Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Kendrick Lamar's Red Sea raps.

Roughly 24 hours ago Big Sean did a Big Sean and liberated a 7 minute track in the form of an actual 'rap' song; a 'rap' song supposedly designated for a forthcoming album that will no doubt feature an otherwise disposable tracklist of radio fodder and music for 15 year old girls prepping themselves to sneak into night clubs, but won't actually feature on the album due to 'sample clearance issues' (*cough* bullshit *cough* bullshit*).

Another far more logical reason for this particular track not making the cut is the appearance of one Kendrick Lamar and his clear motives to use Big Sean's mainstream reach to take very blatant potshots at several of his peers, including Big Sean himself and the track's other featuring artist, illuminati hopeful Jay Electronica Rothschild Esq.

K.Dot's verse starts out like any other K.Dot verse, diffusing waves of anticipation from his rabid fanbase and delivering in every facet of what we've come to expect from rap's golden child, before taking a breather to casually notify the likes of J. Cole, Big K.R.I.T., Pusha T, Meek Millz, ASAP Rocky, Wale, Big Sean, Jay Electronica, Tyler, the Creator, and Mac Miller of his plans to essentially end their careers and inform them all of his undisputed rule over both coasts and any rap guys that happen to reside on either side.

I'm usually homeboys with the same ni**as I'm rhymin' wit
But this is hip-hop and them ni**as should know what time it is
And that goes for Jermaine Cole, Big KRIT, Wale
Pusha T, Meek Millz, A$AP Rocky, Drake
Big Sean, Jay Electron', Tyler, Mac Miller
I got love for you all but I'm tryna murder you ni**as
Tryna make sure your core fans never heard of you ni**as
They dont wanna hear not one more noun or verb from you ni**as

Anything that happened before and after that verse immediately became null and void. Big Sean's career verse suddenly became another Big Sean verse and the re-surfacing of resident coal miner Jay Electronica was swiftly pushed to page 17 as Kendrick became the headline feature and lit bottlerockets under the True Religion pocket stitches and leather skirt seams of his content and comfortable frienemies. Had this occurred in any other era of rap, any jest or respect in Kendrick's 'attack' would've been immediately met with malice and plots for lyrical/physical repercussions from the artists named but because it's 2013 they all jumped on twitter instead to voice their rebuttals in 140 characters or less. 

It immediately became a competition between the rappers mentioned over who could compose the most PC response without appearing too salty or emotional in front of their fanbases. Some took offense, some joked and a few read between the lines and saw Kendrick's true intentions to spark the competitive fire that has since dimmed in today's era of luxury over substance and production over prowess. Perhaps the greatest effect Kendrick's barrage had on the rap industry was it's ability to enrage those not mentioned in the verse as if it was some kind of 'who's hot and who's not in 2013' and there was no shortage of salt coming from the self-entitled artists not listed. 

Who came out saltiest though? Let's take an in-depth look:

Big Daddy Kane's My-grandson-made-me-a-twitter-account salt:
Sodium levels: How does Big Daddy Kane even know how to use twitter?

Def Jam's Record-label-playing-it-safe-with-a-basic-ass-promo-tweet salt:
Sodium Levels: Who cares?

Mac Miller's I-can't-believe-I-got-mentioned-better-say-something-hilarious salt:
 
Sodium levels: Sweeter than two donuts making out in a bag of sugar. Don't expect a response unless it's ghost-written by that other white rapper.

Pusha T's I'm-the-only-rapper-here-that-doesn't-take-scented-baths salt:
Sodium levels: God tier. Push is one of the few rappers mentioned that actually 'gets it'. If he even caught a sniff of intent from Kendrick there'd already be 37 diss records and multiple threats of physical violence from the human snow plow.

Tyga's My-bad-I-thought-he-said-Tyga-not-Tyler-either-way-Rack-City-2-on-the-way salt:
Sodium levels: Battered sausage.

Fabolous' Yo-turn-the-G5-around-he-said-something-about-New-York salt:
Sodium levels: Clogged arteries. Fab's mad and the only thing that can bring NY rap back is 50,000 metaphors.

Talib Kweli's Old-head-mad-at-the-new-jacks-I'd-smack-y'all-if-I-wasn't-a-conscious-rap-guy salt:
Sodium levels: Super Saiyan Salt Blast. Yeah we know, the 90's were great but you did a song called 'country cousins' so.....

Joey Badass' How-come-my-name-wasn't-called-I-been-in-the-game-two-seasons-now-fuck-that-shit-I-got-lyrical-miracles-to-touch-your-spiritual-residuals-and-damage-your-physical salt:
Sodium levels: Doggy paddle across the Red Sea. Joey can rap but you can't put NY on your back with two mixtapes and nay a mention in Kendrick's verse.

Phil Jackson's Hi-I'm-Phil-Jackson-you-might-remember-me-from-such-classics-as-Michael-Jordan's-Bulls-and-Kobe-Bryant's-Lakers-here's-my-opinion-on-Kendrick-Lamar's-verse salt:
Sodium levels: Oh hey Phil Jackson, rap expert and mentor for hire....

Styles P's Damn-that-Kendrick-kid-got-some-HEY-IT'S-JOE-BUDDEN-FUCK-YOU-I'LL-FUCK-YOU-UP-EMOTIONAL-ASS-INTERNET-RAPPER-SOFT-AS-A-COTTON-BALL-FALLING-INTO-A-LAVENDER-FIELD-TWITTER-ASS-LOVESTRUCK-NINJA salt:
Sodium levels: Gastronomical. At the end of the day, Styles P really dislikes Joe Budden.....And that's important.

Joey Badass' Fuck-this-I'm-goin-at-Big-Sean-instead salt:
Sodium levels: 50m Butterfly, Red Sea. Joey got more offended than anyone actually mentioned in the verse. Why apologise though? It's no secret that Big Sean is hypertrash.

Lebron James' Yeah-it-was-kind-of-embarassing-when-Drake-was-celebrating-with-us-after-the-finals salt:
Sodium levels: Lay-up. Lebron James is still the happiest guy in the world and probably giggled a little when Drake's name was dropped.

And then of course, there was Lupe. It seems as though these days Mr. Fiasco would rather promote his super scientifical high-fash-before-it-was-cool Namco nerd bars on twitter by responding to disses from his audience and composing entire verses in micro-blog format instead of, I don't know, not being a salty nerd and spending his early retirement making up for the gigantic flop that was L.A.Z.E.R.S or L.O.S.E.R.S or whatever it was.

Loopy Fiasco's Fuck-rap-my-Neon-Genesis-Evangelion-model-collection-and-Casio-watches-keep-me-warm-at-night salt:















It's unclear whether or not Lupe actually appreciated Kendrick's initiative, but ghost-writing responses from rap guys that weren't even mentioned in the song doesn't make you clever or above the industry, it just makes you Ditto from Pokemon.