Free big mac's without being disabled/homeless.

I don't care what any of you say, the golden arches will always reign supreme in the realm of post alcoholic frolics. I don't mess with kebabs because the kebab spots i mess with smell like sweat and tabouli. I also don't mess with paying for basic goods and services if i can help it. Here's some sweet tips for an alternative option to paying for your next late night drive through/by.

1. Make sure it's after midnight. It's a proven medical fact that McDonald's staff care less about their jobs and profit margins after 12 o'clock. Roll up on your nearest high cholesterol specialist with a little more confidence than you usually would. While you spit your game to the electronic order recorder, keep in mind that manners = richness. The staff aren't going to take you for a con-artist if you sound like you sleep on a solid gold bar with dead animals for pillows.

2. When it comes to the clutch and you're expected to part with the samoleans, request to pay by card. Be sure to select the wrong account or even better, pre-meditate bankruptcy so the sale is declined. This way you have a few sympathy seconds to pretend that you're looking for cash. Be sure to leave any cash back at your house so it looks legitimate.

3. Hopefully, by the time you've searched your wallet for currency, the Ronald at the window will be so overcome by your story that he or she will casually utter one of the two passwords. You'll want to hear either 'Merry Christmas' or 'Happy Birthday' at this point in time.

4. Act surprised. Ask them what they mean and (assuming they haven't called your bluff) they'll say something along the lines of "it's midnight and for some reason i suddenly don't care about profit margins or my job anymore. Have some free Big Macs". It is at this point that you need to act most cool. Tell them that they are great and that it actually is your birthday or christmas the next day and they will feel less bad about giving you free food. In other words, everybody wins.

5. As you approach the food window, act as if nothing illegitimate went down at the previous window. This is very important because if you jeapordise the cash window's job security, you're also jeapordising your own financial future. McDonald's is expensive and you want to pay for as little of it as possible. Once you've built a relationship with the cash window, you could pretty much have them catering your birthday parties for free.

6. Once the meal has made it from their property to yours, get the fuck out of there. Don't hang around and double check the order because, newsflash, you got it for free. Anything that enters your digestive tract is now profit and you can sleep easy knowing that you are doing your bit against capitalism.

7. Poop it out 8 minutes later.