Monday, February 2, 2009

An open letter to Prime Minister Rudd.

"The Rudd Government today announced five key $950 one-off payments for low and middle income households and individuals.
The Government is providing these cash payments to immediately support jobs and strengthen the Australian economy during a severe global recession. These targeted cash bonuses are a key element of the Government’s $42 billion Nation Building and Jobs Plan to support up to 90,000 Australian jobs".

Dear Kevin,

First of all, i think a congratulations is due. Not only are you a Prime Minister, but you are also giving me $950. I can totally see why you're Prime Minister now. John Howard throws 10% on top of everything i buy and you just give me $950 like it's nothing. The only time i've ever received a similar amount to that is on Christmas or my birthday, but both of those occasions don't count because i worked hard to make it to both of them.
It is for this reason that i find you to be stronger and more handsome than John Howard and you can probably run faster as well.
Now, i don't know anything about our government, treasuries, Prime Ministers or anything like that, but i know that getting free money is more important than all of those things will ever be.
I'm not sure about your intentions for the money but i'm thinking about just blowing it all on material objects that catch my eye at the time. I could invest it or save it or give it to the poor, but with the impending recession (there's another word i know nothing about!) i think an impromptu spending spree with no logical thought behind it is the perfect way to enjoy your gift.

Out of sheer respect for you, here's a list of what i intend on buying.

* Video games.
* Designer sunglasses.
* That's about it.

Also, do you think could you give me a little bit more money? I know heaps of people that make more than me that are getting the same amount and i'd be happy to call them out if it meant a little extra land on my estate. Also, it'd be pretty great if you could get it to me earlier than April as well, that way we can get the ball rolling on this whole 'video games and sunglasses' thing i'm trying to get going over here.

Let me know how you go brother, you can reply in the comments section or send an email to the address on the left. Once again, i know that John Howard is rolling in his grave over how much of a champ you are. Keep it up and get the/more money to me as soon as possible.

Your friend,


Scagnetti said...

I sware I posted my news bulletin post after I checked and realised you did one today swell.


dosh said...


I have a feeling Malcolm is going to get all ansy and try to block that shit cause he doesnt want to look less cool when he gets into government.

I think this should be part of their voting messages. "Vote for me and I will give you $950"...."Nah, vote for me and I will give you $1,500"

It would make it much easier to know who to vote for.

Me said...

Yes! Voting slips should look like this:

Please tick the following box.

[ ] $950.

[ ] $1500.

[ ] Greens.