Saturday, September 27, 2008

Free big mac's without being disabled/homeless.

I don't care what any of you say, the golden arches will always reign supreme in the realm of post alcoholic frolics. I don't mess with kebabs because the kebab spots i mess with smell like sweat and tabouli. I also don't mess with paying for basic goods and services if i can help it. Here's some sweet tips for an alternative option to paying for your next late night drive through/by.

1. Make sure it's after midnight. It's a proven medical fact that McDonald's staff care less about their jobs and profit margins after 12 o'clock. Roll up on your nearest high cholesterol specialist with a little more confidence than you usually would. While you spit your game to the electronic order recorder, keep in mind that manners = richness. The staff aren't going to take you for a con-artist if you sound like you sleep on a solid gold bar with dead animals for pillows.

2. When it comes to the clutch and you're expected to part with the samoleans, request to pay by card. Be sure to select the wrong account or even better, pre-meditate bankruptcy so the sale is declined. This way you have a few sympathy seconds to pretend that you're looking for cash. Be sure to leave any cash back at your house so it looks legitimate.

3. Hopefully, by the time you've searched your wallet for currency, the Ronald at the window will be so overcome by your story that he or she will casually utter one of the two passwords. You'll want to hear either 'Merry Christmas' or 'Happy Birthday' at this point in time.

4. Act surprised. Ask them what they mean and (assuming they haven't called your bluff) they'll say something along the lines of "it's midnight and for some reason i suddenly don't care about profit margins or my job anymore. Have some free Big Macs". It is at this point that you need to act most cool. Tell them that they are great and that it actually is your birthday or christmas the next day and they will feel less bad about giving you free food. In other words, everybody wins.

5. As you approach the food window, act as if nothing illegitimate went down at the previous window. This is very important because if you jeapordise the cash window's job security, you're also jeapordising your own financial future. McDonald's is expensive and you want to pay for as little of it as possible. Once you've built a relationship with the cash window, you could pretty much have them catering your birthday parties for free.

6. Once the meal has made it from their property to yours, get the fuck out of there. Don't hang around and double check the order because, newsflash, you got it for free. Anything that enters your digestive tract is now profit and you can sleep easy knowing that you are doing your bit against capitalism.

7. Poop it out 8 minutes later.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

David Blaine needs to exit stage life.

Wow, a whore in mid-air.

If only 'douchebag' could be cured with a simple mid-air suspension. Unfortunately David, being in the air doesn't make you any less of a douchebag. It just makes you an airborne douchebag and as far as i can remember, no one appreciates them more than they would a ground-bound douchebag.

Die and come back to life, then i'll be impressed. Be sure to die again afterwards because no one is paying attention to you anymore.

Amadeus for Dummies.

If you're ever looking for first date movie fodder, i highly recommend 'Amadeus'. Not only will it make you look cultured and sensitive, but it has a guaranteed-to-get-you-laid rating that hovers between fingerbang and abortion scare.
The story follows this guy called Antonio who hates Mozart because Mozart is way more talented and he feels that God is taking the piss by granting such a gift to someone that acts like Cosmo Kramer on a permanent helium trip. What is more important though is that this part is played by a man named F. Murray Abraham, who is famous for his role as Omar, the pile from Scarface that ended up bungee jumping from a helicopter by his neck. He's a jerk, but you feel sorry for him because Mozart is a little smart-ass who runs around charming the city folk with his undeniable musical gift whilst simultaneously making Anotonio look like a grumpy old asshole.
Anyway, the plot owns, it's a really entertaining insight into Mozart's music and the costumes are so on point that you will feel slightly queer for appreciating them. Good queer though, like when your friends are teasing you because of the way you slurp an ice cream cone and you pretend to be offended and all anti-queer, but deep down you are enjoying every minute of it.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Athletics this weekend.

As you all may know, spring's earliest excuse to get on the penguins aka 'Parklife' is coming up real soon. Now, you also may know that 'krapfile' is a rather witty anagram for the afformentioned event. What you probably don't know is that Parklife is expensive and not everyone has $100 to legally enter the venue.
So you're sitting there thinking "hang on champion, how does one enjoy the likes of Neon Neon, Grafton Primary and Miami Horror without the exchange of Australian currency?" Simple, if you haven't already consumed your entire carton of lollie drinks and popped your little circular mood enhancers, make the right decision and don't go.

On the other hand, if half naked men with camouflage headbands and fake assault rifles sounds like your cup of tea, then i have a solution to your lack of money and organisation. It's called the 'five kilometre high jump' and all you need to participate is some trainers, a half-filled goon bag and an i-pod.
Rock up to the venue minus sobriety and prepare to enter the 'mourning period'. This is where you walk around the venue, pretending to look all devo/like you have more important things to do than jump the fence. It may take two or three laps but your basic aim during the mourning period is to suss out how many security guards there are for every five metres and how un-interested in their job they are. Your i-pod will come in handy here, you won't have to listen to the music inside the venue and you have something to keep you occupied for the next half an hour.
Once you've sussed the perimeters out, it's time to find your gap and infiltrate (no homo). There's a few different methods for this:

1. One for the adrenaline junkie, or just junkies in general, the 'all out debaucherous full scale attack super method' will ensure victory to only a chosen few. Take every man you have (pause) and run at the fences like they stole your tickets. If you lag at the back a bit and let the overzealous fall first, you will gain entry completely hassle free. If you are a pussy or tend to hesitate in life-changing moments, you should probably come back and try again next year.

2. The 'wait for the premature attempt by the drunken locals' method is just as good as a ticket in your hand. During the 'mourning period' you will have no doubt acquired a small following. Instead of telling them to find their own damn jumping spot, ensure them that you are all going in together. Point to a gap and let them do the rest. Then, while they are being escorted from the venue you will have free choice of any spot within a ten metre radius for a good five to seven seconds.

3. The 'braveheart' method will see you and your comrades mooning the opposition and then somehow appearing inside the venue. I haven't tried this yet but have heard stories of it's success.

Using one or all of these methods at the same time will guarantee entry, now you can walk around wondering why the actual process of getting into the festival was more enjoyable than the festival itself.

See you there (i'm not going)!

Diddy done did it with the doo-doo.

Wow, there is way too much material to work with here. I could write pages and pages, but instead, i'll leave you with some other possible titles for this post:

- All that glitters, is now poop.
- P. Doodoo.
- "If i could afford the gas, i would've flown straight over that"
- "Can my Saudi Arabian brothers and sisters please send me a stick?"

I know it's not possible, but i imagined all the dogs standing around the corner high-fiving eachother. Then one of them pulls out this list with all these names on it and crosses P. Diddy off it. Kid Rock is the next name on the list for reasons made up.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Best Girlfriend Pt. 2

Mr. Samsung lost his job, he got fired,
so i copped the 3G just as soon as the 2 retired.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Channel 10, you've done it (failed) again!

Hot on the heels of Big Brother, Big Brother Uncut, Friday night download, Biggest Loser, Bondi Rescue and an entire shit farm of brain leprosy, 'Taken Out' is another program that Channel 10 can proudly regret ever taking on board. If the premise for this program doesn't shit all over itself enough, you can guarantee the host happily sits atop everything else that is wrong with this program and empties his colon all over ten's prime time slot with stirling precision.

The premise? How does twenty chicks standing in a semi-circle sound? Yeah? You like that? How about we give them all buttons? Fuck yes! Then we'll invite a self-righteous chump to stand in the middle of all the chicks to be analysed and then given a grade at the end of the show! Here's the clincher though, the girls all have their own opinions, but not to the point where they sound individual, more to the point where they contradict themselves for half an hour straight. We need a materialistic girl, an outdoorsy type, a hippie, a businesswoman, a surfie chick, a couple of overweight girls, one or two girls of asian/african descent and a downright whore who is purely there to give the show some edge, that way we have a good overall concensus of how a man should act, what he should look like and when/where he should have been born.

Right, now for the host. He needs to look like Rove McManus, he needs to be kind of quirky but not so much that the male audience can't relate to him and he needs to awkwardly walk around the stage, dropping charismatic one-liners in response to the chicks opinions. We also need a ten to twenty second silence while he walks between the girls, so the viewers can prepare for the crazy things that the chicks will no doubt come up with. Crazy things like "I don't like his jeans" and "i didn't like the part where he broke up with one of his ex-girlfriends, i need security in a man". Then the whore can say something controversial in respect to what he does for a job or his marital status. Something along the lines of "he can take my bin out any time!" or even "i like his jeans, but they'd look better on the floor of the hospital where he's delivering my future babies!".
Now, when the show comes to the closing minutes, instead of a conclusion or the prospect of more entertainment, we need to just cut to the credits. Kind of how a really bad movie ends but instead of the viewer feeling like they've wasted an hour and a half, they only feel like they've wasted half an hour.

And there you have it, the ingredients for the worst concept for a television show ever let to air. I can't wait for Channel 10 and it's reality television super scouts to cook something else up.
Until then, i'll stay 'seriously' not participating.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Curb-post-pedestrian-post-car-curb. Repeat.

I'm not going to lie, i've been seriously stressing out about the lack of updating i've been doing on my blog. I've been waking up in cold sweats, freaking out in public places and not caring at all. To be honest though, fuck all has been happening and i'm almost content with the state of the universe at the moment. I'm pretty close to completing Bioshock and I still have Halo 2 and 3 to run through, plus, i haven't even gone online with them shits yet. I went online with Mike Carroll's skateboarding game the other night and ended up competing against some anus by the name of 'BaM PuNkoR' or some shit. The guy was not only a fucking cheat, but had absolutely no grasp of what actual skateboarders do on actual skateboards. Plus, he had the trick selection of a guy in a wheelchair and i could tell (from the other side of the world) that he was just fiddling the joysticks in the hope that he'd do something that i couldn't front on. Bad move. Aside from humiliating him and winning to the point of defeat, I dealt with his self-esteem the same way i deal with my pay slips and phone bills, i disposed of it. BaM PunK88 promptly left the game and as far as i recall, smashed his x-box, burnt his entire cky and jackass dvd collection, ripped the HIM posters off his wall and begun a new life dedicated to being as good at SKATE as i am.
Now, just because i am ridiculously good at this game, doesn't necessarily mean i enjoy it. In fact, SKATE is by far the most frustrating video game experience i have ever experienced. Here's how career mode goes:

Day 1.
I learnt how to ollie today. This really nice man at the skatepark showed me how to do heelflips but they kept turning into frontside shove-its and more ollies! Gosh it was fun! Especially for me, a champ that has been playing video games for a long time and demands a certain amount of compliance from a new game no matter how friendly the learning curve proposes itself to be! Anyway, i didn't let that get in my way, i just pretended that the ollies were heelflips for the rest of my session!

Day 2.
Woke up early, some guy keeps following me around with a camera commenting on my tricks. Sometimes he's nice and sometimes he's mean and sometimes he even sounds like he wants to ask me out on a date! I'm getting pretty good at flipping my board around now, i learnt some new tricks and some guy even took photos of me! I think it's going on the cover of a magazine and i'm pretty sure that the local shop wants to sponsor me. All these really friendly people are messaging my T-Mobile Sidekick (plug) and asking me to hang out with them. I have a feeling i'm about to blow the fuck up!

Day 3.
Wow, today was full of bad vibes and negative energy. I was trying to film this line and every time i was perfectly set up for the ledge, a man would walk directly in front of it! And the man was always black! I'm not being racist, but that guy was a glitch on my mainframe. I got my trick eventually, but then at the next spot i was totally buggin. Paul Rodriguez wanted me to nollie 360 flip noseslide this totally perfect hubba and every time i didn't land it he'd pay some guys to have me placed 2 centimeters from the ledge, making it a major impossibility for me to get my trick! I tried it a couple of times anyway and ended up on the stairs! Then i tried to get off the stairs but gravity was staining the situation and i ended up face-planting on every stair before i got to re-do my trick! Then i hit a pole! Then a car hit me into a pedestrian who then slapped me into a curb which by some miracle positioned me perfectly in front of the ledge! So i'm finally set up for my final mission and the black guy pops up again! I didn't even see him walk towards the ledge! Man, virtual skateboarding is real hard.

Day 4.
I still can't pick my skateboard up and walk around. It's getting kind of embarassing now. I skated ten blocks to get to this one spot, only to find that there are eight stairs in the way. Eight stairs is one too many stairs for me to ollie up, so i have to skate another ten blocks just to get to the other side of it. I can grab my board, why can't i pick it up?

Day 5.
Things are getting desperate now. I've been purposely running into cars all day just so my board will leave my feet. I heard SKATE 2 is coming out soon. God i hope i can pick my board up when that comes out. I haven't taken my socks off for a week straight and i tried to ollie into my shower last night but it ended up as a heelfip and i woke up in hospital again.

Day 6.

As you can see, SKATE 2 should be pretty good.

Monday, September 1, 2008

My girlfriend is the best.

If you don't know who the above character is, please complete the following tasks.

1. Kill yourself.
2. Systematically destroy any video game consoles you or your friends may own (based on whether or not they know who the above character is).
3. Assuming you are dead and in heaven, say hi to the above character from me.