I got sassed

So I went to this cafe the other day that shall remain nameless (Cantina if you wanted to know) and I ordered my food and got sassed straight out of left field and then out of the fucken ballpark as well. For the uneducated, getting sassed means when someone vomits their attitude all over you but it's also really cold and calculated and bitchy. It's not a coincidence that 'sassed' also contains the word 'ass' due to the people that do it being fucken buttholes. Girls are really good at it and the girl that did it to me may have even invented it.

So anyway it was about 8am in the morning and yeah, granted I wasn't at maximum mental capacity as I'd just woken the fuck up and as a result had forgotten that this place has table service and it's a cardinal sin to order a scrambled eggs on toast and 3/4 long macchiato at the counter (SORRY). I thought everything was going well but as soon as I had politely concluded my request this sassquatch just stops what she's doing all of a sudden, lays her little sassy pen on the counter and looks at her little fucken notepad for a second before letting out a mega sarcastic "uuummmmmmmm, yeeeeaaahhhh....." and slowly looks up at me (she hadn't been looking at me the whole time). I stood there for a second and gave her a few moments to regain her composure because she'd obviously lost her mind thinking she could speak to me like that and then she drops this on me, "See, it's actually table service here?" She said it like it was a question, her sassy little voice rising with every passing syllable, like every fucken sassy sonofabitch does.

I can't stand people like this. They think they have some kind of interpersonal high ground because of the way they talk and the way their beady little eyes roll around inside their sockets. You can't do dickall about it as well because they're so sincere in their ways that you can't do anything but write a blog post about it days later. Dear Sassquatch, here's what I think: You're 8, plain and simple. You don't know how to interact with adults so everything you say rolls up an incline of cheap sarcasm and highly visible self-doubt. All 8 year-olds ever do is ask for shit, so whenever you open your sassy little cake-hole it ends up being a question not only in the literal sense, but also a question of your role in society, of which there isn't one. You got me as well. I walked in expecting the same level of professionalism that I usually receive when I go to Cantina, but you falcon punched those expectations with such precision and experience that all I could do was nod my head in defeat and walk to the outside table. However, what I really wanted to do after our little exchange was suplex you over the counter and into the nearest lava pit.

Lucky you're 8 though, you fucking dropkick.

Kronic: Alternative or Replacement?

As I sit here completely immersed in this man made tapestry of equal parts bake and tuna; attentively reveling in it's thrifty wholesomeness and blatant holiness, a philosophical process of considerably larger implications fills my cerebral passages the way a rushing flood would a highly populated metropolis.
If I wasn't so monumentally high right now, would this tuna bake be just as tasty?

In short, no, definitely not, that's ridiculous.

At length, no, that really is ridiculous. Let me break it down for you in the easiest way possible because it's the only method I know of. Getting high is heaps of fun, it's so much fun that I can't even remember. When you're high everything is great and everything becomes hilarious, even cats and some people as well. Take this example on for size, say you have to go to a movie or something boring and annoying like that and you have to sit there and watch the whole thing without being high. I know right? That'd be the complete worst. That's why getting high is so great, the evidence is undeniable, don't look it up. "But, guy whose blog I'm reading right now, how can you be high at this point in time when when the purchasing of Marijuana and other hallucinogens is a criminal offense punishable by nothing or sometimes a lecture?", I hear you collectively query.


Two words, Kronic. Read em' and weep.

This one day my buddy Scott was all "man, so, this guy just gave me this crazy pot, except for that it's not pot". I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about and wanted to get it out of him so I asked him what he was talking about and he said those same two words, "it's called Kronic, and it made me stay on my couch for aaaaages". I was blown away and glad that he'd finally told me. But I didn't really believe him at the start. No one gives away anything ever. The only things I get asked when I'm walking around is to fill out a god damn petition or to pay for some guy to practice his guitaring in the middle of the street. Practice at home man, you're pretty bad at guitaring.


So I slept on it and had totally forgotten about it all day and then that night my other buddy Charlie was saying 'gamechanger' heaps. I've always liked the term 'gamechanger', it sounds like something with the capabilities of changing whichever game it is a derivative of, like an outside influence that rides in on a motorbike and says "fuck this, I'm changing all this bullshit in here" and the other components and regulations just sit there in awe of his sweet steed and his suave, yet completely commanding demeanor. I weasled my way into the conversation by not listening as much to the conversation I was currently engaged in. People do it to me all the time, call the wahmbulance if you like but it's true. He was talking about this crazy synthetic marijuana that gave him what-for's the night prior (I'm not 100% if it was the night prior or a couple of nights before, I'm just going by what I could hear ok). I interrupted everyone and started asking him all these questions about it and he was just throwing convincing statements back like "man, it's the greatest thing ever" and "this shit is changing the game, it's a gamechanger". What was this crazy ganja everyone was talking about all of a sudden and why wasn't everyone around me smoking it already if it was as capable of changing the game as Charlie had professed not five minutes ago?

By now I was more hyped on Kronic than anyone I had ever met. I told everyone about it, I told everyone how intriguing it all was and how it's legal and how we should all just go get some already. I have a few friends that like getting high, I refer to them as my 'other friends', it's like a code so when I'm hanging out with my healthy friends and they ask me to hang out for longer I can just say "sorry, I have to go and see my....stoner friends". They never suspect anything and the friendships last a lifetime. One of my 'stoner' friends (who shall remain nameless on account of my healthy friends might be reading this) called me up the next morning and was all ".......maaaaannnnnn". That was all he said! He sounded like a combination of comatose and going down a waterslide. I called him back to make sure his phone didn't cut out the first time and then he answers and is all ".........maaaaannnnnn!", a little more enthusiastic than the first time, like a slightly faster waterslide maybe? I caught on and cleverly responded, 'Kronic?' and he replied ".......yep" and then started laughing so hard the little speaker sprung out of my phone and hit my earlobe so I said bye and hung up.


I was pretty jealous but luckily an hour prior I'd already gone and got some! It took me and my gf so long to find it, about 45 minutes in total including having lunch in between. We went to __________ in the city and they were completely sold out! Can you believe that? Joynt Venture sold out of synthetic weed? I almost fell down the stairs in shock but when we safely got to the bottom I mentioned that my other friend who called me up before and laughed said he got it from some sex shop somewhere. It didn't sound sketchy at all so we drove to the nearest sex shop and opened the door because the air conditioning was on/the owner was beating it behind the counter. I was already pretty goddamn unhappy about being in there all it was was a shitload of scat magazines and second hand vibrators. They were cheaper because they'd been used already and in a little wicker basket by the blow-up domination cradles. The place was gross! My embarrassment subsided a little when I saw the Kronic packages clearly advertised on the counter so I didn't have to awkwardly ask him about it. I'd already walked out of one shop because I didn't want to ask and the second shop I asked, you should have seen the girl's face when I asked HER about it. It was like it was a pandemic or something, she just went all blank and said "....Kronic?.....Yeah....Sure.....We've got it......Just let me grab it out of this invisible box and I'll put it through on my invisible till for you.......*cackle*", so you could imagine my relief when old man scat revealed the last two grams of it in a modestly decorated point of sale box. Even though I wanted to jet, my curiosity got the best of me and I started asking him all these questions about it. He'd printed out a sales report instead of the receipt for the gram so while he was panicking and trying to jam it back in he told me it was a 'gamechanger'. Well ok, he didn't necessarily say gamechanger but you could tell he wanted to. He said he used to smoke 20 ounces a day out at this hippie commune where they grow the real shit and he had a little bit of this stuff and within about three minutes he found himself mathematically analyzing the distance between his outside couch and his inside one and whether or not he was of the physical capacity to transport his person from one to the other. It was hilarious but I was bored and wanted to go so we went.


So we got home and everyone was sitting around bored out of their brains and I waltz in with this shit and needless to say everyone was still pretty bored but slightly intrigued as well. Me and my gf had the first ones (cones) and then my housemates wanted to be a part of history in the making so of course they had some as well. It was like smoking Wanneroo Markets and it's scent was mosquito coils and late December. Super smooth but not so smooth that you don't forget what you're doing and start doing other shit like washing or going to work. It kicked in pretty much straight away and we all collectively agreed that this shit was the shit, bitch. It was pretty crazy that 20 minutes ago I was in a sex shop surrounded by vaginas and butts and now I was eating heaps of corn chips and telling everyone about Kronic and the chronological variables responsible for our current situation in detail so explicit that it would be refused classification in Australia. It was funny and serious at the same time.

Then out of nowhere, I had a huge epiphany. I was like "imagine if this is a government sanctioned substance manufactured to put drug dealers out of commission?". I normally hate it when people that are high get all political but I thought I was definitely onto something. Everyone agreed with me and looking back it was a really great epiphany that got everyone involved. I think someone even came up to me afterwards and said "great epiphany just before". It was awkward and reasonable at the same time. The wastedness lasted about 45 minutes and the after-effect was less Mary Jane shipwreck and more smooth 747 landing. I didn't feel groggy or spaced out afterwards and even wanted to play basketball straight after. I didn't though, I just got high again and watched the X Files.

What was the question again? Oh right, the tuna bake. There is no way tuna bake could possibly taste better than it does when you've smoked Kronic. Every bite becomes a pleasant surprise as you constantly forget what it was that you were eating because you get sidetracked by a leaf or someone else asking for a taste of your pasta bake. I might even go ahead and say that Kronic makes life taste better. That's actually a pretty good slogan for Kronic, it makes your life taste better *jingle*. I haven't even tried the other flavours/strengths yet but I know what I'm getting for my birthday and Christmas now.

Kronic if you didn't already guess.