Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Athletics this weekend.

As you all may know, spring's earliest excuse to get on the penguins aka 'Parklife' is coming up real soon. Now, you also may know that 'krapfile' is a rather witty anagram for the afformentioned event. What you probably don't know is that Parklife is expensive and not everyone has $100 to legally enter the venue.
So you're sitting there thinking "hang on champion, how does one enjoy the likes of Neon Neon, Grafton Primary and Miami Horror without the exchange of Australian currency?" Simple, if you haven't already consumed your entire carton of lollie drinks and popped your little circular mood enhancers, make the right decision and don't go.

On the other hand, if half naked men with camouflage headbands and fake assault rifles sounds like your cup of tea, then i have a solution to your lack of money and organisation. It's called the 'five kilometre high jump' and all you need to participate is some trainers, a half-filled goon bag and an i-pod.
Rock up to the venue minus sobriety and prepare to enter the 'mourning period'. This is where you walk around the venue, pretending to look all devo/like you have more important things to do than jump the fence. It may take two or three laps but your basic aim during the mourning period is to suss out how many security guards there are for every five metres and how un-interested in their job they are. Your i-pod will come in handy here, you won't have to listen to the music inside the venue and you have something to keep you occupied for the next half an hour.
Once you've sussed the perimeters out, it's time to find your gap and infiltrate (no homo). There's a few different methods for this:

1. One for the adrenaline junkie, or just junkies in general, the 'all out debaucherous full scale attack super method' will ensure victory to only a chosen few. Take every man you have (pause) and run at the fences like they stole your tickets. If you lag at the back a bit and let the overzealous fall first, you will gain entry completely hassle free. If you are a pussy or tend to hesitate in life-changing moments, you should probably come back and try again next year.

2. The 'wait for the premature attempt by the drunken locals' method is just as good as a ticket in your hand. During the 'mourning period' you will have no doubt acquired a small following. Instead of telling them to find their own damn jumping spot, ensure them that you are all going in together. Point to a gap and let them do the rest. Then, while they are being escorted from the venue you will have free choice of any spot within a ten metre radius for a good five to seven seconds.

3. The 'braveheart' method will see you and your comrades mooning the opposition and then somehow appearing inside the venue. I haven't tried this yet but have heard stories of it's success.

Using one or all of these methods at the same time will guarantee entry, now you can walk around wondering why the actual process of getting into the festival was more enjoyable than the festival itself.

See you there (i'm not going)!


jack said...

you can also email boomtix and tell them how pissed off you are about the noise on this day and you wont be able to operate your up and coming business as you work across the street.

following this you tell them there are some acts there you wouldnt mind seeing and possible swap a day of work for a day of cheek chewing.

they send you free tickets and penguins.

Yeah, Right. said...

do a fucking foster parent. do a pippa.

Julian Cole said...

Hahaha you pretty much summed up my Sydney Parklife experience, minus the iPod this was me. I went to the event solo and met some 17 year old rats who were jumping. First attempt got broken up by some fucking horsed policeman, pretty hard to get a good jump when Phar Lap is bolting straight for your nads.

Second attempt we took on the temp Indian Student Security Guards, by the time the real Maori security guards had arrived on the scene I was crunking away to Dizzee.

Nothing like a good jump!