Tuesday, May 21, 2013

First ever official photos of the Playstation 4 that no one else has yet.

When the PS4 was announced at this year’s E3 conference it signaled the first drips of an imminent pissing contest between Sony and Microsoft over who would announce, reveal and release their consoles first, and of course, gamers all over the world reveled in catching every last drop of the leaks that would follow. Unfortunately Sony left out a fairly crucial detail during the announcement, that being an image of the console, or more specifically, proof that it actually exists.


And obviously it does exist, but when you’re dealing with a generation of gamers whose primal reaction to anything is to criticize first and ask questions later, Sony’s PS4 may as well not exist until we see it in .jpg format at the very least. At best, Sony’s PS4 ‘announcement’ was the equivalent of Ferrari holding a press conference for some totally sweet and fast sports car that’s coming out, waiting for all the journalists and billionaires to take their seats and starting the announcement with “ok, so this car is going to be totally sweet and super fast and it’s going to cost about a zillion dollars. Umm, we don’t have a picture of it yet and we have no idea if it looks cool or resembles a hemorrhoid on wheels but we swear you’re going to want it real bad and it’s going to change the way you look at cars forever.  We accept cash and direct bank transfers.”
And of course the billionaires are still going to buy it because it’s a new thing they can have, much like we’re all still going to buy the PS4 because it’s a new console and has more entertainment value than some stupid sports car.

Following the un-announcement of the new PS4, Microsoft chimed in as we all knew they would to announce the announcement of their new console, the aptly named ‘Xbox 720-or-whatever-it’s-called’. Sony’s piss stream weakened significantly as Microsoft blasted their fanbase with very little information aside from a date and a protracted waiting period for said date. The pissing contest seemed to be in full swing with both companies keeping their information bladders secure enough to not let it all fly out, but just enough to dribble down to their customers and keep them begging for more. 


Then, everything changed this morning when Sony decided to announce another announcement – The First Ever Picture Of The New Console They Announced Over a Month Ago Video.


*PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS*

What better way to preview the first ever visual of the PS4 with some visuals of the PS4, right?

Wrong. You done goofed, Sony.

You could’ve spared us the clich├ęd hype video full of blurry images and super quick flashes of your new hardware and just shown us what we’d ultimately be spending our $900 on this coming Christmas, but once again you had to piss just that little bit further because Microsoft started pissing as well. What you don’t realize is that some of us are a little craftier than others and have access to state-of-the-art image manipulation software capable of turning your little pissing contest into a big yellow whitewash, and I am one of those people. With a little help from the 'pause' function on Youtube, some sleight of hand and a fairly current copy of Adobe Photoshop CS6, I have single-handedly wiped the sweat from the collective brow of anxious Sony loyalists worldwide and constructed the first known photo of Sony's worst kept secret.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the very first image of Sony’s next generation hardware, the Playstation 4:
As promised, the PS4 is a seriously futuristic-looking piece of gaming hardware. It's smooth edges, seemingly infinite ports and hubs and the fact that it has lazer eyes immediately stir conflicting reactions of next-gen euphoria and the SkyNet apocalypse, suggesting that you not only need the PS4, but you also might not want to be in the same room as it. The PS4 (above) also looks like it's going to be extremely hard to use, with no visible blu-ray entry point, a seemingly non-existant power button and of course the lazer eyes, which may prove as more of a design flaw than a preview of the future.

Regardless of initial impressions I have no doubt that the PS4 will prove a worthy adversary to Microsoft's equally anticipated console announcement and while Sony may have unknowingly revealed their big surprise with a poorly planned announcement video, the piss streams won't settle until both companies have liberated their bladders just in time for Christmas.