Sunday, February 8, 2009

Getting smacked with the chain mail.

1. I was not born yellow.
Contrary to Seymour's blog, i was actually not born yellow. Nope, just a healthy pink sheen for myself. I also didn't cry once and i was the most co-operative new born the hospital had ever seen. The poor doctor that normally smacks you was just standing there really awkwardly, not knowing what to do with his hands. My birth was such a relaxing event that they play recordings of it in the emergency waiting room to calm the patients down.

2. My nuts saved my life.
No hidden meanings here folks, my little (or massive if you want to get scientific) fellas are actually responsible for my being here right now typing this blogger equivalent of a myspace quiz. Let me set the scene. Eight years old, camping trip, Margaret River. The site we stayed at was remarkably close to the river and some talented ex-campers had gone to the trouble of setting up a rope swing that featured as our main source of entertainment during the stay. After a couple of days of listening to the adults and following a set list of rules, my confidence felt like an imprisoned creature ready to burst out in a fit of super human feats and attention seeking. On one particular swing i decided that waiting is for pussies and grabbed the rope as some kid from another site had done his thing. I ran, jumped and swung out, much to my own enjoyment. Little did i realise that the child before me sucked at swimming and had not removed himself from the point of impact. This is when things got a little teste. I was forced to delay my extraction but the only problem with this is that the water got extremely shallow as i made my way back to the rocky out crop that was my point of departure. What do i do? Land early and break my legs or try and execute a near impossible landing back where i came from? I chose the latter. I came back to the outcrop at speed, stuck my legs out, closed my eyes and prayed. The pain i felt at impact was as much horrific as it was laced with joy at the realization that i was still alive. I had broken the collision with afformentioned nuts and at the same time, inadvertently dodged a rather sharp stick that was aimed precariously at my face. Tears followed, chicks dig scars and the rest is history.

3. I have had the worst jobs you could ever imagine.

- Trolley kid
- Labourer's labourer
- Fish salesman
- Baker's Assistant
- Office Space
- Proffesional Blogger.

Next time you're sitting around unemployed and think to yourself "maybe i should get of my ass and do something with my life!", don't. Stay at home, stay unemployed. It's safe, you get free money if you're smart and you'll never have to concern yourself with such formalities as maintaining relationships, responsibility and being a contributing member of society.

4. I won't walk or stand behind people that i think are unhygienic or sick.
I have this theory of the 'human slipstream' that involves catching filth or a disease from anyone walking in front of you. You know how formula one drivers wait behind the car in front in order to catch some sweet overtaking points? Humans are the same, except you don't get points, you get AIDS. I will generally go at least five metres out of my way to maintain a safe distance between myself and someone i think is unhealthy. Even people walking past me from the opposite direction. That small gust of wind you get from a passer-by could be carrying your demise and i'll be damned if i'm going to let anyone get close enough to me to find out.

5. This is the most monotonous task i've ever had to endure.
Seriously.

6. I have very little faith in humanity and i am the most cynical person i have ever met.
I don't know why, but everything pisses me off. Not everything so much, just a-lot of most things. Why did that person say that? Surely that girl over there knows she is pissing me of? Why doesn't she stop? What is that group of guys wearing? When do i benefit from this situation? Why me? Life is a series of trials and tribulations, not just for yourself, but for your tolerance levels of other people going through their trials and tribulations. Find a hobby like complaining, run with it for a decade and watch as it blossoms into a complex that may or may not involve a mailbag and an ak-47.

7. I played Gears of War 2 for six hours straight yesterday.
AND my girlfriend was in my bedroom with me the whole time.
I win.

2 comments:

Scagnetti said...

Totally agree with the whole 'human drafting' thing.

I try to hold my breath for atleast long enough to see the white light when somebody sneezes or coughs anywhere near me.

Putting you through the most monotonous task you have ever experienced.

I win.

Younger, not quite as witty, Menzies said...

2. My nuts saved my life.

This makes me reminisce of my childhood.

Blackwood River made you who you are today.

I applaud your ability to write about what seemed like a childhood nightmare.

You do win.