Things that I don't see anymore, possibly due to Government cover-ups.

For reasons unknown, i've decided to compile a short list of things that i never see around anymore and would like to see more of in the future.


The first one is marbles. How come no one plays fucking marbles anymore?

Yo-yo's, namely the Duncan butterfly. I haven't seen one of these things for a good decade and neither have you. I remember being so good at yo-yo's that i didn't use my arms for a whole month.

Basketball cards anybody? Don't even try and tell me this image of a fresh 1993-1994 pack of upper decks doesn't fuck with your feelings. This was the fad that defined your status not only as a collector, but a human being. I want to know when basketball cards ended and smoking rocks started.

Speaking of smoking rocks, here is a troll doll. These things were hot for a minute, but have since dissapeared into the depths of garage sales and creepy google collector pages worldwide. I don't necessarily want these to come back, but i'd like to know what's being done with the corpses.

Fuck your Wii, your Xbox 360 and your Playstation 3. This is the future of video games. Eight buttons, a d-pad and you were ready to go. No vibrating functions, no double dildo joysticks, no hanging out on the internet with some big gay nerd from wisconsin that probably has your display picture posted all over his bedroom with hopes of maybe meeting you one day and possibly copulating.

Where the fuck did these go? Two words, digestive climax.

Why would you take this off the shelf and replace it with a stronger version of salt and vinegar? People don't buy salt and vinegar, it just seems that way because whenever you go to someone's house it's the only flavour they ever seem to have so you end up eating them because it's all that's on offer and you regret it immediately once your tongue starts bleeding.

The lift ad with the hypnotic yellow and blue swirling? Remember the feeling you'd get if you happened to have a lift can in your house when this ad came on? That can't be beat by anything. Cool tang doritos? Another genius concept cast aside by the bread and butter public.

Savage Garden?

Remember the film clip where Daniel rubs up against the other guy and you can pretty much see the erection in his pants? What happened to those guys?

What happened to civilisation?

The Carter 3: A biased review

I've been following Lil Wayne's (aka Weezy F. Baby's aka Young Carter's aka Young Stunna's aka Weezy's) career for the last few years now, from the Carter 2 through every mixtape he's made (and some that were made without his permission) all the way to the highly anticipated Carter 3. I'll admit, being a Lil Wayne fan is like being a fan of a sitcom. He fucks up every now and then but when he is winning, you are winning and no matter what the outcome is you can't help but love him for all the entertainment he provides you with, positive or negative. He has his critics, most of them being closet homosexuals who are riding an anti-weezy bandwagon because he isn't 'underground' enough or because everyone else is riding his willy.
Want to know why everyone rides his willy?
It's because he's a rockstar, straight up and down. He releases music on a more than regular basis because his fans are addicted to it as much as he is addicted to that double styrofoam cup filled with the mysterious liquid. He's a breath of fresh air compared to a large percentage of rappers who keep their off wax identities as hidden as possible. He is as real on his tracks as he is in real life and documenting his entire story on hundreds of mixtape songs in between the release of his two biggest albums is a power move of epic proportions. Realistically, he could have made another two or three albums just from what he released on mixtapes. Where most would lay low and keep their workings a secret, Wayne was serving his fans and existing as a controversial spark at the centre of the rap industry, keeping things interesting and setting a standard for the 'next big thing', whilst working on possibly the most important album of his career.
So, i've decided to give a track by track breakdown of why this is the best album ever released by any artist in any genre ever. Stop reading here if you tend to start your day with a glass of freshly squeezed haterade.

Note: This track listing is based on the leak of the album, not the official release.

1."3 Peat"
3:19
The intro joint and probably one of the best tracks on the album. Wayne isn't really trying too hard on this track, he swears a-lot and doesn't even bother setting a standard for the rest of the album with crappy speeches or early album concepts like some other rappers tend to do. Straight to business like a suit on a train.

Standout line - "It's the New Orleans nightmare, money so old it's growing white hair".

2. "Mr. Carter"
feat. Jay-z
5:16
Finally the two best rapper alive's on the same track (Brooklyn 2.0 doesn't count) one self proclaimed, the other critically acclaimed. This has to be the best track on the album. Just Blaze produced it (hard hitting drums/organs/awesomeness), Jay-z featured on it and Lil Wayne has a couple of verses on it. Wayne makes constant references to how good he is, Jay does the same, everyone is happy. The "Mr. Carter" chants at the end of the song are so epic that you'll want to have a baby on the spot.

Standout line - "I'd rather be pushing flowers, then be in the pen sharing showers"

3. "A milli"
3:41
Holy shit, this track blows minds like hairdryers. Definately a contender for best track on the album. The constant, screwed up "A milli" sample doesn't get annoying and Wayne's swag on this track is hard to deny. A bit too slow to be a club banger, but creeps at the perfect pace for you and your white friends to play loudly whilst driving around pretending to be the oppposite of white.

Standout line - "A million here, a million there, sicilian bitch with long hair and coke in her derierre".

4. "Got Money"
4:04
I know it's considered custom to have T-Pain feature on your album these days, no matter how silly he sounds but c'mon, T-Pain? Too-painful to listen to. When every other rapper in the game is using your gimmick, it's time to move on. Start a clothing label/record label and call it a day.

Wayne still kills it, could very well be the best track on the album.

Standout line - I can't listen to this track all the way through, so i'll never know.

5. "Comfortable"
feat. Kanye West and Babyface
4:25
God damn i love this song. Kanye's trademark drums and floaty strings make me want to do things to myself. Wayne tones it down a bit, telling the ladies that although he's hyped on them for the time being, not to get head over heels on a brother. This is a nice change as Wayne is generally less polite when speaking about the opposite sex.

Standout line - "If you leave, leave correct and i'll send a jet to pick up the next".

6. "Dr. Carter"
4:24

Holy shit. Without a doubt, best track on the album. Swizz Beatz slows things down a bit as Wayne dons the stethoscope and brings hip-hop back to life in the form of a wack rapper on the operating table. I liked this track so much that i got my favourite line tatooed on the back of my neck so that when people ask me what it means i can tell them it's something that only i can relate to even though it actually has no bearing whatsoever to anything i've ever done in my lifetime and i'll probably end up getting it lasered off when i realise how much of a retard i've been.

Standout line - Lasered off.

7. "Phone Home"
3:11
Weezy was on some E.T type shit when he made this joint and i'll be honest, it's super annoying. In fact, this review is getting annoying, best track on the album.

Standout line - "PHONE HOME!"

8. "Tie My Hands"
feat. Robin Thicke
5:19

This is really nice this track. Wayne gets deep, listener ends up in tears. Best. Track. Album.

Standout line - If it's the best track on the album, every line is a standout.

9. "Mrs. Officer"
feat. Bobby Valentino
4:47
Hilarious. Wayne talks about having sex with female police officers and the hook sounds like a police siren. MVP track of the album.

Standout line - "And after we got done, i said lady what's your number, she said 9-1-1".

10. "Let the Beat Build"
5:09
Another kanye produced joint, the beat builds for a couple of minutes and you have to sit there and wait for Kanye's genius to explode in your face/ears. When it does, it becomes the best track on the album.

Standout line - ____________________________

11. "Shoot Me Down"
4:29
I like this track heaps. The best bit is when the track starts.

Standout line - *Track starting*

12. "Lollipop"
feat. Static Major

5:02
The official radio release that i refused to listen to because of how many fags were beating off over how good it was before i'd even heard it. After hearing it i can see why so many loads were blown over said track. I take it back, you aren't fags.

Standout line - I can't be bothered with this 'standout line' schtick anymore. I thought i could handle it, but at 16 tracks, it's becoming a bit of a hassle.

13. "La La"
feat. Brisco and Busta Rhymes
4:21
David Banner produced this one, it's on some pre-school nursery rhyme ish and Busta Rhymes isn't afraid to claim first pick at the play equipment. I like this song, my friends think it's annoying but they don't realise that they sound annoying when they say that. Having said that, i personally think that this is the best track on the album.

14. "Playing With Fire"
feat. Betty Wright
4:21
Weezy actually loses his mind on this track. Telling people to assasinate him, comparing himself to MLK (brave) and generally being a superstar. BTOTA.

15. "You ain't got nothing"

feat. Fabolous and Juelz Santana
5:27
This track is as grimey as the lasagne you left out on the kitchen table for all those weeks because you forgot it was yours and expected someone else to clean it because it supposedly wasn't your responsibility once the pasta had hardened, whereas if you had been requested to wash it before the hardening of the pasta, it wouldn't have been a problem.

Speaking of pasta - "Forty cal fettucine, tre pound pasta, you come for this medallion you must like italian"

16. "Dont Get It"
9:52

Common already used the Misunderstood sample for that track on 'Finding Forever' but he isn't half as entertaining as Wayne so i pretty much deleted it from my memory. With that done, Wayne goes on a five minute rant about how much he hates Al Sharpton. I don't know who Al Sharpton is but you can bet that after hearing this track, i wanted to kill him. I fucking hate Al Sharpton yo. I hate him so much that i don't even know why.

I'll leave you with this image. Start getting excited, this baby drops very soon.

The new Audi commercial

So i saw the new Audi commercial last night. For the most part, I thought it was crap with a hint of pretty sweet. They featured a good range of their new cars, the editing was quick paced and the queer rock soundtrack really made me feel like i was test driving the cars, with my eyes.

The only problem i had was that Robert Downey Jr. kept popping up in between the shots of the cars, jabbering on about how he had to build a special suit to fight a company that produces the weapons that almost got him killed in iraq/iran/afghanistan/barren landscape. The very same company that he owns and operates.

Now, i'm all for commercials with plotlines and interesting characters, but Audi really went all out with this one. Explosions, Terrence Howard, limb operated propulsion devices, Gwyneth Paltrow and missiles all got mentions in this one and at 126 minutes, it is one of the longest commercials I have ever been forced to sit through. Have you ever seen a car commercial with it's own hype poster?

One man, one machine, one hundred and twenty six minutes of pure Audi.

I don't give a dick about Audi's or robots for that matter, but Robert Downey Jr. is one charming son of a bitch and if you don't want to buy a car anytime soon then I suggest you avoid making eye contact with said advertisement. Here are some sounds/images that will let you know the commercial is about to start so you can evacuate before it's too late:

1. AC/DC.

2. Robert Downey Jr. charming the pants off anything around him, including pants.

3. The Audi R8, which is basically a poor man's fighter jet.

4. Fighter jets.

If you have seen all of these things, it's all over and your pants have already evacuated your body. Watch it through to the end for one of the most exciting credit rolls ever seen in a commercial.

No country for old pussies.

I finally watched this movie the other night called 'No Country for Old Men' after months of passing it off as another gay cowboy movie. The thing is, if you even looked at this guy sideways he'd cut your dick off, somehow make a bullet out of it and then shoot you in the face with it, killing you and anyone around you on impact. The cops would then show up at the scene and laugh at you because he'll make it appear that you died whilst giving yourself a hummer.
Then he'll go and kill a dog because he can but also to cover his tracks. (Note: He actually kills a dog in the film. Hollow man is probably the only other guy to ever kill a dog on camera but he's a pussy compared to this guy.)
In fact, i'd go as far to say that he is the hardest man ever to grace a dvd cover and having him walk around and deface people with a captive bolt pistol is a pretty well thought out concept for a movie.
The only let down is the end in which (spoiler alert) Tommy Lee Jones sits there and looks old for about forty five minutes before the credits roll. I think he says some stuff but he wasn't killing anyone at the time so i wasn't really paying attention.

Five stars.

Sucking the glass willy isn't cool anymore.

Didn't you get the memo?
I have a high that is much more attractive to indulge in and won't make you look silly. It will take you to 'the place', but instead of leaving you high and dry in an alleway eating your own puke and begging for money, it will instead give you a lift home to your warm bed and kindly refuse any money that you offer it.

It's called 'Fily Folly' and it is better than ice and subsequently, a-lot harder to find.

That's right, fairy floss and bubblegum, together at last. The fairy floss character on the packaging is buzzing so hard that he's actually eating himself.

The blanket shape symbolises how warm and fuzzy you will feel after 'getting on'. No pipes, no light globes, no fucking around basically.

The transition from fairy floss to gum is unlike anything you will ever experience. Discard your cherished childhood memories of fairy floss melting in your mouth and enjoy as fily folly performs a metamorphosis that can't even be explained and probably never will be.

Follow it up with a pack of these and in no time you'll be running around getting in everyone's face and telling them how much you love them and that it's a real shame that you don't hang out anymore.

Side effects include increased blood sugar levels and a rapid heartbeat but at least you weren't hanging out on the corner of William and Wellington offering rim-jobs for your next score.

How to win at life and make Tzatziki dip.

First things first. Go and buy a packet of 50g Smith's crisps (chicken flavour if salt and vinegar isn't available) and take particular note of the 'Footy legends' promo. Ignore the fact that to be a legend nowadays all you have to do is snort blow and knock people out. Here's the important part. Instead of getting one 'footy legends' card in your packet, get three. Don't open them, they are merely pieces of decorated cardboard celebrating a sport that isn't really significant. You are now on your way to being a winner.

Next step, buy some of this. Ask your girlfriend if she has ever done it 'Greek Style' and see what happens.
Get this, pretty sure it's garlic.

That's a cucumber being shaved. You need cucumber to make Tzatziki. Make jokes that involve you placing the cucumber near your crotch area and aiming it at your friends.
That's lemon rind and cucumber shavings in the bowl. Pretty sure there's some lemon juice in there as well. Either way, winning is almost certain now.
Add a little s&p. You've never been closer to winning at this point in time.

In the words of Rick Ross 'Whip it real hard, whip it whip it real hard'. (No homo).
Olive oil that sucker like you would until your dip resembles a cracked open egg. Fact: Lil Wayne often makes references to cracked open eggs in his songs. Not to brag about the colour of his jewelry, but to display his love for a nice bowl of the 'ziki.Congratulations, you now know how to do it 'Greek Style'. You can only eat this dip with Turkish Bread or Surf brand corn chips. Anything else is digestive blasphemy.

Now for the final step. Call one of your good friends, one that you normally share intelligent conversation with and ask them what they are doing. Whilst they are telling you, cut them off halfway and tell them you are eating Tzatziki and it appears that they are not. Wait for the awkward silence, for this will be the exact moment in which you are winning at life. Bask in it for however long it lasts (five to ten seconds usually) and hang up on them.

You win.

Pseudo-concession.

My friend Joe doesn't like paying for anything that doesn't get him intoxicated. This bus ticket is no exception. You have to give it to the guy (no homo), this does NOT look like it has been altered in any way, shape or form. If i was a bus driver, i'd let Joe on just because of how legitimate he made it look.
Dance at the bus stop to avoid suspicion.
Make sure there is an old lady in your radius when you enter the bus. People generally feel sorry for older citizens. Play on this sympathy as you walk straight bus the bus driver.

A-lot of people don't know what it feels like to be this happy. Joe has it down pat.

CaN we riDez teh wHeeLchAirS pleez?

This ride is in East Perth. Benny and I were really upset when we realised that you need a special key to operate the swing. I thought it was kind of discriminatory against people that aren't in wheelchairs but seeing as this was the first mechanical wheelchair ride i had ever seen, i'm going to let it slide.
I could have said 'let it swing' but i hate it when people use puns and then apologise for them to be clever or try and cover up the fact that they did it on purpose.

No Benny, you can't ride the swing today. Done.

Indie 500

I thought it would have gone out of fashion a while ago, but the indie scene/way of life shows no signs of deteriorating any time soon. So instead of questioning it, i am now embracing it. They are a fairly harmless people with a general acceptance of cardigans, canvas shoes and all things art. Whilst at work yesterday I had the pleasure of two of my closest indian friends visiting me at my place of occupation. We chatted for a while and i noticed that the Indie tote bags they were holding were free of meaningful symbols or any other ink applied symbology. Lentil had the light beige joint and quiche was rocking the black so it was up to Lentil to do the deed. That's right, I asked him to do it. Even more amazing was that when i asked him if he needed a texta he happily presented a small pouch full of artliners in a large range of colours. If that isn't Indie, I don't know what is.

Here's how it goes down.

Make sure you're wearing some burgundy coloured footwear. Olive, navy, brown and black are also acceptable. Have your artliner at the ready.

Apply the medium to the surface. Notice the straightness of the lines and the scratching method to fill in the blanks. This is indie in it's purest form.

Here's a close-up view. Things are looking pretty good from this angle.

The finished product. Notice how the straightness of the stance almost matches the lettering. This is indie at it's most ferocious.

What does HAF mean?

Look here http://www.haf4lyf.blogspot.com/

If you want to take it to the next level, you could ride one of these bad boys around. If indie were a vehicle, it would be the Penny Farthing.