Music reviews with chocolate comparisons.

DJ Green Lantern presents: Lights Out.

Following on from my Wu-Tang rant a couple of weeks back, i recently acquired Method and Red's prelude to the Blackout 2, titled 'Lights Out'. I'll be honest, i still haven't gone back through their catalogue so i can recite lyrics in peoples faces or whatever, but this new shit only adds to the inspiration for me to do so.
UGK make an appearance on 'city lights' and Meth and Red act accordingly on some southern swang music all about, well, city lights. 'A yo' is my other favorite track on this tape and reminds me of the Ghostface/Nate Dogg assisted 'ooh wee' from a while back. Play it at a party and watch everyone start subconsciously pouring moet everywhere and dancing like they know how to.

Chocalate Bar rating: Snickers snack size. Grimey, short and sweet.


Eminem: Relapse.
Ahh, yes, the great white hope. Having listened to this album a couple of times through, it's become evident that Eminem could actually rap someone to death. Sure his subject matter might be questionable at times and his prolonged hiatus had everyone doubting his ability and dedication to the game but this album is complete and utter genius from beginning to end. Dr. Dre supplies a-lot of the beats and Em sounds just as comfortable rapping about incest, molestation and Mariah Carey as he did back in the early 2000's. On a side note, he disses Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey in the same verse and now Nick Cannon is getting all hot-headed and acting like Mariah isn't the hallway that Em claims her to be.

Chocolate Bar rating: Full size Boost Bar. Complete, a little hard to swallow sometimes and guaranteed to leave you feeling shaky yet satisfied.


Cam'ron: Crime Pays.


Some girls say i'm the cutest,
i'ma say that i'm the rudest,
meditate, like a buddhist,
expose em' like a nudist,
i'm jesus, they judas,
my diamonds, the bluest,
got the answers, they clueless,
Ashanti, foolish,
i'm with a stewardess, mommy say a flight attendant,
called her a stupid bitch, sorry, nah i might of meant it,
see i'm type to mention, phone bill i might of spent it,
but i got it back right back, yeah yeah my life is splendid.

This is the most entertaining album to ever grace my itunes library, aside from any other Cam'ron album. The only reason i am constantly in awe of Cam's lyrics is because he follows the exact same rhyme pattern on every song and then throws in a completely unassociated actor or celebrity to add clout to his claims. Sometimes he even makes up words in the middle of his verses just so he can string another twenty lines together! It's hilarious, especially when coupled with the obnoxious beats he raps over that normally contain trace elements of Opera and playschool theme songs.

Chocolate Bar rating: Butterfinger. A largely obnoxious, over-produced, guilty pleasure.

Actual Dream.

The setting is a barbecue in Brooklyn, New York during the 1980's crack epidemic. I'm the ONLY white person there. For some reason though, i'm chilling real hard and no-one seems to mind that i'm not meant to be there, some of the guests were even thoroughly entertained by my anecdotes and understanding of their culture.

I see a couple of suits roll in amongst the guests but i take no notice. I walk into a small room inside the house and Biggie Smalls is counting cash and just balling out by himself. I've never seen him like this, he is smiling. I say what up and he shakes my hand, passing me a feasible amount of marijuana in the process. I tell him that when he dies i want to keep his ashes in a crystal ball on my bedside table so i know everything is going to be alright. He responds not with gunshots, but with a solid "yeeeah". I exit the room in slow motion.

As i'm making my way to the back door of the house, i can see a guest arguing with one of the suits i saw earlier through the broken screen door. As the argument gets louder and more heated, i see one of the suits produce a 9mm. I've never turned around faster in my entire life. It was so fast that if there were any police officers around aside from the one outside in the suit, i'd be booked for speeding. I hear gunshots now, it was time to get the fuck up out of there. Where's my bike? I have a bike? Fuck my bike, my bike wouldn't come and get me if it was being shot at.

I can hear music now, it's like that really sickening machinery music where they make it sound all gross and heart wrenching, like a cardboard press going backwards or something. Everything is in slow motion, i haven't even gotten out of the house yet and the gunshots are drawing near. One, two, three, four. Number four strikes my hip. I hit the deck, in slow motion again. I'm blacking out now, my last ounce of reality dedicated to revealing the assailant. Everything is blurry, i see a thin figure approaching, the click of her heels replacing the faint tick of my heartbeat. She's in focus now.
No way, this isn't possible.

It's Trinity from the Matrix! I got shot by Trinity from the Matrix!

Then, as quickly as shit turned bad, everyone wakes up and the party resumes as per normal. I have no idea what is going on but i like what i'm seeing, it's a shame i have to wake up in about five seconds...

THE END, ACTUAL DREAM.

Met her last night, she shot me.

Met him last night also, he gave me weed.

Here you go.

Every time i talk about Wu-Tang with people that listen to hip-hop they get all emotional like it's some kind of exclusive cult and you can only join if you can recite all of their albums in reverse. Tell them that you'd find it a difficult task to list the their entire discography and the length of each track including the bonus and remixes and you may as well have spit on all of their siblings in order of oldest to youngest.
Still, i'll happily sit here (i blog sitting down yo!) and tell anyone reading this that i don't know all the lyrics to every Wu-Tang song ever released and i consider myself a devout follower of all things 'hip' and particularly 'hop'.
Recently, a constant trickle of new tracks from the Wu have found their way to my laptop and i have since come to appreciate their genius, accessibility and maybe even the reason their fans would take bullets for them. As a result, i am greatly anticipating the release of Raekwon's next venture 'Blood on Chef's Apron' and the second installment of the Cuban Linx saga, neither of which will be enjoyed by myself until i go back in time to re-live 'that' period in Hip-Hop. During my travels, i can only hope that i don't turn into one of those kids that acts like they weren't still being tucked into bed when the 36 Chambers dropped.

As a gift from me to you, here's my favourite two tracks out of the recent onslaught. The second one is actually from Jadakiss' new album, but features two very familiar voices.

Wu-ooh.

Cartel Gathering.

"Before we change the world, we gotta change ourselves".....pffft.

For those that don't know, "for those that don't know" is by far the most pretentious and amateur way to start a review or article on anything. I see it everywhere. Cookbooks, blurbs on the back of cookbooks, music reviews and shitty editorials to name a few, because naming them all would take longer than desired.
It's like opening a paragraph with "I know this stuff, and you don't, that's why you're reading what i've written".

Really?

People are reading what you know because you know more than the people that are reading it?

Thanks for summarizing the basic concept of journalism and insulting my intelligence in the same opening sentence, now the only way i want your review to end is your death via the old pen-through-the-nosebone-puncture-the-old-brain method. Fucking douchebag incompetent writing fuck.

And what's with me starting blogs with "so, i was doing this the other day"? What the fuck? That's how a parent approaches their child about finding pornography under their bed, dancing around the truth with pleasantries like "well, well, well" and "so, i was cleaning your room the other day" until the child gets so anxious and freaked out that he/she admits to it out of fear and cowardice. It's wack, i'm not going to do it anymore, but at least i'm not getting paid by a company that distributes to the mass populous and starting my pieces with "for those that don't already know".

Let's get back to business though. The Notorious film was unbelievable. I'll admit that I went in there with a cup full of haterade and a box of salty preconceptions due to previous rapper-cum-moviestar disappointments '8 Mile' and that movie with 50 Cent in it, but to compare 'Notorious' to those two is like comparing every other review of this movie to my review; there's no competition.

The cast was extremely well chosen, although Tupac could have looked a little more psychotic. Like, the guy who played him did a pretty good job and you'd be hard pushed to find someone that could play that role to a tee, i just personally think that his role could have been much more effective played by presence and the word-of-mouth of the characters to avoid any missteps in capturing the essence of the most hard out rapper ever. Still, kudos to the guy that played him anyway. Gold stars and all that.

The primary concern for this film's success was how well Gravy would be able to play the big guy. Having gained notoriety for looking and sounding like a man that called himself 'Notorious', Gravy's aspirations of becoming an actual rapper never left the ground. Funnily enough, i think Gravy played Biggie better than Biggie could have played Biggie. Everything from his hobbled walk, his grunt-heavy breathing, voice and general laid back demeanor was so fine tuned that it not only did the late great justice but also solidified Gravy's status as an actor. Where things could have gone totally wrong, Gravy's personification of every rapper's favourite rapper was what saved this movie from a straight to dvd release and a $9.99 price tag.

The rest of the characters were played so true to their originals that i had to sit back and remember that i wasn't watching a live documentary. From Lil Kim's hoodrat sex appeal to Lil Cease's position as Biggie's weed carrier and Diddy's over-management and diddy-bopping, every secondary role was played to perfection, or as close to perfection as humanly possible when re-enacting such colourful characters. In fact, there were points in the movie where i kind of wished the whole thing was centered around Lil Kim, possibly because she was really good at getting undressed and rapping.

We all know the story and how fucking cool it is, so i won't even breach that, and aside from the odd obligatory corny catchphrase, the dialogue was impeccable. The cinematography wasn't groundbreaking, but the few environmentally focused shots definitely captured the essence of the East vs. West beef era as a whole and made for some nice transitions between all the drama. The primary shooting scenes weren't blown out of proportion and had me at the edge of my seat in the lead-up, even though i know what happened a million times over and the soundtrack was a culmination of everyone's favourite tracks played at just the right time.

In the end though, everyone got what they came to see, B.I.G in all his (almost) glory, spitting phenomenal verses, toting .44's, shifting crack in the streets, macking every bitch that caught his attention and basically being the reason a-lot of people still listen to hip-hop today. I'm not going to lie to you when i noticed that everyone looked a whole lot more gangster when they came out of the cinema and the general consensus was that Jay-z should have at least made a cameo, but more importantly, hip-hop today could definitely use another Biggie Smalls. Here is a photo of him being the greatest.



Also:

*Hey America, could you maybe send some copies of the movie over when it comes out? We kind of look like assholes when we're premiering the move years after it comes out over there.

*Sorry to the actors for not actually using your real names. I was going to guess them but i figured it would've gotten real awkward for the ones that i genuinely didn't know (aka all of them).

*Biggie > Pac

The Carter 3: A biased review

I've been following Lil Wayne's (aka Weezy F. Baby's aka Young Carter's aka Young Stunna's aka Weezy's) career for the last few years now, from the Carter 2 through every mixtape he's made (and some that were made without his permission) all the way to the highly anticipated Carter 3. I'll admit, being a Lil Wayne fan is like being a fan of a sitcom. He fucks up every now and then but when he is winning, you are winning and no matter what the outcome is you can't help but love him for all the entertainment he provides you with, positive or negative. He has his critics, most of them being closet homosexuals who are riding an anti-weezy bandwagon because he isn't 'underground' enough or because everyone else is riding his willy.
Want to know why everyone rides his willy?
It's because he's a rockstar, straight up and down. He releases music on a more than regular basis because his fans are addicted to it as much as he is addicted to that double styrofoam cup filled with the mysterious liquid. He's a breath of fresh air compared to a large percentage of rappers who keep their off wax identities as hidden as possible. He is as real on his tracks as he is in real life and documenting his entire story on hundreds of mixtape songs in between the release of his two biggest albums is a power move of epic proportions. Realistically, he could have made another two or three albums just from what he released on mixtapes. Where most would lay low and keep their workings a secret, Wayne was serving his fans and existing as a controversial spark at the centre of the rap industry, keeping things interesting and setting a standard for the 'next big thing', whilst working on possibly the most important album of his career.
So, i've decided to give a track by track breakdown of why this is the best album ever released by any artist in any genre ever. Stop reading here if you tend to start your day with a glass of freshly squeezed haterade.

Note: This track listing is based on the leak of the album, not the official release.

1."3 Peat"
3:19
The intro joint and probably one of the best tracks on the album. Wayne isn't really trying too hard on this track, he swears a-lot and doesn't even bother setting a standard for the rest of the album with crappy speeches or early album concepts like some other rappers tend to do. Straight to business like a suit on a train.

Standout line - "It's the New Orleans nightmare, money so old it's growing white hair".

2. "Mr. Carter"
feat. Jay-z
5:16
Finally the two best rapper alive's on the same track (Brooklyn 2.0 doesn't count) one self proclaimed, the other critically acclaimed. This has to be the best track on the album. Just Blaze produced it (hard hitting drums/organs/awesomeness), Jay-z featured on it and Lil Wayne has a couple of verses on it. Wayne makes constant references to how good he is, Jay does the same, everyone is happy. The "Mr. Carter" chants at the end of the song are so epic that you'll want to have a baby on the spot.

Standout line - "I'd rather be pushing flowers, then be in the pen sharing showers"

3. "A milli"
3:41
Holy shit, this track blows minds like hairdryers. Definately a contender for best track on the album. The constant, screwed up "A milli" sample doesn't get annoying and Wayne's swag on this track is hard to deny. A bit too slow to be a club banger, but creeps at the perfect pace for you and your white friends to play loudly whilst driving around pretending to be the oppposite of white.

Standout line - "A million here, a million there, sicilian bitch with long hair and coke in her derierre".

4. "Got Money"
4:04
I know it's considered custom to have T-Pain feature on your album these days, no matter how silly he sounds but c'mon, T-Pain? Too-painful to listen to. When every other rapper in the game is using your gimmick, it's time to move on. Start a clothing label/record label and call it a day.

Wayne still kills it, could very well be the best track on the album.

Standout line - I can't listen to this track all the way through, so i'll never know.

5. "Comfortable"
feat. Kanye West and Babyface
4:25
God damn i love this song. Kanye's trademark drums and floaty strings make me want to do things to myself. Wayne tones it down a bit, telling the ladies that although he's hyped on them for the time being, not to get head over heels on a brother. This is a nice change as Wayne is generally less polite when speaking about the opposite sex.

Standout line - "If you leave, leave correct and i'll send a jet to pick up the next".

6. "Dr. Carter"
4:24

Holy shit. Without a doubt, best track on the album. Swizz Beatz slows things down a bit as Wayne dons the stethoscope and brings hip-hop back to life in the form of a wack rapper on the operating table. I liked this track so much that i got my favourite line tatooed on the back of my neck so that when people ask me what it means i can tell them it's something that only i can relate to even though it actually has no bearing whatsoever to anything i've ever done in my lifetime and i'll probably end up getting it lasered off when i realise how much of a retard i've been.

Standout line - Lasered off.

7. "Phone Home"
3:11
Weezy was on some E.T type shit when he made this joint and i'll be honest, it's super annoying. In fact, this review is getting annoying, best track on the album.

Standout line - "PHONE HOME!"

8. "Tie My Hands"
feat. Robin Thicke
5:19

This is really nice this track. Wayne gets deep, listener ends up in tears. Best. Track. Album.

Standout line - If it's the best track on the album, every line is a standout.

9. "Mrs. Officer"
feat. Bobby Valentino
4:47
Hilarious. Wayne talks about having sex with female police officers and the hook sounds like a police siren. MVP track of the album.

Standout line - "And after we got done, i said lady what's your number, she said 9-1-1".

10. "Let the Beat Build"
5:09
Another kanye produced joint, the beat builds for a couple of minutes and you have to sit there and wait for Kanye's genius to explode in your face/ears. When it does, it becomes the best track on the album.

Standout line - ____________________________

11. "Shoot Me Down"
4:29
I like this track heaps. The best bit is when the track starts.

Standout line - *Track starting*

12. "Lollipop"
feat. Static Major

5:02
The official radio release that i refused to listen to because of how many fags were beating off over how good it was before i'd even heard it. After hearing it i can see why so many loads were blown over said track. I take it back, you aren't fags.

Standout line - I can't be bothered with this 'standout line' schtick anymore. I thought i could handle it, but at 16 tracks, it's becoming a bit of a hassle.

13. "La La"
feat. Brisco and Busta Rhymes
4:21
David Banner produced this one, it's on some pre-school nursery rhyme ish and Busta Rhymes isn't afraid to claim first pick at the play equipment. I like this song, my friends think it's annoying but they don't realise that they sound annoying when they say that. Having said that, i personally think that this is the best track on the album.

14. "Playing With Fire"
feat. Betty Wright
4:21
Weezy actually loses his mind on this track. Telling people to assasinate him, comparing himself to MLK (brave) and generally being a superstar. BTOTA.

15. "You ain't got nothing"

feat. Fabolous and Juelz Santana
5:27
This track is as grimey as the lasagne you left out on the kitchen table for all those weeks because you forgot it was yours and expected someone else to clean it because it supposedly wasn't your responsibility once the pasta had hardened, whereas if you had been requested to wash it before the hardening of the pasta, it wouldn't have been a problem.

Speaking of pasta - "Forty cal fettucine, tre pound pasta, you come for this medallion you must like italian"

16. "Dont Get It"
9:52

Common already used the Misunderstood sample for that track on 'Finding Forever' but he isn't half as entertaining as Wayne so i pretty much deleted it from my memory. With that done, Wayne goes on a five minute rant about how much he hates Al Sharpton. I don't know who Al Sharpton is but you can bet that after hearing this track, i wanted to kill him. I fucking hate Al Sharpton yo. I hate him so much that i don't even know why.

I'll leave you with this image. Start getting excited, this baby drops very soon.