The iPhone 5: You're going to use it a lot.

This morning I woke up and checked my Facebook and people were hyping the shit out of the iPhone 5. I didn't even know the iPhone 5 was ready yet but then I realized it's been about 15 minutes since the iPhone 4 came out so we're obviously due for a new one. I've gone to the liberty of editing Apple's spec sheet because it didn't read very well and made me feel like I was being sold something I already had by a team of youth co-ordinators. 

 

'She showing the tattoo'

If you have an Instagram account chances are you're one of the 2.6 million people following successful female pop artist, Rihanna. Like many other celebrity Instagram accounts, Rihanna's online presence gives her followers the opportunity to see what she's up to without them having to resort to the old ladder and binoculars methods of yonder. Most celebrity Instagram feeds are filled with the same mundane content; including safe photos of heavily accessorized pets, totally sweet organic juice bars, crooked horizons, over-edited selfies, entry level motivational posters and organized collections of possessions the likes of which we'll never come to possess.

Badgalriri, however, tends to reside on the outskirts of the predictable Hollywood brand of social networking and has employed a much more personal approach, giving her peanut gallery of Instagram addicts a very personal insight into her daily life with a regularly updated feed that advertises the life of a hugely successful female artist with the world at her feet and simultaneously broadcasts the struggles of a young woman emotionally cracked under the monolithic weight of fame and worldwide adoration.

A couple of days a go Rihanna took to Instagram with an ode to her late grandmother. The image shows two shots, one of a tender moment between herself and her grandmother and the other, a photo of a new tattoo in dedication to her recent loss. Now, I'm not a fan of Rihanna's music at all; I can name two of her songs and probably mispronounce a third one if you put me on the spot. I am on the other hand, a fan of her genuine realness and constant abrasion to the cliched, tragic-but-not-too-tragic female pop goddess stereotype, which is obviously why I'm following her on Instagram. With that said, I was able to identify the meaning and significance of the above image within seconds of scrolling across it, not just because of it's blatant clarity, but also because of the fact she'd posted a borderline NSFW photo of the new tattoo not hours prior. Assuming Rihanna's astronomical fan-base had been following her for the short period of time between the posting of these two photos (a safe assumption considering she's had more than 2 million followers for longer than a few hours), one could only believe that they, being far more dedicated fans than I am, would understand the image accordingly right?

Perhaps not...
That's ok though, maybe missrekik is part of that minute percentage of fans who began following Rihanna inside the timeframe between the first post of the tattoo and.......the second post of the tattoo. Missrekik's enquiry was the most coherent of the thousands that appeared within moments of the post so I began checking intermittently to make sure that someone would clarify the image for her so she could get on with her day.

 

Whoa, whoa! Hold up now! Not only did missrekik have her confusion put to rest by one thoughtful follower, she had her expectations smashed by four consecutive clarity bombs all dropped within nanoseconds of eachother! All is well and it seems and we can all get back to our jobs and families and life outside of Rihanna's Instagram profile.

Then it began:

Yep we got it, thanks again for clear.....

Ok, if you'd just look up we can contin........

Well, it's not so much that we're fucking idiots. It's more that we already know it's the......

Oh for fuc.....

 

Yes! You are getting it! You just explained exactly what's happening!

Wow.

Holy crap! Does kensington_xoxo have something to do with solving intricate instagram mysteries?

Yelling doesn't work either.

Yes she has. Remember the photo she posted showing the new tat she got dedicated to her grandma? Check that one out!

Yaaaay!!

A wild _gingercunt appears!

...........A wild thund3rpussy appears!

 

24 hours and ten thousand explanations later apexradio doesn't know wtf that lower pic is supposed to be and RIHANNA is the zooted one? WOW WOW WOW WOW!

 

  

I'd never seen anything like it before and I couldn't look away. What began as a touching tribute between two people, a tribute of spiritual implications that go beyond anything that can be processed by a camera phone, had suddenly turned into an internationally adopted game of Lets All Say The Same Thing At The Same Damn Time.

Granted the phenomenon is probably nothing more than a bunch of people posting at the same time on a profile that gets thousands of views a second, but imagine if someone not previously familiar with Instagram and it's inner workings came across this type of fuckery? In hundreds of years time when future archeologists are researching our history, I pray for their sake that they don't find this.

I also hope that they aren't made aware of one charashepard, whose contributions to the open forum associated with Rihanna's post include the following:

 

Charashepard: Mother, entrepreneur, business owner and, whenever she gets a spare 5 hours, highly unstable Instagram user and Rihanna fan.

smh.