise to them for not having a perfect life like theirs.
Pass gas whilst on the phone for a higher percentage of red faces per carriage.

- Be old or lame whilst waiting in line.

When it comes to your turn at the counter (cafe, japanese food, subway), openly complain about the last purchase you made there. Complaints such as having to wait too long in the line, your last coffee being too hot or cold or your last japanese dish being too japanese will suffice. When offered a refund or some form of reimbursement, refuse it and tell them that you only wanted to let them know. Make sure the staff member you are talking too is a junior employee that has no idea what you are talking about and is literally shitting his pants because he was never taught to cope with anally retentive shitcocks like yourself, especially at peak hour lunchtime.
Make sure you don't get tripped up or spat on by the other people in the line who have been rolling their eyes for the last fifteen minutes.

For more tips on how to be awkward, or to feel awkward yourself, visit your local centrelink. Their staff are basically proffesionals in creating or inciting awkwardness.

Archive x Adventures with Benny.

Done.

Things that I don't see anymore, possibly due to Government cover-ups.

For reasons unknown, i've decided to compile a short list of things that i never see around anymore and would like to see more of in the future.


The first one is marbles. How come no one plays fucking marbles anymore?

Yo-yo's, namely the Duncan butterfly. I haven't seen one of these things for a good decade and neither have you. I remember being so good at yo-yo's that i didn't use my arms for a whole month.

Basketball cards anybody? Don't even try and tell me this image of a fresh 1993-1994 pack of upper decks doesn't fuck with your feelings. This was the fad that defined your status not only as a collector, but a human being. I want to know when basketball cards ended and smoking rocks started.

Speaking of smoking rocks, here is a troll doll. These things were hot for a minute, but have since dissapeared into the depths of garage sales and creepy google collector pages worldwide. I don't necessarily want these to come back, but i'd like to know what's being done with the corpses.

Fuck your Wii, your Xbox 360 and your Playstation 3. This is the future of video games. Eight buttons, a d-pad and you were ready to go. No vibrating functions, no double dildo joysticks, no hanging out on the internet with some big gay nerd from wisconsin that probably has your display picture posted all over his bedroom with hopes of maybe meeting you one day and possibly copulating.

Where the fuck did these go? Two words, digestive climax.

Why would you take this off the shelf and replace it with a stronger version of salt and vinegar? People don't buy salt and vinegar, it just seems that way because whenever you go to someone's house it's the only flavour they ever seem to have so you end up eating them because it's all that's on offer and you regret it immediately once your tongue starts bleeding.

The lift ad with the hypnotic yellow and blue swirling? Remember the feeling you'd get if you happened to have a lift can in your house when this ad came on? That can't be beat by anything. Cool tang doritos? Another genius concept cast aside by the bread and butter public.

Savage Garden?

Remember the film clip where Daniel rubs up against the other guy and you can pretty much see the erection in his pants? What happened to those guys?

What happened to civilisation?

The Carter 3: A biased review

I've been following Lil Wayne's (aka Weezy F. Baby's aka Young Carter's aka Young Stunna's aka Weezy's) career for the last few years now, from the Carter 2 through every mixtape he's made (and some that were made without his permission) all the way to the highly anticipated Carter 3. I'll admit, being a Lil Wayne fan is like being a fan of a sitcom. He fucks up every now and then but when he is winning, you are winning and no matter what the outcome is you can't help but love him for all the entertainment he provides you with, positive or negative. He has his critics, most of them being closet homosexuals who are riding an anti-weezy bandwagon because he isn't 'underground' enough or because everyone else is riding his willy.
Want to know why everyone rides his willy?
It's because he's a rockstar, straight up and down. He releases music on a more than regular basis because his fans are addicted to it as much as he is addicted to that double styrofoam cup filled with the mysterious liquid. He's a breath of fresh air compared to a large percentage of rappers who keep their off wax identities as hidden as possible. He is as real on his tracks as he is in real life and documenting his entire story on hundreds of mixtape songs in between the release of his two biggest albums is a power move of epic proportions. Realistically, he could have made another two or three albums just from what he released on mixtapes. Where most would lay low and keep their workings a secret, Wayne was serving his fans and existing as a controversial spark at the centre of the rap industry, keeping things interesting and setting a standard for the 'next big thing', whilst working on possibly the most important album of his career.
So, i've decided to give a track by track breakdown of why this is the best album ever released by any artist in any genre ever. Stop reading here if you tend to start your day with a glass of freshly squeezed haterade.

Note: This track listing is based on the leak of the album, not the official release.

1."3 Peat"
3:19
The intro joint and probably one of the best tracks on the album. Wayne isn't really trying too hard on this track, he swears a-lot and doesn't even bother setting a standard for the rest of the album with crappy speeches or early album concepts like some other rappers tend to do. Straight to business like a suit on a train.

Standout line - "It's the New Orleans nightmare, money so old it's growing white hair".

2. "Mr. Carter"
feat. Jay-z
5:16
Finally the two best rapper alive's on the same track (Brooklyn 2.0 doesn't count) one self proclaimed, the other critically acclaimed. This has to be the best track on the album. Just Blaze produced it (hard hitting drums/organs/awesomeness), Jay-z featured on it and Lil Wayne has a couple of verses on it. Wayne makes constant references to how good he is, Jay does the same, everyone is happy. The "Mr. Carter" chants at the end of the song are so epic that you'll want to have a baby on the spot.

Standout line - "I'd rather be pushing flowers, then be in the pen sharing showers"

3. "A milli"
3:41
Holy shit, this track blows minds like hairdryers. Definately a contender for best track on the album. The constant, screwed up "A milli" sample doesn't get annoying and Wayne's swag on this track is hard to deny. A bit too slow to be a club banger, but creeps at the perfect pace for you and your white friends to play loudly whilst driving around pretending to be the oppposite of white.

Standout line - "A million here, a million there, sicilian bitch with long hair and coke in her derierre".

4. "Got Money"
4:04
I know it's considered custom to have T-Pain feature on your album these days, no matter how silly he sounds but c'mon, T-Pain? Too-painful to listen to. When every other rapper in the game is using your gimmick, it's time to move on. Start a clothing label/record label and call it a day.

Wayne still kills it, could very well be the best track on the album.

Standout line - I can't listen to this track all the way through, so i'll never know.

5. "Comfortable"
feat. Kanye West and Babyface
4:25
God damn i love this song. Kanye's trademark drums and floaty strings make me want to do things to myself. Wayne tones it down a bit, telling the ladies that although he's hyped on them for the time being, not to get head over heels on a brother. This is a nice change as Wayne is generally less polite when speaking about the opposite sex.

Standout line - "If you leave, leave correct and i'll send a jet to pick up the next".

6. "Dr. Carter"
4:24

Holy shit. Without a doubt, best track on the album. Swizz Beatz slows things down a bit as Wayne dons the stethoscope and brings hip-hop back to life in the form of a wack rapper on the operating table. I liked this track so much that i got my favourite line tatooed on the back of my neck so that when people ask me what it means i can tell them it's something that only i can relate to even though it actually has no bearing whatsoever to anything i've ever done in my lifetime and i'll probably end up getting it lasered off when i realise how much of a retard i've been.

Standout line - Lasered off.

7. "Phone Home"
3:11
Weezy was on some E.T type shit when he made this joint and i'll be honest, it's super annoying. In fact, this review is getting annoying, best track on the album.

Standout line - "PHONE HOME!"

8. "Tie My Hands"
feat. Robin Thicke
5:19

This is really nice this track. Wayne gets deep, listener ends up in tears. Best. Track. Album.

Standout line - If it's the best track on the album, every line is a standout.

9. "Mrs. Officer"
feat. Bobby Valentino
4:47
Hilarious. Wayne talks about having sex with female police officers and the hook sounds like a police siren. MVP track of the album.

Standout line - "And after we got done, i said lady what's your number, she said 9-1-1".

10. "Let the Beat Build"
5:09
Another kanye produced joint, the beat builds for a couple of minutes and you have to sit there and wait for Kanye's genius to explode in your face/ears. When it does, it becomes the best track on the album.

Standout line - ____________________________

11. "Shoot Me Down"
4:29
I like this track heaps. The best bit is when the track starts.

Standout line - *Track starting*

12. "Lollipop"
feat. Static Major

5:02
The official radio release that i refused to listen to because of how many fags were beating off over how good it was before i'd even heard it. After hearing it i can see why so many loads were blown over said track. I take it back, you aren't fags.

Standout line - I can't be bothered with this 'standout line' schtick anymore. I thought i could handle it, but at 16 tracks, it's becoming a bit of a hassle.

13. "La La"
feat. Brisco and Busta Rhymes
4:21
David Banner produced this one, it's on some pre-school nursery rhyme ish and Busta Rhymes isn't afraid to claim first pick at the play equipment. I like this song, my friends think it's annoying but they don't realise that they sound annoying when they say that. Having said that, i personally think that this is the best track on the album.

14. "Playing With Fire"
feat. Betty Wright
4:21
Weezy actually loses his mind on this track. Telling people to assasinate him, comparing himself to MLK (brave) and generally being a superstar. BTOTA.

15. "You ain't got nothing"

feat. Fabolous and Juelz Santana
5:27
This track is as grimey as the lasagne you left out on the kitchen table for all those weeks because you forgot it was yours and expected someone else to clean it because it supposedly wasn't your responsibility once the pasta had hardened, whereas if you had been requested to wash it before the hardening of the pasta, it wouldn't have been a problem.

Speaking of pasta - "Forty cal fettucine, tre pound pasta, you come for this medallion you must like italian"

16. "Dont Get It"
9:52

Common already used the Misunderstood sample for that track on 'Finding Forever' but he isn't half as entertaining as Wayne so i pretty much deleted it from my memory. With that done, Wayne goes on a five minute rant about how much he hates Al Sharpton. I don't know who Al Sharpton is but you can bet that after hearing this track, i wanted to kill him. I fucking hate Al Sharpton yo. I hate him so much that i don't even know why.

I'll leave you with this image. Start getting excited, this baby drops very soon.

The new Audi commercial

So i saw the new Audi commercial last night. For the most part, I thought it was crap with a hint of pretty sweet. They featured a good range of their new cars, the editing was quick paced and the queer rock soundtrack really made me feel like i was test driving the cars, with my eyes.

The only problem i had was that Robert Downey Jr. kept popping up in between the shots of the cars, jabbering on about how he had to build a special suit to fight a company that produces the weapons that almost got him killed in iraq/iran/afghanistan/barren landscape. The very same company that he owns and operates.

Now, i'm all for commercials with plotlines and interesting characters, but Audi really went all out with this one. Explosions, Terrence Howard, limb operated propulsion devices, Gwyneth Paltrow and missiles all got mentions in this one and at 126 minutes, it is one of the longest commercials I have ever been forced to sit through. Have you ever seen a car commercial with it's own hype poster?

One man, one machine, one hundred and twenty six minutes of pure Audi.

I don't give a dick about Audi's or robots for that matter, but Robert Downey Jr. is one charming son of a bitch and if you don't want to buy a car anytime soon then I suggest you avoid making eye contact with said advertisement. Here are some sounds/images that will let you know the commercial is about to start so you can evacuate before it's too late:

1. AC/DC.

2. Robert Downey Jr. charming the pants off anything around him, including pants.

3. The Audi R8, which is basically a poor man's fighter jet.

4. Fighter jets.

If you have seen all of these things, it's all over and your pants have already evacuated your body. Watch it through to the end for one of the most exciting credit rolls ever seen in a commercial.