Where'd you get that shirt? An Elia Kazan set wardrobe?

Oh my god i was in Planet Video last night and i encountered what shall forever remain as the most arrogant, self-obsessed, nerdy, pseudo-discerning, slightly-alternative-but-before-alternative-was-cool group of arts & film major cinema buffs i have ever eavesdropped on. There was four of them and if you were ever to make an independent film where a group of people stand in the new release section loudly stating their opinions on the state of movie direction and how David Lynch is overrated, these four people would not only star in it, but also direct it and then rip it to shreds after it's preview out the front of the Boston Independent film festival whilst smoking an entire pack of Camel brand cigarettes.

First, you had the leader of the pack, who was a tall, lanky male with a huge adam's apple and scruffy hair. He was wearing one of those retro t-shirts with an old hi-8 logo to display his affection for a time when movies were made in French with passion and didn't come with subtitles. Oh yeah, his shirt wasn't retro, it was actually from 1989.
Standing next to the leader was his sidekick, a Ferris Bueller rip off in a striped shirt, neat quiff and shitloads of acne. He probably had pants on as well, i was just too angry to look at the time. The sidekick didn't say much, possibly due to the fact that in between nodding his head and dropping the occasional Virginie Despentes quote, he had the leader's dick and balls firmly clamped inside his mouth.
If i'd kindly look to the right, i might just notice a girl. Conventionally, a girl wouldn't normally be accepted into such an esteemed and potentially homosexual group of art-house movie critics, but this particular female specimen had obviously become a member as part of an initiative by the group to avoid the tacky 'bromance' tag that had plagued them on their daily outings between the time a post Clueless Paul Rudd became popular and the present. This girl wore glasses, a red knit jumper, faded jeans and bootleg Doc Martens. She had no problem deflecting the obvious testosterone flying around during their debate over which modern actress would have made a suitable replacement for Lilian Gish in D.D.W Griffith's controversial Birth of a Nation. She also did this whilst simultaneously not wanting to have sex with a single member of her group.

There was another guy there as well, he had orange hair and if it's even possible, was the loser of the group. Everything he said was instantly dispelled by the leader of the group and then reinforced by the sidekick and the girl with glasses. The only reason he hangs out with them is because the false sense of belonging takes his mind off his numerous failed suicide attempts due to him not actually wanting to die until Avatar comes out. Wanting to see the obscenely over-hyped and mainstream Avatar is another reason he is shunned by his peers.

These four had no intention of actually renting anything out and were content just standing in the middle of the New Release section, loudly discussing shit foreign movies that nobody had ever heard of or cared about. I can tell they've done this before. They know they're more suited to the festival section of the video store but the New Release section gets a-lot more traffic and they're more likely to be heard by the general public and therfore, less understood than before. It was this kind of anti-attention seeking backwards logic that forced me to pick up the nearest copy of Watchmen and pretend to read the back whilst i listened in on their stimulating rhetoric.

Adam's Apple - Oh my god Silas, could you stand any closer to that Transformers cover? I don't think Frank Weller has completely revolved in his grave yet.

Sidekick - Yeah Silas, what are you trying to do? Be one of the people?

Red Jumper - *flicks hair* *rolls eyes* That's so cute Silas, of all the fine cinema featured in the New Release section, you choose Megan Fox and Michael Bay. *rolls eyes*

Orange hair - Sorry guys, i was actually standing here as a protest. Like standing in front of it symbolizes my rebel against it and will hopefully drive people away from supporting Steven Spielberg.

*Young man brushes past the group, grabs Transformers and says "Awesome"*

Adam's Apple - Yeah, nice protest Silas. Who are you? Nicholas Ray?

Sidekick - More like Nicholas Gay! *looks around*

Adam's Apple - *rolls eyes* Christian, that low brow humor reminds me of the ironic Will Ferrell craze of 2006-2007. Don't be a miscreant.

Sidekick - I know, i had a total moment of mainstream just then.

Orange Hair - So, what do you guys want to get out? I haven't seen Sophie's Choice for a while?

Red Jumper - *rolls eyes* *flicks hair* "Between the innocent, the romantic, the sensual, and the unthinkable. There are still some things we have yet to imagine". *rolls eyes*

Adam's Apple - Thank you Melody. *rolls eyes* Silas for god's sake, If you open your mouth to only display complete ignorance and a lack of film knowledge one more time, i'm going to start an online petition to have you banned from every film network on the world wide web. *looks around*

Sidekick - Forget it Donny! You're out of your element!

Adam's Apple - *Looks around* Really Christian? A Big Lebowski quote? Where are we? Video Ezy?

Red Jumper - *rolls eyes* *adjusts glasses* *rolls eyes* *looks around* *flicks hair* *has a seizure* *looks around*

I know Planet Video/Planet Books is a great place for the university students and hessian bag carrying population of the greater Mt. Lawley area to showcase their intellects and allergy to anything mainstream, but if i have to wilfuly go through anything slightly reminiscent of the above verbal exchange during a trip to the video store again, i'm going to decapitate everyone in sight with Leslie Nielsen's entire catalogue.

I came to get a movie out, not be kept up to date on how fucking lame you are.

Was Charles Wooley flirting with Robert Pattinson?

I was making this amazing pasta the other night and was totally in a groove similar to that of a certain Emperor whilst he figured out how to get it back. I had the sauce on simmer, the fettucine on smash and the vibe in the kitchen was that of a somewhat chilled out entertainer. As i applied the finishing touches to my pièce de résistance, i was stopped dead in my tracks by what sounded like shrieking teenage girls coming from the living room. Not the kind of shrieks that you ignore because it's probably just stupid girls being scared of stupid spiders, but moreso the kind of shrieks that cause a man to abandon whatever it is he is doing to fight for justice and potential bravery accolades in the form of medals and/or trophies. I immediately dropped the prosciutto, ran into the living room and was ready to eradicate whatever it was that was threatening my girlfriend and my housemate's girlfriend when, to my embarassment, i'm greeted by a much less threatening scene. The girls weren't screaming because some pedophile, rapist, kitten-torturing madman had jumped through the window to wave his willy at them, they were screaming because a preview of Robert Pattinson's interview with 60 minutes had just aired and i only had about five minutes to get as far away from the television as possible. I slowly turned around and headed back to the kitchen, red with embarassment and the realization that i may in fact, not be receiving any bravery accolades any time soon.

I've always been a fan of Charles' gentle yet firm brand of journalism. He always seems to ask the most important questions and constantly has me sitting there in awe, screaming "THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE ASKED HIM!". If someone is awesome, he interviews them awesome, if someone is a bag of shit, he'll throw bags of shit at them and make them look as uneducated and stinky as possible, almost to the point where that person will never return to Australia, or if they're already an Australian citizen, to leave Australia as soon as possible. He is basically the foreign affairs minister specializing in rich celebrity douchebags.

As a result of this admiration i was a little intrigued as to how he'd go about interviewing the biggest celebrity in the world and the one man responsible for tarnishing the vampire's otherwise deadly and irreproachable image. Will he publicly sandbag him because he feels the same way i do about vampires? Or will he suckle at his nuts like a fanboy in overdrive?

Truth is, he didn't really do either. I was personally a little surprised at Charles' approach this time round and maybe it's just me, but it looked like he was only asking those questions to make conversation with Robert, get him nice and comfortable and eventually ask him out on a date.

See the transcript for yourselves, I've highlighted the parts i found to be most suspect.

CHARLES WOOLEY: You had been, at one stage, a teenage model?

CHARLES WOOLEY: So you were trying to trade on your good looks?

CHARLES WOOLEY: You could see this as a metaphor for something else, getting serious here.

CHARLES WOOLEY: Even Tom Cruise has had a bite at it, turning Brad Pitt into a member of the dark fellowship.

CHARLES WOOLEY: I kept saying, "Go for this guy,".

CHARLES WOOLEY: You're nicely diffident, though. It's an English thing, isn't it?

CHARLES WOOLEY: Please Robert, bite me on the neck?

CHARLES WOOLEY: A nice young man.

C'mon Charles! As i watched on i kept expecting Robert to suddenly be in a skirt with no panties, seductively crossing and re-crossing his legs to gain Charles' favour and more admiration from his fans. Then i realized that happened in Basic Instinct and thank god i didn't just whip that scenario up out of nowhere.

Here are some pictures.

After being confronted with this imagery for a few minutes i had to leave the room. I'm not saying i don't respect Charles Wooley anymore, i'm just saying he lost his shit for this particular interview. A man of such esteem should never let himself be charmed by some english runabout movie star/teen model, no matter how much his skin shimmers in the sunlight. The only way i see Charles redeeming himself after this particular incident is by interviewing the more important members of the 'Twilight' cast, namely this girl.

Get em' Wooley!

"Nice shirt bro..........glassed anyone tonight?"

Whenever i check facebook in the morning i always follow a regimental process known as the 'douche-filter'. It's a pretty basic technique that enables me to scan my live feed at a faster than usual pace, taking in all the important information and simultaneously dispelling the warm garbage juice that takes up 80% of my feed at any given time. All the relevant information is stored in a pile to the back of my brain should i need to discuss it with others at a later time or if need something to talk about, and the rest is completely discarded to the same area where i store all my important engagements and bill reminders and thus, completely forgotten. It's not fancy in any sense of the word but it is the most reliable process of elimination in my life at the moment.

Successful live feed information includes:

- Hilarious youtube videos involving cats, old people scrapping, cats scrapping and Lil Wayne documentary previews.

- People failing at life. "Oh man i just runned over a bird, i suck", "i'm on facebook in a public toilet, i just did shits lol" or the always entertaining "anyone got anywhere to live?".

- Epic chain comments on status updates. Anything above 3o comments on a status update requires my immediate attention as the contributors are clearly up to something comical and/or clever.

Unsuccessful live feed information includes:

- Band/live gig/promotional information. I hate this stuff more than anything else on Facebook. I don't go to gigs very often, and if i ever do they tend to be the type of gigs you hear about on advertising venues besides Facebook before eventually seeing them on Facebook. God knows why i accept requests from these companies, i get 20 emails a day and at least 21 of them are invites to gigs i'd never set foot in. I get it, you have to promote your gig and Facebook is the easiest way to reach the net-savvy youth of today but even your supporters can only tolerate so much spam rape in one day.

- Farmville. I'm juvenile as shit, i play video games, take very little seriously and gain great pleasure from new release confectionery, but i'll be damned if i ever stoop to Farmville's level of immaturity. This is like the World of Warcraft of Facebook but instead of never hearing about it and it's primary user base being violent loner asexual nerds, my live feed is getting pounded by people i thought i knew and how well their computer generated carrot crops are going. Oh no! A black cat wandered onto your farm and i subsequently blocked all Facebook contact with you! Unlucky!

- Fuck i hate Farmville.

- Shitty Youtube videos that i've seen a million times. If you post a Youtube video that 6,958,954,394 people have viewed, chances are i've seen it.

So with my filter in full effect this morning i stumbled across the following news article.

"Metrosexuals banned to curb violence."

I had a read through it and instantly recognised the name of the venue and the people that were running it. The venue is known as Dorcia and is run by one Scott Mellor. I've spoken to Scott on numerous occasions and he is a polite, well-mannered individual with a good business mind and an awareness of what the 'alternative' youth want when they let their collective hairs down. Dorcia originally started as a bi-monthly party at the otherwise uninhabitable Leederville hotel and was aimed at a pretty diverse crowd whom all shared the same distaste for the rest of Perth's excessively lame nightclubs. You had your hardcore crowd, skateboarders, bmx'ers, your streetwear afficiandos and more than enough young lasses to cater to the aforementioned groups. Nowadays, it has become a national weekly event, is celebrated in both Melbourne and Perth and has given exposure to and promoted the careers of local DJ's armed only with a strong word of mouth campaign and a few carefully placed wheat paste posters. Elsewhere, these people would have no choice but to adhere to the old world dress standards and mentalities of bouncers and club owners perth-wide, or be forced to stay at home through fear of being denied entry to a club they're only attending for the sake of going out, not because they actually want to be there. Their slogan?

'No metrosexual attire, no aggression, no problems.

Essentially, this advertises an evident animosity towards the general public and what is deemed acceptable by most night clubs. And why the fuck not. You only need to spend one night out in any of Perth's club districts to bare witness to the extremely stale, almost uniform, dress standards enforced by club owners who appear to cater only to football players, football supporters and a general public scared of individuality or patrons of differing taste, backgrounds, religious beliefs or whatever else they can discriminate against for the sake of achieving a nightclub full of the same person. Watch the news on any given Sunday and you're bound to see footage of a bunch snakeskin boot-wearing, faded jean endorsing, stitch pattern button-up sporting apes beating each-other senseless out the front of the Red Sea because that's what you do at the end of a big night, wrestle with men while females run scared. I mean, what else are you going to brag about to your cronies throughout the week in anticipation of going out and doing it all again next weekend?

Stereotype? Yes. Unfair? Doubt it. The club owners and the audience they appeal to have done this to themselves and now that it's happening they're saying it's unfair to exclude someone from a venue based on their appearance. A hypocrisy this extreme should attract infringements and jail time. You know why people like Scott Mellor and anyone else making an effort to avoid these characters are excluding YOU and YOUR customers now? Because when you're all lurking the streets of Subiaco, Northbridge or the City at 2am in the morning being recorded on cctv acting like a bunch of fucking morons, you are all dressed EXACTLY the same. It then gets played on Today Tonight, A Current Affair and every other local news station and you all lose another point of credibility, only to be let into the exact same venue again and again while nothing is done about it. Who else do they associate this behavior with?

I'm not endorsing exclusion or discrimination at nightclubs. There are of course other factors that contribute to violence and general fuckery at nighclubs, alcohol and drugs obviously spring to mind. These two variables however, are not up for debate as a result of Scott's decision. It's the fact that his rules are being disputed by people who wouldn't set foot in Dorcia anyway, other club owners and even Human Rights Commissioner Dr. Helen Szoke, who states "it is against the law to refuse a person service on the basis of age, sex, physical features, race and a range of other characteristics". Nice one Doc, now go and tell that to every other club that isn't Dorcia.

I was even a little apprehensive of Scott's slogan at first. I've been to Dorcia a few times myself you see. The music was too loud, the girls were too scantily clad and someone spilt beer on me. Regardless, I did have a great time and was extremely comfortable walking around in a pair of sneakers, baggy denim and a crew neck jumper, without having to worry about getting bottled or beaten for staring at some guys chick. Of course it was going to be up for debate when a new venue appears in Northbridge and doesn't accept 99% of the population, but now that i've heard Scott's side of the story and read comments published by the general public on the matter, i couldn't agree more with his stance.

I'll leave you with the kind of gold i was coming across and a prime example of the people that fall under the scrutiny of Scott's slogan.

*Completely boycotts Fur and it's related products*

How come i suddenly love Twilight and hate people that wear fur?

The X Factor.

I want to die
This flu is being a faggot
A reward for my assailant

Ladies and Gentlemen, above is a the first haiku i have ever written. It was composed on Tuesday around lunchtime, during the peak of the gnarliest flu i have ever endured. This flu was so badass that it wore a leather jacket with a patch on the back displaying five rebellious germs circling a perfectly healthy one. It rode into my immune system on a motorbike constructed of pure hatred for human health and proceeded to do bog laps around my entire person for a good 72 hours, stopping only to refuel and give me just enough time to convince myself that life is worth living and suicide isn't the most realistic cure for my illness.

I know you're sitting there thinking "what a pussy, he thinks he's a hard nut because he had the flu". It wasn't just the flu you fucking bitch. If what i had to endure was the flu, then realistically everyone that has ever had the flu wouldn't even know they had the flu, because they'd be dead already. Walls were moving with no assistance, ceilings were spinning in a similar fashion to that of a hypnotist's charm (except the charm works in reverse and takes you to hell), my nose was running faster and for longer periods than Steve Monoghetti on steroids and my fever was so severe that i learnt pyrokinesis but i didn't even want to use it because i was too sick. You know you've ventured beyond the realms of a common flu when you've learnt pyrokinesis and you don't even want to use it. So take your measly little colds and stick it where the sun shines, aka your ass, because you clearly think that is where the sun shines from if you also believe you've had this kind of flu before.

How did i deal with it though? Many would suggest prescription medicines, lemon teas and all sorts of other homo-erotic short term solutions but i think the most effective deterrent for any kind of sickness is to not get it in the first place. Don't share drinks, don't walk behind sick people or people who don't look like they shower daily and don't let your friends sneeze in your mouth. Quite simple for most (me in particular), but for those of us who are prone to catch other people's filth every now and then or are just plain jerks with weak immune systems, i bring forth two activities that will have you saying "Vomit? What vomit?"

1. A limitless supply of the X Files back catalogue.
The only television series filmed entirely during overcast weather and the owner of some serious real estate close to my heart. I don't care what anyone says, aside from Seinfeld and the earlier seasons of Samurai Pizza Cats, the X Files is the greatest of all time television series. Sewer monsters, non-twilight vampires, telekinetic dolls, killer ATM machines, mind-controlling soil, Aliens, the Internet, murderous mist, government cover-ups and Fox Mulder. It effortlessly ticks all the boxes on the curriculum vitae of awesomeness and is one of those rare franchises that you can come back to every ten years and still be blown away by it's delivery and excessively ghoulish theme song. Plus, Dana Scully is one of few female protagonists that holds the ability to get better looking with every season. I can't even imagine how good she'd look if the series ran through to this day.

2. Borderlands
Borderlands is a new game that i bought for my X-box. If i had to describe it, it would be like....you've got this train line right? And this train line runs from 'pretty cool' station all the way to the last stop at 'completely fucking radical'. Borderlands would be the drunken limousine driver that picks you up and tells you that there is a station beyond completely fucking radical that no-one knows about and he takes you there and makes the most hilarious jokes you've ever heard along the way and you feel like you're accomplishing something throughout the entire journey.

If you like your video games to include insignificant elements like 'story line' and 'cohesion' then it's probably best that you don't ever play this game. The lack of story is by far the most impressive aspect of Borderlands and i can only aspire to achieve a similar worldwide acclaim for doing absolutely fuck all.

Game Developer 1: "So, we're probably gonna have to whip a story together before we release this already finished alpha version of the game to the testers".

Game Developer 2: "Really? Damn. Umm, there's a planet called Pandora and there's, umm, this vault right? And it has treasure in it".

Game Developer 1: "Yeah! Yeah! And you're there to find it or something".

Game Developer 2: "Perfect".

Game Developer 1: "Now onto the more important matter. Did we decide on 250,000 different guns or 1,000,000"?

Game Developer 2: "Shit. Better boil the kettle".

It's true, some players have counted over a billion different guns and not even one ounce of storyline at any given point of the game. You basically just run around gathering loot, killing bandits and levelling up so you can kill more bandits later on with less effort and more body parts per square meter. Some might call it the perfect game, i would call it Jesus Christ in the flesh.

I went to a party on the weekend as well. I know it's where i caught my sickness from and I'll put some photos up soon so you can help me find the asshole. Meanwhile, go check the shredtavern for evidence of said party.

Give a fuk wat a hetter gat to say.

While you said he was nothing but a gimmick, a one trick pony and the worst rapper alive, we said he was a rising star, an artist of immense capabilities and the voice of a generation. Where you questioned our intentions, we preached the gospel and while you were at home last night hetting behind your computers, BANGS was rocking a full capacity crowd to the sweet sounds of victory and of course, his recent chart-topping venture, 'Take U To Da Movies'.

I wasn't there myself personally, but a certain Dommy Hammond was there to witness history in the making as an impressively collected BANGS tore the roof off as if he were a seasoned veteran on the live music circuit.








Seriously. Who the fuck can come out of nowhere and influence a crowd like that? He even brought popcorn! Dinner and a show! And keep your "yeh but peepl r jus lauging at him!!" mentalities to yourselves. BANGS set out to do one thing, entertain the shit out of you. If a single person at that venue last night didn't leave absolutely beaming may i suggest a booking with your nearest proctologist for immediate removal of the forrest of sticks and tree trunks clearly residing deep inside your colon.

Take U To Da Movies

Every few years a new piece of music will emerge that is so raw in concept and honest in it's delivery that it makes you wonder how you ever lived without it. I'm talking about the kind of music that pushes away big budget recording studios and professional marketing mentalities whist simultaneously welcoming new concepts and aural experimentation with a transition comparable to that of a 2002 v12 Cadillac Cien. I am of course talking about BANGS groundbreaking new single "Take U To Da Movies".

"Bangs is a 19 year old rap artist born in North Khartoum, Sudan. At the age of 11, he moved to Egypt with his family after his Father married another wife. He spent two years there before coming to Australia in 2003.

He has been writing rap, hip hop and pop since settling in Melbourne in 2004.

“Music is my wife”, Bangs sang in a live jam recently. He writes about life, love and hope and his music grows with him till the end of life.

He recorded his first demo “Girlfriend” in 2005 with DJ Wasabi in Collingwood, then started to lay down tracks in his home studio.

In July 2008, he recorded his first professional album at Gateway Living Music Studios, titled “Hard to be Up”. Produced by John Favaro and Paul Last name, it features the new hit single “Take U to Da Movies”

- Excerpt from BANGS biography.

His first single 'Take U To Da Movies' is the result of years of dedication as much as it is a dedication to all the girls who like to go to the movies. The track opens up with a shot of BANGS in the flesh and he immediately jumps into the first verse. Business as usual.

"Let me take you to the movies shorty,
i'm sure later on you'll be my baby,
lets sit down and just be by my side,
i got the popcorn, i know what size you like"

To most, this would seem like a typical r&b track about a guy that's trying to soften up his new lady friend but BANGS somehow manages to take it deeper than rap. To research this verse with an open mind is to realize that BANGS is in fact playing on the female's insatiable desire to be taken out for a good film and the idea that a hip-hop star should be able to do just that. It's a classic play on a timeless mentality and a protest to the ever recurring and somewhat stale theme in hip-hop that females are of little use in modern society and merely a tool for the male's satisfaction. The only satisfaction that BANGS is getting out of a female is that which comes from showing her a good time.







And if you thought this song was a one dimensional view on a chivalrous act, you'd be incorrect and i'd feel sorry for you. Again, if you watch the clip closely, BANGS uses the imagery as a chance to express his view on some more important issues.

Money - BANGS is by no means a political rapper, but the constant shots of money (sometimes of varying currency) is a constant reminder that the global economic crisis is still in full effect and if you play your cards right you too can be financially stable amongst tumultuous times.

Heritage - Throughout the video, background shots of BANGS' birthplace Sudan bring a certain element of pride to the track. BANGS wants you to know where he's come from, where he's at and where he's going. Namely, to the movies with a girl.

Technology - Remember the v12 Cadillac Cien i was talking about in the first paragraph? That's a concept car, as in it's not even out yet and probably never will be, yet BANGS is all too happy to show you what it could look like if it came to fruition. BANGS' is also seen to be using an iPhone in the clip, most probably to call his shorty. This a very fair look into the processes of technology and how one idea can lead to an accessory capable of changing the way we live, or can just as easily be lost in the stages of conception.

Gambling/Multiple Personality Disorder - Two more prevalent problems in modern society are discussed closer to the end. Again, BANGS is by no means a political rapper or even a conscious rapper, but he somehow manages to touch on some serious issues whilst displaying his love for the female form. Two birds, one stone.


Seeing BANGS at his final destination and the location in which he'll display his deepest affection for his shorty is by far the most climatic part of the song and the reason we all listen to BANGS in the first place. We don't catch a glimpse of the lady in question which could be taken as a subliminal message to all the women out there, hinting that it could be any of you that ends up under BANGS' spell at the cinema.

The song has been a youtube hit for a while now but only in the last few weeks has BANGS been receiving the recognition he deserves. Boasting over 120,000 views at any given time, BANGS' presence is now being felt on an international level and his popularity has skyrocketed to heights seldom seen by an independent Australian artist (see every winner of Australian Idol).

If there was ever a time for BANGS to capitalize on the currently stagnant Australian r&b/hip-hop market, now is that time. BANGS has the look, the lyrics and the catchy hooks to become a permanent fixture on the otherwise bile-inducing Australian pop charts and he has my full support on his journey.

BANGS sophomore album 'Hard To Be Up' is due for release on the 4th of December this year through a yet to be named distributor.

Silly Windows XP

I checked the time on my computer this morning and it was an hour after what time i thought it was at that time!! I was so excited when i realized that my day was going to go an hour faster than days in recent history and decided to celebrate by synchronizing my watch to the same time because that's what you do in daylight savings, you set your watch forward like everyone else in Western Civilization.

I went down to my local deli to get some breakfast supplies and much to the surprise of my tolerance processor, it wasn't open! I was pretty pissed off, but still happy from when i checked the time earlier so i patiently sat and waited for a little while. An exact hour passed and the little Asian guy that runs the deli rocked up all nonchalant and acting like he didn't know why i was sitting there. We talk sometimes, we're not complete anons, but not complete bff's either. He looks at me and says "hello what the fuck are you doing here", not like that, but i could tell he wanted to hurl expletives at me. I mean, I'd do the same if i saw some punk sitting outside my work before i got there and he wasn't getting paid for it. I replied "err, you're late" like his manager or something and he was all "fuck outta here, i'm right on time as always". It's true, Asian people are the most punctual and efficient people in W.A. but I could tell it was going to get heated regardless.

I jammed my watch in his face so hard that he almost went back in time and said "LOOK! YOU'RE LATE". He karate chopped me hard enough to knock me back, but also soft enough to only just get my attention. I tried to throw a fireball at him but at this point he was unlocking the door and not even looking at me. He made it in just in time for me to not throw a fireball at him and i went inside, grabbed my overpriced groceries and smashed them on his counter, still upset about his lack of sympathy for me while i waited for him. As he overcharged me, my half-asleep gaze was directed towards the massive digital clock above the cigar stand and it displayed the time an exact hour prior to what i had set my watch to. Then, all the karate chops and fireballs in the world couldn't stop me from one particularly rude awakening.

Oh hai! I'm Perth. I'm run by old people, farmers, crybabies, whingers, whiners, pussies and people that don't vote. I enjoy procrastination, darkness, early finish times, simple food and a good night's rest. I prefer the quiet life, opinions tend to rub me the wrong way and you can keep your small bars, convenience, late nights, good coffee and culture to yourself! I've got a beach!

I apologized to Joe (that's what all the english people that shop there call him, even though i'm 100% sure that's not his name which is kind of racist if you think about it, joe's just to polite to say anything) grabbed my expensive groceries and stomped back home, not without starting a fight with a swan and spitting on a freshly planted kangaroo paw.

Nova 100

I know what you did yesterday.....