Friday, October 16, 2009


They say that one sneeze equates to 1/10th of an orgasm. If this is the case i should have had at least two full orgasms yesterday and a little just-over-half-orgasm at the end of the day.
So how come i sneezed 26 times yesterday and didn't even get a boner? Not even a tingle? If the above calculation had any truth, anyone with hayfever would just stay at home all day eating lawnmower clippings and rolling around in cats. Instead, i walked around all day spraying inanimate objects and people with the contents of my nasal passage whilst simultaneously sniffling like a crack addict, rubbing my already swollen eyes and stumbling into the very inanimate objects that i was sneezing all over, which is great because not only did i have to control the mucous flowing from my nose, mouth and eyes, but also had to dodge new patches of mucous that i was in fact creating myself. I wanted to die, which isn't an orgasm. In fact, the only time i've ever reached climax as a result of continuous sneezing was that time it didn't happen, which technically means that it didn't happen.

People that don't have hayfever are always mega sympathetic to those of us that get it, but in my eyes their claims of worry and concern are completely unwarranted because they have no concept of how fucking shit hayfever actually is. Or you get those people that see you sneezing and are all like "Woah! You're gonna have an orgasm if you keep going that way!".

How about, let's say, i sneeze in your mouth?

You'll never understand our pain. We have the flu, a cold, allergies, unattractiveness, pink eye, overactive sweat gland syndrome and depression all at once and the best you can muster up is something about orgasms because you think laughter is the best medicine or that hayfever is 'cute'. Trust me, if i could transfer this feeling over to you, i would.


ckm said...

stolen from a friend on facebook "Hayfever is God's way of telling you you're not a good enough person to enjoy the full glory of spring."

strOrbz said...

"Hughesy and Kate" stole your blog post about hayfever and the subsequent non orgasmic pleasure that it brings basically word for word this morning on Melbourne Radio. I think you have two choices,
1. Be stoked that Hughesy and Kates writers read your blog;
2. Sue

Me said...

What the fuck is a Hughesy and Kate?
Option 1 is not really an option seeing as the people that read my blog are also the people that stole from it aka not stoked.

I'd love to sue them if only for the prospect of counter-sueing them. I've always wanted to counter-sue someone.

Thanks for the info, i'll have my people (me) look into it.